Love Me ~ Without Regret

by Renee Kennedy

  “She was in my bed last night, Kane. Is that enough for you? She’ll be in my bed again tonight if I want her there.” I’m being an asshole, but he needs to get the message. Kane can have all the fun he wants, as long as it doesn’t involve Lizzie. If I can’t have her, he sure as hell can’t have her.

  “You never had a problem sharing with me until she whose name shall not be spoken did her thing. My advice is to go back to BM, before—”

  “Don’t say that name around me. Don’t ever mention that fucking cunt whore to me. I never shared with you when I was dating someone. Only when I was having a one night stand and they wanted it that way, but I certainly didn’t share her.”

  “Whatever you say, man, but it only went to shit when you let your heart get involved.”

  Before I can get myself under control, I grab Kane by the arm. “Don’t mistake my willingness to have a good time every once in a while for a major character flaw. And just so you know, I was dating her exclusively, but my heart didn’t get involved until the very end and you know why.”

  Kane begins to shrug away from me.

  “Just let it go, Clay.” Levi places his hand on my shoulder.

  I take a deep breath before I release Kane’s arm then pat his chest. “Let’s get this feed into the barn.”

  “Clay, are you okay?” Levi asks. “Forget about the before, she ain’t worth it. But I’ve got to be honest with you, I’ve never seen you act this way over a woman.”

  “Sorry, man.” Kane puts up his hands. “I know what all she put you through. That’s why I can’t understand why you’d want to do it again that’s all.”

  Kane’s right, but Lizzie is different. She has to be. I sling another bag and stalk away. I’m no longer in the mood to talk to Levi and the asshole.

  Lizzie is still cleaning out stalls when I make it back with my load. When she notices I’ve arrived, she leans the rake up against the wall and looks over at me.

  “Clay, I would really like to talk to you, in private maybe, to avoid more interruptions.”

  She worries her lip then averts her eyes, and I get the impression that Lizzie needs more than anything to get that other hand off her chest.

  Buttercup, my favorite horse, sees I’m close, and whinnies and paws at the ground. She’s a little spoiled to say the very least. “What is it, girl?” I walk over to Buttercup’s stall and give her a pet on the neck.

  “Does Buttercup want a little attention?” Lizzie comes over. “Do you want to take her for a walk?”

  Buttercup’s the favorite among the staff and youngsters, too, so walking her isn’t something others wouldn’t find strange for us to be doing. Not that I’m worried about what others think, but this will give Lizzie and me a reason to be alone. “Okay, that would be good.”

  As I slip on Buttercup’s halter she nickers and nuzzles in my pockets, looking for the treat she knows she’s about to get.

  As we head toward the field, Lizzie is quiet. Lizzie is never quiet. She is the queen of sarcasm and has a quick witty personality. She’s full of life and attitude. That other hand must be a heavy one.

  “Clay, I’ve been thinking. I don’t believe it would be a good idea for us to screw like bunnies. I don’t want that to ruin what we have now. Things could be weird between us and that would mean we wouldn’t be able to be around Cash and Bailey at the same time.”

  “You’re probably right.” I know that comes as a shock to her. “But what if it doesn’t get weird? What if we can make it work?” I’ve always heard that if a girl is easy to get, she really ain’t worth having anyhow. The girls who you work to get their attention and who are hard to get are the ones who end up being epic. “We should at least date and see if we’re compatible.”

  “I don’t do relationships.” She isn’t looking at me. “I’m not the kind of girl that guys want forever. It’s kind of an inherited trait, I think.”

  I stop walking then take her hands and turn her to face me. “What? That’s just crazy. That’s the biggest piece of bullshit I’ve ever heard. Any guy would be lucky to have you.” I lift her chin so our eyes meet. I’ve never seen her so serious.

  “I was in a relationship for a couple of years when I was in high school,” she says. “He was the one who took my virginity. He made me all kind of promises, but in the end, I wasn’t enough to make him stay. He was a couple of years older than me. When he left for college he said, ‘Ah gee, thanks for the fun, but you aren’t the kind of girl who any guy wants forever. You’re white trash, just good for fucking’.”

  “Let me stop you right there, don’t ever let me hear you refer to yourself like that. You’re a good person. Look how you stop everything you are doing when one of the little kids come up to you here. You drop down to your knees and show them love and kindness, Lizzie. People who are trashy wouldn’t do that. Besides, I hate labels. Don’t let people label you.”

  “Well, that’s what I do now. I just screw around with guys. It saves me the trouble of another guy listing all of my faults again.” She looks down. “It wasn’t just him, though. I’ve had many guy friends tell me almost the same thing. They were never crude as he was, but they all thought the same thing. I wasn’t someone to take home to meet the parents.”

  She’s just blown my mind. I see her eyes are glistening, and she’s on the verge of tears.

  I give her Buttercup’s lead to free my hands then cup her face so she can’t look away. “Lizzie, he was the one undeserving of you, Sweetheart. You can’t give up on love because he wasn’t the one. There is always someone in the world who loves you. God puts everyone a mate on the Earth.” I run my thumbs across her cheekbones.

  “Relationships are for the hopeless romantic types, like Bailey.” She pulls my hands from her face and thrusts them against my chest. “I’ve never been a sap for true love, I’m the fun to fuck girl. But really what gets to me the most is he was sleeping around behind my back. He’s the one that was being shoddy.”

  “Hey now, if you don’t have your heart broken a few times, you’ll never know when Prince Charming comes along. Has no one ever told you the story about having to kiss a few frogs?” I try to lighten the mood because this is a heavy conversation.

  A lone tear runs down her face, and she shakes her head. “Clay, I can’t.” She stuffs the lead rope into one of my hands then walks away.

  I see it clearly now. She is terrified of love. Just like I’m terrified of screwing around. But, I also know what they say about opposites, like when updrafts and downdrafts exist in a thunderstorm, hang onto your hat because it’s gonna be one hell of a tornado. Lizzie is one storm I wanna chase.

  Walking Buttercup back to the stables, I notice my little sweetheart Emma and her mom, Heather, waiting for their session to begin. Emma is adorable, with the sweetest chubby cheeks and brown hair and blue eyes. She has gone from barely peeking around Heather at her first session to giving little waves to the staff. Well, she gives me a hug when I ask for one because I’m her favorite.

  At Crossroads, we give the kids room to find their own inner rhythms and feelings. We don’t rush them out of their comfort zone. We encourage and celebrate every little breakthrough. Watching these kids grow and develop makes everything we do here worth every penny. I’ll do anything to help my little buddies. They all have gifts, which are merely covered by mental confusion. They see the world differently than we do. In their eyes, evil and injustice don’t exist. If everyone thought like they did, we would have peace.

  Seeing the delight on one of their faces after they’ve worked up the courage to complete what their counselor asked them to do is worth a million dollars to me. The parents smiling with pride and sometimes tears because their child has made a breakthrough and done something they never thought was possible, that’s priceless.

  My sweet little Emma is making her own accomplishments in her own time. Today, I see she has a stuffed Barney the Dinosaur tucked under her arm. After Buttercup is tucked away, I walk over to talk
to her.

  “Hey, how’s my sweet Emma today?” I kneel and hold my arms out for a hug. She’s a happy and loving kid. That’s why I call her sweet Emma.

  Emma walks a couple of steps towards me and puts her arms around my neck, “Bye, bye, byes, I’m eight.” She uses her fingers to count off the numbers.

  “Did you have a birthday? I thought you looked eight years old today.” I ask her.

  Emma nods her head.

  “Tell Mr. Clay what we’re going to do after horse today?” Heather smiles down at her.

  “What are you going to do, Emma? Is it something fun?”

  “Chuck E. Cheez.” Emma walks back to Heather and takes her hand.

  “I love going to see my pal Chucky. He has a lot of fun games.”

  Her instructor walks up holding a gift bag. “Emma, I have something for you. When we finish with your session you can open your birthday present.”

  Emma looks up at Heather and gives her a smile.

  “Tell Ms. Donya thank you,” Heather tells her.

  Emma walks over and takes Donya’s hand. That’s the best thank you I’ve ever seen someone give.

  “You’re my friend,” Emma tells her.

  Donya says, “You’re my friend, too, Emma. Are you ready to go work with the horses?” Donya’s smile couldn’t get any bigger. She’s an ol’ softie with these kids. She puts in the extra effort to get to know them and make each one feel very special.

  Emma nods, “Bye bye byes, Mr. Clay. I love you.”

  My heart melts. “Bye, Emma, I love you, too.”

  They walk off for their time together and I stand here with my heart overflowing once again for one of my kids. That right there, sweet Emma, and all the other little tykes, they make my day.

  I see Oakley walking down the path that leads from our house to start her shift. She works with kids and adults with hearing loss. She is dang good at it, too. Crossroads only has a couple of deaf clients at the moment, but she helps out doing other things around the ranch. I think helping others may assist in keeping her mind off Mom and Dad. I know throwing myself into work has helped me. Slowly and surely, we’ll be able to move past their tragedy and be able to grieve their deaths.

  three

  Lizzie

  I talked Bailey into coming out with Aubs and me tonight. She just had to bring Cash. They are attached at the hip. You would think she would want to go out every now and then without him. We are back at The Lonely Heart because Aubs wanted to see Ryder again. This time, I’m in my Daisy Dukes and boots, even though it’s colder than a witch’s tit outside. My makeup is my everyday subdued. I have different club attire for different purposes. Last night I had on my biker bar, spank my ass clothes. Tonight is my sweet, but naughty country girl get up because I intend to get to know Kane. Maybe. I mean he’s cute and fun to flirt with, but I don’t know.

  I know Bailey and everyone else is going to be pissed that I’ll be hitting on Kane, but Clay has to see me for who I am. I’m not some fairy tale princess that is waiting for her prince. He has to see why love isn’t an option for me. I’m not capable of that shit.

  We get a table tonight since we have Mr. Party Pooper with us. I’m going to get Bailey out on that dance floor if it kills me. The three of us together have this girl on girl dance that drives men wild. I’ve taken guys home simply because they’ve seen me dancing. Most of the time, they want to come home with all of us and have a foursome, but we haven’t done any foursomes. Now a threesome is a different story, but there’s never any girl on girl action as they have hoped. Even the threesome business is in my past, though. I’m just not into that anymore. I got all the wild stuff out of my system while we were in Tuscaloosa. Contrary to popular belief, I’m not buck-ass-wild, well, not anymore.

  We are at the bar early so we can hang out with the band members before they go on stage. I’m going to be full on flirtatious with Kane to get Clay’s crazy notions of a relationship between us out of his head.

  “Bailey, get your ass up and get on the dance floor. You’re engaged not dead. Besides, Cash is right here. You guys won’t be but a few feet apart. I think he can survive without your tongue stuck down his throat for one song!” She looks all dreamy eyed at Cash and they start kissing like I just reminded them what they should be doing. I know any more attempts are futile. Seriously. Aubs has found Ryder and they're going at each other like dogs in heat. I need to find someone to dry hump, too. When Aubs lets Ryder come up for air, I’ll ask where Kane is.

  “Hey, pretty girl.”

  I feel him whisper in my ear, and my cooch starts to tingle. How am I going to show him I can’t be with him when the mere murmur from him kicks my libido into overdrive? He sends crazy little shivers to my core, which makes me want to jump on his hips and play ride’em, cowboy. I turn on my severely sarcastic attitude. Snarkiness is always a turn off for guys.

  “Hey, Clay, is Kane around? I need a pick me up, and he’s the man for the job.” I shift my lips to the side and give him a catty look.

  His face tightens into a grimace.

  “Everyone is dry humping so I need a partner, too. At least someone to dance with.”

  He grabs my hand and leads me to the dance floor.

  A slow dance song is on. I can’t be this close to him. My stomach flutters. Not good. With his hand around my waist, I’m finding it difficult to breathe.

  “You don’t need Kane, Lizzie. Kane only looks out for Kane. He only wants a good time.”

  Clay is wrong. That is exactly what I desire. I’m in desperate need of a good time.

  “I’ve been trying to tell you, Clay, guys like that don’t bother me at all. I’m only available for mutually pleasurable associations.” He looks like he just died on the inside. Better he sees all of this now so he can find someone else to move on to. It’s the right thing to do. It’s the right thing to do. The. Right. Thing.

  “If that is what you truly want, Lizzie, go ahead and get all the fuck ‘em and leave ‘em out of your system. I personally think you’re capable of more than that. Do me one favor, though. Leave my friends out of the mix. I think you will regret being with one of them more than ever being with that high school boyfriend.”

  He kisses me again, and his lips set me on fire.

  As I struggle to put out the flame, which hits me right between my legs, I tell myself this is what has to be done, this is the best for both us in the long run. I have to keep up that mantra.

  “Clay, don’t be telling me who I can and can’t hook up with.” I look over at our table and see the rest of the band has joined the group. “Where is Cheesy Ass tonight? Why are you being all serious and mopey? What about not living with regrets?”

  Clay looks off into the distance, and I wonder what he’s thinking about.

  Then he looks down at me, one corner of his mouth turned down.

  If I’m not mistaken, I see grief in his eyes. This can’t be from our conversation, can it?

  The song ends and we walk back to the table. Kane has made his appearance so I give him sexy eyes, and maybe he will get the hint that I’m interested. Which I am. I’m interested in Kane. “Which one of you guys is going to be the lucky one that gets their world rocked by me tonight? Both?”

  Kane and Michael both shift their eyes over to Clay. He just sighs and shrugs his shoulders.

  I see Denise, prancing her way into the bar, all bubbly, right away.

  What the hell is she doing here? Did I just say that out loud? Who invited her? Bailey? Or was it Clay? This is what I want to know.

  “Hey, guys, are you having fun yet or were you waiting for me?” Denise says.

  She is all bouncy and cheerful.

  Clay gives her a kiss on the cheek.

  What? I thought he had a thing for me.

  “Kane, it looks like your body wants to dance. I bet you’d look really hot out there.” I grab his hand and pull him to the dance floor. We wind our way in between bodies and find an empty place near the
middle. I start my sexy dance on him. I say “on him” because that is where I am. I’m all over his body and he is enjoying every minute of the attention. I dance my way up and down him. We’re so close. If we were any closer and had our clothes off, we would actually be screwing on the dance floor.

  “Lizzie, you do know that Clay has made you off limits for all of the guys in the band? He said something about you being his to conquer or some kind of shit like that,” Kane blurts out, shaking his head.

  Oh, he has to be kidding me! “He can let Denise be all over him in front of everyone, and say I’m off limits? He needs to know he can’t go around saying who I can or can’t date. Besides, how do you feel about that demand?” This is too much. Clay is going to get a piece of my mind. I stew on those words for a little bit, and then I get a great idea.

  “Kane, would you like to help me put him in his place a little bit?”

  His eyes sparkle with interest and a gleam of mischief.

  “Girl, he will hand me my ass, not that he scares me. I didn’t like it at all that he made you taboo. I wanted to get to know you better myself.” Something gets Kane’s attention then he nods his head toward Clay and Denise on the dance floor.

  Denise is looking up at Clay all doe-eyed. Oh please!

  “See that! He is all over her, too. Puuhlease!” I gesture toward moon face and Clay.

  He looks over at them and back to me.

  “Yeah, they do look pretty cozy,” Kane pulls me into him. “Why the hell not? I’m always up for giving Clay shit. Plus, I probably owe it to him for something that I can’t remember.”

  I’m sure Kane looked like he was kissing my neck as he whispered about how Clay was probably shitting a brick. His lips did brush my ear on accident, I think.

  Kane and I have fun dancing the time away until the band is ready to take the stage. We make plans to hang out later and I saunter my way back over to the table to take my seat by Bailey. Getting there, I find Denise is in MY seat laughing with MY friends. I really want to like her, but she is really rubbing me the wrong way. She is injecting herself into our crowd, whether I want her to or not. I know I need to find a way to get over her and Clay. So, I guess, yes, they’re a couple and I need to accept that and move on. I can only be friends with him anyway.