“I’ll do better.” He tried to smile.
I nodded. “Come on, we don’t want to be late.” I shut my door again. I refused to feel bad about asking his mom for help. It was as if he forgot that I was a part of this too, that I couldn’t do everything alone.
We drove in relative silence, so much unsaid between us. I felt like I was slowly drowning in the words I couldn’t say to him.
At the hospital, I followed him down the hall toward the bank of elevators against the far wall.
“Levi …” I took his hand.
He looked at me, and the sadness in his eyes burned my soul. I couldn’t lose him to this.
“Don’t shut me out,” I whispered and leaned against him.
“I’m not.” He stroked my hair and pressed his lips to my temple. “I don’t want to shut you out. I just don’t know how to say things anymore. I can't tell you how terrified I am every day because I need to be stronger than that. I can't say that I hate not being able to do things alone anymore because I don’t want you think I resent you and all that you’ve been doing.” He paused and grabbed onto my shoulders. “I want to say that the chemo feels like fire, burning me from the inside. And that every time you remind me I have to come and do this, I want to scream at you.” His voice was hoarse with emotion.
“So I just don’t say anything, Becca. Silence is easier for me. It’s better for both of us for me not to say the things I want to say. I don’t want you to hate me, baby. I can’t bear to cause you any more pain.” A tear slipped down his cheek.
“Instead of that, I’ll say that I love you. More than anything, I love you. I’m grateful for everything you’re doing and will do. And I’m holding on to the hope that we can survive this.”
I stopped his words with my lips, kissing away his anger and sadness. Our tears mingled together on our cheeks.
“All we can do is try,” I whispered against his cheek.
When we had gotten control of ourselves, we pushed the button to call the elevator and went to face it together. I would try harder, be better, for him. I could do that much.
****
Ruth came in like a fresh breeze. I hadn't realized how much I missed her as I opened the door to let her in.
“How can I help today?” She guided me into the kitchen and pushed me into a chair.
“Can you stay here for maybe an hour or so? I need to get out, to go to the studio or something.” I did need it too. I had to do something just for me, even if it was only for an hour.
“Of course, go for as long as you need.” She gave me a reassuring smile. “I’ll make dinner while you’re gone, and we can talk about what you both need after we eat.”
I grabbed my dance bag and keys and fled the house before I could talk myself out of it. I almost felt like I was doing something bad or wrong even though I wasn’t.
I drove to the studio on autopilot. I was tired, mentally exhausted. Levi and I were on the way back to each other hopefully. I found myself getting excited the closer I got to the studio. I missed my girls and Gwen.
Only a few cars were in the lot because it was an odd time between classes. I found Gwen heading into her office.
“Becca! How are you, honey? How’s Levi?” She gave me a concerned smile, the kind I had been getting from everyone for the past month or so.
“I’m okay, just going a little stir-crazy, I think. Ruth’s in town for a bit, so I got to escape for an hour.” Saying the words made me feel guilty.
“You need that, time for yourself. Your room is open for a while if you want to use it.”
I nodded and headed down the hall. Hearing the sound of little girls laughing lightened my heart. Gwen was right; no one was in my small studio room. I flipped the overhead lights on and watched as the gleaming wood floors sparkled under the fluorescents. After shutting the door, I changed quickly and sat on the floor to stretch. My muscles were tense, but the familiar movements helped to soften them up in no time.
I tied my pointe shoes and pulled one of the portable bars to the center of the room. I already felt calmer—just doing these small things calmed me.
Facing the mirror, I dropped into the first demi plie, my arm a graceful extension beside me. My mind cleared as I continued the warmup, going through each position as I knew them by heart.
After putting the bar away, I grabbed my phone and the little speaker I used when I practiced. I flipped to my dance playlist and pressed random before taking my place on the floor.
I sighed as the first notes of “Heart Cry” by Drehz sang out into the room. How perfect for the way I was feeling. I let my mind go blank, and my feet took over, carrying me across the floor on my toes, my arms stretched high above me.
I leapt and pirouetted to the beat, feeling alive again for the first time in a month. My toes ached, but it made me feel free, just like it used to. That exquisite pleasure-pain that I have always associated with dancing.
I could feel the emotion rising in me as I pushed myself to my limits. I couldn’t stop the sobs from pouring out of me as I danced. Tears blurred my vision so I could barely see, but still, I danced. My heart was open and full of pain. Sadness took control, and I finally let it all out. The release of everything I had been keeping inside was like a dam bursting. I felt a rage building because of my helplessness. I couldn’t do anything to stop this from happening; nothing I could do would make Levi better. Sadness and anger burned brightly as my feet flew across the floor. I pushed myself harder than ever, needing to feel the pain, needing to feel something other than this choking anguish.
When I could no longer hold myself up, I sank to the floor in a heap and cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. Gwen found me a while later still on the floor, laying with my hands behind my head and dried tears streaking my cheeks.
“Want to talk about it?” She sat down next to me.
“It’s just so much harder on me than I thought it would be, you know? I figured watching him go through this would be rough, but I never anticipated the toll this would take on our marriage.” I sat up and sat cross-legged.
“Cancer is awful. It ruins lives, and not just the person who is going through it. You guys just have to keep talking, no matter how hard it gets.” I let her hug me, something a year ago I would never have let happen. It was still hard for me to trust, but I was working on it.
“I keep trying to remember what it was like before this. How we used to act together when we were dating, or that first month after the wedding. It’s like it was erased.” I picked at the tape on my shoe.
“Everything revolves around him and his treatment right now, so it’s easy to forget what normal is. Just know that it won't last forever.”
“Yeah, he’ll either be cured or he won’t.” I choked on the words.
“Come on, get up.” She got up and held out a hand. I accepted and let her pull me to my feet.
“Let’s see what you’ve got on here.” She flipped through the music on my phone and smiled when she found what she wanted. She pulled on the pointe shoes she had been carrying when she walked in and took her place in the center of the room as the first notes of “Happy” by Pharrell Williams played over the speaker.
“Come on then.” She crooked a finger at me. “You need to bring some joy into your dancing again. Not that what I saw before wasn’t beautiful in its own way.”
Together we danced and laughed. Twirling around each other and leaping in different directions. She had put the song on repeat, and we danced for as long as our feet would hold us up.
This time, when I sank to the floor, it was with a delicious happiness I hadn’t felt in a long time. “Thank you. I needed that so much.”
“Never forget this feeling in your heart. When things get bad, hold onto this joy. Remember that not everything is awful.” She hugged me tight. “Okay, I have some work to do before I head home for the night. You call me if you need me, okay?” She waved and left the room.
I felt lighter now. Purging all of my
emotion had helped, and so had the dance with Gwen. I was ready to tackle the situation at home with new eyes.
Ruth was in the kitchen when I walked in. “You look better.” She nodded and went back to chopping on the cutting board.
“I am. The dancing helped to clear my head.” I dropped my bag by the door.
“Go on and shower. Dinner will be ready when you’re done.” She waved her knife in my direction.
“Okay, be back in a bit.” I walked down to my room and paused just outside the door. I listened for noise and heard the TV on.
Levi was on the bed watching some sitcom; he glanced in my direction when I walked in.
“Hey.” I tried to sound breezy. This walking on glass thing was getting harder and harder.
“How was dancing?” He pushed the mute button. I could swear there was a faint edge to his tone but chose to ignore it.
“Dancing was great, just what I needed.” I peeled off my sweaty clothes and dropped them into the hamper. I could feel his eyes on me as I moved next to the bed to go into the bathroom.
“I think this is the first time I’ve seen you naked in a month.” His voice was soft, but the heat in his eyes took me by surprise.
Sex was the last thing on my mind. Apparently, it wasn’t the last thing on his.
“Don’t get any ideas; your mom is down the hall.” I sidestepped the bed and walked into the bathroom.
“I know. I just miss you, that’s all.”
“I miss you too. This has all been shitty.” I walked back out and sat on the bed next to him. “I don’t know how to make this better, either.”
“You don’t need to make it better. You just need to be my wife.”
“I’m trying to just be your wife, but so many things have changed, Levi. I can’t just be your wife when I’m also your caretaker and your chauffeur. None of this is your fault, but it’s our reality. Things have changed, and we can’t pretend they haven’t.”
“You sound like you resent me.” He pushed himself to a sitting position.
“I don’t. I love you more than you think I do. We’re in uncharted waters, and we have to figure this out together so we can come out whole on the other side.” I pulled the sheet around me, feeling weird being naked during this kind of conversation.
“Do you ever wonder if we will make it out of this?” I could hear the fear there.
“We will. I can’t think otherwise and neither should you. I won’t let the darkness claim you, Levi. You’re never alone in this.”
He didn’t say anything else, so I got up and took my shower. I prayed for us both, that we could navigate through this and not lose who we were.
Chapter 7
Things got better after Ruth had come. The three of us had worked through some of the issues Levi and I were struggling with. We set up a schedule of sorts with all of his appointments and things that had to do with treatment. Most of them I would handle, but Ruth had volunteered to come out a few times a month and help. Julian had also stopped by because Ruth had called him, and he and Sadie would be helping us out more and I would let them.
“Don’t be so stubborn anymore,” Julian had chided.
I knew this situation wasn’t all Levi’s fault. I had pushed away our friends and the feelings of isolation were just as much because of me.
The house was finally quiet again after a week of craziness with everyone being around all the time. I had enjoyed it, feeling some semblance of our old life, if even for just a short time.
Levi was happier as well. I felt as though we had reached a turning point in our relationship. We could either have continued on the path we were on and grow to hate each other over time, or we could choose to be happy and enjoy each day we had together, however many that would be. We had chosen the second option.
“What do you want to do today?” I dropped onto the bed next to him. It was one of the rare days that we had nothing going on and nowhere to be.
“Let’s take a trip.” He got up and grabbed his phone from the dresser.
“Really? Are you sure?” It was Friday, and we technically didn’t have to be anywhere until Monday afternoon, but I worried about exposing him to so many germs.
“Yes, really.” He took off his pajama shirt and I noticed how much weight he had lost. His usually muscled torso was thin, and I could see the outline of his ribs as he stretched to get the shirt over his head.
It was hard to see him like this, a shadow of who he used to be. As much I wanted to tell him that going away for the weekend was a bad idea, I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
“Okay, I’ll pack some stuff, and you deal with the location.” I forced a bright smile and went into the closet.
“Stop it,” I heard him call from the hall.
“What?”
“Stop thinking so much. Yeah, there’s the danger of me catching something, but we need this. I need this.” The desperation in his voice echoed my own.
I stopped thinking about what could go wrong. Instead, I got excited about just being together for the weekend. I packed enough for two days and met him in the garage ten minutes later.
“Where to?” I looked at him as I pushed the button to open the garage door.
He grabbed the keys from me and motioned for me to get into the passenger seat. “I’m driving.”
“You going to tell me where we’re going?” I grinned as I buckled my seat belt.
“Newport.” He shot me a smile before putting the car in reverse.
“Really? The same place we went last time?” I would forever remember that trip almost a year ago. After months of sadness and pain, it been been a rebirth of sorts for Levi and me.
“Yep, Hydrangea House had the same room available by chance, and I have us booked for the weekend.” The excitement in his voice made me smile.
The drive went by surprisingly quick; it almost felt like we were dating again. Some of the tension was wearing off.
Newport was exactly how I remembered it. So picturesque, like something off a postcard. I didn’t exactly feel sad, but it was something akin to it. Our life together was just starting back then; it was only a year ago but everything that had happened made me feel like I’d aged about ten. It didn’t take us long to pull up in front of the cute little inn.
Ellen, the woman who ran the place, was behind the counter and smiled as we walked up.
“You two have been here before, right? I recognize your faces.”
That surprised me; it had been almost an entire year since we had stayed for a weekend.
“Yep, last year,” Levi answered. “We’re the Klein’s, and we have a reservation.”
I mentally tuned out as they went over the billing. I was too busy imagining taking a bath in the huge Jacuzzi tub.
“Bec?” Levi pulled at my arm. Ellen was already at the stairs with the keys.
The Hydrangea Suite was just as amazing as I had remembered, the sage green color was soothing and the gentle scent of the potpourri was calming to my frazzled nerves.
I heard the door click shut and felt Levi behind me. “Do you remember what happened the last time we were here?”
I shivered at the feel of his breath against my neck. I did remember, that had been our first time together. “How could I forget that?” I turned and put my arms around his neck. “I knew you were meant for me then, and I still believe that now. For this weekend, let's just be us.”
He nodded and pressed his lips against mine gently as his fingers undid the buttons of my shirt. I was nervous; it had been over a month since the last time we had sex. I felt shy as he slid the fabric off my shoulders.
“Nervous?” He feathered kisses down my neck.
“Kind of. That’s weird, right?” I shivered involuntarily.
“I’m nervous too. It’s been too long.” He took my hand and kissed my fingers before leading me over to the bed. I slipped my pants off before sitting down on the edge. I watched as he took his shirt off, my eyes drifting over his stomach and
up to the bandage on his chest. Instead of making me feel sad, I felt proud of him. Life had handed him a shit deal, but he was here with me still.
His pants joined his shirt on the floor, and he sat down next to me. “I want to take my time with you. I need to commit you to memory, every inch of your skin. I want it seared into my mind.” He traced a finger along the edge of my bra.
I wanted that too. I needed to remember this moment so I could think about it when things were bad. I wanted to always remember how much we loved each other.
The love I felt for him at that moment made my heart swell in my chest. He was perfect to me, scars and all.
I felt his lips glide between the valley of my breasts as he undid the clasp of my bra and I arched into him. I felt completely exposed as I lay back on the bed and watched him slide off my panties.
“Perfect,” he murmured as he removed his boxers and stood before me.
I looked up at him and agreed; he was perfect. I sighed as he lowered himself on top of me and kissed my lips, his fingers caressing my skin.
“Love you so much,” he whispered against my lips the moment he slipped inside.
I lost all rational thought and was swept away in a sea of emotion and feeling. Joined together with him, I felt finally at peace.
****
The next day, I woke to him staring down at me with a grin on his face. The perfect wake up if you ask me.
“You look happy.” I pulled his head down so I could kiss him.
“I am. It feels good to live again.” The look on his face made me want to cry, so carefree.
“What’s on the agenda today?” I rolled onto my stomach.
“Sightseeing and sex, not necessarily in that order.” He arched a brow.
I laughed and scooted out of bed. “Sightseeing first. You can love me all you want later tonight.”
I took a quick shower and padded back out into the main room to find Levi asleep again. I almost hated to wake him up. He looked so peaceful, which was a rarity for us. I stopped next to him and pressed a kiss to his temple and then frowned by how hot his head felt.
After We Fell (Falling Fast #1.5) Page 7