by Matson, TC
He’s put some hard work into it. It’s perfect. He’s painted the walls gray, put down padding on the floors and parts of the walls. Mirrors line the back wall, heavy bags are on the opposite side and instead of just a small shower, he’s installed a whole damn locker room. It looks like he pulled a page from a sports magazine and went with it.
I remember he was so enthusiastic with high dreams for this place. I couldn’t see past the damage but supported his idea. I was young and without a care in the world. I just wanted to train. I wanted to fight and not in the streets. That shit never solves a thing. But I came to him without a dollar to my name and he worked things out for me. I could train here as much as I wanted, but I also had to clean the place up every night. I learned responsibility from him.
And now sitting here in the dimly lit gym, I smile. I’m back where I started. Resetting myself.
Chapter 34
It’s been a long week of impatience and sleepless nights in anticipation of Sunday. I came into town and booked a hotel room yesterday and fought the hell out of the urge to go see her at work. Push-ups and sit-ups. Hundreds of them. To keep myself still.
I’ve rehearsed what I want to tell her so many times. Prepared myself for whatever reaction she’ll throw at me. It’s like I’m training for a fucking fight. And now it’s Sunday and I still haven’t heard from her.
Me: Meeting place?
I’m ready to soak the sight of her in. Regardless of her tone, I’m anxious to hear her voice.
Paige: I’ve changed my mind. I’m not interested in meeting with you.
I laugh. I knew she was going to pull this stunt.
Me: You know I’ll show up unexpected.
Paige: I wish you wouldn’t.
Me: Pick a time and place.
Minutes feel like hours as I wait for her response and if she doesn’t, then I’ll pop up on her. This shit is pissing me off.
Paige: Park gazebo. 1?
Relief. I check the time—thirty minutes.
Me: I’ll be there.
The gazebo holds three large benches opening out to a circle of squared off bushes surrounded by brick pavers. The breeze is causing the trees to rustle around me, and every time I hear a voice, I twist hoping for her. Hey, I’m trying to describe the damn scenery. Close your eyes and picture this shit as best as you can.
The wait is horrific, eating away at my nerves. The suspense is crawling up my neck. And then, like a dream, she comes out of nowhere with her hands in her front pockets of her jacket with her head down. Her light brown hair flops in the wind, her silky lips tight in a straight line and with every step closer, I see green eyes drenched with worry.
As she steps into the gazebo, it takes all the strength I have not to wrap my arms around her.
“Hey,” she says not looking at me.
I’m at a loss for words. I want to spill how much I miss her, but that will send her running. “It’s good to see you.” Yep. That was the best bullshit I could say.
She sits on the bench farthest away from me and tucks her hands under her legs. “Thanks.”
I’ve rehearsed this, trained for this day, and my ass is falling flat on my face. I’m speechless. What the fuck?
“I’m here,” she says with an attitude. “I’ve got things to do. Can we get this over with?”
“You’re horrible at lying, “I tell her with a straight face.
She gasps then scowls.
“Chill, Paige.” I rub the back of my neck. “I’ve had all these things I wanted to say, but now that you’re in front of me, I’m clammed up.”
She’s staring at the unoccupied space in front of her, and when she finally glances at me, I see all her hurt. My heart sinks. “Please come up with something, Levi. This isn’t the most pleasant thing, ya know?”
I sigh…fucking speechless. “I’m sorry.”
“I know. You made that clear the last time I spoke with you. Please tell me I didn’t waste my time to hear a repeat.”
I switch seats, sliding in beside her, and grab her hand from out from under her. “You have the right to be mad, but please bear with me. I haven’t seen you in a while and I’m in awe. Give me a minute to gather my thoughts.”
She expels a pissed off breath and still doesn’t look up at me.
“I’m very aware that I fucked up. I broke promises I made to you and destroyed a wall of trust I had worked so hard to gain. I’ve never experienced pain caused by my own personal doing, but I now know the devastation first hand. And I’m sure you being on the other side of the fence was just as bad. I called things off because I felt like a failure to you. You needed someone to cherish your every step. I can’t say anything to take the pain away from my mistakes, but I’m asking for your forgiveness.”
Her eyes snap to me on fire. “And we go back to being all hunky-dory? Screw that, Levi.”
“No,” I answer flatly. “I’m not asking for you to take me back. You deserve better, but I’m asking for forgiveness.”
She blinks back tears. “I’ve done what I can to move past it. You’ll get your forgiveness when I can give it to you.”
I fall silent unsure what to say. It’s so fucking hard to respect her personal space.
She drops her head and a tear falls to her pants. “Why, Levi? What happened?” she mutters quietly.
“I’ve asked myself the same thing and I can’t answer it. I have no excuse for my actions.”
“I’m sorry too,” she says.
It catches me off guard and I jerk back. “For what?”
“I should’ve given you more trust. I pushed you into it.”
That just pisses me off.
“Is that what you think?” I bite. “You’ve sat here for months and thought it was your fault? Paige, I fucked up. Plain and simple.”
“I had to have done something wrong. If you were happy, you wouldn’t have messed up,” she says.
Fuck her personal space. I grab her shoulders facing her to me. “I was happy, Sunshine. Miserable without you, but happy. I hated the distance between us, but it gave me something to look forward to. I got fed up with everything pushing against us and I got drunk. I went about it in all the wrong ways and ended up shattering my future with you. Paige, you did everything right.”
She pulls her hand from mine and wipes her cheeks. “Yeah, well, apparently my everything right wasn’t good enough.” She clears her throat and stands up. “I get it, Levi, you’re sorry. Now are there any more emotions you feel the need to dredge up and make me relive?”
I picture yanking her into my lap and devouring her lips but instead I take a deep, defeated breath. “No.”
Nothing I rehearsed is coming out how I wanted.
“Who was it?” she asks.
I shake my head. “It’s not important.”
She scrapes her bottom lip with her teeth and half rolls her eyes. “Who was it?” she repeats.
“What’s that going to solve?” I ask.
“Nothing. But maybe knowing who it was could ease the confusion. Was it some chick at the club? The chick in the picture? Who was it, Levi?”
“Paige, regardless of who it was, it’s not going to solve a thing.”
“Allison?” she grits. “I mean she was your fall back, right?”
I chuckle. “No. I haven’t talked to Allison in a while. Not since she foiled her own little plan.”
“Katie?”
I clench my teeth. “Paige…”
“It was her.” She huffs a flimsy laugh. “I should have known. You two had a chemistry that showed everywhere. I’m an idiot to think things didn’t happen between you two.”
I spring to my feet grabbing her shoulders. “You’ve got it wrong. Nothing happened between us prior to that stupid fucking kiss. All the pictures, the rumors…they were all fake. A still photo not showing the truth matrixed your mind to think other things.”
She pushes my hands off her shoulders with tears still falling. “Well.” She clears her throat. �
�I hope you two have a happy life. You deserve happiness.”
I watch her walk away. Words empty from my thoughts, except… “I quit on her,” I yell out unsure of why I do.
My heart begins to beat again the moment her feet pause. “Wouldn’t that screw things up with Cory?” she yells keeping her back to me.
“I didn’t care, but it didn’t.”
“I’m glad it didn’t. Good luck on your championship fight.”
And this time, I let her walk away.
Chapter 35
I cried the whole way home after leaving Levi. I don’t know what hurts worse, the fact it was Katie after all my suspicions or thinking it was some random chick. Oh, hell, what difference does it make?
I flop on the couch, drop my head in my hands and bawl. He dug up some deep emotions I was desperately trying to get over. Just a week ago, Ryker unearthed feelings I thought I was past, and now today has been an emotional overhaul.
A knock on the door stops me midstream of pouring wine. I told Holly where I was going and that I’d text her when I got back—that’s been over an hour ago.
Anger fuels me the moment I open the door to Levi. “What the fuck are you doing here?” I snap.
“I wasn’t done,” he says.
“I heard enough. I am,” I say closing the door.
He stops the door with his foot. “I’m not.”
“Why do you feel it always has to be your way? Haven’t you seen your way doesn’t always work? You’re not welcome here. Go away,” I spit in despise and push off the door strolling to the kitchen.
I don’t make it and am twisted around with a pissed off Levi in my face. “My way would have worked. I wanted you beside me, Paige. I couldn’t fucking breathe without you, dammit!”
I shove him in the chest in my best attempt to get him away, but he doesn’t budge. “Fuck you! Why’d you even come back?”
“I always keep to my word. I broke one of the biggest promises I’ve ever made by being a douche, but I also promised you I wouldn’t leave without a fight.”
A sinister laugh rumbles my chest. “There isn’t a fight. Levi, you called things off with me. You left. Now go away.”
“No,” he says dryly. “I have things I need to say.”
“Like what?” I jam my hand on my hip. “What else can you possibly say? You said you’re sorry. What else is there?”
He glowers at me clenching his jaw.
“Nothing, Levi. There’s nothing left to say. You can go back and live the life you were living before your visit.”
“The gym,” he mumbles.
My face scrunches. “Do what?”
“The gym. It’s the life I’ve been living. Wake, gym, sleep, and repeat.”
“Good for you.” I pat him on the chest. “You have a big fight coming up.”
He drops his head. “I can’t quit you, Paige,” he whispers. “I’ve tried but I love you too much to give up.”
My lungs freeze hearing the words I’ve missed and I close my eyes trying to block out the rambling thoughts.
“Please, Paige.” He looks back up to me. “I’ll do anything to prove it to you.”
“Stop.”
“You were supposed to be in my future. We were going to grow old together,” he continues.
I hate tears. “Then why?” He pulls me into his chest and I weep. “Why would you do that to me?”
“I’m sorry.” I look up hearing his voice crack. Wet royal blue eyes peer down at me. “I became a monster trapped in my own skin ready to explode because I missed you so badly. I was miserable doing what I loved but being so far away from you. I swear I was true to you.”
Slowly, he leans in and kisses me. Every move is deliberate, unhurried, and complete with emotions. His hands make their way to my face and he drags the backs of his fingers along my cheek leaving a trail of torching compassion. With every breath he inhales, I feel his begging need for forgiveness. His lips lack forcefulness, but possess a submissive intimacy.
My heart has all but stopped, emerged in the flooding of emotions. My knees are wobbly, my body feels unsteady. It’s a sedating kiss.
“I need you, Paige,” he whispers against my lips. “Please,” he begs feathering kisses along my jawline. “Sunshine, I fell so hard.”
Back to my lips, he doesn’t allow our kiss to become frantic, slowing my movements down. I run my hands up his chest and pull him into me by his neck. It’s the most vulnerable kiss I’ve ever experienced. I can feel his sorrow, his guilt, and his hurt. His love, his want, his fears and his lust are breathed in by my very soul.
It’s overwhelming.
I pull back and drop my gaze to my feet. “Don’t do this to me.”
“Do what? Kiss you?”
“You know you’re confusing the hell out of me. I’m sure it was part of your plan.”
“I don’t want you confused. And the only plan I had was for you to forgive me until I saw you and felt it all over again. I want you back in my life.”
I take a deep breath begging myself for confidence. “I don’t know how I feel about that.”
“How can I change your mind?” he asks.
“It’s not that easy. You failed at the very thing I was so insecure about.”
“I demolished it. I know. I can’t change the past, but for fuck’s sake let me change the future.”
“You left me, remember? I didn’t get a say in this.”
“I was so ashamed of myself. I—”
“Paige?” Blain calls out from behind Levi.
Levi sighs vanquished and moves out from in front of me, turning to Blain.
“You okay?” Blain asks, looking past Levi to me.
I nod. “Yes.”
Blain’s eyes cut to Levi and then back to me. “You sure?”
“Yes. Levi was just leaving,” I say.
He turns back to me. “Paige…” he says hopelessly.
“I promise, I’ll call you tomorrow,” I tell him.
His gaze lingers for a moment, silently begging for a different outcome, but I’m not giving in. Finally, he twists and heads for the door but stops beside Blain and says something before quietly leaving.
I slide down the wall, pulling my knees to my chest, exhausted from the mind fuck I’ve just gone through.
Blain sits beside me. “Last thing I expected on my way home. I shit myself when I saw him over you.”
“What’d he say to you?”
“He said he was sorry for hurting you.” He drops his head against the wall and chuckles. “That word sounds weird as hell coming out of his mouth.”
“It’s all I’ve heard for hours.”
He pats my knee. “Well, what are you going to do?”
“If you have the answer will you please let me know?”
“This one’s on you, girl. Only you know the truth deep in your gut. You and him are the only ones to have those conversations.”
“That doesn’t help.” I laugh under my breath.
“My best advice,” he says helping me up. “Follow your gut. It hasn’t done you wrong yet. I’ll support whatever you decide.”
Yeah, my gut…floating in a sea of screwed up emotions.
Chapter 36
I talked to Holly for hours last night, right into the wee hours of the morning. Thankfully, Matt was out doing something with Ryker, so I had her to myself. And I didn’t want to drive over there in case Ryker showed up to mentally screw me up worse.
We laughed. I cried. She agreed with Blain about following my gut, but it’s tangled with emotions. I don’t have an off switch to just forget things. I can’t stop knowing he cheated on me and then ran away without discussing anything. He abandoned me.
I’ve acknowledged that I need to talk to him level-headed, and if I do allow him back in my life, we’re going to have to take it slow. He can’t just bounce back from that. If my insecurities were a thing, I’m quite sure they are going to rear their ugly heads again.
I didn’t slee
p well, tossing and turning with him on my mind last night. I’ve had too much coffee, taken a shower and am sitting on the side of my bed with my phone in hand. I promised to call him today. Half of me—the spiteful bitch—wants to show him how a broken promise feels, but the other half of me—the adult with a heart—says two wrongs don’t make a right.
“Hello?” His voice is full of hope.
“Hi,” I say flatly. “I don’t know what you want from me. You want forgiveness, fine, I forgive you. You made a mistake. You’re human. I don’t—”
“You,” he interrupts me.
“Me what?”
“That’s what I want from you. You.”
“You had me.”
God, that hurt to say.
“I want you back.”
“You promised me you had no hidden intentions when you called me the first time.”
“I didn’t and I don’t. When I called I wanted to clean the slate and apologize for my actions. Then I saw you. I’m not hiding a thing. I’m being very honest. I want you back.”
“So you think at a snap of your finger I’m going to jump back into your lap?”
He chuckles under his breath. “I wish it was that easy. Let’s have lunch.”
I roll my eyes. “I’m not hungry.”
“You fail to realize we’ve had this conversation before. You come to me or I come to you?”
“Seriously?”
“Do you need a reminder of how persistent I am? Either you come here or I come there. You decide.”
I look at the clock—eleven forty-five.
“Quit thinking about it and come on. My treat. Room service special.” He laughs.
I puff air under my breath.
“Room 509 at the hotel in the trees. Be here in thirty and I’ll have lunch ready.”
“Levi, I really don’t—”
“Yes, you do,” he says. “Quit arguing with yourself. Bring your sexy ass over here, eat lunch with me, and allow your heart to open up a bit.”