A Life In A Moment
Page 12
Our mouths were agape in the face of this unbearable knowledge, as if we wanted the facts to rush inside us like air into our lungs, and be absorbed into the blood of our understanding. This twisted trick of fate, this devastating coincidence was too much to comprehend within the reality that had brought us together.
48
A persistent ring of the doorbell woke us. Angelique rushed downstairs to get the door, and, moments later, I found her awkwardly holding its handle.
«I’ll go get our things packed», she told me, before forcing a polite smile at Ellie. As she was passing me by on her way to the stairs, her hand stroked me meaningfully on the shoulder.
«I came because I want us to talk», said Ellie.
I nodded my head. «Would you prefer to talk outside?»
She forged a hard smile from the warped face of her grief and we headed to the veranda.
«It was always so beautiful here. So serene.»
«Yes...»
«It seems too long since our last gathering here together. How long has it actually been?»
«About a decade...?»
She nodded, mentally flipping the photographs of her memory from that time. She hung back in silence for a while, as if gathering strength from it.
«We all made mistakes, Vassilis. Many mistakes.»
I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t say anything.
«Don’t take this the wrong way, but you did overreact», she said, seemingly maintaining her composure and looking out to sea.
«Excuse me?»
«We were teenagers, Vassilis. We knew nothing about life. And at the first mistake we made, you ran away. You didn’t stay even for one more day to confront us and hear us out. Did you ever think how foolish and childish was your reaction?»
Unjust fists, her words slammed again and again into my face.
«What happened was obviously wrong, but it was not the end of the world. It was hardly a tragedy, but still, you ran away and it took you seven year to come back…»
«Ellie... After these seven years apart, we’re drawn together because of Michalis’ death, and you’re coming here to tell me this?»
«Running away was easy», she obliterated my words with her own. «Never once did you think about what the world you were leaving behind would be like after you left. For all the furtive excitement I shared with Michalis, he knew I was always unswayingly in love with you. The fights and arguments about it never ceased. It was one of these quarrels that drove him out the house that night.»
My presumption that she had come for some sort of consolation or advice, on how to build her life again, was swept away by her bitter perception of reality. My frustration and anger slowed my heart into an agony of paralysis.
«Ellie, I got the hell out of your lives when we were all nineteen. It’s been seven years since then. I’ve been able to build a wonderful life there and I’m incredibly proud of it. It is not my fault if you were not able to rebuild your life here.»
Hearing my own words, I suddenly realized how desperately she grasped for something, anything, to help make sense of her disaster, her devastation. Her despair was distorting, and though I could now understand where she was coming from, I just couldn’t bring myself to take up the blame she pushed at me like a warrant of arrest.
«Why did you never once contact me, Ellie? Did you not believe you needed to say sorry to me?»
«Vassilis, if I had tried to get back in touch with you, Michalis’ jealousy would have become a fire I could never then put out.»
«So, let me get this right. It was Michalis who didn’t want to apologise?»
Her face darkened, almost in resignation. «No. He didn’t believe he owed one at all, but let’s admit it, Vassilis: you were never truly friends with him. You hung out together, that’s all. The two of you competed constantly against each other. And if you can be honest with yourself, you left that night because you had lost to him. You didn’t leave because you had lost me.»
«Ellie! How can you think like that?»
I dived deep into the sea of that time, to see if I could find the truth, to hunt out if she was right at all. The sea became more and more murky, menace lurking in the dark. Kicking hard away from the depths, I fled whatever might attack from inside the darkness of my memories.
«When Michalis sent Thanos to ask you to be our best man, even then it was to deal his last blow. He was absolutely sure you wouldn’t accept — and that was exactly why I was desperate that you would! Then, at least, your silly game would have ended in a draw. But you fell straight into his trap.»
I looked away, hiding my eyes from her searching ones. I hated what she’d said, but there was more to come:
«Don’t go back. Stay here, with me. I need you», I heard her say.
This woman standing before me was not the Ellie I knew. She was weak. Pitiable. A woman who had deluded herself into believing I would stay to take care of her, love her and take revenge against the ghost of Michalis. She had single-handedly made me despise her.
«Ellie, I feel as though I never really knew you. I wonder if Michalis married the Ellie I knew, or the one standing before me.»
Her fixed stare showed no signs of her listening to me.
«What does she have that I don’t?»
«Ellie, enough! You have to understand that you need to get over this terrible shock and grief of yours. And you will. And then it will be time to get on with your life. On your own. You’re still young.»
Angelique stepped onto the veranda. Looking at her, I realised how incredibly lucky I was. Her presence dragged me from the quicksand of Ellie’s accusations, blaming and perplexing mysteriousness.
«Our bags are packed.»
«When are you leaving?»
«Tonight», I said, walking closer to Angelique in a show of love and allegiance.
We saw Ellie off at the door. Angelique tried to encourage her with a few words, and she thanked us for everything, wishing us a safe journey. Her eyes softened into a helpless sweetness that I wondered if our conversation on the veranda had been just a figment of my imagination.
49
On our way to the airport that evening, we dropped by my aunt’s to say goodbye. Though they promised to accept our invitation to visit us in London, we all knew deep down they would not.
Standing at Departures, an hour later, Natalia hugged Angelique:
«It was really lovely to meet you! It’s just such a pity that we didn’t have enough time to really get to know each other.»
My French girl smiled back, in a promise to spend together all the time in the world the next time we would meet.
«So long», chose Thanos as his goodbye.
The day before, at the lighthouse, we had talked about everything. Driving along Michalis’ route, we stopped at his crash site in a humbly silent tribute to him. Wordlessly, we eventually made our way back to the car and headed to the lighthouse.
«Are you coping with all this?» I asked him, breaking into his mute distraction.
«I don’t know. Natalia says I haven’t processed what’s happened.»
We shared our unspoken thoughts for minutes at a time, and then tuned out into our separate silences, which rhymed with the waves against the rocks below.
«How do you think Ellie’s going to cope? What will she do?» I asked.
«What is she supposed to do? What do you expect her to do? She’ll cry until her grief runs dry, and then carry on. That’s what we’ll all do. It’s all we can do.»
«Thank goodness they didn’t have children.»
«Yes. Thank God», he said, and after a short pause:
«How about you? How has all of this affected you?»
The pause between us stretched and stretched until my answer snapped us back into the moment. «I was devastated. Especially for Ellie’s sake. But, if I have to be completely honest, I lived the last seven years as though Michalis were already dead. Perhaps if I had been here and never left, it may have been different. I don’t
really think his death will affect me much more than it already has.»
«I can’t blame you for feeling like that.»
And now, at the airport, he stood with me wearing the same lost face he had worn at the funeral. I wanted to ask him to take care of Ellie, to keep her from drowning in the darkness of her mind. I wanted to tell him about that her morning visit and the strange words we’d exchanged. I didn’t. I was still battling with my confusion of whether her words had come from her truest heart or whether they had been dictated by the grief in her soul. Sometimes pain drives us to say things we don’t mean and then later, don’t even remember having said. It is always the words we regret, rather than the silences. This is why grief has to be mute.
At last, we said our goodbyes, promising to see each other again soon, on a happy occasion. It was the same promise we had made to each other in London. A promise that fate had broken. I hoped with all my heart this one would remain untouched.
50
A film of many moments runs before my eyes, as though someone had been watching my life very closely, and captured fragments of it to show me: Angelique patiently teaching me how to sew on buttons, Samantha cooking pasta for us, Pavlos cursing and kicking his car’s flat tyre, Bob gulping his beer down so fast it spilled wetly down his shirt, our regulars shouting their team on to score another goal, Angelique stepping naked and steaming from the shower, myself preparing a lavish English breakfast one lazy Saturday morning...
My life in London was beautiful. No. It was actually my life with Angelique that was beautiful. She was the reason I didn’t realise how time crept up on us. Suddenly, I was thirty years old. Thirty!
As Angelique kissed me Happy Birthday, I realised we had been together for seven years. Seven entire years and still, I wasn’t bored. Even our day-to-day routines and rituals satisfied me with their daily joy. Our breakfasts, our quarrels, our going to sleep, our phoning each other during the day.
One languorous Saturday morning, still in bed, we leafed idly through a tourist guide on Europe, toying with the idea of a spontaneous little holiday somewhere new. And when the pages on Strasbourg caught us by surprise, we chose it without a single word between us. It was a sign that it was about time for me to meet her parents. We smiled the very same smile. A smile that shone with serendipity.
51
Angelique’s jovial, kindly father — a middle-aged, greying Frenchman with a thickish, red bulb of a nose — met us at the railway station. From across the platform, his eyes spoke to me, saying something I will never forget:
We share the same pain; we both lost our parents in the very same accident.
Days later, he told us how irrevocably lucky Angelique and I were because our lives have been bound together forever in a metaphysical knot.
You two will never separate.
Her mother was strikingly different to her daughter. She was a quiet woman, occupied with literature, domesticity, and confectionery, which she utterly adored. Each meal was decadently finished off with sweets, pastries, tarts and cakes I had never tasted before. In all, I sampled thirteen different desserts, some drizzled in molten chocolates — white, milk and dark —, others layered in cream, fruits, nuts...
«Around here, those who have vineyards make their own wine, just like you do in Greece», her father said, filling our glasses with their homemade wine.
The swirl of wine in my mouth was summery sweet, and scented with cedar — just as he had told me.
«Hmm, tres jolie!» I complimented in French, hoping to make a good impression with my pretentious accent. Each time I spoke, Angelique hung her pride on my words; whenever I finished a phrase, she rewarded me with a smile like a satisfied teacher, proud of her student’s progress.
The youngest member of the family was her twenty-year-old brother. Shy and of few words, he gave the illusion of being quite unremarkable until his feet touched a ball.
«He’s amazing, isn’t he?» his father exclaimed, beaming, while we watched his son’s mastery over the ball. He drew enormous pleasure from telling me his son’s story, which involved football academies, talent scouts and a knee injury, putting paid to potentially fame-filled football career.
During our stay, we slept in Angelique’s childhood bedroom.
«Hmm, just as I suspected: ultra girly — dolls here, dolls there, dolls everywhere! And the prettiest doll of them all… in my arms», I said as I hugged her. «You may laugh, but I’ve always found porcelain dolls quite scary.»
«What?» She laughed.
«Hey, don’t laugh! It’s really not a laughing matter. Lots of people are scared of porcelain dolls.»
Angelique frowned in mock concern. «Don’t worry. I’ve known them for years. They’d never hurt you.»
Lying together in bed that night, we chatted about her family.
«I really like your family», I told her. «You all seem very close to each other.»
Her face took on a serene look. «Yes, I’m lucky to have grown up the way I did.»
«Do you think our children would like visiting their grandparents?» I asked, waiting for her reaction.
She looked slowly and pensively back at me.
«Why? Have you thought of producing a grandchild for them?»
I pinched her pert little French nose playfully. «Haven’t you?»
She smiled. And that smile was the deepest one she had ever given me.
52
We enjoyed five quietly relaxing days together in her family’s cottage. We ate delicious food, exquisite desserts and pastries, we drank perhaps too much wine, we played board games, we walked in the countryside with her father…
«I like you, young man. You and my daughter seem to be a perfect match», he confessed while the two of us walked through the farmlands behind their cottage.
I had long been anticipating this talk. And so had Angelique, and dispensed the advice she thought might comfort me in the face of the talk.
«I’ve never seen my daughter like this, Vassilis. Just looking at you has her smiling to herself. This is all I have ever wanted for her.»
«We both know that your daughter deserves the world.»
«And that is why you must make sure she will want for nothing. And I don’t mean only materially.»
«I will do my utmost.»
«I am not going to say anything about marriage to either of you. I know she’s not interested yet. It’s a different era, you see. It’s up to the two of you to get married whenever you feel the time is right. But if by God’s will you have a child, then I’d like it to be legitimate. Perhaps see it as a favour to honour me. Alright?»
Angelique’s advice rang in my head: Say yes to whatever he asks you.
«Yes.»
53
Angelique and I arrived back to London as two different people. We were no longer simply two young lovers, but two hearts who had outspokenly pledged to live the rest of their lives as one.
It wasn’t merely my meeting her parents that had made me look in that direction; it was their goodness and all of our shared moments. I was almost overwhelmed by how much I desired more of it. I wanted to have my own family. It wasn’t about a biological clock that was ticking. It was about choice. I wanted this something, and I could have it. So did Angelique.
«So, are you seriously contemplating marriage?» Pavlos asked me at some point, after his quiet listening to my many thoughts.
«Why not? We’ve been together for seven years. We’re happy, we already live like a married couple. We’ve agreed, though, that, until a child comes along, there’s no reason why we should do the whole ceremony thing, but still, we save money and...»
«That’s great then! I can’t wait for there to be a child in the family — at last!» he said, bitterness spilling over into his smile.
«You don’t have to wait for ours, Pavlos. Natalia’s giving birth in two months!»
Thanos’ handwriting, in a letter he had sent us some months before, shouted the good news:
Hold your horses! Angelique will christen the baby!
Angelique and I revelled in the almost magical exuberance of Natalia’s pregnancy. It would be the first child in the family, and, as if she knew how impatient we all were, the magnificent baby girl arrived two months early.
The first grandchild for Aunt Urania and Uncle Haralambos. I could just see them arriving in the maternity ward, bearing flowers, sweets, balloons and teddy bears. Natalia would hand the little princess over to my uncle first, simply to make Aunt Urania jealously long-faced, though she would forget all about it as soon as she held the little one in her own arms.
Thanos would be standing on the outermost edge of the moment, terrified they might drop her on the floor. And when it was for Natalia to hold their baby girl to her breast for the first time, he would look on helplessly, almost paralysed by its intense, miraculous beauty.
I was happy for them, but sad I couldn't be there to see all this for myself.
54
Thinking that the pub now looked old-fashioned, Pavlos and I decided to have it renovated. We hunted down an interior designer who more than met our brief, as the mood board and layout he finally presented to us was so much better than we had imagined. What we now needed to do was to hand over the brief and the pub keys to an interior decorating team, and head off on holiday. When we arrived back home, the pub would be ready.
We booked our flights to Greece to arrive a few days before the christening so the little one could get used to our presence before the big day. Angelique was proud and excited about soon becoming a godmother. She would read the Creed over and over again, until she was able to say it by heart. And though she wasn’t quite sure of the Greek words’ exact meaning, my writing them out in the English alphabet meant that she would at least get her pronunciation right. Knowing it was nearly impossible for an outsider to perform perfectly, I led her to believe her recitation was faultless. As the christening drew closer, we held a few rehearsals for her to practise. One thing she was perfectly sure of, and that was the baby’s name: Emilia. After Thanos’ mother.