Love Me ~ Without Regret

by Renee Kennedy

  Clay

  I take Megan out for breakfast and feel a little better about the whole situation. She said she would talk with her aunt about at least letting me be a part of my baby’s life. This still isn’t enough for me, but if this turns out to be my only option, I might need to make nice with Megan. She could end up being my advocate.

  I called to make an appointment with the same family law attorney as I talked to before. I have several hours before I have to be there, and I want to talk to Lizzie. I left her last night without a word. I ignored several calls and text messages from her and our friends. I’m sure she is worried about what’s going on and I’m an asshole for running out without an explanation and not responding to her text. I had so much going through my head with having to deal with Megan. I was so fucking pissed at the cunt and no way in hell was I taking a chance on lashing out at my one and only love.

  When I reach our room, I don’t think much about her not being there. I call and her phone goes to voicemail. I look around and the first thing I notice is the bed is still made. I go to the bathroom and all of her girly stuff is gone. The more I look, the more I notice everything of hers is gone. Where the hell is she?

  I dial Cash’s number, “Hey, man, where’s Tink? Is she with you guys?”

  Cash mumbles sleepily, “No, haven’t seen her. We’re asleep.”

  “She isn’t in our room and all of her stuff is gone. Can I talk to Bailey?” I’m getting worried and a little irritated.

  “She’s asleep. We haven’t heard from her since she left with Kane last night,” Cash tells me.

  I can’t believe what I’m hearing. “You let her leave with Kane? That’s like me letting Bailey leave with that guy Lizzie calls ‘a joke’. Why would you let her go with him?”

  “Clay, I want to help you, I really do, but I’m sleeping. You’re the one who ran out on her, dipshit, not me. I’ll talk to you later when I wake up.”

  “Wake Bailey the FUCK up!”

  The line goes dead. A lot of help he is.

  I dial Kane’s number. No answer. I will kill him.

  I call Ryder, “Hey, man, what’s Kane’s room number?”

  “What?”

  “Ryder, wake the fuck up and give me the asshole’s room number,” I yell into the phone.

  “He’s in the room next to me, why?” Ryder asks.

  “Because he…I need to talk to him and he isn’t answering the phone.” I try to sound calm while I get the room number from Ryder.

  I don’t waste any time getting up to the tenth floor. I hastily walk down the hallway to room ten twenty-nine. I take a deep breath before knocking on the door. There’s no answer. I go next door to Ryder’s room. They leave the adjoining rooms unlocked unless they have a woman with them. It’s worth a shot to see if I can get in.

  I tap on Ryder’s door, “Hey, man, open up.”

  “Hey,” Ryder has on his glasses. He never lets anyone see him in his frames. He’s much too vain.

  “Hey, do you have your door unlocked to Kane’s room?”

  Ryder nods and opens the door for me to enter.

  I go straight to the connecting door and I don’t bother to knock. Going into Kane’s room, I see my worst fear is true. Lizzie is snuggled up next to Kane asleep. This can’t be real. No. I see red. I yell!

  “Lizzie, what the fuck?” My voice sounds strangled. I see them both jump.

  “Clay, we didn’t…” Lizzie begins.

  “Why are you in his room, in his bed? Kane!” I storm over to him.

  “Clay, he was being a friend to me last night when you wouldn’t answer your phone. When you just left me without a word, and didn’t come back.”

  Kane is standing up now, putting on a t-shirt, “Clay, nothing happened. She was upset. She wanted answers, I told her about Megan.”

  “Yeah, I bet you did. You’ve wanted her from day one, Kane. As soon as my back was turned, you were ready to pounce. What all did he tell you, Lizzie?” I can feel the muscle in my jaw jump. My teeth are clenched tight and my focus is on Kane. I’m studying his face for signs of lying or nervousness.

  “I do think you and Lizzie need to talk, Clay.” Ryder pulls on my arm. “You have enough to worry about without messing Kane up.”

  “Lizzie, will you please talk to me alone? I want to explain things to you.” I hold out my hand to her.

  Lizzie stares at my hand like it’s foreign.

  “What the fuck did you tell her, Kane?” I turn to him. He has really pushed his luck.

  “I told her the truth about Megan. That’s all.” He holds up both of his hands. “Clay, I don’t want to get into a fight with you, man. I swear that’s the God’s honest truth.”

  “Lizzie?”

  She sits there not saying a word. Her eyes are on me, but she’s looking through me.

  A sole tear runs down her face, “I know what my limits are, Clay. I know what I'm worth and I know when it's time to walk away. I’m not walking away because I want to leave, but because I know I'm about to be hurt. Leaving is the only choice I have because I won't come between a child and his father.”

  “What are you talking about, Lizzie? You won’t come between my child and me. Please talk to me. We have so much to discuss. You, Lizzie, are worth more than my own life, Baby.” I go to her. I can’t stand not touching her. “You’re not leaving me. I’m not letting you leave me.” I crawl on the bed right beside where she is curled into a ball.

  Ryder signals with his head for Kane to follow him. They leave us alone together and shut the door behind them.

  I lay down, stroking her hair, “I love you, Baby. This isn’t something that is going to tear us apart, I promise. I need you. If there is going to be any leaving going on, it’ll be me leaving you breathless. You got that, Lizzie? You’re not leaving me. We’re in this together, Lizzie. Say you’re in this with me. I want you by my side. I can’t do anything if I don’t have you. You’re the breath I breathe.” I hope I’m getting through to her.

  Lizzie sits up and wipes her face, “This was a mistake, Clay—a wonderful beautiful mistake and if the truth be told, the best mistake I've ever made. This is the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do. I have to give you up. Leaving you is going to kill me, but I know how it is to not have a dad. No matter how much this’ll hurt, it’ll be better for your baby's future.” She stands then bends down and presses her lips to mine.

  “She’s giving the baby up for adoption, but she had told me she had an abortion. I didn’t know, Lizzie, I swear I didn’t know.”

  “It was her ring that I found, wasn’t it?”

  I stand beside her. I want to hold her. I’m scared she will pull away from me, causing me to break even more. “Baby, please understand. I’m going to talk to an attorney in a few hours. I want you there with me. I want to see if I can get custody of my son before she gives him up for adoption.” I reach up to cup her face.

  She closes her eyes, “I don't want to go, Clay, but I have to. You’re about to have a family. There is only room for one woman in your life. Your child deserves to have a mom and a dad in his life. I refuse to stand in the way of him having that.” Lizzie backs away from me.

  “Megan doesn’t want to be his mother. She doesn’t want to be in his life. Please, just stay, Lizzie. I need you in my life.” I’ve begged women more in the last twelve hours than I’d ever guessed I would in my life.

  “Figure out your life, Clay. I can’t stay right now. I’ve been hurt too much, and I have to protect myself. You left me, ignored me, and didn’t bother to call and check on me. You made a promise not to hurt me.”

  She is bawling like a baby.

  “I didn’t mean to hurt you, Baby. That’s the last thing I ever wanted to do. My mind was everywhere last night, I simply lost my head,” I tell her.

  “Clay, people in relationships don’t do crap like that. Their mind might go everywhere and they may lose their head, but they want the person they love by their side during hard times
in life.”

  I put in one last ditch effort. “I’m sorry. If you give me a chance, I’ll spend the rest of my life making this up to you. Let's make this story up as we go along. We can do this, I know we can make this work.”

  Kane comes through the door. “That’s enough, Clay. Leave her alone.” He goes over to my woman and takes her in his arms. She buries her face in his chest. He is comforting my woman. He’s touching her, holding her.

  Ryder touches my shoulder, letting me know he thinks I should leave. She’s mine and they want me to leave her alone with Kane. Agony weighs down my shoulders. I hate that Lizzie’s so upset because of me. I promised I’d never hurt her, but I did that very thing. “I love you, Lizzie. I’ll have this worked out soon. Please wait for me. You’re my everything. No one will ever love you as much as I do. Do you love me, Lizzie?” I stand here like a hopeless fool, waiting for my answer. I notice her body quivering, and I swear she whispers something.

  Kane glares at me, turning Lizzie from my view.

  I return his stare with a look of contempt. If looks could kill, he would be dead. As far as I’m concerned, he is dead to me now. He has purposely turned Lizzie against me. I know it. The sound of Lizzie’s whimpers deafen me.

  I walk out, slamming the door behind me. How do I face all of this alone? This has been one hell of a year. How much can one person take? Times like these are when I wished my dad was alive. He was always there for me. I feel like I don’t have anyone anymore, at the looks of it I don’t even have my woman.

  The one thing I do know is that I’m not going down without a fight. I’m not going to give up on us, on our relationship. Lizzie, my baby sister, and now my son are the important things in my life. You take care of things you hold near and dear to your heart. I’ll tell everyone who’ll listen how much Lizzie means to me. I won’t stop until I have her back.

  nine

  Lizzie

  He still leaves me breathless. All I wanted to do was to go to him, and the things he said got to me. This ache inside me, this emptiness of wanting to be in his arms, I want nothing more than to be by his side through all of this. Why does doing the right thing feel like a homicide is taking place inside of me?

  “Do you love me, Lizzie?” Clay asks.

  “So damn much, I can’t breathe.” I faintly answer. I feel my whole body shutting down. If Kane weren’t physically holding me up, I’d be a heap on the floor.

  “I’ve got you, Sweetheart.” Kane murmurs so only I hear him. He turns me, so I don’t have to watch Clay walk out of my life forever.

  With the slam of the door, I feel it. With that bang, the murky grief, the doubt, that same old worthless feeling snakes around my heart like a vise. Clutching me from the inside, constricting, making me tiny, insignificant. I’m ashamed that I allowed him to break down my fucking walls. Stupid, idiotic, senseless girl, you’ll never learn.

  I pull out of Kane’s hold and plop onto the bed. I want to resume the fetal position, but in my own home, in my own bed, with my own pillow to soak up my tears.

  “I need…” I stutter, inhaling, trying to quit my crying. I want to get back my strong face as soon as possible. Only Bailey gets to see me a blubbering mess. “…my phone. I want to go home, I want to see if Bailey will take me hommmme.” The lump in my throat grows even larger, I wail into my hands.

  Kane searches for my phone while Ryder comes over and sits beside me.

  Ryder puts his large hand on the side of my head, bringing it to his lips and kissing my hair. “I’ll take you home, Sweetheart. I didn’t have any desire to stay around here today either.”

  All I can do is nod and sniffle. I wipe my eyes, but the only thing I manage to do is get mascara in them, making them water even more. I wish these tears would drown me and get me out of my misery.

  Ryder excuses himself for a moment and returns with a cool wet washcloth and a box of tissues. He places the Kleenex on my lap then takes the cloth and wipes my eyes kindly, with care. I never knew guys could be so genuinely sweet and caring. These guys in this band seem to be of a different breed. I can’t see any of them breaking hearts. Clay’s not the one breaking my heart right now. I’m breaking my own.

  Kane brings me a glass of water and sits with me while Ryder goes to pack. “Let me take you for breakfast, Lizzie. Maybe you’ll feel better if you eat a little something.”

  The thought of food right now makes me queasy. How can I even think about eating right now? I shake my head.

  “You need at least some toast. Come on, you’re coming with me.” Kane looks for my shoes, but all I have unpacked is my boots that I had on last night. He eyes them, looks back at me then silently shrugs, bringing them to me.

  I have on my sleep pants, a ratty old t-shirt, and cowboy boots. I can’t find it in me to give a freaking ounce of care. I can sense my eyes are swollen and they still feel like they’ve been scoured with sandpaper.

  I make a quick stop by the restroom before we leave. After using the facilities, I’m washing my hands, and I glance at my reflection in the mirror. My hair is a rat’s nest, and I’m not sure if the darkness under my eyes is left over makeup or from lack of sleep. I can’t find a reason inside me to be concerned about my looks, but I do brush my teeth. I’m not sure why anyone would want to be around me anymore.

  Kane’s waiting for me when I return from the cramped little bathroom. “Let’s get some food in that tummy of yours.” He gives me a sympathetic smile, tilting his head to the side a little.

  “As long as all of this shit stays out of our conversation, I’ll eat.” My throat is scratchy, and my arms are slack at my sides.

  “We can talk about puppies if you want to, Lizzie. As long as you eat a little something, you’ll make me one hundred percent happy.” He says, handing me my phone.

  “Puppies are a safe topic, I always wanted a Yorkshire terrier.” I hope Kane can get my mind on something else.

  Kane reaches for the door. “Why a little yapping ankle biter?”

  Kane talks nonstop all the way down to the hotel restaurant, trying to persuade me into getting a bigger dog. He gives me the benefits of Bulldogs, and all the different types of the breeds.

  The hotel restaurant is more upscale, and we both look like we’ve been rode hard and put up wet. “Are you sure we can even go in there looking like we do?”

  “Yeah, come on. Being in Music City, they're used to customers like us. Performers are notorious for partying into the wee hours of the morning and looking like shit the next day. You’ll see a lot of women with their shades on to cover up the evidence of a long hard night.” Kane laughs.

  “That’s a great idea, Kane.” I pull my cheap sunglasses from my handbag, slipping them on my face. “Now I’m on trend.” I look at my sleep pants tucked into my boots and give a huff. Who cares? “I’ve never been trendy in my life.”

  “You’re perfect, Lizzie, just the way you are, Sweetheart.” Kane stops me before we reach the hostess. “Don’t believe anyone who tells you different.” He lifts my chin and places a soft kiss to my cheek.

  “Kane, can we eat now? I’m actually a little hungry.” He is too sweet to say kind words to make me feel better. I really just want to eat so we can leave and I can get home. Then I can have my breakdown in private. This façade of being strong will only last so long.

  We sit, order our food, and make more small talk. Anything right now to get me through until I can get home. Kane tells me jokes to get me to smile and I really try. I have become so good at faking being okay for so long. Then Clay came along. He wedged his way in my heart and all my well-placed defenses faded away. Now, I’m probably more banged up emotionally than I’ve ever been and I don’t see any way out.

  “What makes a Yorkie a good choice for you, Lizzie?” Kane is determined to keep my mind on something else.

  “They are so loveable. They like to snuggle with their owners, and they are little so it would fit in my apartment better than a large dog.” I take a sip
of my soda. I’m glad to have the caffeine. I suspect I’ve got a headache coming on. I rub two of my fingers against my temples. I should take something before the pounding gets worse. I search through my shoulder bag for pain reliever and come up empty handed.

  “Headache?” Kane questions me.

  “I feel the beginning of one. I thought I would cut it off before the throbbing escalates into something more.” I stare at the white linen tablecloth that has been pressed to perfection.

  “We can stop by the gift shop and pick up some up before Ryder takes you home. Would you rather I take you home? I’ll be glad to take you back myself. Once you get home, I don’t think you need to be alone.” Kane offers.

  “That’s exactly what I need right now, I’m exhausted and I want my bed,” I tell him matter-of-factly.

  “I’m sorry you’re in pain, Lizzie, but I’m not leaving you. You have a true friend in me.” He reaches over and takes my hand in his.

  “Thanks, Kane, but I want one day to myself. I’m allowed one day. After that, if I don’t pull myself out of my funk, you have my permission to ride my ass every day. I’ll be fine riding home with Ryder. He wants to go home anyway.” I remove my hand.

  Kane checks an incoming text on his phone. “Ryder says he’s ready when we finish eating.” He lays his phone face down on the table.

  “I’m all done, but I would like my drink in a to-go cup. I’ll need something to take the medicine with.”

  Kane signals for the waitress to bring him our check. “Can I also get a soda to go for her, please?” He asks while he hands her cash to pay for our meal.

  “Sure, I’ll be right back with a Coke and your change.”

  “You can text or call me anytime you want to talk, I’ll always be here for you. I’m going to stop by to see a friend today, and I’ll be home tonight. I’m going to come by and check on you.”

  Before I can argue with him, the waitress comes back with my soda and Kane’s change.

  “Keep the change,” Kane tells the waitress with a wink.