The guilt came crashing in on me as I rushed to throw on some clothes. I should never have allowed this trip. It was too soon and his immune system couldn't handle it.
“Levi.” I gently shook him.
He opened his eyes and smiled at me. “Ready to go?” He got up and stretched.
“Are you really going to lie to me?” I frowned.
“What?” He just stared at me.
“How long have you had the fever?” I stalked away from him and started throwing things into the bag.
He looked mildly startled and then sighed. “Since last night, I think, but it's not bad. I’ve had worse.
“Seriously?” I threw up my hands in exasperation. “We need to go home.”
“No.” He shook his head.
“Levi, stop being like this. We have to go home. We should never have come here. You weren’t ready.” I was near tears but I refused to let them fall.
“We have to live our life too, Becca. It can’t all be about me being sick. Do I have a fever? Yes. But other than that, I feel fine. I don’t want to leave. I want to spend the rest of the day exploring the city and pretending that we’re a normal young couple. Can we do that? Can we just pretend for a little while?” He was begging me, and I hated the fact that we both knew the sensible thing was to go home.
“What if this gets worse?” I sat on the edge of the bed.
“Then we go to the hospital.” He sat next to me. “Please, Becca.” He was pleading.
“Okay.” I knew it was the wrong choice. Everything in me was screaming to tell him no. But I couldn’t make myself do it.
“Yeah?” He smiled.
“Yeah. But the second I see you getting worse, we’re out of here.” I put on a stern face and hoped for the best.
I waited for him to get dressed before we headed downstairs for breakfast. I wanted to make him wear a facemask, but I knew he wouldn’t do it anyway.
We sat at the long table with the other guests and made small talk over scones and other assorted pastries. Some of the tension left me and my shoulders gradually lowered to a normal level. The normalcy of it. Sitting with other people and eating breakfast, and talking about anything but cancer.
After we ate, we took a stroll through town like any other young couple away for the weekend. All the shops were so cute. Little antique stores, and all the touristy places you could ask for. We walked, hand in hand, as though we had no care in the world. I tried to ignore how hot he felt and told myself to trust him that he knew his body better than I did.
Levi made us stop in a small jewelry store at the end of one of the streets. I never wore much jewelry, but I was drawn to a necklace with two diamonds. It looked like they were holding each other up on the chain, and it made me think of him and me and our relationship. I was nothing without him holding me up, and he was the same with me.
“Do you want it?” Levi asked, materializing by my side as I gazed into the case.
I shook my head. “No, I don’t need it. I hardly wear necklaces.”
He took my chin in his fingers and made me look him in the eye. “I didn’t ask if you needed it, Becs, I asked if you wanted it. Sometimes, it's not about what we need. Sometimes, we just need to be frivolous and buy something that makes us happy.” Before I could say a word, he had motioned over the saleswoman and was handing over his card. I had the necklace draped around my neck in the blink of an eye.
“It’s perfect on you.” He kissed me softly.
“Thank you.” I suddenly felt close to tears and I blinked them away quickly. This was the kind of thing I missed. Not him buying me things because I didn’t care about that, but the spontaneous things he used to do for me. The little gestures and the happiness.
“Only happy tears today, Becca.” He wiped one away with the pad of his thumb. “Today, we’re nothing more than a happy newlywed couple.” He took my hand again, and we continued our stroll through town.
We ended up at the marina and sat in the grass basking in the sunshine. “Do you remember when we were here last time?” I brushed the hair out of my eyes.
“I do.” He smiled. “I think that was when we really knew this was for real, this thing between us. Well, it was always real for me. I just needed you to stop being so scared and jump in.”
“I’m still scared,” I whispered softly, hoping the breeze would carry my words away before he could hear them.
“I have no promises for you this time.” He rolled onto his stomach to look at me. “I can't tell you this will all work out the way it should and that I’ll always be here to catch you.”
“I know. That’s what terrifies me. The unknown.” I turned my face away. “I always knew you would pull too much out of me.” I smiled. “You made me want more out of my life, and now, look at us.” I sniffed, praying that I wouldn’t cry again.
“You deserve more in your life, you always have. If this doesn’t pan out the way we want it to, promise me you won’t settle for less ever again. Promise me you’ll follow your dreams wherever they take you. You have a family now, and they love you as much as I do. You will never be alone again. Promise me, Becca. Promise me you’ll search for happiness again.” He held my hands tightly.
“Stop,” I begged. “Stop talking like this. I can’t hear this right now. I don’t want to think about the what-ifs. I don’t want to imagine a life without you. Because if I do, then it makes all of this real, it makes the possibility real. I can’t do that. I can’t imagine you gone. I won’t.” I pulled my hands away from him and hugged my knees, tears streaming down my cheeks.
When I looked up at him finally, I could see it before he said anything. He looked so sick, and I had been ignoring it all day.
Chapter 8
In retrospect, I should have known things were worse than he said they were. Especially with all of his doom and gloom talk by the marina. I had ignored it because I wanted to believe him when he said it was nothing.
Now, here we were in the hospital and he was hooked up to IVs and wires, and I was blaming myself for being stupid. He looked so pale; his skin almost matched the white of the pillowcase behind his head.
My phone buzzed next to me on the chair, but I ignored it. I didn’t want to talk to anyone or see anyone. For the moment, I just wanted to be alone with him in this small room, listening to the beep of the machines and watching him sleep.
We’d been in the hospital for two days so far. Levi had passed into unconsciousness pretty quickly after we had gotten here. I got the feeling he was giving up, as if the previous days had been his good-bye to me.
I wanted to scream at him to fight for me, to fight for us. Instead, I held his hand and watched the rise and fall of his chest as the tears fell down my cheeks.
The doctor had told me the infection was spreading and the antibiotics weren’t helping much, but they were going to come up with a new plan.
“You have to stay. You know that, right?” I said quietly to him. “You can't leave me yet. I’m not ready.” I sobbed against the hand I was holding. This was killing me, to watch him slip away from me and be unable to do anything to stop it.
The door opened and someone came in, but I didn’t turn away from Levi. “Becca?” Julian’s voice was soft.
The scrape of chair against the floor was the only other noise in the room aside from the constant beeps. He sat next to me but didn’t say anything for a moment. He put an arm around my shoulder and pulled me against him, letting me pour out all of my sadness and worry.
“It’s okay, honey, you cry all you need to. I’m not going anywhere.” I could hear the sadness in his voice. His strength was reassuring; I could let him hold me together while I fell to pieces.
So we sat there together in that small room while I cried for the man who had stolen my heart a year ago.
When I had finally gotten a hold of my emotions, I pulled away and wiped my face on my shirt.
“Tell me.” He turned to look at me, his blue eyes concerned.
“He has an infection. The antibiotics aren’t doing anything to stop the spread, and he’s been out for almost two days now. I’m so stupid; I should never have listened to him when he said he was fine.” I shook my head sadly and pounded a fist on the arm of the chair.
“You’re not his mother or his nurse. All you can do is your best with the information you have. If he said he was fine, then that’s all you had to go on.”
“I knew he was sick, though, I could feel the fever.”
“Becca, if you’re looking for me to tell you what an awful job you’ve done as a caretaker, you can keep looking because it's never going to happen. I know you blame yourself, but you shouldn’t. Levi is a stubborn son of a bitch sometimes; you know that better than anyone does. I talked to him before you guys left, and he sounded happy for the first time in months. There was nothing you could have done to talk him out of it.” The confidence in his voice almost made me believe him.
I didn’t disagree with him because it would have accomplished nothing. “Is everyone here?” I asked the question even though I knew the answer already.
“Yeah. Ruth stayed with us the last couple of days. I think it’s time you let us in. You don't need to be alone anymore.” He grabbed my hand and gave it a squeeze.
I nodded and pushed back from the bed. It was time. Ruth deserved better than this. It was her son, after all.
They all sat in the waiting room in a cluster—Ruth, Samuel, Chad, and Sadie—grief painting their features.
“I’m sorry.” My voice was barely a whisper.
Ruth came to me as though on wings, her arms around me in an instant. “Oh baby, it’s not your fault. You needed your time to deal with this.” She smoothed the hair away from my face.
I had thought myself all cried out, but I wasn’t. In the warmth of her embrace, I lost it again. This woman who loved me like I was hers and trusted me to do the best I could for her son. She was so strong, I wished I could be like her.
“I don’t know what to do.” I sniffled.
“We spoke to the doctor a moment ago. All we can do is pray and hope that they can stop this from spreading.” She held me tight.
“I feel so helpless, like if I’m not sitting by his bed, I’m not doing anything for him.” I wiped my face.
“You’re not alone anymore. We can take turns sitting with him. You need some actual sleep and a shower.” She steered me away from his room and toward the elevator.
“No, I can’t go.” Terror welled up in me. What if he slipped away while I was gone?
“Becca.” She looked me in the eyes. “You have to take care of yourself too.”
Sadie was by my side the moment Ruth stopped talking, taking my hand and pulling me onto the waiting elevator.
“Go home and sleep for a couple of hours.” Her tone left no room for discussion.
I nodded and let Sadie pull me the rest of the way. Before the doors closed, Chad stepped on and came to stand on my other side. They both held a hand, and I let them be my strength.
I followed Sadie to her car, and Chad sat next to me in the back holding my hand. I smiled a watery smile at him and lay my head on his shoulder. My baby brother, who had somehow grown into a man overnight. The tables had turned, and now, he was the one taking care of me.
I felt slightly sick to my stomach walking into the house without Levi there. This was our place, the home we had made together.
“I’m making you something to eat.” Sadie smiled and headed for the kitchen. “You go take a shower.”
Chad followed Sadie, and I went down the hall to my room. Our room. I walked through the door and wanted to cry because it smelled like him. Is this what it would be like if I lost him? This sadness, knowing he would never again be in this room with me?
I shook those thoughts away because they weren’t helping. I stripped off my two-day-old clothes and walked into the bathroom to shower. I turned on the water and waited to get in. Leaning against the counter, I let my mind go blank. I didn’t want to think about anything at the moment.
Steam filled the room and something on the mirror caught my eye as I was about to step into the shower. Tears filled my eyes as I saw a note Levi had written on the mirror appear as if by magic.
Thank you for loving me, Becca. I love you so much. - Levi
Goddamn him. That bastard. God, how I loved him. I turned away and stepped into the shower, letting the water blur away my tears.
“Feel better?” Sadie asked as I shuffled into the kitchen after I was dressed.
“Not really.” I tried for a smile, but it came across as more of a grimace. I sat down at the table next to Chad.
“I made pasta.” She handed me a plate full of noodles and red sauce.
“Thanks.” I took a bite and chewed, not tasting it.
“How are you feeling about all of this?” Chad asked hesitantly.
“Numb for the moment, which is probably good. I go between being angry with him and hating myself for not listening to that little voice that told me we should go home. I keep thinking that those days away were his good-bye to me. That last day, he kept trying to make me promise that I would be happy again if he died.” I took another bite.
“You know you can’t blame yourself, right?” Sadie said softly.
I nodded and noticed that neither she nor Chad mentioned anything about the good-bye. “Did you talk to him before this?” I didn’t know which one of them I was asking.
Chad looked uncomfortable, and Sadie stared down at her plate instead of meeting my eyes.
“What did he say?” My anxiety was rising from within me like smoke in a fireplace.
“He made me promise him that Julian and I would look after you if anything happened to him.” She choked on the words, a few tears falling down her cheeks.
“And you?” I whirled to face my brother.
“No.” He shook his head. “That’s between me and him.” His voice was firm. “Words spoken between brothers. I’m not going to tell you.”
Sometimes, I forgot that Chad loved Levi as family too. I forgot that other people were affected too, not just me, and that they would be devastated if he passed. I was so trapped in my own misery that I couldn’t always see them.
“I feel like he’s giving up.” I dropped my fork. “I don't know how to make him fight.”
“I don't know that you can.” Sadie put a hand over mine on the table. “All we can do is let him know how much we love him.”
All we could do … That was nothing. I would have to sit by and watch my husband give up on life, give up on me. It made me want to throw up. Just the thought of having to go on without him.
“Will you sleep?” She studied my face.
I shook my head. “The food is enough. I need to be there.”
She understood, but I could tell she wanted to argue.
After we finished lunch, I went to brush my teeth before we left. The face staring back in the mirror was a shell of who I was just four days ago. Dark circles under my eyes and an intense weariness etched into the lines of my face. I was tired, but sleep could wait. Everything could wait.
****
Ruth and Samuel were sitting at Levi’s bedside when I opened the door. She looked back and frowned. “You’ve barely been gone for an hour.”
“Ruth.” There was a hint of irritation in my voice, and I didn’t care to smother it at the moment.
“Okay.” She nodded and scooted her chair over to make room for me.
“Any change?” I asked automatically, as though she wouldn't have called if he had woken up.
“Sorry, no.” She held my hand in hers and squeezed.
“How are you holding up?” Samuel asked in his quiet tone. He didn’t say much normally, but his presence was a constant.
“As good as I can considering the circumstances. I keep wishing we had more time. More everything.” I shrugged. I wanted a lifetime of experiences with him.
“This is not what any parent wants for thei
r kids. To see such sadness at a time when there should only be joy.” He looked at me; the sadness in his expression broke my heart.
“I know. I want to do and see so many things with him. Our life is just starting, this shouldn’t be the end.” My voice broke with emotion.
“Only God knows when the end is. We can’t give up on Levi yet.”
“Never. Until his final breath, I’m going to hope and pray.” I reached for his hand and felt reassured with his gentle squeeze.
We took turns sitting with him. Someone was always in the room. Sadie and Julian were here as much as they could be, and Chad and the Kleins had moved into our house. We were closing in on a week of Levi being in the hospital, and I refused to let go of my hope.
I was sitting holding Levi’s hand when I felt it tighten around my own. My gaze flew to his face, and I watched his eyelids flutter for a moment before opening.
“Oh my God.” Tears streamed down my cheeks. “You’re awake!”
“Becca? What’s happening?” His voice was hoarse from disuse.
“You’ve been out for a while, honey. We’re in the hospital.” I clung to his hand as though letting go would cause him to close his eyes again. I pushed the button to alert the nurse and tried to calm down.
“Are you okay?” I stood and peered down at him.
“I’m so tired, and everything hurts.” He grimaced as he tried to sit up.
“Don’t sit up; just lay there for a bit until you wake up.” I touched his shoulder to keep him from moving again.
The nurse came in a moment later and checked all of his vitals before paging the doctor.
“Love you,” he murmured to me before closing his eyes again.
“Stay awake for just a while longer, Mr. Klein,” the nurse said soothingly. “The doctor wants to check you over.”
Levi opened his eyes again, but it looked like it was an effort to do so. “Stay awake, baby.” I kissed his forehead.
“How many days was I out?” he croaked, blinking up at me.
“Just about a week. You were out almost immediately after we came. Remind me to yell at you later about lying to me.”
After We Fell (Falling Fast #1.5) Page 8