Serial Killer Princess

by RJ Blain

  Judging by the gleam in Dr. Margret Carden’s eyes, I wouldn’t be leaving her sight until she was satisfied I was in better than new condition.

  “Lycanthropy is a serious concern, Tulip,” Dr. Carden repeated for the tenth time in as many minutes.

  At least she didn’t laugh at my name.

  “I’m sure it is, for people who aren’t immune to it. Go ahead, check my blood. You’re not going to find any traces of the virus. I’ve been exposed before. It’s not my fault the CDC won’t flag me as immune because they haven’t figured out what makes me immune.” I smiled for the woman. “You should be praising me. If I hadn’t fed that damned cat my knuckles, he would’ve ripped up a car before possibly targeting people who aren’t immune to the virus. That’s the trick to dealing with pissed off lycanthropes. You have to surprise them into forgetting why they’re angry in the first place. Then their virus settles down and they can regain control of themselves. That’s all I did. I surprised him.”

  “Most sentients would be surprised when tossed by someone a fifth their size. Your self-defense instructor will be proud.”

  My self-defense instructor was dead, and I’d been the one to kill the bastard, although he’d been good at teaching. He’d targeted his students because he’d loved when his victims put up a decent fight. “I’m sure he would be.”

  Dr. Carden jabbed me in the shoulder, and I winced. “Your shoulder and back muscles lost that fight, I’ll have you know. Multiple sprains, and you’re lucky you didn’t break something. Then there’s the matter of your concussion. I was forwarded your hospital records from Minnesota. Are you trying to kill yourself, or do you enjoy testing the limits of the human body?”

  “I forgot about the concussion,” I confessed. “My head wasn’t hurting at all when I decided the lycanthrope needed to not bust up my future car.”

  “In the future, let the lycanthrope damage the car. Cars are easier to fix than people. As it is, you have twenty-seven new stitches, a hairline fracture, more sprains than I wish to count right now, and enough bruising you’re going to win awards for interesting colorations for the next week or two.”

  I regarded the splint on my finger with a scowl. “It’ll heal in no time.”

  Being a shapeshifter helped with that. I’d never match a lycanthrope, but I healed in half the time it took the average human. If I needed to push my luck, transforming would increase my recovery rate, too, although I’d pay for my impatience with fever, general malaise, and weight loss.

  I’d learned early on being a shapeshifter wouldn’t save me from fatal injury; I’d cut it a little close a few too many times to believe myself immortal. I shouldn’t have launched a full-out assault against a lycanthrope, but I had several good reasons for my stupidity. The backup of two easily provoked gorgons took the top prize, and the public setting factored, too.

  While it hadn’t crossed my mind when I’d tangoed with the clouded leopard, I’d built a new reputation for myself, one I hadn’t tried before.

  It would make my work killing serial killers more difficult, but I looked forward to living a life where people thought I had more courage than sense. It would help me flirt with Justin, too.

  If he was like any other bodyguard I’d ever met, nothing would trip his trigger quite like a reckless body to protect. I had no idea how my run in with a rival lycanthrope would factor.

  No, I needed to ditch the kitty, because the kitty wasn’t the one I wanted. I wanted the man with the courage to stand up to black mambas and gorgons without breaking a sweat. I wouldn’t even hold Justin’s fear of my grandparents against him.

  Any sane man would have a healthy fear for those two. They put me on edge wondering what they’d do.

  I didn’t like men like the clouded leopard. Infection with the lycanthropy virus put him a step up from others like him, but if I caught his interest so easily, he’d lose interest just as readily. The lycanthropy virus could transform even the wildest swinger into a loyal husband, but it took time, and I deserved better than a wandering eye.

  I needed a challenge, and I needed someone who loved me despite of—and because of—my myriad of flaws. That mean showing him my bad side out of the gate, challenging him, and emerging the victor regardless.

  And I needed to see his bad sides, too, and emerge on the other side still wanting him.

  So far, I liked what I saw in Justin.

  The clouded leopard had temper and fire, but he lacked something, although I wasn’t sure what.

  “Miss Tulip,” Dr. Carden complained.

  “Do you think no is enough to deter the leopard outside? Because I don’t want him, Dr. Carden.”

  “As soon as it’s proven, without evidence of a doubt, that he hasn’t infected you with his virus, I’m sure no will be a sufficient answer. I’d like to remind you, Miss Tulip, that lycanthropes are very serious about mating, and should he have infected you, a single female, he will become a permanent attachment. The infection will ensure your acceptance of him as well.”

  “Then it’s a really good thing I’m immune. While I’m interested in a lycanthrope, he isn’t the one I’m interested in.”

  “You don’t have an immunity rating with the CDC, Miss Tulip.”

  I held out my arm. “Go ahead. Test me.”

  “It takes three days—”

  “I’m telling you there’s no point in waiting three days, because no matter which scanner you pull out, I’m going to test negative for the virus.”

  “It’s only been two hours since exposure, Miss Tulip.” Dr. Carden frowned at her collection of gadgets, picking one up. “I do have a high sensitivity scanner that’s capable of detecting contamination, but two hours isn’t sufficient to remove contamination, even among the immune.”

  I kept my arm lifted for her. “I break the rules.”

  “I find that highly unlikely.”

  “Then you’ll enjoy gloating should the test show contamination, Dr. Carden. What looks like a human, talks like a human, and looks like a human isn’t necessarily human. My father’s a gorgon. My mother’s a mermaid. Neither species is human.”

  “According to your file, you have human genetics.”

  “Yes, yes, over fifty percent, so I’m a human in the eyes of the law. That doesn’t change the fact I’m not really a human, Dr. Carden. I’m immune to lycanthropy.”

  “Then I suppose the tests will decide that.” The doctor scowled, but she started the scanner. “Your insurance company isn’t going to be pleased with this.”

  “And they’ll approve the scan because it’s going to show clean, which means they don’t have to pay for lycanthropy monitoring. How many times will I have to repeat myself before someone believes me?”

  “When the CDC flags you as immune, I suspect.”

  Within ten minutes, the doctor had her verdict. I scanned clean, and I even took the high road for once in my life, not saying a word while Dr. Carden confirmed the results three additional times because she couldn’t believe what her machines were telling her.

  “You’ve made your point,” she conceded.

  “Let’s cut a deal. You let me out of this joint with this annoying little splint, I’ll promise to wear it until the break heals, and we forget this ever happened. Sound good? And you’ll make sure that lycanthrope leaves me alone. He’s not my type.”

  “What kind of lycanthrope is your type, dare I ask?”

  “He’s a bodyguard, he makes the best bacon I’ve ever tasted, and I’m sure I can convince him to give me the time of day eventually.”

  Dr. Carden sighed. “He hates you, doesn’t he?”

  “Hate is such a strong word. I like to think of him as sensible and appropriately cautious about involving himself with a woman like me.”

  “Are you insane?”

  “Honest,” I countered.

  Dr. Carden’s eyes widened. “What do you mean by that?”

  “What you see is what you get, Dr. Carden. I prefer to let people judge
me on who I actually am. I see no need to dance to the contrived social rules. As I don’t play the social game like people wish me to play it, I suppose you could call me insane. I value honesty. I also value enjoying my life and living it to the fullest.”

  I smiled my way through the worst of lies, as my best kept secrets were hidden right beneath the noses of my victims and pursuers. A paper-thin veneer of lies shrouded me, and all it’d take was a spark to unveil everything, which was why my methods worked so well.

  No one wanted to believe the crazy girl next door was actually crazy, and no one liked believing a killer walked among them. That I only killed the other killers meant little.

  I still killed.

  “You’re a very interesting woman, Miss Tulip. As I suspect you’d escape from my hospital like you did the others, I’ll agree to your terms under a few conditions.”

  “What conditions?”

  “You’ll come back for a checkup within the next two weeks, you will refrain from playing with other lycanthropes, even if they wreck your grandparents’ car, and you’ll avoid any injuries to your head. A mild concussion can turn into a serious problem if you’re not careful. Do we have a deal?”

  “Deal,” I replied, saluting the doctor. “Do I get a lollipop for good behavior?”

  “If you show up to your appointment without having done additional damage to yourself, I might be able to locate a lollipop for you.”

  “Then I’ll see you soon, Dr. Carden.”

  The clouded leopard waited with my grandparents, and I looked him over head to toe, flashed him my best smile, and waved the paper declaring I wasn’t contaminated in his face. “You’re officially in no way responsible for me, Sir Kitten. You can go home with no fear you’ll be stuck with me. Trust me when I say this is a very good thing.”

  “And here I thought I’d be able to enjoy your company for at least three days,” the kitty growled, and his ears flattened.

  I shouldn’t have been surprised a lycanthrope would find having his teeth bashed in by a woman attractive. “I’m sure you’ll find a pretty lady who wants to make someone purr at night. That is not me, for the record.” Since I had no doubt my grandparents would want to see proof, too, I handed the sheet over to my grandfather. “I’m free to go, but I’ve been told I should avoid punching any more lycanthropes in the face for at least a week”

  “Your doctor is a wise woman,” my grandfather replied, looking over the sheet. “All right. Since the target of your affections is out of town, I suppose I don’t have to warn him he might be assaulted this week.”

  “I wouldn’t say he’s the target of my affections.” I shrugged. “Affection is such a flimsy word. I’m hunting a lifetime supply of the best bacon I’ve ever tasted. That’s serious business, old man.”

  “How would you feel if I told you I taught him how to make bacon?” my grandfather replied.

  “You will ensure I’ll visit as long as you promise to make me bacon. It’s very simple.”

  “So, if I want to introduce you to prospective grooms, I need to teach them how to make bacon first?”

  I shook my head. “You’re going to have to try harder than that. My target has checked off every single one of my boxes in the pro column, and he hasn’t accumulated any cons yet.” I turned to the leopard. “Sorry, kitty. I’m taken, and the taker doesn’t know it yet.”

  “I’m not sure if I should be jealous or relieved,” the lycanthrope admitted.

  “Go with relieved. That choice is safer for your health.”

  “You’re an unusual woman, Tulip.”

  “I blame my unique blend of genes for that. I’m what happens when you mix predator and prey species. Snakes eat fish, and while mer are predators, when it comes to gorgon, they count as a prey species. It’s ugly. I recommend against doing that. Find yourself a nice wolf. The battle between cats and dogs will keep you amused for the rest of your lives.”

  “You assume finding an interested wolf is easy.”

  I raised both my brows, planted my hands on my hips while ignoring the pain from my broken finger, and replied, “Nothing worth doing is easy. If it were, everyone would be happy. There’s nothing wrong with having higher standards, especially when you’re picking a partner for life.”

  Without waiting for a reply, I turned to my grandparents. They rose from their seats and headed towards the exit, and I followed them without looking back.

  Some would call me a bitch for treating the lycanthrope as I did, but I deserved better, and so did he.

  My stunt punching an infuriated lycanthrope landed me a pair of infuriated gorgon grandparents, and the instant we reached the car, their serpents scolded me with hisses.

  My grandfather took point, narrowing his eyes, and getting in my face. “Care to explain that?”

  “Saving my future car from a beating. I already said that. One day, this car will be mine, and I was protecting it. If I’d let that overgrown pussy cat get a hold of it, it would’ve been crunched like a tin can.”

  “You’re a lot less durable than my car. It’s also not going to be your car. I intend on living so long the car rusts apart before I get rid of it.”

  “You’ll upgrade, and when you do, I’ll be waiting.”

  My grandmother crowed her laughter. “She has you there, dear. I fear she takes after our son. We should be grateful she’s made it easy to understand how to earn her affections. You need to feed her bacon and agree to give her the car. You’ll replace this one as soon as you get tired of it. Frankly, I’m surprised you’ve been loyal to this one for a year. You usually last six months before you find a new toy.”

  “I haven’t felt like doing a gemstone run lately. No gemstone runs, no new cars. We’ve been over this before.”

  “Gemstone run?” I asked, sliding into the back of my future car. “Is that how you make your money? You mine gemstones?”

  “Mine implies he works for it, dear. He doesn’t. He’s far too lazy. He goes to the nearest place with the right mineral deposits and petrifies the dirt and rocks until he gets the raw material he’s looking for. Then he sells the raw material to jewelers, who pay him a fortune for it. Diamonds sell the best, but he hates having to make the trips. Arizona has the best material for diamonds.”

  “Interesting. Can you turn people into gemstones, too?”

  “Typically not.”

  “But if you did, and you smashed them, would they stay a gemstone?”

  “No. Neutralizer would revert them back to flesh, and it’s rather unpleasant. All purchasers check stones with neutralizer to make sure gorgons haven’t done just that, anyway. Should I be disturbed you’re asking?”

  My grandmother snorted and waved her hand. “Rufus changed the poor girl’s fingernails into opals. After that, I’d be curious, too. She might be thinking we’re out to lure her to a secondary location and turn her into an opal for jewelry. Don’t worry, dear. Neither one of us would be as dastardly as to petrify someone and turn them into jewelry. If we were going to turn them into jewelry, we’d kill them, strip the flesh from their bones, treat the bones, and use the bones.”

  I buckled my seatbelt and wondered if I’d gotten my psychopathic tendencies from my grandparents. “That’s good to know.”

  “I thought so. Since swimming is out, what would you like to do today, dear?”

  “What’s guaranteed to drive my father insane?”

  “Skydiving. He hates planes and believes if gorgons were meant to fly, we’d have wings.”

  “I’ve heard that before,” I muttered, thinking of the mer half of my family, who also viewed flying as abhorrent. “I’m not sure I’m supposed to be skydiving with a concussion. In fact, I’m pretty sure skydiving is off the list of allowed activities.”

  “Since when did you ever listen to the doctor’s orders?”

  I decided my grandmother was the greater threat of the two. “I will be very disappointed if I don’t get my lollipop because we went skydiving today.”

>   “You’ll survive.” She made a thoughtful noise. “Well, maybe. Can never guarantee that when jumping out of a perfectly good plane.”

  At long last, I had finally found my tribe, and I was blessed to share genetic material with them. I thanked every last deity I could think of before replying, “I’m game if you can convince the old man in the driver’s seat.”

  “We’re going skydiving. Now.”

  My grandfather sighed. “Yes, dear.”

  Chapter Eleven

  The first chance I got, I was going to kidnap my mother and toss her out of an airplane. I’d be generous and leash her to a skilled skydiver first, but I’d treasure the moment I punted her ass out of a perfectly good plane so I could listen to her scream.

  I jumped five times before my grandparents convinced me we needed to head home. It had taken all of my grandfather’s black mambas hissing to convince me he meant business, and even then, I cast wistful looks at the small plane and its old, cranky pilot.

  He thought gorgons stank and made no effort to hide his disgust. After living most of my life around mer, who enjoyed fish, I’d gotten used to odd odors. The musk of a gorgon was hardly a blip on my radar. Hundreds of fish heads rotting on the shores of a rainforest had ensured I had a tolerance for nasty smells.

  “One more time?” I begged.

  “No,” my grandparents chorused.

  I returned to my future car, leaned against it, and scowled. “This is cruel and unusual punishment. How could you deny me another chance to fly?”

  I’d learned an important truth. I should’ve been born with wings, and I was happiest the instant I jumped, floating while the wind whipped at me. As soon as I could, I’d learn how to jump alone, taking my fate in my own hands rather than trusting someone else to open the chute so we wouldn’t smack into the ground at terminal velocity.

  “You’ve created a monster,” my grandfather complained.