Munmun

by Jesse Andrews

“Yewess government decided, we can’t let anyone slip below tenthscale, so we’ll backstop them with fivehundo, and that’s minmun, they could change the number at anytime,” said Elm.

  He silently watched me realize things.

  “Prettynice of the government, I guess,” I concluded.

  “Well, is it?” he asked. “I mean, don’t you wonder, why fivehundred? How did they settle on tenthscale?”

  DREAMWORLD

  Brave druggy me took the question to Hue soonafter, marching into his office afterschool with bright wild eyes and cool sweatless skin feeling sharp as heck in my mesh jacket and slinky jeans.

  “Hue, I know you enjoy realtalking with me, furthermore frank exchanges are the essence of democracy, so with all that said, let’s talk about minmun,” I told him.

  But he didn’t hear or see me, so I had to hop up onto a chair and groove and boogie until I had his attention.

  “Well hello there, Warner, how is everything going,” said alwayspolite Hue.

  “Firstofall, it’s going amazing, feel free to ask Markfive to tell you about my progress in detail, everything’s incredible, success is inevitable, infact I want you to completely forget that I ever asked to stick with Lifty, that was the thinking of a loser who disrespects himself and those around him, I’ve completely moved on and can’t wait to achieve the most glorious results,” I announced.

  “Well, that’s great to hear, just keep your eyes on the prize,” chuckled Hue.

  “Now I’d like to make a suggestion to you, a new policy for your platform, I really think this could be a gamechanger,” I said.

  “Well, I guess I’m all ears,” he said.

  “I think you should announce, hey people, heresthedeal, if you make me the countyboss of all of Lossy Indica, here’s what I’m going to do,” I said.

  I paused because I really wanted him to wait for it.

  “Did you forget what you were going to say,” said Hue.

  “Nope,” I said.

  “You were just quiet for a while,” said Hue.

  “You’re going to announce that you’re raising minmun,” I triumphed.

  Hue rolled his lips into his mouth and nodded a painfull nod of, Oh, that.

  “Raise minmun from fivehundo to, just throwing this out there, fivethousand,” I said. “And no one will be littler than fifthscale everagain! No more catattacks, no more hawkattacks, no one’s drowning in the gutter, and probably everyone can use hospitals now, what an amazing and generous place Lossy Indica is, mostofall its king, Hue, thatsyou bytheway.”

  Hue grimaced, held up a finger of, one sec, I have to take this, tapped his ear, and stood quickly to face a camera.

  “Violet, thanks for having me,” he beamed, “in a way it’s an honor to be personally insulted by the president, it’s also very sweet of him to worry about this supposed buttcancer that is sapping me of all my strength and dignity, I guess that must mean I can’t do these anymore,” and he grabbed a pullup bar and loudly counted ten swift pullups.

  “Now, you might be asking, well then is the president the one who has buttcancer,” Hue wondered, “but I’m not even going to go there, howabout we just focus on the issues, thanks for having me.”

  And he tapped his ear again and sat back down, redfaced.

  “Sorry, Warner, okay, now let’s think about what you’re proposing,” panted Hue. “Because a minmun of fivethousand adds up to a lot of munmuns that the government would have to provide.”

  “Hmmm, is it really that much though, considering what you get, the lives you improve and save, isn’t that basically priceless,” I asked.

  “Well, let’s estimate the cost,” he said. “Lossy Indica has a population of about fifteenmillion, twelvemillion at middlescale or littler, probably about fivemillion fifthscale or below. Let’s be generous and say, onaverage, those fivemillion need twothousand in their scale to reach a minmun of fivethousand. Probably it’s closer to threethousand, but let’s lowball and say twothousand. That’s tenbillion munmuns. I have to tell you the government doesn’t have that kind of munmun just lying around.”

  “Okay,” I said. “Okay. Yes. Okay.”

  He gave me that sad smile again, I was getting to know it pretty well bynow.

  “But,” I said, “here’s how to get your tenbillion, you got threemillion Lossy Indicans above middlescale, maybe just ask them for fourthousand each, sure it’s not nothing, a little taxhike forsure, but not even onepercent of their scale account. Here’s your slogan, Lose An Inch, Save A Life, I mean who’s the psycho who doesn’t want to be a lifesaver.”

  “Sure,” agreed Hue, “and let me tell you what will happen if I do that, if I announce this plan today, tomorrow my Orange enemies make some vids called WHERE WILL IT END??, today Hue asks for an inch of your height for giveaways to littles who refuse to earn a bigger scale the honest way, and Warner ofcourse that’s their words, not mine, but that’s what they’ll say, they’ll say today Hue wants an inch for minmun, tomorrow Hue will take another inch to pay for littleroads you won’t use, the day after that Hue needs three of your inches to build littleschools your kids won’t attend, it’s never going to end. So vote Orange and keep your scale and your nice life.”

  He watched me plan out my response, he’s played this chessgame tons of times and I’m a beginner.

  “But there are more littles than bigs,” I said. “So you could still get enough votes to beat those evil lying Oranges.”

  “Except littles don’t vote as much as bigs do,” said Hue.

  “Make them vote,” I said.

  “Believe me, we try,” said Hue.

  “Okay, then only take munmuns from the super big,” I said, getting desperate. “Take away a foot from everyone threescale or taller, I mean that’s got to be tons of munmun and who cares if you’re already twentyfeet?”

  “Sure, and if that’s your plan, let me ask you something,” said Hue. “Have you ever been to Balustrade?”

  I shook my head.

  “None of the homes there are attached to the ground,” said Hue.

  He gave me a silence to solve the riddle in, but it didn’t seem like a riddle, more of a hilarious screwup by crazy riches, homes sliding around like wild, who even knows what those giant brains are thinking.

  “Gotta be honest, that sounds a little dangerous and stupid,” I said.

  “Ha, ha, ha,” laughed Hue. “I can assure you, those houses are the safest in the world. No, it’s for a very specific reason. The gianthomes in Balustrade can be slipped onto trucks and barges at anytime. Now, why do you think that is?”

  I had no idea.

  “Here’s why,” said Hue. “If the city of Balustrade jacks up richtaxes, or the county of Lossy Indica jacks up richtaxes, honestly even if a nearby cityboss like me goes a month without making a loud declaration of eternal love for our brilliant generous jobcreating riches, the bigs of Balustrade can leave. They can leave in the middle of the night if they want. They can load up their homes and belongings and in the morning they’re all in another town, another state, another country, where taxes are lower and politicians are nicer.”

  Hue was realtalking me now forsure, real Hue was telling me his real truths and fears, no games or politeness and it shut me up.

  “And really there’s nowhere they can’t go,” Hue told me, “because there’s nowhere in the world that wouldn’t kill to have the bigs of Balustrade. There’s no investmentgroup that wouldn’t do awfull unspeakable things to play with their hunbillions of munmuns. There’s no localeconomy that wouldn’t burn everything to the ground and convert immediately to big richservices. Nothing’s better for jobs than having bigriches around. Agriculture, struction, younameit. Think about the superflora and superfauna they have to eat. Think about their enormous luxurious clothes. Think about how huge their staffsalaries are to pay the middleriches who have to cook, serve, groom and launder, drive and pilot.

  “So a higher minmun would ofcourse be great and humane,” Hue finish
ed. “But if we raise minmun here in Lossy Indica and it spooks the bigs into leaving Balustrade, then we lose jobs, then we lose munmuns, then prettysoon we have to give up on higher minmun anyway, plus the county is doomed now.”

  “Okay okay,” I said. “Okay okay okay.”

  “But it’s good you’re thinking about this stuff, and please let me know if you have more ideas, newideas are always welcome,” he winked, and went back to work as the cleaningcars whirred past in the hall.

  LIFEANDDEATHWORLD

  Not even two weeks later, Markfive took me to Balustrade, I got to see for myself those wild wanderpalaces.

  It started with Markfive trying to lowkey date Daisy.

  “It’s my stupid dad’s birthday, I have to go and man I’m going to hate it, hey do you byanychance feel like suffering a bigrich party with me,” Markfive asked Daisy all smooth.

  “Nope, sounds terrible,” said Daisy.

  “I’ll go,” offered Kitty.

  “I mean, it’s not terrible, like it is always intresting atleast to see Balustrade, like in a sick perverted sense,” said Markfive.

  “Unfortunately I’m not a sick pervert,” said Daisy.

  “Lol,” admitted Markfive.

  “I would like to go,” reminded Kitty.

  “Kitty, no one’s even talking to you,” said Daisy.

  But Markfive glanced at Kitty and a thoughtbubble appeared above his head of, perhaps if I flirt with Kitty then Daisy will get jealous.

  “Kitty, I would be honored to have you as a date to my dad’s awfull birthday,” said Markfive all smooth while Daisy tried to dislocate her eyeball.

  “Ohmygod that’s fantastic, hey can we bring Warner too, it would be a real eyeopener for him, part of your schoolproject,” beamed Kitty even smoother.

  “Uh, well sure I guess,” said Markfive.

  “Try not to crash and kill everyone,” suggested Daisy.

  “Ohmygod I would love to come, do you think I could come too,” Prayer asked me.

  I took it to Kitty and she cringed a little and said, “You can ask Markfive I guess, but I think that’s pushing it.”

  “Kitty doesn’t like me,” sorrowed Prayer back in our bedroom. “It’s okay, you just wait, I’ll make it to Balustrade one day onmyown, who will be laughing then.”

  “You I guess,” I said, backing away from my crazy sis.

  But I decided to push it and asked Markfive, he surprised me by being pumped.

  “Oh hellyeah,” said Markfive. “Greatidea to bring your sis, she’s hilarious.”

  So five of us drove up to Balustrade in his triplecar. Kitty rode in the frontseat and in the back Prayer and I were strapped in next to Lily, the mom of Markfive, a happy wicked pretty gumdrop in resplendent dresses, coppery hair waterfalling in every direction, burbling giggles like a fountain.

  “Ohmygod, I love your hair so much, can it even be real,” marveled smooth Prayer to Lily.

  “Haha no ofcourse not, anyway thank you, Blessing,” Lily said, she wasn’t great with names. Meanwhile Prayer beamed like, that’s my name allright, it’s Blessing.

  “It’s true, Lily, you’re looking fantastic, this idiot Mark’s going to take one glance at you and then kill himself,” I said.

  “I tell you what, you little morsel of muscle, he absolutely will if he sees me walking around with a stud like you,” she said.

  “Mom, Warner, can you atleast not flirt right in front of me,” said Markfive.

  “Can I just ask, which of your friends can I flirt with right in front of you,” sighed Lily.

  The roads stopped tenmiles from Mark’s house, infact tenmiles from everyhouse, Balustrade had no internal roads. Instead the highwayexit emptied into a complex of hangars, parkingtowers, airstrips, bunkers, everywhere was teams of drivers scurrying around arranging the blimps and tanks, gunmen too.

  MARK IS FIFTYFIVE BIRTHDAYPARTY sang the twinkling screens above one parkingtower, we zoomed inside to park and by the time we were out of our car one of Mark’s drivers had pulled up next to us in a golfcart to take us the last tenmiles over a biggolfcourse.

  “Markfive, Lily, are you sure each of your guests will bring birthday happiness to Mark,” said the driver, staring at me and then Prayer.

  “Who knows, I mean you never know who’s going to make him happy, yolo though basically,” said Markfive.

  The driver continued to stare at us wordlessly, hoping to turn us around and throw us back down the road with sheer eyepower.

  “One thing I have a hunch Mark will not love, is if his fifth and smartest son is disrespected by having his guests and friends turned away, just a hunch but maybe you’d agree,” suggested Lily.

  In the golfcart I whispered to Markfive, is Mark not going to want me or Prayer at this party.

  “Here’s what that was about,” explained Markfive. “Mark doesn’t like having people around whose voices he can’t hear super well. Basically anyone smaller than middlescale, he really has trouble hearing them, and he hates that because then he has to say what, and they have to repeat themselves, and it interrupts the otherwise smooth flow of his life. So, I guess if you have anything to say to him, please bellow it at the top of your lungs, but also feel free to just shut up, that would be fine too.”

  “Speak your mind,” urged Lily, “I will protect you.” And she hugged me from the side, my head into the pillowy skin beneath her tits.

  We crested over the eighteenth hole and looked down into the wide forest lipping the bay, five big clearings near the water, a bighome in the middle of each one.

  Even if you think before you see bighomes, I know what they’re like, I’ve seen them on the news sometimes, nope, you have no idea, even looking at the realthing you don’t see them, your eyes refuse to eye them.

  Each was hundreds of feet high and a halfmilewide, each was its own work of art. One was a chunk of glass cubes, one was a plantation. One was a lordoftherings castle of craggy boulders and one was a shintoeshrine, roofcorners curling up like dry leaves. And one was a pastel spannishvilla, home of Mark, right now swarms of drones are hanging birthdaybanners over it.

  On the coast of a bay the size of a neighborhood, as big as Eat Almanac, all you had were five bighomes, although then through the trees you could see little villages around each bighome, the homes of the staffing middles.

  Prayer was speechless, soundless, eyes and mouth ohing like a fish.

  “I guess this is the town of Balustrade,” I asked stupidly.

  “Oh, this is just the southernmost tip,” said Markfive. “It continues north like this about a hundredmiles.”

  “It’s not really a town, think of it more like a nationalpark,” suggested Lily.

  “No visitorcenter though,” Kitty pointed out.

  “And all the rangers are dicks,” said Markfive, loudenough for the driver to hear.

  As we motored down to the water I spotted him floating in the ocean in bright boyant waterrobes, Mark, the tenbillionair birthdayboy, a handsome giant with saltandpepper stubble and a beautifull head of uplifted rigid hair. I could see his giant eyes all the way from land, brown emeralds in milk, skin also was toadcolor. His hairy knees and tum were little islands and the waves were barely ripples as they passed around him.

  Around him were various barges of dancing partiers, chefs roasting fishes on openflames, barkeeps stirring giant vats of drinks, a rental popstar singing a familiar song.

  Waitaminute, that stupid song plays over the speakers at Mun World like every twentyminutes, is that the actual freaking guy who sings that freaking song, holy crap yes it’s Famous Randy in his famous turtleneck, that’s amazing.

  Mark said nothing, basically just bobbed upanddown, floating there listening and watching. His movements were super slow, I wondered if giants can’t move at normal speeds, then I realized he’s trying not to make huge waves that would drown everyone.

  I stared like a maniac as he slowmo reached a dripping arm from the ocean, plucked a couple twofoot fi
sh right off the grill, dropped them whole into his roomsize mouth, snacked and crunched the bones and heads.

  I kept staring and goggling as he lifted a vat of vodkatonic from another barge and tipped that onto his bedsize tongue, meanwhile the bevbarge was rocking and rolling because there used to be a ton of booze on one side and then there wasn’t, the bartenders were drenched in sloshing vodkatonic and rearranging vats in a frenzy.

  “What a crazy and disgusting life, makes me glad he didn’t marry my mom tobehonest,” muttered Markfive as our motorboat arrived at the familybarge.

  “Sure, agree, try not to say such things in front of your sibs though,” murmured Lily, and we tried to approach Mark Family with dignified walks on the shuddering platform.

  Mark Family was various babymamas and offsprings, elegant clothes all around, tuxes and businessgowns. Markfive was the only young slacker, also the littlest. His three and fourscale brothers and sisters gave him poisonous smiles.

  “Little Five, you’re looking littler than ever, hope you’re not having mun trouble,” wondered a bro.

  “Such a shame you can’t afford respectfull clothes and instead must dress like a thuggy hoodlum,” murmured a sis.

  Markfive ignored them all graciously, I was pretty impressed, I would be freaking out and mashing faces before long.

  “BE RIGHT BACK,” said giant Mark suddenly to everyone from the middle of all the barges, a low normalguy voice except it’s like he said it right in my ear, from twohundred feet away.

  And he sank under the water, became a shadow and submarined away from us, rippling currents rocked the barges and everyone lost their balance, Famous Randy collapsed violently and hopped right back up bloodynosed like it was part of his danceroutine.

  Twominutes later Mark surfaced about a halfmile further out to sea, but no one was looking at him. Weirdly everyone seemed to be taking an intrest in the shoreline instead.

  “Warner, Blessing, don’t look at him, turnaway,” murmured Lily.

  “Wait why, what’s happening,” I said.

  “Nature called,” she said.

  “He’s taking a crap,” said Markfive.