Her Pretend Christmas Date: A Lesbian Christmas Romance

by Alexa Woods

  “It’s not that I can’t say it!” Laney burst out. It was obvious that she was really struggling, and it hurt Morgun that she couldn’t just give in and comfort Laney, but she couldn’t. That wouldn’t be right. It would just undo everything she’d said.

  “Then say it,” Morgun begged. “You could if you wanted to. I know that. I know what you feel, so I’m not sure why you’re holding back. I’m not even sure why we’re here right now, having this conversation.”

  “It’s just that…”

  “You could say you’re sorry. That you were scared, but you’re willing to get past that. That yes, we are dating. That yes, you want to be with me, and you’ll make it right to everyone you told today. You could say that you do care about me and you could ask me if I’m willing to take things slowly. You could explain to me what it is you’re afraid of and we could work through that together.”

  Morgun waited. She didn’t think she was being unreasonable. She wasn’t demanding. She wasn’t trying to coach Laney into saying it. She was just trying to get her to think. To explain. To vocalize something that Morgun could understand. But then she realized that it might be unfair to ask for just one side of the picture.

  “Or you could explain to me why you think it won’t work. You could tell me that it won’t, and we’ll stick with that. We’ll see each other around and say hi, and that will be fine.” It wouldn’t, but Morgun was willing to be mature enough to put on a brave face. She hated when people dated at work and brought their drama there for everyone to see when things weren’t going well. After couples broke up and they still had to be in the same space, she hated how crazy cold and awkward it was for everyone else.

  “Either way,” Morgun went on, unable to stay silent. “I just wish you would talk to me.”

  “I…I just can’t. I’m not good at this like you are. I don’t know what’s going on with me, and it’s hard to put it into words. I don’t know why I’m scared. I just know that I am and it’s not going to change. I want a career, Morgun. You know that. This is…you’re…it’s been…I just don’t think I can do both.”

  “No one’s saying you have to do it all right now,” Morgun whispered through the pain. “No one. I’m not asking for a ring and to move in and for a family right now. Or tomorrow. Or for years. I just want some actual commitment.”

  “I know.” Laney’s throat bobbed up and down when she swallowed. “I know that. And you’re right to ask for it and want it.” Her eyes filled up with tears that she blinked rapidly to clear. “I’m so sorry. I can’t do this. I thought I could, but it’s not going to work. I know that in the future, you’ll end up resenting me because I can’t give you everything you want and deserve, so there’s no point in going on and wasting time and having you find that out when I can tell you right now that it won’t work for me. With me. I am sorry. I need you to know that.”

  “Okay.” It wasn’t okay. She didn’t know why she said that, other than it was expected of her and she had to. What else could she do? “I guess you should go then.”

  “I…” Laney blinked. Like she hadn’t expected Morgun to tell her to leave. Like there would be something magical that happened between them and everything would just be fine. Or that Morgun would give in. Would change her mind and ask her to stay.

  It wasn’t going to happen.

  Laney finally realized that. She blinked rapidly again, but Morgun refused to be moved by the tears. It was done and she couldn’t soften and give in. She was worth more than that. She was worth being treated right. She knew she couldn’t be happy with just a quarter of a commitment. She wanted all of Laney. She was even willing to work with her and wait for her, but not if she was already certain that it wouldn’t work out. Having a fatalist attitude only ensured that things wouldn’t work.

  Laney ducked her head and turned slowly. Morgun didn’t call her back. She didn’t call out to her when she walked out the door. She forced herself to walk over and lock it, not fling it open and go running after Laney. She purposely turned her phone off so she couldn’t regret-dial Laney’s number and stupidly pour out her heart or do any begging.

  Morgun set her phone on the kitchen counter and walked woodenly to the bathroom. What she needed was a hot bath. A soak in the tub wouldn’t fix much, but at least she could wash way her tears in there.

  She was totally numb when she turned the taps. She was still numb when she got in. She barely felt the hot water she splashed onto her face. She told herself she’d feel this way for a while and that it was okay, but really, the level of grief she felt scared her. The heartache scared her.

  It was okay to be scared. It wasn’t okay to give up before a person even started. She didn’t blame Laney. From the first, Laney had said she wanted a career. Morgun thought a person really could have both, but only if they wanted to. It was up to them to change their mind about it. She couldn’t do that for Laney no matter how much she wanted to.

  She took solace in the only thing she could: hope. Hope that Laney could still change her mind. Hope that maybe the pain she was obviously going through would signal to her that it was worth changing her mind and taking a chance.

  That hope fizzled when Morgun realized it would probably do the opposite. If Laney was afraid of hurting, and she was hurting right now, it would probably only discourage her.

  Morgun knew she couldn’t have done anything differently, but she still mourned the fact that everyone was right when they said that love or other feelings, or the rightness and naturalness of a special connection, sometimes just wasn’t enough.

  Chapter 27

  Laney

  For twelve days, Laney stewed. She worked. Worked so hard that she didn’t have time to think about her personal life. She took extra clients. Extra sessions. She made sure she poured her all into editing, even more so than normal. She didn’t watch TV. She worked out in the spare minutes she did have, since exercise seemed to take her out of herself even more than TV did.

  On day thirteen, the universe clearly wanted to give her a beat down. Or maybe a karmic sign. Laney wasn’t sure how to take it. She’d forgotten that the shoot she had booked in L.A. it was a maternity shoot. The model happened to know her well.

  Kirsten Zarkavich worked for a large company in L.A. Laney had done photos with her as the model a couple times, but this was the first session she was doing with Kirsten pregnant. She was modelling for a line of maternity wear, and Laney would be the first to admit that Kirsten was rocking it. She made Laney’s job exceptionally easy. Even eight or so months pregnant, Kirsten was very nimble. She’d been modelling for years, so she knew her body and how to pose and work the camera.

  “That’s great,” Laney encouraged her needlessly, circling around to get a side shot on Kirsten in a light purple maxi dress. Kirsten set her hand delicately on her bump and smiled just the right amount for the shot.

  “Oh!” She let out a sudden exclamation and Laney froze, her heart beating wildly. “Don’t worry,” Kirsten laughed, noting her alarm. “I’m not going into early labor or anything. The baby just kicked, that’s all. It was so hard that it startled me. Sorry.”

  “That’s alright!” Laney looked closely, and she was amazed to see the dress draped over the bump shiver and ripple with the baby’s movement. “Wow!” she exclaimed. “That’s crazy.”

  Kirsten nodded. “I’m looking forward to getting this baby out and to all the sleepless nights and endless diapers and all that. No matter how exhausting it is, it will still be better than being kicked to death from the inside out. And I’ll likely get more sleep when someone isn’t endlessly turning summersaults in my belly, bouncing against my ribs all night.” Kirsten didn’t look at all haggard. She looked beautiful. She was glowing, like most pregnant women. And she certainly didn’t look at all displeased about the kicking like she let on.

  “Can I ask you something personal and probably kind of rude?” Laney lowered the camera. “I mean, because we’ve worked with each other for a couple of yea
rs now? You can say no. Or you can choose not to answer when you hear it.”

  “Okay. Yeah. Sure.”

  Kirsten was a nice person. She was in her mid-twenties. Tall. Blonde. Gorgeous. Even before she was pregnant, she looked like she was glowing. She was married to a guy who made movies. He wasn’t a director or anything, but he worked on some kind of production somewhere for movies, and that in itself was pretty cool. She knew that Kirsten really loved her husband, because she’d mentioned things about him during shoots and after, when they were talking casually.

  “I-I mean, do you…are you worried about, well, do you ever worry that your career, after the baby comes, that you won’t have as much time anymore? For it? I mean? God, that sounds rude. Never mind. You don’t have to answer that.”

  Kirsten just grinned and caressed her adorable bump. She was so tall that even at eight months pregnant, the bump wasn’t that big. She was the most beautiful, cute, and sweet pregnant lady that Laney had ever known.

  “That’s alright. It’s a good question. I don’t know. My husband is really supportive. My agency is really supportive as well. I don’t think the year off will hurt me any and then I do plan on finding good childcare after and getting back into it. If something happened and I couldn’t book as many jobs after, well, that would be okay.” Kirsten shrugged. “I could always do something else. I’m young and I do have a degree, not that anyone would think about that. I have lots of other interests. Plus, I want this. I’ve wanted to be a mom for a really long time. I know I’m only twenty-six, and everyone thinks that’s young now, but I’m happy. I can’t wait for it. So, no, I’m not really all that worried. Family comes first for me. It always has. My career will either be, or it won’t be. It’s not the be all, end all. When I’m old, I’d like to look back on it and say I had some success at this, but ultimately, that’s not what I want to be remembered for. I want to be membered as a good person. As a great mom.” She covered her mouth and flushed. “Here I am giving you a sermon instead of an answer.”

  “That’s alright.” Laney raised her camera and they got back to work, but they continued to talk. “I’m really happy for you. I think you’ll be a great mom.”

  “Mike is going to be such a good father too! He’s so excited, even for the birth. Personally, I wish I could skip out on that. I’m kind of scared, since I’ve never done it before and I have an idea of what to expect, but not really.”

  “I’m sure that will be fine too. There’s always an epidural.”

  “God, yes! I’m not going to be too proud to get it if I need it.” Kirsten angled to the side and posed for a series of shots. “What about you?” she asked, changing positions. “Do you ever want to have kids?”

  “I…”

  Laney no longer knew how to answer that, because for the past twelve days, she’d done nothing but beat herself up about what happened with Morgun. She missed her fiercely. Why couldn’t she just have explained that she wasn’t just scared of losing Morgun, that she was also afraid of losing herself? Her identity? Everything she’d put in place to define herself? Everything she thought she wanted? If she no longer wanted that, if her career was no longer the be all, end all of everything, what did that mean for her? Where did it leave her?

  She wasn’t any good at expressing her feelings, and when Morgun confronted her, she’d shut down completely. That was good to note for the future if she could pull herself up out of her self-pity and self-doubt and do something about getting Morgun back. Laney would remember how she shut down.

  She hated it. She’d never felt so helpless in her life. She wasn’t angry with Morgun. She was angry with herself. She felt pathetic. Useless. Wrecked. And Morgun took it all the wrong way, which was completely understandable. When Laney tried to say anything, it came out wrong or backfired on her. Why couldn’t she just say the one thing she needed to in order to make everything right? Why?

  If it came down to it, could she apologize to Morgun and tell her everything she’d been thinking about for the past twelve days? Should she write it down? Not send it, because that sucked, but just write it down so she knew how to put things into words?

  It will probably take me the rest of my life to put into words what Morgun means to me already.

  Laney shifted, then caught Kirsten looking at her expectantly. Right. She hadn’t really answered her question.

  “I…yes.” That word sounded loud and clear and strong. It bounced off the backdrop and into the lighting and straight back at Laney, whose heart was suddenly pounding furiously. “I never thought that I did, but then I…”

  “You met someone, and you changed your mind? That happens. It happens a lot. I’ve met tons of people who’ve changed their minds about things like that. One way or the other. I think sometimes, when you meet that person, that special person that you just know is different with every fiber of your being, it’s natural to change and to start rethinking things about yourself and find things you’d like to change. Not in a bad way. Not to suit the other person, but just naturally. Because we want to be better. Or something. Jesus, I’m giving a lecture again. Just call me professor over here,” Kirsten giggled.

  Laney laughed too. It wasn’t forced. She wanted to tell Kirsten that she was right. Laney knew she’d been stupid. Stubborn. Scared—not of just Morgun, but of all of it. It seemed pathetic to her. She seemed pathetic to herself when she went over and over it.

  Why couldn’t she just have gotten her shit together and not hurt Morgun? Why had she said that stupid stuff in the lunchroom that day? Why had she not just apologized to Morgun and made things right? She wanted, more than anything, to do it now, but was thirteen days later too late?

  Since Kirsten was wiser than any professor Laney had ever met, she decided to ask her. “Do you think that if you meet the right person and you do something to hurt them and were very, very, incredibly insensitive and horrendous, do you think that two weeks after the fact would be too late to apologize and try to make it right?”

  Kirsten gave her a look that was filled with compassion. Not pity. Just understanding. “Mike and I have had a few fights. We broke up once, a couple years ago. For a few months. I think we needed that time to decide what we really wanted. After, though, we were much better together. No more fights. We worked on our issues. It’s hard being with someone. Combining two lives, not into one, but into two that function together. Life is rough and sometimes that’s hard on love, or whatever it is we feel. I would say that for myself, those few months weren’t too late. But I can’t really speak for anyone else. I’m sorry, that probably isn’t very helpful.”

  “No,” Laney whispered, raising the camera back to her face again. “That’s actually really helpful. Thank you.”

  Chapter 28

  Morgun

  Thirteen lonely days after Laney left, Morgun was in the middle of taking another long, relaxing soak in her tub when her phone dinged on the bathroom vanity. There was no way she was going to check it, and she sank even deeper into the hot water. She hated bubble baths. Cranking on the water just about as hot as she could take it was her idea of relaxing after a rough day. She’d soak for a while, then when the water cooled down, she’d reach for the book on the floor by the tub. She’d ruined a couple books that way, but she had an excellent success ratio for reading versus having the books take a plunge.

  What a day it had been. Morgun was used to dealing with difficult clients, but holy freaking cheese and crackers. She’d been booked to do a family shoot at a park. Should have been easy peasy, and done in an hour. Instead, the parents were monsters, trying to turn their kids into little robots, but also insisting that the photos look as natural as possible.

  The mom was incessant and her poor kids, ages somewhere around five and seven, got more and more upset as time went on. The dad kept demanding to look at the shots right after she’d taken them, then he’d offer her some critiques. It wasn’t anything she couldn’t handle, annoying as it was, but it grated on her nerves.
>
  She had to admit those nerves felt constantly raw since the night she’d basically broken up with Laney. Basically, because to break up with someone you kind of had to be dating them for real first. Although, maybe that didn’t have to be official. The fight. The ending. The last time she’d seen Laney. Whatever term applied, Morgun hadn’t felt like herself since that night.

  She’d tried to be hopeful, which lasted a few days. Laney didn’t call or text or change her mind. After those first seventy-two hours passed, Morgun had grown quite despondent. She’d declined invites to have dinner or go to a movie with Chelsea. She hadn’t even asked her to come over once, and she realized what a terrible friend she was being.

  It was probably Chelsea texting her now.

  Morgun sunk lower in the water, until it lapped against her chin. She shut her eyes and inhaled deeply.