Love Me ~ Without Regret

by Renee Kennedy

  “Bite your tongue, woman. We don’t have to fight to have amazing sex, we can role play that shit.” Clay tells me, pinching my ass.

  This causes me to jump, exposing my back for the first time tonight.

  “What’s this, Tink?” He pushes me into a sitting position. “I love it! Why didn’t you tell me you got a tat? That’s hot, Babe. What is it supposed to mean?”

  “That my heart is locked and only the person who holds the key can open it,” I’m hoping he’ll get the significance.

  “Did you just get it today? Did I make it hurt worse?” He looks closer. “What’s with the barbed wire? It looks like it has some kind of intricate pattern to it.”

  “It doesn’t hurt, but it’s a little tender. When we were apart, I felt like I had old rusty barbed wire wrapped around my heart, digging in and ripping my flesh. I wanted that in my tattoo, but see the wire’s broken free. Notice how the tiny pieces that are sticking out curl around almost forming letters.” I’m dropping hints, hoping he’ll see for himself.

  “Oh yeah, I do see letters.” He comes closer. “Does that say Clay’s Girl?” He pulls me back so he can see my face and searches my eyes for confirmation.

  “What? It’s supposed to say Nobody’s Girl!” I flip over, kissing him and nipping at his lips. “I’m going to demand a refund!”

  He scoops me up, kissing me softly on the lips. “I love it.” He carries me to the bathroom then reaches behind the shower curtain and turns on the water. “This time won’t be an epic fail. We’re taking a shower.” He kisses my nose, adjusts the water, and we step inside. He soaps my entire body, being extra gentle with my piercing and tattoo. “Let me wash your hair for you, Baby.”

  I tilt my head backward, letting the water flow through my hair and down my back. I feel him working the shampoo in my hair from the roots down to the tips. His fingers feel strong and he massages my scalp. He rinses my hair with warm water, pulling his fingers slowly through my hair.

  “You need conditioner, too. I want to pamper you. This shower doesn’t have to be about anything else.” He picks up the bottle of conditioner and squeezes some into his hand.

  I watch him rub his hands together before he moves them back to my hair then he massages my scalp again with the pads of his fingers, making slow, steady circles.

  I close my eyes, relaxing, enjoying every single caress. He works at my temples and moves down my head to the nape of my neck, running his very capable hands over me, making my knees weak. This has to be one of the most erotic pleasurable things ever done to me, for me.

  I drop to my knees.

  Clay

  I’m on top of the world. I wake with my beautiful curvy woman tangled up with me. I freaking love her, and if I have to fight for us each and every day, that’s what I’ll do. I’ll never throw in the towel. I’ll stand, ready for battle. That’s what she means to me, Lizzie is my everything, the center of my world. Laying here with her, I want to pull her closer. I feel like we are never close enough. I always want a little more of her. Most people would think that’s crazy. Maybe I am crazy. I’m crazy about my woman and that’s the best kind of crazy to be.

  When Lizzie wakes up, we get another shower then get dressed. I need to take her shopping since she came up here on a whim after getting her tattoo. I really need to go by and thank that guy because whatever he said to Lizzie sent her back into my arms.

  “Clay, we didn’t use any protection last night either time we had sex,” Lizzie says while we are on our way to buy her essentials. She is sitting in the passenger’s seat with her legs curled under her and has one of her elbows propped on the console, allowing her to run feathery light touches down my bicep.

  “Yeah, I know. Wearing protection has always been a priority with me, Lizzie, but last night…” I sigh. How do I say that I needed to fuck her so bad, I couldn’t see straight? That makes me sound like some kind of crazed animal. “Last night I was out of control, I couldn’t help myself. You do something that gives me tunnel vision. There has never been another woman that makes me lose my mind, but I love every minute of it.” I glance over for her reaction.

  She is smiling seductively and has a mischievous gleam in her eyes.

  “Are you saying you can’t resist me, Clay?” she leans over and whispers in my ear.

  Fuck no, I can’t resist her.

  “What if I were to do this?” Lizzie licks my neck and reaches down to cup me through my jeans.

  I shrug my shoulders.

  “Oh, that doesn’t bother you? I’m guessing this won’t either.” She raises her shirt and bra, pinches her nipple, rolling it between two fingers. “Oh, oh, oh.” She untucks her legs and leans back in the seat a little. She runs her hand from her neck down her torso.

  I’m finding it extremely hard to concentrate on driving.

  “Oh, I’m so horny, Clay. Oh.” Her hand is between her legs, where I know she only has on her skirt.

  I have my blinker on, trying like hell to merge out of traffic onto an exit ramp. Shit, I can’t get a break. These fuckers have to let me in, dammit.

  Then she stops and gives me a goofy grin, “That does nothing for you? Hmm, here I thought you were hot last night being all out of control.”

  Breathing hard, I glare over at her.

  She laughs and leans over to give me a kiss on the cheek.

  “Here I was being serious, pouring my heart out to you, Lizzie. You… you…” I shake my head. “You don’t play fair, Baby. You’ll be begging me tonight to let you come, Lizzie. Payback is a bitch. Bringing you to the brink of orgasm then watching you squirm and beg will bring me pleasure.”

  “You wouldn’t be able to stop.”

  “Wanna bet?”

  “Bring it.”

  “Oh, it’s on.”

  She laughs. God, I love the sound of happy Lizzie. Being playful with her is one of the best things in my life.

  My phone rings. “Will you get that, Baby?”

  “Sure. It says from John.” She presses the button to answer the call. “Hello?”

  I can only hear her side of the conversation.

  “No, this is Lizzie. She’s in Alabama. Uh, well I’ll be sure to tell Clay and he will be there. Yes, you, too, bye.” Lizzie looks at me with her eyebrows drawn together, “What are you and Bailey up to?”

  “Oh, that is a long story. First, tell me what John said.”

  “The court ordered a paternity test. John got it scheduled for you and Megan to be at the facility at 1:00 pm today. He is having his secretary send the details to your email.”

  “Good, I’ll be glad to have all of that over with. You’ll go with me, right?” I ask her.

  “I’m not sure, since I’m not Bailey, your girlfriend.” She raises her eyebrows.

  I give her a quick run-down of Bailey helping me out while we are in the supercenter picking up Lizzie’s stuff.

  Lizzie holds up an economy box of condoms with an eyebrow raised.

  I shrug.

  She tosses them in the buggy.

  I trust Lizzie not to screw up her birth control on purpose. I’ve always worn a condom in the past, even with Megan. Every single time. But, I know nothing is one hundred percent effective. I love Lizzie and I want us to be together forever. I already have one child on the way at twenty-one years old. I don’t need two. Maybe a few years down the road, but not right now, Lizzie and I are just starting out. We need time to enjoy each other, and that will be hard enough with one little one.

  We meet Megan in the parking lot at the clinic, “Who is she, Clay? I really wanted to talk you alone about all of this.” She waddles over to us.

  “Hello, Megan. I’m Lizzie. It’s nice to meet you.”

  Lizzie puts on her normal big smile and extends her hand to Megan.

  “Clay, can we go somewhere private? I need to discuss something with you, please.” Megan pouts.

  “Anything you need to tell me can be said in front of Lizzie.” I reach for Lizzie’s hand
and pull her closer.

  “No, this can’t be discussed in front of her. It doesn’t concern her, it’s between you and me.” Megan reiterates.

  “Look, Megan, we can do this the easy way and all get along or you can fight us every step of the way. But both ways, Clay and I are doing this together.” Lizzie says.

  Her attitude is starting to come out.

  “Listen, bitch, you might think you’re special, but you’re not.” Megan puts a hand on her hip. “The guys in the band go through skanks like you like toilet paper.”

  “Bitch, you better be glad you’re pregnant or I’d snatch you by the hair on your head and make you watch while I screw your daddy.”

  Lizzie is in Megan’s face now.

  I need for this to end or shit’s gonna get real.

  “Megan, either tell me what you want to say or shut up.” I pull Lizzie back to stand in front of me. I wrap my arms around her waist holding her tightly.

  “Clay, I was wanting for us to keep our baby and be a family. There isn’t any need to go through with all of this. We can make all of this work. I know it. I want to marry you, like you asked me,” Megan says softly.

  I feel the moment Lizzie’s body tenses against me. I must have shit for brains. Why did I think Megan would behave? Isn’t this just my luck?

  “Look, you no good, two cents, mother fucking whore, wanna be singer, you had your chance with Clay. You wanted an abortion then you wanted to give his baby up for adoption. Now suddenly, you want to be a family. I ain’t buying that shit, so back the hell up.” Lizzie shrugs out of my arms, and steps a little closer to Megan, “The moral to this story, bitch,… is for you to keep your snatch closed for business unless you’re open for a new tenant. Clay is mine and I’m not stepping aside for someone like you to ruin not only his, but his little boy’s life. They’re mine. I’m sorry if you suddenly have a feeling of remorse and you’re annoyed someone else loves Clay now, but I’m sure in time you will be able to find someone to take your sorry ass.”

  Megan looks like she is hot and ready to brawl. My Tink, I love her, but even I wouldn’t want her fury turned on me. Megan may deserve it, but I need to put an end to this verbal match before it turns into a knock down drag out catfight. I reach for Lizzie’s hand. “Come on, Babe. Let’s get my part over with.”

  Lizzie and Megan stare at each other for a second longer.

  “We’ll discuss this later, Clay, when you don’t have your little bitch with you.”

  Megan says this as she is walking behind us.

  Lizzie tries to loosen the grip I have on her. I tell her under my breath, “Be the bigger person, Babe. She is baiting you.”

  “You don’t know how hard that is for me!” Lizzie whispers back.

  I call Oakley as soon as we get back to the car after we finish up at the clinic. She had blown up my phone with texts as soon as I stepped through the door of the lab. “We just finished at the clinic. What’s up, Oakley?”

  “Clay! I got elected! Can you believe it? With me being new? I can’t believe it! I’m going to need several dresses and shoes. I’m going to need you to work on a song with me. I’ll need to get my hair done, nails, and makeup. Clay! Why aren’t you talking? Aren’t you excited for me? I mean this is a big deal and they give out scholarship money. Say something, Clay.”

  “I’ll talk as soon as I can get a word in edgewise. Now, please, slow down. What did you get elected for? I don’t think that was the whole spiel, but I could be wrong.” I tell her laughing. I love hearing the excitement back in her voice.

  “Put her on speaker. I want to hear,” Lizzie says.

  “Whoa, Lizzie’s there? Did you get everything all worked out? I hope so. She was horribly sad, Clay. I thought she was getting depressed like Momma did. Go ahead and put me on speaker.”

  Oakley’s so hyper today she’s asking questions and not even waiting for answers. I put her on speakerphone so Lizzie can talk to her, too.

  “Oak, did you get elected to the Summer Festival Pageant?” Lizzie asks. “This’s such an honor, Clay! You’ve no idea what a big deal this is for her!”

  She’s just as excited as Oak. She is bouncing in her seat.

  “Yes, can you believe it, Lizzie?” Oakley squeals.

  “Yes, I can believe it! Oh, Mi Gawd! Oak, we have so much to do to get you ready. I’ll come home earlier on Sunday so we can start plotting your takeover!” Lizzie giggles.

  “Lizzie isn’t coming home early. If you need help, call Bailey or Margie. What is this festival thing about?” Oakley has never been into pageants.

  Lizzie pats my arm, “There're only a select few people who get the opportunity to compete and whoever wins gets a small scholarship. It’s not based on your looks. It’s based more on your character. They judge on a point system. The contestants are awarded points on things like being punctual and their poise. She’ll learn skills that will really help her in the future.”

  Lizzie seems impressed by this competition thing.

  “The best thing about it, money and popularity doesn’t play a role in the outcome,” Lizzie adds.

  “There’s a talent portion this year and I want to do an acoustic song. Lizzie, I’ll need help picking out dresses.” Oakley continues, “I need to raise two hundred dollars in sponsorship money. I have volunteer hours to put in and they give interviewing and poise classes.”

  “Oakley, I’m glad you’re excited and happy,” I say. “It’s been way too long, baby girl, since you’ve sounded this way. Things seem to be finally looking up for us. Lizzie can start to help you on Monday, okay?”

  “That’s fine. Since Lizzie won’t be here, can my friend Quinn stay the weekend with me?” Oakley asks.

  “Sure, as long as Quinn’s parents know you’re home alone and doesn’t have a problem with that,” I say. “See, things are looking up. You have Raelynn and now Quinn. You’re making friends and got nominated for something because of your good heart. We’ll let you go, baby girl. You and Quinn stay out of trouble. No boys over at the house and that’s an order.”

  “Whatever, Clay. You know I’m not like that. It’ll just be Quinn and me, I promise. I love you. Oh, when do you get your test results back?”

  “They told him nine business days. So, he won’t know anything until a week after next.” Lizzie tells her.

  “Bye, Baby Girl,” I tell Oakley.

  “Bye, Big Brother.”

  She gives me that same old ending to every phone call.

  “Bye, Oak,” Lizzie says.

  “Bye, Lizzie.” Oakley hangs up.

  “I’m so excited for her! This is going to be so much fun,” Lizzie says.

  “I can think of things that’ll be even more fun than that. Do you want me to show you?”

  “Is that all you ever think about?”

  “You say that like it’s a bad thing, woman!” I glance over at her with a smile.

  “It’s not a bad thing. I happen to think it’s an amazing thing.”

  fourteen

  Lizzie

  Clay spent the afternoon showing me he doesn’t think only about sex, which is hilarious since I was just kidding around with him. We decide to catch an early show at the Bluebird. Clay wants to take me dancing. He tells me he loves to dance with me, but watching me dance when he’s on stage drives him crazy for wanting me. He says he wants to be down on the floor with me. I don’t dance with anyone else or even dance seductively like I used to do, but I’m glad he wants to take me.

  After I finish getting dressed, I place candles all around the room. I bought them earlier, along with one of those long lighters so my fingers wouldn’t get burned. Clay didn’t know shopping would be such an event, but look at who is my best friend. I was forced into it for so many years that now it feels like second nature. What flabbergasts me is when did I turn into someone who would even think about buying candles to set out like this in the first place?

  The last few months, I’ve become almost as starry-eyed as
Bailey. Heaven help me. I hope I don’t get to the stage where I daydream about all of the picturesque ways Clay could ride up on Buttercup to whisk me away. In my mind, he’d simply be wearing jeans and a cowboy hat. I’d have on a billowy dress and my hair would be blowing in the wind. I’d be out in a field of wildflowers, looking out over the horizon, shielding my eyes from the declining sun. Clay would reach down with one arm to scoop me up and we’d ride off into the sunset to live happily ever after. I’ll just shoot myself if I ever start dreaming up other ways.

  “You ready to go, Babe?” Clay comes out of the bathroom smelling like I could eat him with a spoon.

  “Yeah. Hey, have you ever thought about wearing a cowboy hat?”

  “I’ve tried them on before, but I never found any that looked right. Why?” He smirks, coming up and pulling me to him hard.

  “I think you would look freaking phenomenal with one on. You would be sexy as hell and just thinking about you wearing one makes me wet.”

  “We’ll go looking for one tomorrow, Babe, if it causes you to spontaneously drip honey,” he says in between kisses.

  “I think we need to leave before you get a craving for honey,” I say.

  “Why do you always have to be right?”

  “That’s just how I roll.”

  We get back from dancing and I’m ready to have sexy time with my man. I send Clay for ice, promising him he can use it anyway he wants. When Clay comes back from getting ice, I’ve set up close to what I had in mind for our romantic bath together. I’ve lit all of the candles to cast a soft glow in the room. I have on the new red lacy bra and panty set that I picked out earlier. I downloaded songs from a playlist I found online that is supposed to set the mood, and I have it playing in the background. A lot of the songs are older than me, but after I listened to them they did sound sexy. There isn’t a doubt in my mind that my musically inclined man will know every one of them.

  “Babe,” Clay says raspy. “You take my breath away every day with your beauty, but right now, Babe…” Clay’s hungry eyes darken as they drink me up.