Dead Set on Living
Page 31
“Love and compassion are everything when it comes to healing. When we numb ourselves, we may mask our pain, but we also anesthetize our Divine emotions, like love, compassion, and joy. It’s important for us to be embodied practitioners—to make sure we have adequate tools to clear ourselves so we are present for those we’re serving. Daily mind, body, and contemplative practices are crucial to staying heart-centered in our work.”
I asked him to break down his understanding of holistic healing and give some insight into what Toivo’s approach offers that indiscriminate use of medication doesn’t.
For Deron, it was “about tapping into the body’s natural ability to repair itself. The body has tremendous healing resources when the nervous system is relaxed. External solutions to inner strife and struggle at best deaden the fight-or-flight response without engaging the parasympathetic nervous system, which is essential for healing. Our approach is also about raising awareness—self-awareness is the key to transformation. It’s about looking at the whole person, not a quick fix, and helping people make a lifelong commitment to living better. Holistic healing considers all areas of our lives—the physical, emotional, energetic, social, and spiritual—to be connected. It’s about transforming pain, not transferring it.” That’s how we can move away from the mechanical approach—treating our bodies as machines—and toward a holistic view, one recognizing that if one is out of balance, then all are out of balance.
During my work with Toivo, I’d observed that the body self-heals when the nervous system is relaxed. I was hoping Deron would speak to this relaxation response as opposed to the stress response. What causes them? Can we learn to spend more time in the relaxation state than in the stress state, and if so, how?
Toivo’s collective goal is to support people in moving from a state of protection to a state of growth and healing. “The body has an amazing ability to protect itself from threats. When we sense a threat, the sympathetic nervous system goes into action. Blood flows to the muscles. Stress hormones are released. The body is ready to move fast. This is great if a bus is coming at us—the fight-or-flight response can allow for a quick reaction. The problem is that the body cannot tell the difference between an abstract threat (worrying) or an actual threat (the bus). Many people spend far too much time in a state of protection. In this state, the immune system is suppressed (the body is worried about surviving the immediate threat, not healing), access to creativity is decreased (it’s hard to write and create in fight or flight), and access to our intelligence is decreased (blood that would go to the brain goes to muscles).” I got where he was coming from. For example, have you ever said anything you didn’t mean when you were angry?
Deron went on to say that when we are in a fight-or-flight situation, our access to our hearts—love, compassion, and empathy—also decreases. Many people are chronically in a stress response. This explains so many of the struggles people have. “Interestingly, pharmaceuticals may numb fight or flight, but they do not elicit the relaxation response (within the parasympathetic nervous system). When the relaxation response is elicited with things like breath practice, meditation, qigong, or yoga, the immune system works at full capacity; we are also more intelligent, more creative, more compassionate, and more able to respond consciously to stressors rather than react impulsively. Stress response also impacts the body’s ability to take in nutrients. Digestion is far more efficient when the body is relaxed—in ‘rest and digest’ mode. Fight or flight narrows our focus; the relaxation response broadens our focus.”
This made perfect sense to me from the perspective of relapse. I certainly wasn’t in a “rest and digest” space when I decided to pick up the bottle or snort a line of powder up my nose. I was in the fight-or-flight space, and regardless of the specific circumstances that had led me to that place, I was undeniably there. However, I wasn’t involved with a therapeutic community such as Toivo, or actively engaging in the numerous mind-body practices mentioned in this chapter, and in this book as a whole. I was isolated. I was caught in self-pity, as Michael Taft put it earlier. I was in that place of “Fuck it, I just don’t care anymore and don’t want to feel this shit.” As I’ve come to learn, truly the only way out is through. We don’t—no, we shouldn’t—have to go through any of it alone. Support networks are invaluable to the healing process—any healing process.
A book a lot of us at Toivo refer to regularly is Dr. Bernie Siegel’s classic Love, Medicine & Miracles. Siegel was a pioneer in popularizing the mind-body connection, pointing out that doctors can kill their patients with the information they convey or neglect to convey. Hearing the words “There is nothing more I can do” or “Put your affairs in order” can seal a patient’s fate. Some prognoses cause fear and put people in a perpetual stress response, thereby shutting off their natural healing abilities. There’s a lot of research2 on the placebo and nocebo effects regarding what information is conveyed to people receiving treatment. People must be given honest information in a way that leaves room for hope and healing. There is no “false hope” when it comes to healing. Dr. Siegel wrote, “All patients must be accorded with the conviction that they can heal, no matter what the odds.”3 What did Deron think about this?
“I believe it all comes down to the nervous system. When people are given negative outcomes, their bodies go into a state of protection. When they are given hope, their bodies go into a state of growth and healing. I believe the nervous system’s role in healing is far more important than what most Western corporate medicine acknowledges. We need to respect the power of the mind to manifest outcomes.”
As I’ve learned through my work with Toivo, if you can do only one thing to empower yourself and your healing, to begin to create a space between yourself and the possibility of relapse, it’s to use any tool that helps elicit a relaxation response. It might be the mindfulness body scan taught by Michael Taft that helps us to become more in touch with our bodily emotions. Maybe it’s the practice of loving-kindness from Sharon Salzberg’s chapter that teaches us not only to love ourselves more but also to love and be kinder to others in the process. Or maybe it’s Tara Brach’s practice of RAIN, which helps us work with our difficult experiences in real time. Whatever the practice (or practices) are, I ask only that you begin incorporating them into your life starting today! Especially if your life and way of living is/was anything like mine, tomorrow is not guaranteed, so please don’t take today for granted. Please.
As Deron says, “If you’re going through an emotional storm in your life, find the eye of the storm; there is always an eye. When you find it, cultivate a higher vibration by focusing on love and compassion.”
I’m incredibly grateful for the opportunity to practice altruism, compassion, and interconnection through Toivo; it takes me further and further from relapse, one breath at a time. I’ll say it one more time: It’s crazy how life can align in your favor if you show up, put one foot in front of the other, and do the next fucking right thing. Toivo is one of those blessings not just for me but for the myriad others the organization serves. My wish is that more organizations like Toivo begin popping up throughout the United States and the world. If you’re interested in learning about how you can work toward making this change in your own community, I encourage you to email us at www.toivocenter.org/contact.
We’re all in this life thing together, so why not start acting like it? Let’s show up for ourselves and for each other. Let’s fucking rise above and do this thing together. We’re all we’ve got.
AFTERWORD
ONWARD AND INWARD
I was going to close with one more practice, but I changed my mind. Instead, I’ll direct you to the practice so you can dive in and out at your convenience. For the Rise and Thrive practice, go to http://theindiespiritualist.com/2017/08/22/dead-set-on-living-bonus-practice-rise-and-thrive/.
What I want to talk about here is what we can do the next time we find ourselves on the brink of returning to self-defeating behaviors—which can be in the mo
ment you find yourself twisting the cap off a bottle of vodka or making the excuses and self-destructive choices that will lay the groundwork for a relapse weeks or months or even years from now.
In my own case, as I look back at the relapses in my life, I can remember several occasions when, months before I’d pick up a bottle, I’d start noticing things. I’d pay attention to how late liquor stores were open, or I’d take an extra-long look at the drink on someone’s table while I was eating at a restaurant. Things like that are cues we’re starting to slip, even if it’s just slightly, back into old patterns.
This isn’t about relapse prevention specifically, because there are already a hundred and one books out in the world about that. Instead, this is about how we are going to be sure we’ve set ourselves up in a safe enough way to either call bullshit on ourselves, have someone we trust call bullshit on us, or a combination of both. Again, not just about slipping back into drug and alcohol use, but about heading off all types of self-defeating behavior!
I figure I may as well do what I do best here and use myself as an example by sharing what I’ve done since my last relapse. Some of this will be obvious—perhaps all of it will—but for the benefit of those for whom it’s not, please bear with me.
First and foremost, I had to set up a small network of friends I know I can count on to be there for me, to listen to me, to support me, and to do so nonjudgmentally, whenever I need them. That’s been incredibly huge, having some people I can bare my soul to who will listen or bear loving witness to whatever it is I’m going through, yet stay judgment-free. It’s a cathartic release to be able to talk with friends, mentors, sponsors, and family members in that respect.
Another huge part of my well-being is having a community of like-minded folks to help encourage me on the spiritual path. This doesn’t mean everyone along the way is going to be your best friend or confidant, but they, like you, have an interest in spiritual development, and if there’s at least one thing you can count on them for, it’s being there to walk with you, side by side.
Finding some sort of physical activity helps replace the negative behavior. I’ve seen countless people relapse because after putting down the bottle or pills or needle or chocolate cake, they didn’t replace it with something positive. Running, hiking, gardening, weight lifting, kayaking, swimming, dancing to Le Butcherettes (my editor’s input, and I’ll respectfully leave it in here for her)—anything that gets your blood flowing is a tremendous complement to integral well-being. Bonus points if you’re able to do these activities outdoors in the sunshine!
Take up a meditation practice. As you’ve seen by now, there are so many ways to meditate, some of which have been presented to you in this book, and many more that haven’t. I believe there is a form of meditation for everyone; you’ve just got to take the time to find what works for you. Remember, though, meditation—like any other practice or sport or program—doesn’t yield results overnight, so do your best to bring patience to your practice.
Speaking of patience (and I know I addressed this in an earlier chapter, but I believe it bears repeating, so here goes), I’ve often been asked if there was one thing I wish I’d done differently on the spiritual path. What would that be? My answer every time is that I wish I had learned to cultivate more compassion and softness toward myself in the process. Dedicating yourself to sincerely working with difficult emotions, life experiences, and spiritual practices that will help you heal and grow as a person is no easy thing, so please, please, please be as gentle with yourself as you can, while still staying dedicated and willing to push yourself as much as you’re able to in the moment (with the understanding that there are always variables).
Get a fucking sense of humor. If you already have one, do whatever it takes to keep it. Laughter is such potent medicine, especially the ability to laugh at ourselves. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I’ve found relief in watching shows like Curb Your Enthusiasm, Impractical Jokers, The Office, and Chappelle’s Show. Taking a break from being so earnest and laughing at inappropriate shit can sometimes be one of the most compassionate things you can do for yourself. At least I’ve found that to be true, but hey, what do I know? That said, go laugh at some dumb shit for a little while, okay? I think you’ll thank me for it later.
For a complete listing of the contributors and their bios, please go to http://theindiespiritualist.com/2017/08/22/dead-set-on-living-contributor-bios/.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Brenda and Lawrence Grosso; Jason, Catie, Addison, and Eleanor Grosso; Steve Harris; Alice Peck; Michele Martin, Diana Ventimiglia, and the rest of the family at Simon & Schuster; Michael Geres; Deron and Carrie Drumm; Hilary Bryant, Laura Le, Annette Medero, Kali Farrell, Linda Lentini, and the rest of my Toivo and Advocacy Unlimited family (there are just too many names to include, but you and I know exactly who you are—thank you!); Harriet Cianci; Michael Taft; JP Sears; Jen Taylor, Justin Vood, and The Sanctuary at Shepardfields; Eben and Rachel Sterling and Thrasher Magazine; Jessica Pimentel; Kelly and Jess Margera and CKY; Bam Margera; Dana Sawyer and Stephanie; Alanna Kaivalya; Lauren Seder; Breeze Floyd; Ram Dass, Rachel Fisher, Raghu Markus, Mirabai Bush, Kelly Rego, JR Morton, Corey Leonard, and everyone else at the Love Serve Remember Foundation; Ken Wilber, Corey DeVos, Colin Bigelow, and everyone at Integral Institute; Rachel Sclare and Joey Marsocci; Michelle Jean and Asher; Jessica Durivage; Jenn Lui and Morgan Walker; Keli Lalita; Erica Lynn; Justin Mehl; Cheryl Guertin; Amy Scher; Patrick Rivera and my Hartford Refuge Recovery Family; Raghunath “Ray” Cappo; Jamison Monroe and Newport Academy; Alex and Allyson Grey, Jon Ohia, Joness Jones and everyone at COSM; Lissa Rankin; don Miguel Jr. and Jose Ruiz; Bartolotta; Sera Beak; Lisa Braun Dubbels; Jessica Durivage; Belle of the Fall; Ben Grippo; Amy LaBossiere; Patricia Mahmarain; Chris and Jenny Hinman; Laci-Ann Mosher; and every single person who’s supported me and given a shit about my work. My heart is sincerely humbled. And, of course, all of the contributors in this book who took the time to share their wisdom and experience. I’m forever grateful!
ABOUT THE AUTHORS
CHRIS GROSSO is a writer and public speaker. He is the author of Indie Spiritualist and Everything Mind and writes for ORIGIN Magazine, Huffington Post, and Mantra Yoga + Health Magazine. Chris speaks frequently at conferences and festivals and is passionate about his work with people who are in the process of healing or struggling with addictions of all kinds. He is a member of the advisory board for Drugs over Dinner and hosts The Indie Spiritualist podcast on Ram Dass’s Be Here Now Network. Visit Chris at www.indiespiritualist.com.
ALICE PECK is drawn to finding the sacred in everyday things. Her books include Mindful Beads; Be More Tree; and Bread, Body, Spirit, among other titles. Her writing has appeared in Center for Humans & Nature, Spirituality & Health, Rewire Me, Prime Mind, Daily Good, and Mountain Record. As an editor, she focuses on mind and spirit, collaborating with Zen teachers, Tibetan Buddhist psychotherapists, and mindfulness instructors.
FOR MORE ON THESE AUTHORS:
Authors.SimonandSchuster.com/Chris-Grosso
Authors.SimonandSchuster.com/Alice-Peck
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SimonandSchuster.com
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BOOKS BY CHRIS GROSSO
Everything Mind
Indie Spiritualist
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Be More Tree
Bread, Body, Spirit
Next to Godliness
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NOTES
1. The Trance of Unworthiness
1 Tara Brach, True Refuge: Finding Peace and Freedom in Your Own Awakened Heart (New York: Bantam, 2013).
2 Nicholas Bunnin and Jiyuan Yu, The Blackwell Dictionary of Western Philosophy (Chichester, UK: Wiley-Blackwell, 2009), p. 362.
3 http://ho-oponopono-explained.com/tag/dr-hew-len.
3. God Is Not Your Bitch
1 Lissa Rankin, MD, The Fear Cure: Cultivating Courage as Medicine for the Body, Mind, and Soul (Carlsbad, CA: Hay House, 2016), p. 11.
2 Walter B. Cannon, The Wisdom of the Body (New York: W. W. Norton, 1932).
3 Tina Fossella, “Human Nature, Buddha Nature: An Interview with John Welwood,” Tricycle, spring 2011.
4. Drinking, Drugging, Overspending, and Sexcapades
1 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1494926.
2 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK207191.
3 Terence T. Gorski and Merlene Miller, Staying Sober: A Guide for Relapse Prevention. (Independence, MO: Herald House/Independence Press, 1986).
4 Anne Wilson Schaef, When Society Becomes an Addict (San Francisco: Harper & Row, 1987).
5. I Don’t Believe in Anything
1 https://www.ramdass.org/selfhood-spirit-personality.
2 https://www.drweil.com/videos-features/videos/the4-7-8-breath-health-benefitsdemonstration.
6. The Place Where the Sweetness Hurts
1 Michael W. Taft, The Mindful Geek (Kensington, CA: Cephalopod Rex Publishing, 2015), p. 5.
2 Ibid., p. 70.
3 Michael W. Taft, Nondualism: A Brief History of a Timeless Concept (Kensington, CA: Cephalopod Rex Publishing, 2014), p. 3.