Bumageddon: The Final Pongflict

by Andy Griffiths

  An ear-splitting bellow followed by a series of loud pounding noises disturbed the romantic atmosphere.

  ‘Uh-oh,’ said Ned. ‘Looks like Romeo’s got some competition.’

  Zack stared at the awesome creature stomping heavily along the canyon edge towards them.

  It was the biggest, chunkiest, most muscle-bound bum Zack had ever seen. And definitely the ugliest. It was covered in thick black bristly hair, except for a bare leathery patch of skin on each cheek. The hairy beast was beating on these patches with its huge fists and bellowing ferociously.

  ‘Oh no,’ said the Great White Bum, pulling away from Robobum. ‘Not this bozo. Not now!’

  CHAPTER 59

  STINK KONG

  ‘Who is it?’ said Robobum, who had no matching files to help her recognise this terrifying bumosaur.

  ‘Stink Kong!’ said the Great White Bum. ‘My old enemy. Look how the bumnut trees wither and die as he approaches. He should be ashamed of himself! What a disgusting pig!’

  ‘That’s rich, coming from him,’ whispered Eleanor. ‘But then I guess it takes one to know one.’

  ‘I’m sorry, my love,’ said the Great White Bum apologetically to Robobum. ‘I’m going to have to take care of this ugly ape once and for all. Things could get a little rough. You might like to stand aside and cover your eye.’

  ‘Whatever you say,’ said Robobum. ‘Good luck!’

  Robobum reversed as far as she could and drew her hand up across the bumcam concealed on her roof.

  ‘No!’ said Ned. ‘Don’t do that! We want to watch!’

  Robobum obediently parted her fingers.

  The fight was already in full swing.

  Stink Kong was pounding the Great White Bum like a punching bag. The Great White Bum grabbed Stink Kong in a death-hug and threw him to the ground.

  Zack could feel the ground shake, even through Robobum. ‘Why doesn’t he just gas Stink Kong and get it over with?’ said Zack.

  ‘That only works on animals and humans,’ said Zack’s bum. ‘We don’t have noses, remember?’

  ‘But what about Stenchgantor?’ said Zack. ‘It had a nose. I defeated it with a pair of dirty socks!’

  ‘All right, all right, enough already about how you defeated Stenchgantor with your dirty socks,’ said Eleanor. ‘It was a great achievement, but do you have to go on about it?’

  ‘You’re just jealous,’ said Zack.

  ‘Yeah, right,’ said Eleanor. ‘Jealous of your total lack of personal hygiene. I guess I can only dream of having feet—or a bum—as smelly as yours.’

  ‘Hey!’ said Zack’s bum. ‘That’s out of line.’

  ‘Yeah?’ said Eleanor. ‘What are you going to do about it?’

  Zack’s bum bent over and was about to zap Eleanor when there was a huge earth-shattering crash.

  Zack looked up to see the Great White Bum lying on his back and Stink Kong jumping up and down on him as if he were on a trampoline.

  ‘That Stink Kong sure has some form,’ said Ned. ‘But I don’t think that using the Great White Bum as a trampoline is such a good idea.’

  Suddenly Stink Kong was blown high into the air by a giant brown geyser emitted from the centre of the Great White Bum.

  ‘That’s why I didn’t think it was a good idea,’ said Ned.

  Zack heard a hissing sound behind him.

  He turned and saw the Mutant Spew Lord totally engrossed in the fight, punching the air with his remaining arm and hissing ‘Yesss!’

  Then, without warning, Robobum began to rise into the air.

  ‘Robobum?’ said Ned. ‘What are you doing? I didn’t tell you to lift off!’

  ‘Negative,’ said Robobum. ‘Robobum is not lifting off. Robobum is being carried away by a large bumodactyl.’

  ‘Oh, great!’ said Ned. ‘Bumodactyls. That’s all we need!’

  CHAPTER 60

  BUMODACTYL

  Within moments Stink Kong and the Great White Bum were just tiny figures sparring on the far side of the canyon a long, long way beneath them.

  ‘Activate thrusters, Robobum!’ said Ned.

  ‘Negative,’ said Robobum. ‘Thrusters are not responding.’

  ‘Turbo-assisted jet repulsion unit!’ yelled Ned.

  ‘Negative,’ said Robobum. ‘Turbo-assisted jet repulsion unit damaged by the bumantula.’

  ‘Have you got anything?’ said Ned through gritted teeth. ‘Anything at all?’

  ‘Of course,’ said Robobum. ‘I have onboard tea-and coffee-making facilities. Would you like milk with that, madam? Sugar? One lump or two thousand? Yes, it is a very nice day. I am Robobum. Ro-bo-bum. RO. BO. BUM. WITH. MILK.’

  ‘What’s going on, Ned?’ said Zack. ‘What’s wrong with Robobum?’

  ‘Poor old girl, she’s been knocked around a bit too much,’ said Ned. ‘Sounds like her higher speech and thinking functions have been scrambled, and her thrusters and turbo are out of action.’

  ‘Is there anything we can do?’ said Eleanor, staring at the bumcam image of the bumodactyl’s leathery cheek-wings as they pushed down on either side of the screen.

  ‘I don’t think so,’ said Ned, studying his What Bumosaur is That? book. ‘Bumodactyls are powerful. Says here an adult bumodactyl can have a wingspan of up to 50 metres. Its wings are made of a membrane that stretches from its finger to its back legs. And they’re methane assisted!’

  ‘A brilliant design!’ hissed the Mutant Spew Lord.

  ‘When we want the opinion of a mutant we’ll ask for it,’ said Eleanor coldly.

  ‘Some of them are toothless,’ said Ned, still reading from his book, ‘while others have hundreds of bristle-like teeth lining their long, razor-sharp beaks . . .’

  ‘Ned,’ said Eleanor. ‘Thanks for the lecture. It’s truly fascinating. But what I want to know is can we fire something at it?’

  ‘I’m afraid not,’ said Ned. ‘The bumodactyl is directly above us. There is no artillery in the roof.’

  ‘It doesn’t matter,’ said the Mutant Spew Lord. ‘I wouldn’t give up on the Great White Bum yet. He won’t abandon Robobum that easily. He’ll save us.’

  ‘You sound like you’re on his side,’ said Eleanor suspiciously.

  The Mutant Spew Lord laughed. ‘Once upon a time,’ he said. ‘But no more. Anybody can make a mistake.’

  Eleanor stared at the sad heap of flesh and sticks and leaves in front of her.

  ‘Body?’ she said. ‘You call that a body?’

  Zack groaned. ‘Uh-oh,’ he said. ‘That doesn’t look good.’

  ‘You’re telling me,’ said Eleanor.

  ‘No,’ said Zack. ‘Look at the screen.’

  Eleanor looked at the screen. They were flying towards an enormous bumcano. The bumcano was ringed by an impressive collar of sheer black stone rising many thousands of metres straight up. It made the Great White Bum’s bumcano look like an anthill.

  As they drew closer, the bum-fighters could see bumodactyl nests wedged in amongst the ledges of the rock-face.

  And, even more worryingly, they could see the heads of hungry bumodactyl chicks eagerly poking out of the nests, opening and closing their razor-edged cheeks.

  ‘I never thought I’d hear myself saying this,’ said Zack, ‘but I hope the Great White Bum gets here soon.’

  CHAPTER 61

  NEST

  The bumodactyl flew up the face of the bumcano. It flew until it had reached almost the highest point, where the rock met the smoking mouth of the vent. There, in a nest so large that it looked like it was constructed out of tree trunks, were more bumodactyl chicks.

  Three of them—each a rusty red colour. And each with a razor-sharp beak.

  They were so excited by the arrival of their meal that they were practically leaping out of the nest.

  ‘So, what’s our plan?’ said Zack.

  Ned laughed without humour. ‘Plan? That assumes that we knew this was going to happen. I’m not too worried about the chicks. I doub
t they’ll be able to do much damage to Robobum’s exterior . . .’

  ‘Famous last words,’ said Eleanor. ‘That’s what you said about the bumantula, and look what happened.’

  ‘Fair go, Eleanor,’ said Ned. ‘I’m doing my best. This isn’t easy for anybody, you know. We’re all in uncharted territory here.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ said Eleanor, biting her fingernail. ‘I guess the thought of becoming a bumodactyl snack has got me a little tense.’

  ‘I don’t think you’re going to have to worry about that,’ said Zack’s bum as the bumodactyl placed Robobum down on a ledge a short distance above the nest. ‘At least not for a little while.’

  ‘So, we’re not going to be eaten?’ said Zack.

  ‘Not yet,’ said Ned. ‘Looks like they’re starting with an entree.’

  Eleanor peered at the image of the nest on bumcam . . . and screamed. The bumodactyl that had brought them there was dangling a small pink bum above her babies’ beaks.

  ‘Aaaggghh!’ screamed the helpless bum.

  ‘That’s my bum!’ yelled Eleanor, leaping to her feet. ‘I’ve got to save it!’

  ‘Don’t be a fool!’ said Zack.

  ‘Look who’s talking,’ said Eleanor. ‘You’d save your bum if it was down there, wouldn’t you?’

  Zack looked at the wildly snapping beaks of the bumodactyls and hesitated.

  ‘Well?’ said his bum. ‘Wouldn’t you?’

  Zack looked at his bum. And then back at the bumodactyls. And then back at his bum. ‘I suppose so,’ said Zack, uncertainly. ‘But those things will eat you alive!’

  ‘Better that than knowing I didn’t try to save my bum when I had the chance,’ said Eleanor, already standing in the teleport beam.

  Zack sighed. ‘Hang on,’ he said. ‘I’ll come with you.’

  ‘Be careful, Zack,’ said his bum.

  ‘Of course,’ said Zack. ‘ “Careful” is my middle name.’

  ‘No, it’s not,’ said his bum. ‘It’s Henry.’

  ‘Shush,’ said Zack. ‘I thought I told you never to say that ever again.’

  ‘Sorry, Zack,’ said his bum. ‘Your secret’s safe with me.’

  ‘And me,’ said Eleanor.

  ‘And me,’ smirked Ned.

  ‘And me,’ said the Mutant Spew Lord, making a sound somewhere between laughter and throwing up. But whatever sound it was, Zack Henry Freeman didn’t like it.

  CHAPTER 62

  SNATCH!

  Zack and Eleanor teleported onto the ledge of the bumcano.

  The bumodactyl nest was about 10 metres below them.

  Eleanor pulled a roll of triple-strength toilet paper from her bum-fighter utility belt.

  She wrapped a length around her waist and knotted it tightly. She then handed the roll to Zack. ‘Let it out slowly,’ she yelled against the roar of the wind, ‘and get a good grip on the rock-face. You may have to take my whole weight.’

  ‘Okay!’ yelled Zack. ‘Be careful.’

  ‘No time for that,’ called Eleanor as she launched herself backwards over the ledge and abseiled down a narrow crevice. The bumodactyl was perched on the edge of the nest with its back to her. It had Eleanor’s bum in its beak, but seemed unable to decide which of the screaming chicks to give the prize to.

  Zack bit his lip.

  It was scary up on the ledge.

  In the sky above him he could see the menacing glow of the approaching arseteroid. It was noticeably bigger now and getting larger by the second.

  And down below—way down below—he could see a prehistoric stink bog.

  The sight made him shiver.

  Stink bogs were a one-way trip to fossil museums of the future. That’s if there was a future for fossil museums to exist in, thought Zack grimly.

  Once a bumosaur—or a person for that matter—got stuck in a stink bog, that was it. The rotting matter was so thick and sticky that nothing could escape it. With great difficulty, Zack tore his gaze—and his thoughts—away from the stink bog and looked down to check on Eleanor’s progress.

  She was almost three-quarters of the way down the crevice to the nest. But then the bumodactyl looked back and noticed her.

  Out of sheer surprise it opened its beak and dropped Eleanor’s bum, which fell into the beak of the closest chick. The mother squawked a loud warning rasp at Eleanor.

  ‘That’s exactly how I feel about you, too,’ said Eleanor as she leapt from the wall and swung—Tarzan style—over the top of the nest. Reaching down as she swept past, she plucked her bum out of the bumodactyl chick’s beak. Then she swung upwards into the sky.

  ‘Eleanor?’ said her bum, who was dazed and almost blue from the cold.

  ‘Don’t worry,’ said Eleanor, hugging her bum to her chest. ‘I’ve got you. And I’m not letting go . . . whether you like it or not!’

  ‘I like it . . .’ said her bum, as Eleanor reached the furthermost point of her swing.

  But their ordeal was not over yet.

  They now had to swing back through a gauntlet of enraged bumodactyl chicks and their super-enraged bumodactyl mother.

  Eleanor took a deep breath, gripped the toilet paper extra hard and let out a banshee scream that her father had taught her.

  The bumodactyls were too stunned to snap at her as she swooped past.

  ‘Great going, Eleanor,’ said her bum.

  ‘Thanks,’ said Eleanor as she gripped the rock-face and, helped by her bum, began climbing back up to the ledge.

  CHAPTER 63

  PANIC

  Zack hauled in the toilet paper as fast as he could.

  He was looking out straight ahead of him—trying not to look down—when he saw a familiar shape flying through the air towards them.

  The Great White Bum!

  ‘Hurry, Eleanor!’ yelled Zack.

  ‘What do you think I’m doing?’ she said. ‘I’m going as fast as I can.’

  ‘Look behind you,’ said Zack.

  Eleanor glanced over her shoulder. She knew as well as Zack that it would be disastrous for the Great White Bum to catch them out here. If he realised that Robobum was a machine, their whole plan would come unravelled in an instant.

  Zack was really sweating now.

  The Great White Bum was getting closer.

  And to make things worse, the mother bumodactyl was heading their way to retrieve the bum that had been stolen from her.

  The fossil museum of the future was looking more and more like a real possibility with every passing second.

  Zack imagined his bones being excavated from the stink bog.

  The bones would be labelled and put into a glass case.

  Maybe they’d even be assembled and motorised and hooked up to a button on the outside of the case for snotty schoolkids to push and laugh at as his bones jiggled around.

  The bumodactyl was swooping and snapping at the toilet paper. One of the perforations began to tear apart.

  ‘Faster!’ yelled Zack, grimacing as he strained to pull Eleanor up the mountain. ‘The Great White Bum is almost here!’

  Suddenly Eleanor’s bum appeared . . . and then Eleanor’s head.

  She reached up and Zack pulled them both onto the ledge beside him, almost crying with relief.

  ‘Come on,’ he said, ‘let’s get back into Robobum while we still have time.’

  They clambered up and into Robobum’s teleportation beam.

  The bumodactyl swooped in for a final desperate attempt to retrieve Eleanor’s bum. This time Eleanor’s bum joined Eleanor in a banshee scream that scared the bumodactyl rigid and sent the unfortunate creature plummeting over the ledge and down towards the stink bog below.

  But despite whatever humiliating fate was in store for it in the future, it received no sympathy from the bum-fighters, who were already teleporting back to the relative safety of Robobum.

  Or so they thought.

  CHAPTER 64

  SKULLDUGGERY

  As Zack rematerialised inside Robobum,
he could tell something was wrong. Exactly what, however, he couldn’t quite put his finger on.

  Was it the fact that Ned was lying face down in a pool of blood?

  Or was it the fact that the Mutant Spew Lord was sitting in a chair with a bum-gun pointed at them?

  Zack thought quickly—well, as quickly as you can in the midst of a state of total confusion—and came to the conclusion that it was both of these things put together.

  Something was most definitely—and most horribly— wrong. As wrong as something most definitely and most horribly wrong could possibly be.

  ‘Welcome back,’ said the Mutant Spew Lord. ‘But I’m afraid there’s been a little accident.’

  ‘What have you done, you putrid piece of slime?’ said Eleanor, staring in shock at Ned’s body.

  ‘Well,’ said the Mutant Spew Lord, ‘there was a slight difference of opinion between myself and Ned while you were out and . . .’

  ‘You shot Ned!’ said Eleanor.

  ‘ “Shot” is a very strong word,’ said the Mutant Spew Lord.

  ‘But it’s the right word,’ said Eleanor.

  ‘I had no choice,’ said the Mutant Spew Lord. ‘He was threatening the success of the mission!’

  ‘Ned was the mission!’ yelled Zack, blinking back tears. ‘He built Robobum. He rescued us. If it wasn’t for him none of us would even be here!’

  ‘No,’ said the Mutant Spew Lord. ‘And if he’d had his way none of you would be here now. He wanted to just fly away and leave you.’

  ‘Ned would never do a thing like that,’ said Eleanor. ‘You haven’t changed at all. You’re still a liar. And a lousy one. And besides, if you’re so interested in our welfare, why are you pointing a gun at us?’

  The Mutant Spew Lord shifted uncomfortably. ‘Because I rather suspected that you wouldn’t believe my side of the story and that you might try to do something silly.’

  ‘Why don’t we ask Robobum?’ said Eleanor.

  ‘I’m afraid that won’t be possible,’ said the Mutant Spew Lord. ‘She is having a little sleep.’

  ‘We’re under manual control?’ said Zack.