Love Me ~ Without Regret

by Renee Kennedy

  “Ah, I guess it’s going alright. It keeps me on my toes,” Lizzie says.

  “I’m so proud of you, Lizzie. Going to be a doctor and all. If I had any animals, I would let you be their doctor,” Granny tells her.

  “I know you would.” Lizzie gives the older lady a hug and kisses her on the cheek. “Because you’re the best Granny in the world.”

  “Well, I’m ready to go home now.” Papa says, standing. He starts shuffling to the door.

  “I guess that’s our cue to leave, Addie.” Margie laughs.

  “I know, he can’t be away from his recliner for more than ten minutes, it seems,” Granny says. “But I can’t leave without my babies giving me a hug.”

  Everyone goes to give her a hug, but I stand back.

  “Clayton Wilson, get over here and give me my hug. You’re my baby, too. Where is Ms. Oakley?”

  I walk over and give Granny and Margie hugs, explaining that Oakley is probably still in bed.

  “I want y’all to come see me. Y’all haven’t been over in a month of Sundays,” Granny says.

  “I’ll even cook y’all up something good,” Margie adds.

  “How can I pass that up?” I ask as I help Margie get them back to the car. I buckle Papa in the backseat. “Y’all be careful on the way home.”

  “Bye, Clay.” Margie and Granny say in unison.

  “Bye, ladies, Papa,” I say with a wave.

  Papa gives me a small wave back as I close his door. I stand and watch them pull out of the parking lot before making my way back to the stable.

  Lizzie has already mucked all of the stalls and is spreading fresh wood shavings for bedding. We installed soft matting in each stall when building the barn. I wanted the horses all to have a softer place to rest. My horses have an important job and they deserve every ounce of special treatment they receive.

  I walk up behind her, without making a sound. “Hey, Lizzie, you owe me a kiss. Are you about finished?”

  She jumps a good foot off the ground. “Good Lord, you nearly scared me to death. You shouldn’t do that to girls with pitchforks in their hands, ya know. Some kind of junk might end up getting stabbed.” She gives me a wicked little smile and blows me an air kiss. “I wanted to check the hooves today and look at their teeth. I know I can’t do any of the teeth removals myself, but we can schedule the vet to come out if need be.”

  She is slick. I have to hand it to her. I know she holds the health of the horses to her own high standards, which makes my affection for her even more solid. She’s soft hearted but such a strong woman, no wonder she is a force to be reckoned with. She doesn’t like to show that soft side, but I see it every time she’s here. I love her gentle way with these kids, getting down on their level.

  Grace, an older teenage client and part-time volunteer at the ranch, walks over. She really looks up to Lizzie and has been learning to care for the horses.

  “Hey, Grace, are you here to help me groom the horses?” Lizzie smiles at her. Looking over Grace’s shoulder, Lizzie gives Elaine, her mom, a nod to let her know that Grace is in good hands.

  Grace gives Lizzie her signature small smile, walks over, and takes a brush. She waits patiently for Lizzie’s instructions.

  “Chestnut is in his stall, if you would like, bring him out here, I’ll be getting ready to start check-ups soon.”

  “Okay,” Grace says, putting the brush down.

  “Do you remember how to put the halter on, or do you want me to come help you?” Lizzie asks her.

  “I can do it, Lizzie, I remember.” She looks so serious.

  “Good, I knew you had it, Grace.”

  Grace graduated high school back in January. When she turned nineteen, the next week she insisted she needed a job. She’s here more than her scheduled hours because she wants to be here when Lizzie is here.

  I think she feels more comfortable with Lizzie because they are close to the same size. Lizzie takes extra time with her, giving her instructions, being patient with her. Lizzie treats her like a friend and I’m sure that makes her feel special.

  Grace returns, leading the horse in question. “I’ve got Chestnut for you, Lizzie.”

  “Thanks, Grace. Will you start brushing him while I finish spreading the bedding?”

  Grace nods her heads, bobbing her golden brown ponytail.

  Lizzie smiles softly at her.

  I love the gentleness and encouragement she shows these kids.

  Grace performs her job with perfection and looks over to see if Lizzie is watching her.

  Lizzie gives her a nod.

  I want this softer side of Lizzie to open up to me. She has started the process by telling me a little about her past. I understand her foundation is fragile, I know about being broken hearted. Grief-stricken so bad, you feel like every breath is cutting your soul right out of your body.

  “Let me finish the stalls for you. You and Grace can get started on the checkups, Doc.” I walk over and take the pitchfork out of her hands.

  Elaine walks in. “Grace, we need to go, Sweetheart.” She turns to me, “Today’s her sister’s birthday, but Grace insisted that she had to help Lizzie today.”

  “You just finished up Grace, perfect timing,” Lizzie tells her. “When do you work again?”

  Grace gives a shrug.

  “She works tomorrow for a few hours and then has a session with her doctor.” Elaine answers for her.

  “I’ll take a look at the schedule and see if I can work some of my volunteer hours when you’re here,” Lizzie says. “I like to work when my friends work.”

  Grace gives another one of her signature small smiles.

  “Grace likes to work when you’re here, too,” Elaine says. “Okay, Grace, we need to go, tell everyone goodbye.”

  “Goodbye, Lizzie. Goodbye, Clay.” Grace tells us and she leaves with her mom.

  I move a little closer to Lizzie. “Thank you for always going out of your way for these kids. Have I told you how much I appreciate you looking after my animals?” I lean up against the wall, “you really amaze me.”

  “Yes, almost every time I’m here. Now, don’t forget to change out the waters, and I got Murphy’s to donate old tires to put the water buckets in so they won’t be so easy to knock over. I planned on putting one in each stall today.”

  “Yes, ma’am. Anything else you want me to do?” It’s funny her bossing me around my own barn.

  She shakes her head.

  I follow her out of the barn to the pasture gate. She whistles, long and loud, to call the horses in from the depths of the pasture. They all come trotting up to the gate, jockeying for their turn to spend quality time with her. Buttercup, of course, leads the pack. She nuzzles and sniffs Lizzie.

  “Hey there, girl. How’s my sweet Buttercup today?” Lizzie coos to the thirteen hundred pound animal with the beautiful golden mane.

  I see one of her favorite pupils moseying up to her, Colton Dixon. His mom, Kristy, volunteers here as much as possible. The therapy has helped him so much he begs to come every day. He has his own little grooming kit and a huge crush on Lizzie.

  Most of the time, Colton is extremely shy, which is the way with a lot of children with autism. The horses help teach them social skills and sometimes help their communication skills, too.

  Every child with autism is different. They all have problems to some degree with social skills, empathy, communication, and flexible behavior. But the level of disability and the combination of symptoms vary tremendously from person to person. In fact, two kids with the same diagnosis may look very different when it comes to their behaviors and abilities.

  I truly hate labels, but Colton has what is called high-functioning autism. He has worked hard with many different therapists before coming here to Crossroads. He was still very timid at first, but Lizzie has that something special and he has become close to her. Enough so that he will give her a weed he has picked or a small wave. He even makes eye contact with Lizzie and communicates with
her a little. I think what makes her a good volunteer is that she isn’t fake with these kids. She remains her true self all of the time. Well, maybe she’s a tad more soft around the children, which I’m sure doesn’t hurt.

  “Hi, Miz Liz,” Colton hands Lizzie an actual flower this time.

  “Hey, Colton, is this flower for me? Thank you.” He doesn’t respond to her, but Lizzie keeps right on talking to him.

  Kristy walks over to me, “Hey, Clay, how’s it going?”

  “Awe, I can’t complain. What about you? I see little man and I are after the same woman.” I laugh, leaning against the wall.

  “Uh oh, he’s some fierce competition.” Kristy beams with pride as she looks at her son, “he insists we stop and get a flower every time we come out here, in case Lizzie is working. You know, it makes my day to see him interacting with someone else. You guys have really helped. Lizzie goes above and beyond what any volunteer or even paid professional has done to help him.” Kristy’s eyes go a little misty.

  “We’re glad he’s making progress. I think he’s just as special to her as she is to him.”

  We eavesdrop on their conversation.

  “Buttercup eats grass,” Colton says.

  “She sure does and you know what, it helps her teeth.” Lizzie is checking the old girl’s teeth.

  “Mom said that Buttercup is a flower. Can she eat them, too?” Buttercup lowers her head for Colton to rub her nose.

  “Good girl, Buttercup. No, flowers like that make horses real sick. We don’t ever give them any flowers, okay?” She motions for Colton to join her at another one of the horses that are a little farther away. I can’t hear them any longer, but I can still see her sensitivity with him.

  I finish up everything that needs to be done, and Lizzie comes around the corner of the barn. She checks on the last horse and is now finished as well.

  “Clay, I really need to take a shower then come back for our date.”

  Oh no, she isn’t going to run out on me. “I happen to have a shower with great water pressure which has your name on it.”

  “Whatever, I just know I need to get the horse smell off of me.” She strolls out to her car.

  I live on the ranch, but you can’t see my house from the barn. It is set off back in the woods, very secluded. I can walk to the barn, but on most days, I drive my pickup because I’m always running here or there.

  I tell Lizzie the door is open at the house and she is welcome to the shower first.

  “All of Oakley’s crap is in her bathroom. She won’t care if you use any of it. I’m going to check on some things then I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

  “Thanks, I’ll see you in a few.”

  I really don’t need to check on anything. I know if I go to the house with her, I will want in that shower with her. It’s better for me to stay down here for fifteen to twenty minutes and allow her time to finish.

  Time seems to be crawling. I keep glancing at my watch. I swear time is going backward. I give up and drive the long, winding driveway back to the house. All the place is to me is boards and beams. A place where I sleep and eat. It isn’t my home, doesn’t feel like home yet. Something is missing. I feel like the barn is more of a home to me than this structure of bricks and mortar.

  When I enter, I hear Lizzie blow-drying her hair. I knock on the door of Oakley’s bathroom. “Hey, I’m getting in the shower now. It won’t take me long, so hurry up. Don’t worry about putting any shit on your face.” I say loud enough so she can hear me.

  “What?” Lizzie asks me.

  “You heard me, woman. Don’t go acting like you didn’t.” I laugh.

  “Mind your own business and leave me alone.” Lizzie snickers.

  I’m glad she is in a good mood. I hope to keep her there.

  We drive to the back part of my property where I have the fire ring set up. I pull a picnic basket and blanket from the back of the truck. I put out some Adirondack chairs. They have the capability of lying flat, in case the need arises.

  “I thought we could eat then go for a hike through the woods. We’ll come back here and I’ll build us a fire. We can watch the sunset, what do you think about that?”

  “You’ve got a strategy here, Clay? Got things all figured out?” Lizzie has her hands in her back pockets.

  I’m glad she is still grinning, or I might have thought she was upset.

  “You wanted a friendly outing. This is your friendly outing.” I set the picnic basket on the ground and spread out the blanket. I’m glad today is warmer than normal for January. The hike will feel nice.

  “Okay, I like hiking. Do you hike often?”

  “Nah, I don’t normally have the time to hike … but I do love it,” I say then thoughtfully add, “There’s just nothing like being alone with nature … it’s always changing, and you never know what might be around the bend. It could be more of the same thing you’re seeing … or it could be something completely different … and if you’re really lucky, it’s not a bear. There’s something about God in the beauty of His natural creation … and when I’m out in the woods alone, that’s when I feel the closest to Him. Not that you wanted to know all of that.”

  “No, actually I’m glad that you told me that. I like getting a peek at the inner workings of the man known as Clayton.”

  I move the picnic basket to the worn, red plaid blanket and wave my hand for Lizzie to take a seat. She kneels on a corner of the blanket and I join her, moving our food closer.

  “I hope you don’t mind turkey sandwiches,” I smile, handing her a wrapped sandwich. I happen to know turkey is her favorite sandwich … thank you, God, for friends like Bailey in my corner to help me plan this little meal.

  “Good choice, Clay … I love me some turkey sammies.” She laughs, taking the sandwich from me and opening it to peek inside. Her eyes and face light up. “You even added mayo and Swiss cheese… keep that up cowboy and you just might be a keeper.”

  “I’ll keep trying.” I chuckle, handing her a bottle of water. “Hope you don’t mind water for the trail … and I brought some spiced cider for later.”

  “Yeah, cold water is good on the trail.” She uncaps her bottle and takes a swig. “But, of course, the spiced cider will have to be hot …”

  “That’s why we’re building a fire.” I grin and busy myself laying out the rest of our food. We take our time finishing our lunch, exchanging small talk and idle chitchat.

  After the hike, I start the fire then take out the ingredients for s’mores. Who doesn’t love chocolate, and what’s a fire without roasting marshmallows? It’s cooling off so the fire will keep us warm. I drag one of the chairs over by the fire and lay it out flat. I want her sitting next to me so I can touch her. I will keep her warm and probably myself hard.

  I set up everything so we are facing west and can watch the sunset. I have a blanket to cover the chair and another for Lizzie. I get my Dutch oven ready for the spiced cider, and take out caramel flavored vodka to make the drinks taste similar to caramel apples. Bailey told me Lizzie loves anything with caramel. I hope, one day, to use that tidbit of info for a little fun.

  “You thought of everything. I love roasting marshmallows. Makes me think back to when Papa and Granny would take all of us kids camping. Sitting around a campfire is one of my favorite things to do.”

  “Are you and Bailey actually related? Cash told me something about sisters and misters, but … he was kissing Bay at the time so it was a little hard to understand. I didn’t want to ask him to repeat himself either.”

  She rolls her eyes. “Those two need to get a room. They make me want to puke, I swear. No, we grew up like sisters. My mom lived with Granny and Papa when she was a teenager. They have been known to take in strays.”

  “I know they’ve taken Oakley and me in as family. They want us to call them Granny and Papa, too.”

  “Really? Huh.” She looks off. “They must be fond of y’all. That’s the only way you get to be one of their hon
orary kids.” Then she grins and pokes me in my ribs. “You must be alright after all if you have Granny’s seal of approval.”

  The sun slides below the horizon, making a beautiful backdrop for the fire dancing in the ring. The layers of orange, pink, and purple make the sky look magical.

  “I love watching the sunset. It’s beautiful and free. It gives you a promise that you can put all of your worries to bed and tomorrow will be a new day,” I say.

  Lizzie scoots a little closer to me and lays her head on my shoulder.

  I take the opportunity to slip my arm around her waist then run my fingers down the length of her arm.

  She shivers.

  “Are you cold?” I don’t wait for her to answer. I pick up the blanket and wrap it around her. Pulling her in tight, I rest my head on top of hers.

  “Thanks,” she says quietly.

  “The cider is probably warm. Would you like a cup?”

  “Sure. Did I see caramel vodka, too?” She looks around for the bottle.

  “Yep, it’s in the basket, only the best for you. Did you want to add some to your cider?”

  Lizzie nods.

  She is really lovely. The fire casts a soft glow on her face. Listening to the pops and crackles of the fire and having Lizzie next to me, sipping on the cider is about the closest thing to heaven I can imagine. I can feel her body melting into mine.

  “Lizzie, I wish you would let that fire between us burn.”

  “Who said I won’t?” She turns and presses her lips to mine.

  I turn her until she’s facing me then push her back onto the chair. I believe in taking advantage of opportunities when they present themselves. If Lizzie didn’t just wave her white flag, I’m raising it for her.

  “We are going to date. You are going to like it.” I move and lay on top of her. I rub myself against her and feel how hot she is through her jeans. “I want to take you right here and break this whole damn chair.”

  “Okay.” Lizzie barely gets out. “Take me, Clay, right here. On this chair, by this fire. I want it and I want you, the relationship and everything that goes with it.”

  “You have no idea how happy that makes me.” I kiss her, running one hand behind her head.