Belonging

by Karen Ann Hopkins

  But the moment was shattered when our lips separated an inch and my eyes opened. Not too far away, behind Rose’s cap, I saw the last person I wanted to see. She was standing partially hidden behind the house—watching us.

  It was Ella Weaver, and judging from her wide eyes and frowning lips, I knew the ax was about to fall.

  18

  Rose

  Walking up the pebbly driveway behind Ruth, I clenched the top of my coat to keep the icy wind out of the space where there was no button to hold the material together. I glanced up at the overcast sky that was placing a gray curtain over the world and thought that it was a crappy day to have a wedding. I made a mental note to not schedule my wedding during the middle of November in Ohio.

  Approaching the building where the ceremony was to be held, I saw a hundred or so men already gathered in front of the entrance. They stood like statues—their flapping coats and the lift of their beards in the wind was the only movement in the group. There were no balloons or decorations marking the event. No flowers were displayed in the Weavers’ church building, either. I knew before I even reached the dim interior that the same benches would be set up, the only big difference being the six chairs that were lining the front for the wedding party.

  I’d been given the opportunity to thoroughly check things out the day before when I’d volunteered to help get the Weavers’ place in tip-top shape for the event. I’d worked mostly on scrubbing the benches and sweeping the floors, but I’d also made my way to the smaller white building near the house that was usually a garden shop where the Weavers sold ceramic lawn ornaments. The country store had been turned into a reception hall. Not the kind of place that I was used to for an after-wedding dinner, but I had to admit, a suitable space for a gathering.

  Katie’s favorite color was the dark rose shade of burgundy, and that was the hue she used to decorate the dozen long lines of tables that were set up. Every ten feet or so there was a flower arrangement of white roses adorning the tables, and before each seat was a votive with a white ribbon tied around it. Interestingly, the names of the bride and groom, the date of their wedding and the Bible verse, “The Greatest of These Is Love, 1 Cor.13:13,” were engraved on the little candles and also the napkins that were placed on the dinner plates.

  The wedding party table had more flair, with a lace cloth resting on top of the burgundy one. The extra-large flower display held pure white roses mixed in with red ones that didn’t match the tablecloths perfectly but still blended well enough. The three-layer cake was displayed in the center, and the ivory-colored roses that decorated its edges were perfect enough to be real flowers. There were only six chairs placed on the one side of the table, reserved for Katie and Jacob and their attendants.

  The vision of the reception building disappeared when Ruth and I finally reached the greeting line. I felt the gazes of the men on me, and when I searched around, a dozen pairs of eyes shifted quickly. Even though there were many new faces in the crowd, I got the feeling that they knew about me and my story.

  One of the Weaver cousins wasn’t shy about the gossip, either; just the day before, she’d asked me bluntly how I was surviving the Plain life. I’d opted to just smile and mumble “great” and had kept on with my scrubbing.

  As I looked around at the sea of dark-clad people, I felt as if I was more of an outsider than I ever had been before. The complete lack of voices, with only the whistle of the sharp wind blowing as sound, caused my heart to drum faster. I’d realized over the past few months that when the Amish people were alone or in small groups, they seemed more normal to me, more approachable in a way, but it was the total opposite on church days. When the whole community came together, there was the oppressive feeling of being watched that affected everyone present, from the oldest right down to the smallest toddlers. They all changed, completely losing any personality that would set them apart on any other day of the week. Worry would spread through me like a flood on such occasions. Today was worse—everyone was even more reserved and cautious than usual. The creepiness of it tightened my insides and made me shiver.

  Ruth stopped in front of me, and I huddled against her, letting her plump figure shield me from some of the weather. I only peeked around her sheltering body to catch a glimpse of Katie and Jacob sitting on white plastic lawn chairs, along with their attendants in front of the building. The early winter wind was gusting right into their faces, but they still nodded and smiled at the well-wishers as they passed.

  I knew that beneath Katie’s black coat was a navy blue bridal dress. She’d been able to choose any shade of blue she wanted for herself and her attendants on the special day, but blue was the only color allowed in this community for a wedding. The idea of the bride wearing blue was bizarre enough, but the fact that the dresses were exactly the same as the church ones except for the white aprons, was even more disheartening. How could a girl feel beautiful on her special day in a frumpy dress? I knew I was being shallow, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t lose the negativity over the lack of dress options. My spirits had dipped even further when Sarah had told me weeks before that there would be no bridesmaids in colorful dresses or guys in snappy tuxes. No cute little Amish flower girls, either.

  Sighing, I swallowed hard, trying to relax my throat, which had suddenly tightened. I’d learned months ago that if I thought too much about the differences between Noah’s world and mine, I would become a nervous mess. The unwanted doubts were the worst in the dark of night. Sometimes they’d pester me for hours while I’d toss and turn, desperately wanting to fall asleep. I’d learned that the best way for me to get by was to do as little thinking as possible. Up until this day, it had worked pretty well. Whenever the thoughts would creep into my mind, making the prickly anxiety rise within me, I’d focus my attention on Noah, and that’s what I did now.

  He was sitting beside Katie, and I sucked in a quick breath at how handsome he looked in his black coat with a bit of the aqua-blue shirt visible. He appeared older than his eighteen years and very serious. Seeing Noah’s uptight expression made me frown, and I hid my mouth in the collar of my jacket as I turned to see the other attendants.

  My vision darkened significantly when my gaze settled on the wicked witch of the west. Even though Ella’s navy blue dress whipped around her legs and the wind blew the strings of her cap wildly around her face, she still sat as if she was a queen at the head of her court—her fake smile stretching her mouth wide. Her doe eyes stalled briefly on me, but true to her unemotional-in-front-of-an-audience ways, she completely ignored me and kept on smiling.

  I wanted to kick her in the shin when the time came to walk by her for what she’d done to me and Noah. Running straight to the bishop to report that she’d seen us kissing by the creek had been a rotten thing to do, even for her. Katie agreed with me, taking up against her sister. But it hadn’t mattered. We’d broken the law, kissing in broad daylight and only yards away from half the congregation.

  I still didn’t have a clue what Noah had been thinking when he’d hijacked my mouth so suddenly. It was puzzling since he was the one who was always on my butt about being careful.

  Because of Ella’s big mouth, Noah and I were now serving a punishment of three subsequent Sundays in a row without courting. That meant no phone calls, dinners or chaperoned visits—nothing. Ruth thought the bishop was being lenient on us, but I certainly didn’t agree with her—we’d only been kissing. The one satisfaction I had from the whole scene was that Ella had gotten to see me and Noah all over each other.

  As I huddled behind the others waiting in line, the cold pierced through my black coat, feeling like a million tiny pins pricking my skin. I shifted from foot to foot wishing everyone else would feel my pain and get moving.

  I didn’t risk another glance at Ella, not wanting to become angry. Instead, I checked out the guy sitting next to her. Rebecca had told me that Jacob was having a childhood friend and cousin named Lester as his other attendant. Looking at the man sitt
ing beside Ella, I could see the resemblance to the rest of the Miller clan. He even had the same thick dark hair, laced with golden highlights.

  The girl beside Noah was another cousin, only this one from the Weaver side. I thought her name was Christine. She was average-looking, with a wide nose, dull eyes and no distinguishing characteristics that would make me remember her the next day.

  Jacob’s mouth was pinched in the tight smile of a man who didn’t seem to be enjoying himself one bit. That didn’t surprise me—guys usually weren’t into the wedding ceremony itself—they were too busy looking forward to the honeymoon. Heat warmed my face for a few seconds at the thought.

  We inched closer to the wedding party, and I couldn’t help feeling sorry for Katie that the day was so dreary and the vibes so solemn. Taking another glance over my shoulder at the view of the rolling tilled earth and the steely sky, my mood soured once again. I wished that the tiredness that had a hold on my spirit would let go. Today was supposed to be a happy occasion.

  Minutes later, when we finally reached the bride and groom, Ruth said a few words in German that I, of course, didn’t understand, but I smiled and nodded at those seated as we drifted by—except for Ella whom I narrowed my eyes at, only to be repaid with the same smile she was offering everyone else.

  I doubly hated her for her inhuman composure in all situations.

  When I faced Noah, I was unsure what to do, but he smiled at me and then winked before I left him. The wink was enough to lift my spirit a little and soothe my temper toward Ella.

  Noah still loved me, and that was all that was important.

  Once free of our greeting duties, Ruth made a beeline into the building, and I said a silent hurray for her. She took us about midway down the benches, and there we made ourselves as comfortable as possible. Rebecca was seated in the front row of seats directly behind the wedding party seats, along with Sarah, Rachel, little Naomi and Grandma Miller who’d come in from Pennsylvania with Grandpa a few days earlier. They were lucky enough to be sitting on chairs similar to the ones that the wedding group were seated on outside. There were also a number of women around them that I didn’t recognize. I was intrigued to see that the chairs set up for the family members were coed. Several men and all the Miller boys were already there mixed right in with the women.

  Not so for the rest of us. Our side, which was the left, was packed full of women, while on the far benches a few of the older men, who had too much sense to stand around outside in the nasty weather, were making themselves at home.

  I sat listening to the murmurs and conversations of the women around me. Ruth was chatting away with another elderly lady on her other side and ignoring me completely, which suited me just fine since I was taking deep breaths, trying to stop the spasms of shivers that kept rocking my body.

  Just about the time I’d stopped trembling and was getting bored with the waiting, Suzanna slid in beside me. Amazingly, she was wearing the exact same turquoise blue that I had on.

  I fanned my dress out for her to see, and she laughed. “Are you copying me, Rose?”

  “Guess I could say the same to you,” I told her as I lightly bumped into her shoulder.

  “I just came from the kitchen where all the servers are working like mad to finish the meal.” She rubbed her hands together vigorously for warmth. The inside of the building had several gas heaters operating, but they didn’t do much for the large space.

  I was already nearly drooling at the thought of all the food I was going to get to eat in a few hours, and Suzanna’s update made my tummy clench in anticipation.

  “So what’s on the menu?” I asked.

  Suzanna looked at me funny, and then she said, “I keep forgetting that you’ve never been to one of our weddings before.” She smiled to herself and said, “We almost always have chicken for the main course. And it’s specially cooked and seasoned to taste so yummy. They’ll be the mashed potatoes, green beans, coleslaw, salad, bread and a slew of pies,” she said.

  I got to thinking in a different direction, and asked, “Will Noah have to eat dinner with the wedding party?”

  “Yeah, reckon so,” Suzanna said. Her face lit up, and she went on to say, “But even if he didn’t, you two aren’t allowed around each other for a couple of weeks, right?”

  I felt deflated and mumbled, “Uh-huh. It’s not fair.”

  Suzanna’s voice changed, and I turned to her when she said, “Yeah, I know.”

  “What?” I said, hearing the anger within the words.

  She turned her bright blue eyes on me and leaned in closer. “You and Noah not being able to keep your paws off each other has caused trouble for all the courting youth.”

  “Why, what do you mean?” I put my ear closer to her face. As I listened to her, I watched the building filling up with the not-so-festive-looking people.

  “The bishop and ministers have clamped down on everyone, because of the little make-out show you two did behind Jacob and Katie’s house. We’ve been told that we aren’t allowed to go off a little ways from the group and sit together at the singings no more. And, the guys have to head home on Sundays by eleven now.” Suzanna’s face tightened with irritation.

  “Why would you be punished when it was me and Noah messing around?”

  Suzanna leveled a hard look on me. “It got the grown-ups thinking, it did.”

  I didn’t know what to say. The ridiculous overbearing attitude of the community’s leaders wasn’t my problem, but still, wanting to smooth things over, I said, “I’m sorry. It wasn’t as if we planned to get caught.”

  She glanced at me and said, “It’s all right, but you need to be more careful in the future, or we won’t be spending any time at all with our boyfriends.”

  Suzanna handed me a program, as they were being passed down our row. The cover had a picture of a bundle of roses with the caption, “Love never fails, 1 Corinthians 13:7-8”

  When I flipped it open, I was thrilled to see English writing. The hymns were in both languages, but the rest was good old-fashioned American.

  I shouted an internal yay, and began reading. Skipping over the songs and sermon, I stopped at the marriage vows section. After reading them, I decided that they were fairly simplistic. Both husband and wife agreeing that the Lord had ordained the relationship, and to care for the other if they became sick. The last vow was promising each other that they would love and not separate from each other until God separated them through death.

  I was surprised that there wasn’t an entire paragraph dedicated to the wife obeying the husband.

  “What do you think so far, Rose?” Ruth asked me quietly.

  Looking around, I saw that the room was full, and the cold wind that had been blowing in the front sliding door had ceased when the heavy wooden frame was pulled shut.

  “It seems the same as an ordinary church day so far, except for the extra people,” I told her.

  “Our weddings aren’t a fancy affair, but the dinner afterward is always pleasurable,” Ruth said, before turning back to her buddy on the other side.

  The droning sound of the murmurs of hundreds of people, the scraping of the benches on the cement floor and the press of the wind against the building combined to make a gentle buzz in my ears.

  I was still cold, but it wasn’t as bad as before. Suzanna sat silently beside me, and I wondered what was going through her mind. Was she making plans in her head for her own wedding day?

  Before I caught on, the entire congregation began to sing. The Amish were singing in German, but I was able to follow along in the program.

  Now then, cheer up, you Church of God,

  Holy and pure,

  In these later times,

  You who are chosen unto a bridegroom

  Called Jesus Christ,

  Do prepare yourself for Him.

  Lay your adornments, for He comes soon,

  Therefore prepare the wedding garment,

  For He will certainly have the wedding,

/>   Now, allowing you to be parted from Him eternally.

  The second song began, and it was in the same level tempo as the first one. I pretended to sing along but spent most of the time studying the people around me.

  Everyone was bundled up in dark coats, their pale faces looking down at the programs speaking out the words of the song with no spirit. The women stuck out the most with their large black bonnets covering the little white caps on their heads. My mouth twitched when it occurred to me that they all looked like Goth Quakers.

  The wedding party still hadn’t made their appearance, and I squeezed closer to Suzanna and interrupted her singing. “Where are Jacob and Katie?”

  “They’re in the council room with the bishop and ministers getting talked to about the sacredness of marriage and the seriousness of the vows they’re making. They’ll be here soon,” she said, then went back to her singing.

  A little blip in the back of my mind registered again how Suzanna was different now that she was courting Timothy. It was almost as if some of her soul had been sucked out of her. It made me wonder—was that happening to me?

  After the third song, the door opened a couple of feet and Jacob and Katie walked through, followed by their attendants and the ministers. Bishop Lambright was the last in, and he was the one who closed the door. The air settled again into cold silence.

  The wedding party seated themselves in the chairs, while the ministers took their places on a long bench that faced the congregation. I could only see the back of Noah’s head, which frustrated me, but I was happy that Ella sat several seats away from him.

  Amos went to the front and spoke in his language for a half an hour or so. I watched him amble in front of the crowd, wondering what he was saying. Suzanna stayed focused on the first sermon, while Ruth kept her attention on the wrapped-up bundle on her lap.

  I hadn’t a clue when the baby had arrived. I just turned around to see him there sleeping soundly. I knew it was Joshua because of the name embroidered in cursive on the blue blanket that protected him.