« It was never really a chance. And you don’t need to talk me into it. We can go when...»
I left my phrase unfinished, not knowing at all how to end it.
«How do you feel now that they’re married?»
I shrugged my shoulders. «I’m glad and sorry at the same time. It was their own fault we weren’t at their wedding. Everything would have changed with their apology.»
We walked a while longer before either of us spoke.
«Isn’t it strange? Some things change, even though you’re not there to see them for yourself. When we go to Greece, you’ll find them married. Ellie may even be pregnant... So desperately different to how it all was before you left. It feels as though somehow everything is a game, but we don’t have a clue who set the rules or who our rivals are. It’s like playing against yourself.»
«Honey pie, you’re doing what you always do when you’re sleepy.»
«What’s that?»
«Dabbling in philosophy.»
«I love it that you know me so well», she said and hugged me tight. We kissed, mid-stride. We were almost home.
We were two young souls in love, both betrayed before, but who had managed to get back on their feet again, joining forces to forge a new, beautiful life. We lived each and every moment for its uniqueness. We consciously tried to strengthen our relationship from day to day, we read poetry to each other, we laughed, we took endless walks in the rain.
I suddenly realized that my life was like a chocolate cake, cut through by the knife of a relationship, into two equal pieces: freedom and love. There were no promises liken the proverbial cherries on top. It was the most delectable sweetness I had ever tasted...
43
Two years passed, and, suddenly, we were twenty-six years old — and still somehow caught up in a kind of adolescence. All around us, it seemed as if everyone was falling into marriage, and then beginning families. Though we smiled and wished congratulations upon congratulations, we didn’t care much for it all. We felt we still had many years ahead of us to live and love, unfettered.
A dream of us, in a garden like paradise, showed us waiting for the seeds we had so carefully sown to send down roots, and send their green shoots up. While we waited for the trees to bear fruit, refreshing rain fell upon us, and from the blackening sky, thunder rattled and bellowed, over and over.
Climbing out from the depths of that dream garden, it was not thunder, but the phone ringing that woke me. The terror of this phone call in the middle of the night clawed at my chest.
«Vassilis, I am so sorry to wake you like this... Michalis is in ICU. He had a motorbike accident and he’s lost his entire left arm», I heard Thanos sobbing.
Paralysed, there was nothing I could say. My lip broke open, bleeding, from the way I bit into it from shock. So much like the wound Michalis had left me with, seven years before.
«What happened?» Angelique asked me, terrified.
I actually don’t remember if I answered her, or even if I said anything more to Thanos. Perhaps I just hung up on him. My first reaction was to get myself to Greece, and fast. Many frantic phone calls later, our flights had been booked for a few hours later that morning. Pavlos agreed to rush me to the airport. A littler later, unlocking the door at his knocking, suitcase in hand, my heart stopped at the sound of the phone ringing again. If one phone call in the middle of the night is ominous, two forebodes a tragedy.
«Vassilis... He’s gone.»
With no words left to say, I put down the phone. My brother came inside, closing the door without a sound behind him. The look on my face was proof enough of what I had heard. We drowned in the silence. No longer did we have to rush. There was nothing more to save.
Eventually, I felt I should still go to Greece. Pavlos drove us to the airport, sunk deep into our sadness and silence. Climbing out the car at Heathrow, I walked wordlessly ahead of my brother and my girlfriend.
«Pavlos, you don’t have to stay. Thank you for driving us here», were all I had left to say, tears trickling down my face, tears I had long trapped behind the bars of my stubborn composure.
He didn’t say anything. He just touched my shoulder in compassion and kissed Angelique goodbye.
We turned and walked towards the inevitable queuing and rigmarole before boarding. At last on the other side, we sat side by side on a cold, metal bench. Elbows on my knees, head in my hands, Angelique stroked my hair gently. We continued our soundless conversation on the plane. Though we didn’t articulate a single word, we hadn’t stopped talking. Lovers’ telepathy.
«Don’t blame yourself or let remorse overwhelm you because you decided to not be their best man. Nothing would have changed», she layered the conversation with sound now. She knew what I was thinking.
«Had I accepted...»
«Sweetheart, how could you have known that such a thing would happen?» she said, trying to banish those thoughts that buzzed like bees in the ears of my conscience.
With just the touch of her hand, she calmed me, like a mother comforting her child after a terrible nightmare. Her hand shut tight in mine, I watched the ground rushing past, before I closed my eyes with the thought that I was flying at last — free of everything. Flying high above the clouds, I would meet Michalis, where we would have our last conversation, our last discussion, and perhaps even the apology I had waited so long for.
Now, though, I wasn’t quite sure who owed whom an apology.
My eyes opened, and I realised I was still safely seat-belted in. Angelique looked at me tenderly.
«Get some sleep», she said. «We have four hours to go.»
«I’m afraid I’ll never travel this route without a terrible event haunting me», I told her in fear.
It wasn’t only fear.
Against my will, I dozed off dreamlessly. My thoughts churned round and round, even in sleep. In just a few hours, I would be reunited with people I hadn’t seen in seven years. Natalia, Ellie, Aunt Urania, Uncle Haralambos and… Michalis.
Why had I never returned to Greece in those seven years? How could I possibly have spent all this time on my own, far away from the people who raised me and loved me? Far from Natalia and Thanos? Why didn’t I go back for summer holidays? To feel the heat of the sun burn my skin, to dive deep beneath the waves to ease it. Why didn’t I ever return, sit at a tavern by the sea and enjoy fresh fish on the grill, washed down by an icy beer?
Perhaps it was taking those first words of Angelique as my heart’s new law: Never look back. The only thing you’ll find is what you left behind or what let you go. I had not left the family that raised me in my heart, nor did they let me go from theirs. Still, I hadn’t physically been in their presence for seven years. My mind was awash with confusion and questions. It was probably the scant oxygen inside the plane to blame — who knows?
My thoughts plummeted into a nightmare, plunging me deeper into my agitated wondering. How would my reunion with Ellie go? What would we say? What should we say?
44
The warmth of Angelique’s hand against my cheek woke me. «We’re landing.»
Upon touchdown, I knew only a few moments separated me from those waiting for us in the arrivals lounge. Thanos and Natalia stood quietly beside the entrance. I embraced my cousin at last, and Thanos greeted Angelique with a kiss. All was hushed and contrite.
«How are you, my sweet girl? If you hadn’t sent me photos, I would never have recognised you now», I said to Natalia, exaggerating about how much she had changed. «This is Angelique.»
«I’m so happy to finally meet you», they said at the same time, and hugged.
We walked towards Thanos’ car.
«We’ll pop by my folks, alright?» Natalia almost whispered to him when we were all in the car.
«I know», he replied, turning the engine.
In the front, Thanos and I sat quietly, while the girls, behind us, spoke in low voices. Your Greek is very good, I heard Natalia say to Angelique.
«How’s E
llie?» I asked Thanos softly.
«How is she? Lost in space.»
Thanos was the one most in pain. He had grown up beside Michalis. He had known him like a brother for twenty years. He had shared all his good and bad moments with him. His grief, though, he would now only share with me.
We reached the square where the restaurant and apartment were; where I had spent most of my life; where I had learnt all my childhood games; where I had first begun to dream. Looking around, very little had changed, and yet, so much had.
«Vassilis, my boy!» exclaimed Aunt Urania, throwing her arms around me.
«How are you, Aunt?»
She placed her palms lovingly against my cheeks. «How much you’ve grown...»
I smiled at her, saying nothing. Behind her stood Uncle Haralambos. I had missed his steady, predictable calmness.
«Hello, Uncle.»
«Hello, my boy», he said and pulled me into a hug. When I finally managed to extricate myself from their embraces, I introduced them to Angelique.
We walked into the sitting room, which had stayed exactly the same. Only one new thing had been added: a framed photograph of Pavlos, Samantha, Angelique and me. We had sent it along with a Christmas card, a few years before.
The whole atmosphere hung upon a mournful note as though a pianist had become stuck, depressing the low C in rhythmic fixation. With mechanical smiles, we were unable to express any happiness. Raw grief oozed from every word and glance. Lunch was an agony of no prayer or toast. Someone managed to extend an official sort of welcome, and then the words May this be the last calamity that befalls us fell out of someone’s mouth.
After we arranged for dinner to be held at my aunt’s, we left for my house at the sea. As we drove closer, I saw it standing neglected among towering grasses and weeds. It welcomed me without a smile, and without bemoaning my abandonment.
«Natalia and your aunt gave it an airing about a week ago. The garden obviously needs of lot of work and a good clearing. We usually deweed it this time of year», Thanos said like in apology. «Oh! Natalia and I will go to Ellie this evening. Do you want to come with us?»
«Yeah, sure. What time are you going?»
«Around seven.»
«I’ll make sure we’re ready», I said, patting him kindly pat on the back. «Thanks for the lift.»
«Anytime», he replied gently, and walked away to his car.
I unlocked the door and stepped inside. The unchanged interior threw me into a paradox of emotion: relief that my house had stayed the same, and despair that this very sameness held me fast to that terrible last night.
I felt Angelique’s arm around my waist. «So, this is it.»
«Yes. Come to see the veranda.»
The luminous Friday afternoon met us half way to the veranda’s door. Opening the glass doors, a fresh breeze rushed past us into the house.
Angelique squinted to protect her eyes, and her hair was caught wildly in the wind. Taking her in my arms, we wordlessly agreed to end our silence. Suddenly, she broke free from my embrace and walked to the very edge of the veranda. She leaned deeply over the marble balustrade to watch the gentleness of the waves against the rocks below. I followed her and my arms encircled her again.
«It’s so wild. Majestic», she said, turning around to me. «Watching it makes me feel free. You should bring Ellie here. It could be just what she needs right now.»
Back inside, I gave her the grand tour. She asked if, while we were there, we could spend our nights in the attic. I agreed. From its small window, I showed her the lighthouse, miles away, imperiously awaiting its night shift.
«Thanos told me that Michalis had his accident on his way there», I said. «I so clearly remember when I drove along that very road with Pavlos. Who would have thought that there I would lose someone who I then considered my friend?»
«He will always be your friend, no matter what happened.»
«I will never be able to let go of my regret at retaliating the way I did… But I will also never be able to relinquish my belief that it was all his own fault.»
I was overwhelmingly bitter, still twisted by that long-ago betrayal and yet pitifully sorry for what had happened. In the deepest part of me, I knew I was the one who was most right. The arrows of friendship were buried inextricably in the thickened shield of my ego. There was nothing I could do now to change everything. I was helplessly sorry.
45
At 7 pm, Thanos and Natalia came to pick us up to Ellie’s house. Her mother opened the door, surprised to see me. I remembered her as a younger woman, and because she was so touched to see me again, I kept my face from showing my thoughts on how she had aged. Standing behind her, Ellie’s father shared his wife’s emotion.
Each room in their house was heavy with mourners in black. Ellie was nestled protectively in their presence. I struggled to recognise her. Seeing me, her eyes betrayed a mystery I could not fathom.
«Thank you for coming, Vassilis» she said, her voice hoarse from so many tears cried.
We held each other.
«I am so sorry, Ellie. For everything.»
«So am I», she whispered in return.
How much she had changed... Her hair had been cut short, her face lined faintly with age. Maybe grief had suddenly placed them there that very day. A tear slid slowly down her cheek, her other eye about to spill over too. She wiped away her tears with her hand. I had mistaken the emptiness in her eyes for mystery. No feelings had a right to intrude there. She did not want to use her words, she did not want to shout and sob, she did not want to protest. She could only weep in the breaking burden of her tragedy.
Though I could only imagine how desperately awkward it would be for them, I introduced Angelique to her.
When Ellie left us, we huddled together in a corner, returning to talk of the accident with Thanos and Natalia. It fell upon Michalis after he had fled the house following a quarrel with Ellie. In the heat of his anger, he turned a corner too violently and his motorbike fell down, hurtling across the road and crashing into the barricade. His helmet protected him from nothing but scratches and bruising upon his face, leaving his head irreparably injured. A motorist following behind him stopped and called an ambulance. Barely alive, but having lost an arm, they rushed him to the nearest hospital.
Overcome with horror, Angelique walked away from us. I followed her to try to calm her down. It was the first time I had ever seen her in shock.
«It is all just so scary», she whispered, shaking like a leaf. I would soon learn the real reason why she was in such a state — the result of her past and her losses. But not only hers...
46
The funeral was held the next morning. With the ironically cheerful promise of spring, we gathered around the gaping grave of the young man with whom we had all shared many moments in our lives. It was a performance without a script, exaggeratedly emotional and dressed in the dull, dead clothes of mourning.
Moments of surreal confusion crept up on me, when I thought I had arrived at the wrong funeral and that when the casket was opened, there would be a pale stranger instead of my old friend. But when the lid was finally pulled back, the waxen mask of his face took me straight to the past, to that very night of our last encounter.
With the muffled slamming shut of the casket, his face could only be conjured again through memories and photographs. His mother and Ellie sobbed and wailed, making sense only, perhaps, to God. The rest of our tears fell soundlessly.
They started lowering the coffin into the dug pit. Ellie was the one to throw the first handful of earth, turning it into mud with her tears. There was one handful from each of us and then the coffin started to fade away.
It was so strange a sensation.
When the handfuls were over, the spades started working. Before long, the pit was filled with soil. Everyone started leaving. Angelique and I placed a bouquet of flowers and stayed there, over the tomb.
Who could have imagined that, Michalis… I am so
rry for what happened. And for what did not happen and could have happened, I told him with silent words, hoping he could hear me, equipped — as he must have been now — with metaphysical powers.
47
Midnight was silent in our attic hideaway as we lay in each other’s arms.
«What upset you so badly when Thanos told us about the accident?» I asked eventually.
She took a long time before replying. Her eyes shut tightly closed, I thought she might have fallen asleep.
«It reminded me of the accident my grandparents had. I’ve never told you how they were killed.» She twisted out from my arms, and sat up beside me, knees drawn pensively up to her chin. «They used to travel a lot around Europe, sending me postcards from every town and village they passed through. One time, they decided to travel the entire length and breadth of England. A month later, and having completed their hop on hop off trip, they were travelling back to London, when their train was derailed by a car, which had jumped a crossing. A suicide, apparently… I was only five years old.»
I fought with the words I was hearing.
She smiled through her sadness. «Death sometimes can be strangely witty... They found Granny and Grandpa naked, one flesh, bloody and almost mutilated. Can you believe it? They were making love in their cabin, when the train crashed.»
It was disturbingly beautiful. But a thorn had lodged in my heart.
«When exactly did that happen?»
«Almost twenty years ago.»
I looked at her, shock forcing the thorn even deeper into my heart’s flesh. «On July 21st?»
«Yes. I didn’t remember I had already told you the story…»
Dumbstruck, I began to see that the thorn worrying itself deeper and deeper into my heart was a sickening realisation. «My precious Angelique, the car that derailed your grandparents’ train... it was my parents’ car.»
A Life In A Moment Page 11