Bumageddon: The Final Pongflict

by Andy Griffiths

  Zack heard Eleanor’s mother laugh. ‘What an imagination you have!’ she said.

  ‘We didn’t imagine it!’ said Eleanor. ‘It really happened!’

  Eleanor’s mother, a kind woman with soft eyes, put her arm around Eleanor’s shoulder and walked her to the door. ‘You’re not boring Zack with another one of your “true” stories, are you?’ she said to her husband. ‘It’s easy to see where you get it from, Eleanor, with a father like that!’

  ‘But, Mum!’ said Eleanor. ‘It’s not a story! I’m telling the truth!’

  Zack’s mother looked at Zack. ‘Eleanor’s been telling us that you’ve had a very big adventure this afternoon,’ she said, smiling.

  ‘Tell them it’s true, Zack,’ pleaded Eleanor. ‘They think I’m making it up!’

  ‘Don’t believe a word of it,’ said Zack firmly, frowning at Eleanor. ‘It was just a game.’

  Eleanor glared back at him.

  ‘I’m glad I can count on at least one of you to tell the truth!’ said Eleanor’s mother, shaking her head. ‘Now go and get washed up for dinner.’

  CHAPTER 88

  BEGINNINGS

  In the bathroom Zack and Eleanor washed their hands.

  ‘We can’t tell anybody about what happened and what we’ve been through,’ said Zack, towelling his hands dry. ‘They’ll never understand. They can’t understand.’

  ‘I know,’ said Eleanor. ‘Sorry, I forgot. Seeing Mum again after all these years . . . I didn’t know what I was saying. I still can’t really believe it.’

  ‘Yeah,’ said Zack, nodding. ‘It’s weird. It doesn’t seem real. And yet it is. We did it, Eleanor. We saved the world! ’

  Eleanor turned the tap off. ‘Do you think so?’ she said. ‘Really? You don’t think there’s even a slight chance that the Great White Bum survived? Remember what the Mutant Spew Lord said? The Great White Bum is a freak. How do we know that he didn’t survive the blast . . . that he’s not out there somewhere . . . plotting . . . planning . . . preparing another Bumageddon?’

  Zack put his hands on Eleanor’s shoulders. ‘Because we’re here now,’ said Zack. ‘That’s how. You said it yourself!’

  Eleanor nodded slowly. ‘Yes,’ she said. ‘But . . . ’

  ‘No buts,’ said Zack. ‘Although it only feels like an hour ago to us, the arseteroid blast happened 65 million years ago. If the Great White Bum had survived, he would have tried something by now, don’t you think? But there’s no evidence of it. We’re living in a world where there are no such things as bum-fighting or bum-fighters. Except for us, of course. We’ll always be bum-fighters. And it is up to us to guard the Earth against the remote possibility of bum attacks in the future. We’ve both taken the bum-fighter’s oath, after all. But we’re the only ones who can ever possibly know what really happened and what we achieved.’

  ‘Only us,’ said Eleanor, ‘and our bums.’

  ‘No,’ said Zack. ‘Not even our bums, remember? They’re not independent operators anymore.’

  As Zack said this, he patted his bum—and froze.

  ‘What’s the matter?’ said Eleanor.

  ‘It’s gone!’ said Zack. ‘My bum’s gone!’

  Eleanor patted the back of her pants and gasped. ‘So has mine!’ she said. ‘Oh no! Not again! It’s not over, is it?’

  The two ex-bum-fighters stared at each other for a long, horrifying moment.

  Then Zack grinned.

  ‘Why are you smiling, Zack?’ said Eleanor. ‘This isn’t funny!’

  ‘Look!’ said Zack, pointing over Eleanor’s shoulder.

  Eleanor turned. Then she grinned too.

  Their two bums were standing on the window ledge, hand in hand, gazing at the sunset.

  Eleanor and Zack stood and watched their bums watching the sunset.

  It was a beautiful scene.

  Well, beautiful until Zack’s bum did a long, loud fart.

  Eleanor’s bum reddened, turned to Zack’s bum and then, to both Zack and Eleanor’s surprise, replied in kind.

  The two bums nudged closer to each other as their gases mingled and combined into a perfect love heart above them.

  Zack, his eyes watering, looked at Eleanor and smiled. ‘No,’ he said. ‘I don’t think it’s over yet. Not by a long shot. In fact, I think it’s only just begun.’

  GLOSSARY

  Accident

  Another word for fate.

  Anti-giant-brown-blob spray

  Provides personal protection against giant-brown-blobbification.

  Arseteroid

  Irregularly shaped bum that orbits the Sun. They range in size from a 1000-km diameter down to dust particles. Occasionally they slam into the Earth. Avoid. See giant arseteroid.

  Atomic bum-blasting bullets

  Bum-gun bullets with atomic bum-blasting power.

  Atomic power punch

  A powerful punch delivered to a bum, or bums. May be delivered with one fist or two. See double-handed atomic power punch.

  AWOL

  Arse without leave.

  B-force

  Unit of force based on the amount of energy it takes one bum to kick another bum one metre.

  Blind Bum-feeler, The

  A person with the power to ‘read’ bums and reveal amazing—but frequently mystifying—information about the past, present and future.

  Blob-boy

  Insulting term used to describe young bum-fighters who have been found fossilised inside fossilised giant brown blobs.

  Book of Bumageddon, The

  Ancient text that contains a prophecy of Bumageddon: ‘And enormous bums will conquer the world and complete and utter devarsetation will follow. Giant brown blobs will rain down upon the earth for forty days and forty nights. An evil stench will cover the land. And the reign of the Great White Bums will begin. Bums will rule the world again as they did in their glorious prehistoric past.’

  BPS

  Short for bum positioning system. A means of determining geographical location by means of one’s bum.

  Brown Forest, The

  Formerly known as the Black Forest, this once healthy and thriving forest is now dead and brown and full of stinkbogs due to the presence of the Great Unwiped Bum, Stenchgantor. Avoid.

  Brown holes

  Very similar to black holes except brown. They are formed when vast interstellar bums run out of gas and collapse under the power of their own repulsive stench, which reverses itself and endows the newly formed brown holes with the power to suck anything and everything into themselves. Nobody knows what happens to matter sucked into a brown hole, but there is a strong possibility that the forces inside a brown hole are strong enough to form wormholes in the fabric of the univarse—wormholes powerful enough to allow vast interstellar distances to be travelled in the blink of an eye or even, perhaps, to permit time travel.

  Brown Lake, The

  Waste usually found at the bottom chamber of a bumcano. Avoid.

  B-team, The

  A crack bum-fighting unit made up of the Kicker, the Kisser and the Smacker.

  Bum

  The two fleshy mounds above the legs and below the hollow of the back. Detachable, with a will of their own. May emit gas. See fart.

  Bumageddon

  Destruction of the world by bums. Avoid. See Book of Bumageddon, The.

  Bumageddonised

  To be destroyed by Bumageddon.

  Bumantula

  A large prehistoric bum with hairy cheeks, big sharp fangs and eight legs. Likes to build webs across ravines and catch bumodactyls and unwary bum-fighters. Avoid.

  Bum attack

  Physical assault, either by ground, sea or air by one—or more—bums. Avoid.

  Bumbliteration

  Result of particularly devastating bum attack. Avoid.

  Bumcam

  Tiny camera fitted on a bum. Can provide 180 degrees of vision. May be linked to other bumcams around the Earth via satellite to provide a comprehensive bum’s-eye vie
w of the world.

  Bumcano

  An extinct volcano colonised by bums and filled with lethal amounts of methane. Avoid.

  Bum creeper

  Rampant creeping plant notable for noxious-smelling flowers. Avoid.

  Bum-fighter

  Any individual engaged in bum-resistance, in either a paid or voluntary capacity.

  Bum-fighters’ Army pocket knife

  A pocket knife with many additional items that fold into its handle, e.g. bum-screw, bum-file and bum-opener.

  Bum-fighter’s certificate

  The minimum qualification required to become a professional bum-fighter. Involves a basic grounding in all aspects of attack, defence and hygiene.

  Bum-fighting recruits

  Promising young members of the Junior Bum-fighters’ League who have been selected for a place at Silas Sterne’s Bum-fighting Academy.

  Bum-fighting simulator

  Virtual-reality machine invented by Silas Sterne to simulate a wide range of bum-fighting environments and challenges, used for training rookie bum-fighters. The simulator is so powerful that the users forget they are in a simulated environment and actually believe that they are fighting bums.

  Bum-gun

  All purpose, anti-bum weapon. Fires a wide variety of ammunition, including drawing pins, staples and rusty nails.

  Bumhalla

  A glorious place in the sky where great bum-fighters and bum hunters go after they die.

  Bum hunter

  A bum-warrior who has given up regular bum-fighting in order to concentrate his or her energies on hunting big game bums. This occupation is so fraught with danger that only a few of the bravest, most talented and smartest bum hunters survive.

  Bum-mobile

  Multi-purpose all-terrain bum-fighting vehicle. May have time travel capability.

  Bumnuts

  The fruit of bumnut trees. These are similar to coconuts except the shells are soft and consist of two main chambers rather than one. Bumnuts are edible, but taste like burnt toast.

  Bumnut trees

  Very similar to coconut trees, with a tuft of branches sticking out of a long slender trunk. Bumnuts, which look like bums, grow in small bunches on the branches.

  Bumodactyl

  Extinct flying bum of the Jurarssic and Cretaceous periods. Has membranous, leathery cheek-wings and a rudimentary but razor-sharp beak. Avoid.

  Bumolution

  Theory that bums were the first forms of life on Earth and that all subsequent life forms developed from them. See Sir Roger Francis Rectum.

  Bumosaur

  Extinct bums that ruled the Earth for hundreds of millions of years until the impact of a giant arseteroid rendered the Earth unsuitable for the continuation of the species. See bumantula, bumodactyl, Great White Bumosaur, poopasaur, Stink Kong, tricerabutt, tyrannosore-arse.

  Bumquake

  Just like an earthquake, only wobblier. And smellier. Avoid.

  Bum-to-bum resuscitation

  A method that bums use to revive each other.

  Captain Sterne’s Fishing Supplies

  A comprehensive one-stop fishing supplies shop in Marbleton. Fresh bait every day.

  Catastrophic time travel error

  Going back into the past and altering something that changes things in such a way that it decreases or eliminates the chance of you being born in the future. Or destroys the world. Avoid.

  Crack of Doom, The

  Formed by a dramatic fissure in the earth. Breeding ground of the Great White Bumosaurs.

  Crapalanche

  Just like an avalanche except crappier. And browner. And smellier. Avoid.

  Destiny

  Another word for fate.

  Dirty doublecrossing stinkant-bum-kissing loser with no friends

  A very nasty thing to say to somebody . . . even if they are a dirty doublecrossing stinkant-bum-kissing loser with no friends.

  Double-handed atomic power punch

  A powerful two-fisted punch delivered to a bum, or bums. See atomic power punch.

  Double-handed cheek-lock

  Particularly brutal and effective bum-wrestling hold.

  Eleanor Sterne

  Ferocious bum-fighter, dedicated to destroying the Great White Bum after it killed her mother in a surprise attack on a family picnic when Eleanor was only five. Daughter of legendary bum hunter, Silas Sterne.

  E-mission

  Task or project undertaken by a bum-fighter. Not to be confused with ‘emission’, which is something else entirely (see fart).

  Ex-Mutant Spew Lord

  Mutant Spew Lord that has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner and converted to a thin, watery puddle of blood and rotting flesh in the process.

  False bum

  Silicon-based imitation bum. May be self-wiping.

  Fart

  A small explosion between the legs. The exact size, duration and intensity of the explosion, however, will vary depending on various factors including age, weight and diet of the individual. Highly flammable. Avoid.

  Fate

  Another word for accident.

  Final Pongflict, The

  The ultimate showdown between bums and humans in the battle for world bumination. See Bumageddon, pongflict.

  Flicker, The

  Legendary bum-fighter highly skilled in the art of towel-to-bum combat. Member of the world’s first bum-fighting team, Mabel’s Angels.

  Forker, The

  Legendary bum-fighter highly skilled in the art of fork-to-bum combat. Member of the world’s first bum-fighting team, Mabel’s Angels.

  Future present

  The present moment that you will experience in a future moment. See past future present, past present, present, present present.

  Giant arseteroid

  Super-big arseteroid thought responsible for ending the reign of the Great White Bumosaurs 65 million years ago.

  Giant brown blob

  Gigantic, brown and blob-like. Avoid.

  Giant-brown-blobbification

  To be completely engulfed by a giant brown blob. To be avoided at all costs. See Blob-boy.

  Giant mutant blowfly

  Adult form of giant mutant maggot. Avoid.

  Giant mutant maggot

  Larval form of giant mutant blowfly. Avoid.

  Giant mutant zombie blowfly

  Adult form of giant mutant zombie maggot. Virtually indestructible. Avoid.

  Giant mutant zombie maggot

  Zombie-bummified giant mutant maggot. Avoid.

  Great Unwiped Bum, The

  See Stenchgantor.

  Great White Bum, The

  A rogue bum regarded by many as the most evil bum in the univarse. There are many theories about its origins. Some believe it to be a mutant bum created as a side effect of nuclear testing in the Pacific. Eric Von Dunnycan, in his book ‘Chariots of the Bums’, claimed that the Great White Bum was a space traveller who arrived on Earth thousands of years ago. Others believe the Great White Bum has been around for even longer and that it dates back 650 million years to the Pre-Cambrian period. Avoid.

  Great White Bumosaur

  The largest and most obnoxious of all the bumosaurs. Probably the first land-dwelling bums to emerge from the Sea of Bums. Avoid.

  Great Windy Desert, The

  A blisteringly hot, terrifying wilderness devoid of all life except for needleweeds, stinkants and Ned Smelly.

  Henry

  Zack Freeman’s middle name.

  Hokey Pokey

  A really stupid dance, but quite good for amusing small children. Also good for sending zombie bums into a mysterious trance that enables you to pretty much lead them anywhere. Avoid unless you are a small child—or a parent desperately trying to amuse a small child—or your town is about to be overrun by zombie bums.

  Holy buttrimony

  A state of wedded bliss between two bums.

  James and Judi Freeman

  Zack Freeman’s parents. Top-secret int
erplanetary bum-fighters who work undercover as musicians in the wind section of an orchestra.

  Junior Bum-fighters’ League

  An organisation dedicated to the early identification of young people with bum-fighting potential. Offers bum-fighting clinics, training camps, a national bum-fighting competition and guest speakers. Contact the organisation in your nearest capital city.

  Kicker, The

  Legendary bum-fighter highly skilled in the art of foot-to-bum combat. Member of the famous B-team.

  Kisser, The

  Exceptionally charming bum-fighter highly skilled in the art of lip-to-bum combat. Less inclined to physical violence than the other members of the B-team, the Kisser was no less effective a bum-fighter, however, thanks to his formidable charm and lethal ‘kiss of death’. Bumnapped and brainwashed by bums, he became a secret bum sympathiser and not only sabotaged the B-team’s bum-fighting E-missions, but ultimately attempted to kill its members. See Mutant Maggot Lord, The.

  Mabel Freeman

  Zack Freeman’s grandmother. AKA the Pincher.

  Mabel’s Angels

  The world’s first bum-fighting team, consisting of the Flicker, the Forker and, founding member, Mabel Freeman, the Pincher.

  Mabeltown

  Large country town named in honour of Mabel Freeman in recognition of her efforts as the founding member of Mabel’s Angels, credited with inventing modern bum-fighting.

  Maggotorium

  Enormous underground chamber. The cold, dark and moist environment provides ideal conditions for maggots, Maggot Lords, giant mutant maggots, Mutant Maggot Lords and a range of other lowdown scum-sucking parasites. Avoid.