No Shirt, No Shoes...No Problem!

by Jeff Foxworthy

  “If you’ve ever brought a siphon hose to show and tell…”

  Big Jim taught me to siphon gas out of a truck when I was still in elementary school. You always end up with a bad taste in your mouth. If there’s some other way to do it, please tell me. One time Burns siphoned too much gas and got a mouthful. He spit it all out, but he burped the rest of the weekend and smelled like an Amoco station. On the positive side, there probably weren’t many kids in the fifth grade who knew how to do that.

  “If the flood history of your area can be seen on the living room walls…”

  I was watching CNN when I heard these people who lived on a flood plain talking about how they had been wiped out in a flood—but it wasn’t as bad as how they’d been wiped out the year before. And the way they were wiped out two years before was really bad. That’s when I yelled at the TV: “Here’s an idea: Why don’t you move?!”

  “If you’ve ever shot a deer from inside your house…”

  Ask my Uncle William. It was the best deer he ever got. William shot him from the bathroom window, and I’m pretty sure Uncle William was somehow indisposed at the time. Of course, now he tells it as like, “I shot it right out behind the house.” Well, the deer was out behind the house.

  The truth is that he was sitting in the bathroom reading the latest issue of Hound Dog Weekly when he spotted the deer through the window. So without pulling his pants up, he did a little duckwalk to the gun rack, grabbed his loaded 30–30, came back, cracked the window, and shot the deer. I’m assuming he cleaned up before he went out to gut it.

  We found this out because Aunt Rose told on him. Apparently the reverb of the gunshot echoing off the shower tiles scared the crap out of everyone in the house. Dishes broke.

  “If you’ve ever financed your tattoo…”

  When I worked a job in Lexington, Kentucky, I saw a tattoo parlor with a sign painted on the window: “Financing Available.” My first thought was “How do you repossess one of these when somebody doesn’t pay?” Meanwhile, somewhere a guy is pointing to his arm, saying, “Three more payments, this sumbitch is mine.”

  “If the receptionist is responsible for checking the rat traps at your place of business…”

  I was scheduled to do an early-morning radio show in Oklahoma. When I got there at 6:30 A.M. I had to wait in the lobby for someone to let me in. Just to kill the time I looked under the credenza, and there was a rat trap with a dead rat under the bar. When someone finally showed up, I said, “You’ve got a dead rat under there.” The woman said, deadly serious, “That’s the receptionist’s job. She checks them every day.” She just left it there. When I finished the interview, I stopped in the lobby and asked the receptionist if she’d gotten the rat. She said, “Yeah. He was a nice one!”

  “Stacey? Could you check the rat traps and get me a cup of coffee?”

  “If you’ve ever peed in an ice machine…”

  When the gang stops at a gas station and everyone has to relieve himself, it’s hard to find places to go. Usually, one guy is already peeing in the toilet, another is peeing in the sink, and if you’ve gotta go, man, you’ve gotta go. And peeing in the ice machine by the gas station office is creative. Most Rednecks will risk going to jail if it means they can get their buddies to laugh. This is even funnier if you are a woman.

  “If you run down the bowling alley and slide into the pins…”

  There’s actually a competition like that every year in Illinois. These guys wear silk shirts, get a running start, and the idea is to hit the pins with their bodies. To get a strike they have to turn sideways as they collide with the pins. Afterward, most of the contestants have huge blue welts on their foreheads where they hit the pins wrong trying to pick up a spare. No one wears helmets. This is one of those things you see on television and think, “Thank you, God. There but for fortune go I.”

  Could be worse, though. As I mentioned earlier, just after Gregg and I moved to Los Angeles, I spotted an ad in the newspaper for a national farting contest. If you’re a comedian, that’s an attention grabber right there. My first thought was that it had to be a bunch of fraternity guys. Then I read the list of who would compete: “Three-Time Nebraska Champion, Bill ‘Bo-Bo’ Browner.” I told Gregg I had to go. I had too many questions. Were these guys like other entertainers. Did they have groupies? Were women hanging around backstage going, “When we first started coming to see you, we wouldn’t even gag or anything. But now, you make my brother vomit.”

  “Oh thank you, little lady.”

  Would I see fat guys eating beans right out of the can?

  “Please, no lighted cigarettes in the auditorium.”

  One of the few regrets I have in life is not finding a way to attend this contest.

  “If your hobby is stealing road signs…”

  I stole many. There’s an art to it. They’re not just wood. They’ve got bolts. To do the job correctly, you’ve got to carry the right size wrench and a big screwdriver. You hold the bolt on one side and crank it on the other. But you’ve got to do it at night. You drop one guy off and then you drive away, and you let the guy work. If you’re the job man, you shinny up a pole and you crank. If a car comes by you drop down and lie flat on the side of the road, and wait until the car goes away. It can take a long time. On a busy street you may only get one or two wrench turns at a time. On a country road it’s a better deal. The hardest to swipe are interstate signs. One thing to remember, you don’t steal road signs just for the sake of stealing. It has to be something you want. for instance, if you find a sign that says “DANGEROUS CURVES AHEAD” and the pictured curve in any way resembles a breast, it will be something you need. Dex got us one of those.

  One time Buddy Hammond and I decided to steal the road sign with our street name on it. We weren’t really good thieves because we were stealing it at four o’clock in the afternoon. I sat on Buddy’s shoulders and worked the bolt while cars kept driving by. As we were leaving, Buddy thought he saw a cop car cruise by, so after we had the sign in the house for a few minutes, we went back and put the sign up again. It was a lot more difficult than taking it down.

  I don’t list this on my résumé, but for a year or two, while going down to the farm, I may have ranked in the top five nationally in the sport of hitting road signs with beer bottles at high speeds. I was great at it. I could hit them with anything. I got so good I could hit mile-marker signs with a pony Miller bottle, without even leaning out of the car. People always want to throw the bottle at the sign. That’s wrong. The trick is to gauge how fast the car is going, and then you throw it straight out. All you want to do is get height and distance from the car.

  When you hit a sign, the glass shatters on the grass just off the shoulder. Don’t feel too bad about that because if you’ve got to pull over, you’ve probably got a flat tire anyway. So what’s the big deal?

  Eventually hitting the signs got boring. Buddy Hammond was pretty damn good at driving and throwing one over the top of the car and hitting a road sign. I got bored hitting signs on my side of the road, as well. So I’d sit on the passenger window sill while we were going seventy and throw them over the top of the car, across the other lane, and hit signs on the other side of the road. What could possibly go wrong? All I had to do was sneeze and I would have been dead.

  Never got caught at that, either.

  “If you’ve ever painted your car with house paint…”

  Danny Chastain had an old station wagon that he called the Eggmobile. It looked like pure crap so one day we decided to paint it. We weren’t kids with a lot of money, so we went to the drugstore and bought spray paint. We figured we’d spray it black in Burns’ side yard. About halfway through the job, the wind started blowing. It was fall and soon leaves were stuck all over the body. Every time we pulled a leaf off, it left a pockmark, and soon the car went from being the Eggmobile to being the Acnemobile.

  “If the primary color of your car is Bondo…”

  That was my Datsun 280-Z.
I had to have the car because it was so fast. In fact, that car inspired several Redneck lines. Another was “If you have to get a tetanus shot to drive your car…” The car was originally from Michigan and it was so rusted that you could pretty much put your foot through it. Another was “If your car uses more oil than gas…” This car burned oil but also burned rubber going into fourth gear.

  Anyway, as I got money, I had the body redone. It was Bondo color for a year before I finally got it all painted.

  “If your dog can smoke cigarettes…”

  Somebody who worked with my dad at IBM had a basset hound named Boozer who would drink beer out of his bowl. Then he would sit there with a cigarette in his mouth.

  The Redneck Aptitude Test

  You’ve learned how Redneck jokes are created. Now let’s see what you remember. Give yourself a point for each right answer. On second thought, just give yourself a point for trying to answer. No use making this too difficult. High score gets a lifetime supply of Doe-in-Heat.

  Part One: Just Pick One

  1. What does a divorcée call herself?

  a. Lonely

  b. In recovery

  c. Hot to Trot

  2. What’s the best way to move the wedding party from the church to the reception?

  a. Car pool

  b. Limousines

  c. Announce there’s a keg at the reception

  3. What should I say to the bride in the receiving line?

  a. Congratulations

  b. Enjoyed the ceremony

  c. I like your mustache (and your baby is real cute)

  4. At what point should a host ask a guest to leave?

  a. After coffee

  b. When you go to bed

  c. When you go to work

  5. It is all right to make an off-color toast at:

  a. A family reunion

  b. A wedding

  c. A funeral

  6. Does proper etiquette allow a woman to wear shorts in the city?

  a. Yes, if it matches her tube top

  b. Yes, but both legs should be cut the same length

  c. Who goes to the city?

  7. What should you do if you can’t remember someone’s name?

  a. Ignore them

  b. Call him Hoss

  c. Pretend to be blind

  d. Look at his belt buckle

  8. What should you do when the national anthem is played?

  a. Stand up

  b. Take off your John Deere hat

  c. Turn off the TV and go to bed

  d. Put down your beer

  9. If the person next to you on the airplane is a chatterbox, you should…

  a. Pretend you’re asleep

  b. Tell them you’re a Jehovah’s Witness

  c. Pass gas

  10. Why should one check suitcases and other items instead of taking them on planes?

  a. It’s rude to other passengers who need the leg room your cooler takes

  b. Crowded aisles are a hassle for flight attendants

  c. It’s hard to put a goat in the overhead compartment

  11. When you desire service at your table, you should…

  a. Whistle

  b. Beat your beer bottle on the ashtray

  c. Throw a biscuit at the waiter

  12. How should one introduce a speaker?

  a. Stand up and check your fly

  b. Beat your beer bottle with a spoon

  c. Holler “Y’all shut up. We got somebody that wants to talk!”

  d. All of the above, in that order

  13. How do you write a proper letter of resignation?

  a. “Adios, butt-heads”

  b. Spit on the desk and work it around with your finger

  c. Dear Sirs: I love the bowling business but can no longer handle the pressures of league night

  14. If a bug crawls out of your lettuce while dining at a friend’s house you…

  a. Scream

  b. Eat it discreetly, using your salad fork

  c. Mask it with your coffee cup

  d: Pocket it for a future fishing trip

  15. If you encounter a fish bone, you should…

  a. Spit it into your napkin

  b. Save it to pick your teeth with later

  c. Open your mouth, stick out your tongue and announce, “Look, see-food”

  16. How do you use chopsticks?

  a. Ask the waiter

  b. Sharpen them with your knife and stab food

  c. I don’t know, and it don’t matter if you’re from the South

  17. When looking for a new home, the prime considerations are…

  a. Convenience of schools and shopping

  b. Property values in the community

  c. Whether or not your old lady can swing the payments on her Dunkin’ Donuts salary

  18. A Redneck should not name his son Theodore because…

  a. No stock car drivers are named Theodore

  b. It’s too long to write on a shirt pocket

  c. It would require a huge bladder to write his name in the snow

  19. When disposing of beer cans while fishing, you should…

  a. Use a handy recycling bag

  b. Crush them against your forehead and skim them across the surface

  c. Fill them with water so they sink to the bottom

  20. How far is too far on a first date?

  a. Halfway

  b. All the way

  c. Chattanooga

  Part Two: Roadkill and Other Edibles

  If you have more than five of these in your icebox…you’ve got a serious problem.

  1. Piñ colada mix

  2. Dip

  3. One shelf devoted to beer

  4. Leftover SPAM

  5. Rotten watermelon, with seeds

  6. Frozen burritos, thawed more than a week

  7. Cool Whip

  8. Pigs’ feet or tongue

  9. Pot of macaroni (including spoon—bonus points)

  10. Open can of dog food (No tinfoil cover—bonus points)

  11. Cigarettes (by the carton—bonus points)

  12. Suppositories in the butter dish

  13. Collection of Taco Bell taco sauce packets

  14. Half a burger (more than five days old—bonus points)

  15. Spilled Kool-Aid

  16. Yoo-Hoos

  17. Batteries

  18. Deviled ham

  19. Half a Big Gulp

  20. Deer sausage

  21. Used cooking grease

  23. Empty pizza box

  24. Pickled eggs

  25. Baking soda (extra boxes—one bonus point each)

  Part Three: Redneck Cinema

  Which of these classic Redneck movies have you seen?

  1. Smokey and the Bandit

  2. Walking Tall

  3. Deliverance

  4. Gator

  5. Cannonball Run I and II

  6. White Lightning

  7. The Longest Yard

  8. Ernest (any)

  9. Mad Max

  10. Halloween

  11. Katie: Portrait of a Centerfold

  12. Jan Michael Vincent film (any)

  Part Four: The Rube Tube

  If you haven’t watched more than three of these shows, you are definitely not Redneck material.

  1. Any fishing show

  2. The Andy Griffith Show

  3. The Beverly Hillbillies

  4. Green Acres

  5. Mr. Ed

  6. Adam 12

  7. F-Troop

  8. Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom

  9. WWF (rasslin’)

  10. The People’s Court

  11. Cops (to help locate your relatives)

  12. Charlie’s Angels

  13. Club Dance

  14. Brewster McCloud

  15. Baywatch

  Part Five: Redneck Wear

  How many of these items are in your wardrobe, good buddy?

  1. Any convenience store cap


  2. Jeans with hems walked off

  3. Orange vest

  4. Camouflage underwear

  5. Snakeskin boots

  6. Hulk-a-Mania T-shirt

  7. Acid-washed tuxedo

  8. A Harley vest

  9. Shirts without sleeves

  10. Sleeves without shirts

  11. Shirt with race-car picture

  12. Tie-dyed nightgown

  13. Jaclyn Smith negligee

  14. Panties big enough to slow a dragster

  15. Hank Williams Junior sweatshirt

  Part Six: Redneck Home and Garden

  A true Redneck will have ten or more of these in his front yard.

  1. A major appliance

  2. A motor hanging from a tree

  3. An oil pan still full

  4. A pair of men’s underwear

  5. Chickens (live)

  6. Half a motorcycle

  7. More than twelve tires

  8. A deer carcass

  9. Corrugated metal

  10. A car door

  11. Coffee can flower pots

  12. A buried pet

  13. Crime scene tape

  14. Pile of gravel

  15. Fish skulls (not alive)

  16. Dogs on chains

  17. Past-due bills

  18. One hunting boot

  19. The front door

  20. TV dinner trays

  21. Pink plastic flamingos with the heads shot off

  Part Seven: Redneck Decor

  These items are on my walls. What about yours?

  1. Deer head (extra points if deer wears sunglasses, cap, or beads)