Underside of Courage (Beautifully Disturbed Series Book 2)

by Sarah Zolton Arthur

  Shit.

  But if he’s already passed out, then I’m not a bad friend? I’ll take care of him tomorrow. Tonight, I need to be with Kip how I need to be with him. No distractions. Nothing between us.

  He walks back into the bedroom carrying a damp washcloth. Always thinking of me.

  “What’s wrong, Col?” He asks, climbing into the bed. “You look… conflicted?”

  I raise my eyebrows in a kind of “yeah” response. Then realize quickly how, given our past, he’d take that ‘yeah’. “I’m not flaking on you. Ben’s passed out on Bri and Errol’s sofa. He won’t be home tonight.”

  “And you’re feeling bad because he needs you?”

  “He needs me. Elle needs me. You need me. No matter which way I go, I’m hurting the other two.”

  “Baby. I’m with you, all the way. You leave to go be with Benton, I’m at your side. So don’t worry about me. Though, if he’s already passed out, there’s not much you can do for him. We’ll take him with us tomorrow when we go back out looking for Elle. But you know we have to regroup, try to form another plan. We’ve searched every place we could think of.”

  “I know.”

  “You’re not a bad friend for getting some sleep tonight so we’re refreshed for tomorrow.”

  He knows as well as I do that with him spending the night, naked next to me, we aren’t getting much sleep anyway.

  “Kip?”

  “Yeah?”

  I used my eyes to motion to the mess I left on my abdomen. Kip, who knows me so well without either of having to speak a word, nods, leans in to kiss my cheek, then he takes the damp washcloth to wipe me down.

  We had this, and I threw it away. I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive myself for throwing us away. But I’ll sure as hell try to make up for it.

  “I’m so sorry Ben is hurting. And fuck, I’m worried sick about Elle. But we have a month of lost time to make up for, and you’re right, I can’t do anything for either of them tonight. I can for you, though. So I plan on making up for every damn minute of that month, Kip.”

  “That’s done.” He tosses the washcloth onto the floor, then shifts to lie on his side so he can kiss me again. Kip drapes one knee over my thigh to lock me down. His arm he rests on my chest, gliding his finger softly, back and forth over the nipple. “Only the future from here on out. I won’t bring up that month if you don’t.”

  Then he brings his lips to mine again.

  He’s true to his word. We spend the night kissing, and talking, with some fucking hot sex thrown in, until I can’t keep my eyes open any longer. Not once does he bring up that month, even when telling me about what he’d done during that month. I did the same.

  “Please, I can’t keep my eyes open. I’m spent.” I snuggle my body against him, using his pecs as my personal pillow.

  “Love you Col.”

  “Love you Kip.”

  His arm goes around my waist. “Sleep,” he orders.

  Who am I to disobey?

  When I open my eyes again, clearly we’re into morning with the sun shining through the slats of the blinds. Kip has his head propped up on a hand, laying on his side, his hand propped up on an elbow, looking down on me. Those big hazel eyes show so much love for me.

  He doesn’t say good morning. No, what he says is so much better. “Missed this,” he says. “Missed you.” See? Better. So much better.

  “Missed you too.”

  “We have to get breakfast. We’re meeting with Errol, Bri and Benton to try and figure shit out. Though we do have time for a shower. I missed showering with you.”

  Showering with Kip has always been an experience. Since the point of a shower is to get clean, we don’t actually have sex but anything short of goes.

  While he’s drying off I rummage through my drawer for a clean shirt for him. Tossing him that rust raglan he’d borrowed so long ago. He slips back on his jeans from yesterday going completely commando because at one point last night he’d used his skivvies to wipe himself down.

  Once we’re both dressed and ready for the day, Operation Find Elle commences, day three. Kip and I head over to The Brew in my car to meet with Errol, Sabrina…and Ben. I’m worried.

  Either Kip has been thinking the same as me during the drive, or he can read me better than just about anyone. I know it’s one of those two because as I drive, he takes my hand, and rests our linked fingers against his thigh.

  We only let go long enough to get out of the car. I take his hand when we meet at the trunk. Not surprisingly, he turns that angelic face on our hands, then on me.

  “Told you I’m serious.” I remind him.

  His lip quirks.

  We have a right to be together. And I find that the more I remind myself, the more I believe it. I’m sure there’ll still be bad days, days where I find it hard to be me. Today is not one of those days.

  He pulls the door open holding it for me like a gentleman.

  Our friends sit at our regular table in the back. Kip and I make a stop at the coffee counter for coffees and pastries, then head back to the group.

  “Collin. Distraction,” Errol greets us.

  Kip and I both snicker, it’s funnier today than it was yesterday. But it’s hard to stay very light when Ben sits in the booth with a coffee, undrunk and a muffin, unbitten. He doesn’t even acknowledge me or Kip. Zoned. No other way to describe him.

  “He’s been like that since yesterday,” Errol continues. “Last night we thought a drink or two might loosen him up, get him back from wherever his brain is at. No luck.”

  “He drank, completely out of it,” Sabrina joins in. “Until he passed out. Woke up the same way. I hope he’s pulling our chains here, otherwise I don’t know what to do.”

  Crap.

  “Ben,” I call out. Nothing. “Fucking hell Ben, look at me.”

  He blinks twice and turns his head as if just noticing my presence. “Hey Col.” Then he begins to zone out again. No way.

  “Uht-uh. Drink. Now.” When he ignores my order and doesn’t pick his cup up, I force it into his hands and lift.

  He gets the hint and takes a sip.

  “Not a baby, brother. You gonna feed me next?” Probably the first words he’s spoken in over twenty-four hours, and they’re smart mouth.

  “Then don’t act like it. Drink. Eat. You don’t I’ll force it down your fucking throat, got me?”

  He might still look out of it, but at least he’s in it enough to bitch at me, which means we haven’t completely lost him.

  “I… I looked. She asked, begged me not to look. I looked. How could I do that when I promised her Col? How could I do that?”

  “What?” Sabrina asks.

  “Look at what?” Errol squeezes Sabrina’s hand because she looks on the brink of tears.

  “The scars. She cuts. Or she did… I don’t know.” Ben sounds like he’s struggling with opening up. Elle should be sharing, it’s her story to tell.

  None of us knew the secret Elle’d been hiding. Her thighs scarred up to hell from knife cuts. I figure self-inflicted, because why else would she hide them so fiercely? Make my boy there promise not to look as a term of their relationship?

  She hadn’t just been wounded, she’d been destroyed, and we went to a funeral instead of trying to fix her broken. I’m every bit as responsible for Elle’s disappearance as Ben.

  But we didn’t know. “It was reflexive,” I answer, because it was. “You didn’t mean to. We’ll find her, you’ll explain.”

  “What if we don’t? What if we don’t find her? Three days she’s been missing now.” Ben takes a drink of his latte, staring off into space again. “You know.” He sets his cup back on the table. “I was shocked. But she’s still beautiful to me.”

  “Of course she is,” Kip speaks up.

  “Who gives a fuck about scarred thighs? All her secretiveness over what? Fucking scars? How could she think I’d care about something so trivial? I’ve been in love with her since freshman year, m
an. Freshman year. We find her, she has some explaining to do.” Ben raps his knuckles on the table a couple times before repeating, “Fucking scars.”

  How do I explain to him? Someone like Ben, who has never known a day where he lacked confidence or worse, love for himself, could never understand. Elle and I aren’t so different. It’s not about the scars themselves, it’s about what those scars represent.

  We don’t know the story behind them, but in the now, the story is inconsequential. Her scars, they’re a manifestation of how she feels about herself. I get it. Kip gets it. Kip gets it because he’s been traveling this journey along with me. Figuring out what no one else ever had. Self-loathing’s a bitch. A straight up, class-A B.I.T.C.H.

  ***

  Three days later…

  Forcing Ben back to class has been a pain in the ass to say the least. He hasn’t said anything, so I’m not sure he even knows Kip and I are back together. We’ve cooled it with the PDA while he’s around, no need to kick a dying horse, or however the saying goes. At least he’s not catatonic anymore. Maybe not totally with it, but passable.

  And we’ve done everything we could do, including filing a missing person police report. We can’t all not graduate because our friend took an unscheduled sabbatical, that’s what we’re calling it for Ben’s benefit. Life has to go on. Not to say we’ve given up. The five of us go out searching every free moment we have, whether together or separately.

  ***

  One week later…

  “Talk to me,” I say into the receiver of my cell, just getting out of my car to head for work. The phone said, Sabrina Calling.

  “Get to Mercy Health, now.”

  Oh no.

  “What’s wrong? Who?”

  “Col, we found her. Errol and I, we found her. She’s bad. God, she’s bad. Get Ben and get down here.”

  “On it.” I hang up without a sign off, then hit Ben’s number immediately. “Hey, what class you in now?”

  “I’m… um… sitting in the foc. I couldn’t—” Ben starts to say.

  “Get out to my car, parked by the Ryker. They found her. We gotta go.”

  A long, drawn out, “fuuuk!” is all I hear before the line disconnects. No more than five minutes passes before I see a head of brown hair sprinting for me. Full-on sprinting.

  “Where… is… she?” Ben asks, panting. He must have run the whole way.

  “Get in.” I motion to my car.

  Once we’re both in and I’ve turned onto the road to lead us off campus, I continue. “She’s at Mercy Health. Bri and Errol found her, but brace brother. Bri says she’s, well she’s not in good shape.”

  “What the hell does that mean?”

  “I don’t know. She didn’t get into it. Just said we needed to get down there. Do me a favor, call Kip. He needs to know she’s been found.”

  Ben nods once, fishing his phone out and dials Kip. “Elle. Mercy Health. We’re heading there now,” is his one sided conversation if you could even call it that. Not sure he even gave Kip the chance to respond before he hung up on him.

  We drive for twenty minutes to get to the hospital. Since I can tell how hard he’s trying not to freak out, I drop him off at the emergency entrance before driving around for another five minutes to find a parking spot. When I make it inside the three of them, Ben, Errol and Bri have commandeered a section of sofa and chairs in the corner of the waiting room. About five minutes after I sit down, Kip speed walks in looking around semi-frantically for us. When he spots me, he walks over a bit slower, a bit calmer now.

  “We hear anything?” he asks.

  “Nope. Waiting game begins,” Sabrina answers. “Might as well cop a squat and get comfy, we’re gonna be here a while.”

  ***

  One day later…

  They moved Elle into a room late last night. We’d all stayed waiting on news. The news wasn’t what we wanted to hear. She’d been power eating chocolate laxatives for the past two weeks. Aside from severe dehydration, she’s messed up her insides. They have a lot more tests to run to find out the extent of damage she’s done to herself. Only one of us was allowed to stay in her room with her last night, and not a one of us was willing to take on Ben. She wasn’t even awake. Didn’t matter to him then, doesn’t matter to him now. He refuses to leave her side.

  I’ll give him that play. She’s been missing for two weeks. He needs to be here. Needs to see she’s alive. But we’ve made a pact, none of us are letting him get out of finishing his classes for the semester. We have to trust the doctors know what they’re doing and can help her.

  Ben and I have our books spread out over the table in the corner of her room getting caught up on homework when Kip walks in with Heron Deli for us. If I didn’t love him before, today would just cement it. We’re both starved, ravenous. It’s been a long study/Elle duty day already and I, for one, am ready for a break.

  “Hey Kip,” Ben greets him. Then he looks from him to me and back to him again. “It’s really cool of you to come here… ” He trails off.

  “Not a problem. Glad I can do something. Wish it was more.”

  “Col, uh… why don’t you go stretch your legs?”

  Kip and I both chuckle. Guess someone hasn’t been paying attention. “No need to leave on my account.” He walks over to us dropping the bag on the table then bends over to kiss me. “Hey baby.”

  “When? How?” Ben asks, and points between the two of us. “You two got back together? Where was I?” Closing his textbook, he reaches for the bag, unwrapping the crinkled top and reaches inside, rooting around until he finds his usual and a bag of chips. He bites into his Cold Cut Combo, waiting for one of us to answer.

  After handing out Kip’s sandwich and chips to him, then opening up mine, answer duty falls on me as Kip takes a big bite out of his Classic Italian. “We got back together day two of Operation Find Elle.”

  Ben swallows his big bite hard. “Um… that was like two weeks ago. Why would you hide it from me Col? Something so huge, I’m kind of hurt here, brother.”

  “Ben. Lord, glad to have you back. We haven’t been hiding it. He’s spent every night at our apartment. We didn’t necessarily flaunt it in your face while Elle was still missing. What kind of shiteous friends would we be? But we weren’t hiding either. You just… ” I chew on my upper lip to think of what I want to say.

  “I just what?” he asks.

  “You just stepped away from reality for a while,” I finish.

  “Took a vacation inside your head,” Kip offers.

  “Filled up some blank space.” My turn again.

  “Took the train to Catatonia.” This from Kip again.

  Ben holds up his hand. “I get it. I get it. Wait, you kissed him, Kip. Weren’t you afraid someone could walk in?”

  “Nope.” I can’t express how proud I am to answer that answer. “Part of the deal. When we were in the cemetery back in Indiana, I don’t know…just figured some shit out.”

  “Thank you Jesus,” Ben says back, then sips on his ice tea.

  “Truth. But in order for Kip to take me back, I had to go public, you know? Live my life with him just the same as you and Elle live yours.”

  “He wasn’t wrong. Been telling you that for years.”

  “You have. It just didn’t click.”

  “That’s because I’m not sleeping with you. Should I have given a little Benton booty?” He laughs. I cringe.

  “Oh god, not. Even if you were gay, could not go there, brother.”

  “I could have gone there,” Kip joins in, sitting eating his sandwich looking all innocent, when I can see he’s trying not to laugh. “I mean, before I met Col, of course.”

  “Of course,” Ben says right when I ball up my paper and throw it at Kip’s head and say, “Jackass.”

  ***

  One month later…

  Ben leads Elle by the hand into Bri and Errol’s small living room where we’ve all converged to see our friend finally out of the hospital
. Ben, from the sound of it, really got to see Elle. My boy didn’t waste any time. Can’t say I blame him. When Kip and I got back together, it took us a day to end up in flagrante delicto, and he and Elle have been apart almost twice as long.

  Yeah, I look up when they enter, and grin my knowing grin. Both Errol and Kip match my grin. Sabrina, she’s beaming.

  “Sweetheart, you look thoroughly fucked,” I tell our girl, Elle, honestly.

  Kip sits close to me on their ugly nineteen eighties brown, pleather sectional. Twenty dollar thrift store find, and half of it’s a pullout. Errol and Bri were super proud of their find. I can’t help think Mrs. Dan—er—Mom could give them some pointers.

  Elle looks at me in that ‘if looks could kill’ way she has, but I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t give her shit now and again.

  A month in the hospital doesn’t count as an excuse. While she was in the hospital, sure. But I know she knows that if I started treating her differently from how we used play, I’d be looking at her differently.

  Not my Elle. I’ll never look at her differently.

  “’Bout damn time,” I keep it going. “You kept our boy waiting for far too long. Judging from your appearance, he let you know it too…over and over again.”

  “Oh my god, Collin.” She screams at me, patting down her hair as she stands there wearing nothing but Ben’s shirt. She’s so cute.

  So many jokes here, her screaming my name. I’ll let them slide for now.

  “I’m just gonna… ” She thumbs back to her room.

  “Need any help with that?” Ben waggles his eyebrows suggestively. Jackass. He’ll be lucky if she lets him anywhere near her nether regions if he keeps his teasing up. One thing for me to embarrass her, I’m not sleeping with her.

  “No!” She’s exasperated, Ben has that way about him. “I mean yes but… ” Her eyes dart around the room stopping on each of us briefly.

  “It’s all right,” Sabrina teases her now. “Not like we didn’t know what was up in there.”

  Yes, embarrassed and exasperated. We’re grateful to have Elle home.