That got a smile out of him. “Had to lie, you would never have gone.”
“Damn right, I wouldn’t have.” I returned his grin. My heart felt full, hearing him talk and seeing his eyes again.
The doctor strode in with purpose and looked over the notes on the computer. “Okay then, let’s just see what’s going on, shall we?” He was a pleasant sort with a great bedside manner.
He went through a whole checklist of things, asking Levi how this felt, or that. Then ordered a ton of labs to check his numbers for the day.
“You have one nasty infection going on in there. As I've told your wife, the antibiotics aren’t doing much to keep this at bay. After I see your labs, we’ll talk about the next one to try. For now, rest if you can.” He shook both our hands and left, the nurse close on his heels.
“How long were you feeling bad?” I asked softly, trying to keep my voice void of emotion.
“I never felt good after my last round of chemo. At first, I thought it was just that, but then…” He trailed off and averted his eyes.
“Seriously?” My try at not being emotional had failed. I didn’t want to yell at him, but I was so damn mad. “Why?”
“I needed those two days. If this is going to be the end, I needed those two days to love you, to be us again.” He looked so sad, so fragile.
“This is not the end. I won’t allow it.”
He shook his head. “I’m so tired of all of this, Becs, the chemo, being sick all the fucking time. I can’t do it anymore.” He reached for my hand.
I went to his side and held onto him. “No. You have to fight, Levi. You have to. I cannot do this without you.” Tears fell like rain down my cheeks. “You can't leave me yet.”
“It may not be up to either of us. I want you to be prepared, baby.” He lifted my fingers to his lips. “You have a family now, a good support system, and you’re strong as hell. I know it will be hard, but you can get through this.” Tears fell from his eyes too.
“I don’t want to get through anything, and I’m not going to talk about you dying.” I was suddenly mad at him for even bringing it up. I pulled my hand away and stepped away from the bed. “You need to fucking fight for me, Levi.” I fled the room, collapsing in a heap just outside.
Ruth approached cautiously. “What’s going on?”
“He’s awake,” I said between sobs, barely coherent. “He’s giving up, Ruth. He doesn’t want to fight anymore. How can I make him see that I need him?” I screamed. I was a mess, and I didn’t care that I was making a scene.
She gathered me in her arms and rocked me like a baby, making small comforting noises as she patted my back and smoothed my hair.
Everything was falling apart faster than I could glue the cracks together. If he was tired, so was I. But I refused to give up on him. I sobbed until no more tears came, and then I shook silently, unable to stop.
At some point, she picked me up and led me to the waiting room. She sat me in a chair and held both of my hands. “I wish I could tell you that this will get better.”
“Me too.” I sniffled and used the tissue she handed me. “Every time I think I can be happy, the rug gets pulled out from under me. Maybe I’m not meant to have a happy ending after all.”
“No. That’s not true. You’re meant for so much more than this. You will get your happy ending, whether it’s with Levi or not.” She hugged me, and I was surprised how well she was holding it together considering this was her son.
“I really want to believe that, but life has thus far proven that wrong.” I got up and walked back toward Levi’s room. Whatever else would happen, he didn’t need me to be mad at him. I needed to be stronger than this. After giving myself a mental shake, I opened the door and went back in.
“I’m sorry.” I said quietly from the doorway.
Julian looked back at me and smiled. “I’ll leave you two to talk.” He gave my shoulder a squeeze as he walked past.
“You don’t have to apologize for being upset. I know how hard this has been on you.” He motioned for me to come sit.
He was always so sweet. Always wanting to take care of me and make me feel better. My Levi.
“Don’t give up. Please. Promise me you won’t give up.” I was begging. I would get on my knees and beg if that’s what he needed.
“I don’t want to give up, baby. I really don’t. I want a life with you, the one we deserve. But this is out of my hands.”
The rational part of my brain knew he was right; all of this was out of our control. But I still wanted him to tell me he wouldn't stop fighting.
“I’m not going to give up on you, Levi. And I won’t hear any more death talk from you either. You’ve said your piece, and I heard you. From now on, we’re only talking about our future together.” I put on a false smile before leaning in to kiss him.
“Tell me, where do you want to go for our anniversary.” I said the words because I had to believe he would get better.
Chapter 9
Sadie made me go home again. For weeks, I had been at the hospital, unwilling to leave him or miss even one moment. But everyone forced me to leave.
“It’s hard for me to be here without him,” I said as we sat on my bed. “This place is ours, and I shouldn’t be here alone.”
“You’re not alone.” She reached a hand out to me.
“I know, but I shouldn’t be here without him. I keep thinking that something will go wrong while I’m gone.”
“That’s normal, I think. But you can’t be there every second of every day,” she said soothingly.
“Why not?”
“Because you need to sleep and eat and shower like a normal person, Becca.”
“I can do all that at the hospital; they even brought me a little cot to sleep on last week.” I smiled.
“You know what I mean. This is consuming you. And before you say anything, I get it, I really do. But you need time to yourself too. Even just an hour or so away to gather your thoughts. We’re all there whenever you need us.”
And they were too. Chad and Samuel were back and forth from New York as much as possible because of work and school. Ruth was living at the condo, and Sadie and Julian spent every available free hour with us as the hospital.
“I never imagined my first year of marriage would be like this. When you think of your happy ending, it never includes cancer. This year should have been all about discovering the weird things we never knew about each other. I should be complaining to you that he leaves all the cabinets open and never puts the seat down instead of worrying about my husband dying.” I pounded my hand onto the mattress.
“I am worried about that, you know. As much as I try not to think about that eventuality, it could happen.” I felt myself crumbling.
“I wish I could say something that would come close to making you feel better, but there’s nothing to say. This is the worst situation, and I think you’re holding it together remarkably well.”
“I don’t feel like I’m handling this well at all. I feel like I’m held together by tape most days. For so long I resented the role I was thrust into, and he resented that he needed me to do everything for him. Now, I would go back to that in a heartbeat if it meant he was getting better. I would do just about anything to have him here with me at home.” I choked on the words, feeling a sob rip free.
She didn’t say anything for a while because, really, what was there to say? We both knew this was a shitty time in my life.
“You know, when my mom died, I didn’t feel sad at all. I don't know that I ever cried for her, like actual tears for her as a person. I’m sure I cried for Chad because he felt so guilty, but I didn’t feel sad to lose her. She wasn’t my real family. Even though she brought me into this world, she never was my family. Everything in my life up until last year was crap. My parents were shit, my life was shit. I got so used to believing that no one could ever love me.” I paused, trying to gather my thoughts into something that made sense.
“
Levi made me see that there was this whole world out there for me. He opened my eyes to love and made me believe that I deserved it. He’s so much more than my husband, and love isn't strong enough for how I feel about him. He’s my family, my heart. To see him like this now, a shell of who he was, it hurts me, tears at my heart. I want him to fight for me, but there’s a little part of me that just wants him to have peace and be pain free.” The last bit was a whisper.
“I hate seeing you hurting like this. No matter what happens, I know you’ll get through it because you’re so much stronger than you think you are.” She pulled me into a hug.
“I don’t want to be strong anymore. For once, I want things to be easy.”
“If anyone deserves a break, it’s you.” She smiled against my cheek.
“Maybe next year.” I smiled back, but it felt hollow.
“Okay, you need to actually get some sleep.” She pulled away and untucked my blankets.
I nodded and slid between the sheets while she walked to the door.
“I’ll be in the other room if you need me, okay? Try and rest.” She blew a kiss and closed the door behind her.
I lay back on the pillow and tried to imagine sleeping. I remembered the first time we had laid in this bed together the night we moved in. We had stayed up late, dreaming about the future. It felt like a million years ago when we were carefree and our biggest worry was passing our classes.
I rolled over onto his pillow and breathed in his scent, feeling overwhelming sadness. At some point, I must have cried myself to sleep. I don’t remember drifting off, but I opened my eyes and saw that I had managed a couple of hours.
I heard voices in the other room. Sadie and probably Julian or Ruth. I came out and found that it was Sadie and Julian.
“Hey.” He smiled at me. “Sleep well?”
I shrugged. “Define well?” I had slept, but I didn’t feel rested. I was beginning to feel numb again, and honestly, it wasn’t a bad thing.
“I just came from sitting with Levi. He’s worried about you.”
I snorted. “He’s worried about me? The man in a hospital bed, fighting for his life, is worried about his healthy wife?”
Julian gave me a look. “You know exactly why he’s worried. He says you aren’t taking care of yourself. You’ve lost weight.”
I could feel myself cracking, the tape holding me together was coming unstuck. “I’m doing my best.”
“Are you?” He gave me a level look. He was always saying crap to me, always in my business.
“Fuck off, Julian.” I rolled my eyes. “I don’t need a lecture on how I need to eat and sleep more. What I need to do is go back to the hospital and be with my dying husband. When you’re in my shoes, then you can tell me how I should be doing better.” Anger blazed through me. “You don’t know how I feel. Sure, he’s your best friend and you’re broken up about this. He’s my husband, the blood in my fucking veins. So when I tell you that I’m doing my best, you can believe that I’m doing my best.” I stalked away from them and grabbed my keys from the counter.
Levi smiled at me when I walked into his hospital room fifteen minutes later. “You look huffy.”
I laughed an actual honest to goodness laugh. “Julian called you?” I was less angry at him now and more or less embarrassed at my blow up.
“He did.” There was that smile again.
“You think I should call and apologize?” I sank down into the chair next to him. I really felt bad; I didn’t need to yell at my friends for caring about me.
“Nah, he probably had it coming. He’s such a busybody.”
“Did you really just say busybody? Who says that? Are you an old woman all of a sudden?” I laughed again.
“Yep, I’m changing my name to Esther.” He brushed his lips against my fingers.
I had forgotten how amazing his laugh was, and I wanted to hear more. “So what did he say when he called?”
“That you told him to fuck off. I liked that part. Well done, my love.” I was rewarded with another laugh.
“I’ll tell more people to fuck off if it means you’ll keep smiling like that.”
“Who should we do next? My mom?” He giggled.
“Levi! I would never say that to her.” I was horrified.
“I know, I just wanted to see that shocked expression on your face.”
“You’re the worst. You know that, right?” I grinned at him. “And by worst, I, of course, mean the best.”
We spent the next hour laughing and talking about anything other than sickness. It felt good to pretend, even if it was just for a little while.
****
Nothing was working. His fever was out of control most days. He had a constant IV drip to keep him hydrated, and they were trying every antibiotic under the sun, some worked for a while and then stopped just as he was showing improvement. We were on week five in the hospital, and no one was enjoying it.
Levi’s sense of humor was gone again, so was mine. We snapped at each other and all of our loved ones constantly. I felt awful all the time, and my nerves were live wires resting just beneath the surface.
Everything was at a standstill while Levi was in the hospital. This was my life, and everything else seemed inconsequential. I almost felt like my life up until now had prepared me for this. All the crap I had gone through with my sister and dad, and then living with a drunk for a mom. I had gotten through all of that somehow; I had watched my sister die in front of my eyes. Maybe that had prepared me to lose the love of my life.
The infection was in his lungs now, and it made it really hard for him to breathe. Most of the time, he had an oxygen mask on, which made talking hard.
I still begged him on a daily basis not to give up the fight. He would say he wasn’t, but we both knew that was a lie. I was a helpless character cast in this awful play that was our life.
Ruth and I were down in the cafeteria eating lunch; she had made me come as usual.
“How long did you sleep last night?” Her brown eyes were filled with worry.
“Couple of hours,” I said between bites of salad. I never slept anymore. I would drift off and then wake in a panic thinking he had died.
“The doctor says they’re trying a new med today.” She sounded hopeful.
“Yeah, he sounded like he thought it could work.” I was rapidly losing my belief in hope; it was too scary.
We ate in silence for a while. It was hard to hold a normal conversation anymore; both of us were so consumed with Levi and his condition. And really, we didn’t need to hash it out every time we spoke. We both knew the score.
“Have you two discussed what his wishes are?” She broached the subject carefully.
“His wishes?” I looked at her dumbly.
“For after …”
Oh, after. His wishes for a funeral and where to be buried or if he wanted to be cremated. That’s not something a nineteen-year-old should ever be thinking about.
“No, not really. I don’t want to think about it. I can’t think about it. I feel like the second I start making plans for how to cope after he passes then it will happen. I need to try and stay optimistic, at least for a little while longer.”
She nodded and let the subject drop, and I was grateful. Funeral talk could wait. Everything could wait.
I pushed my food away, I barely ate anything, but I wasn’t hungry. While Ruth finished, I looked around at the people sharing the room with us. So many families, some looking as sad as I was and others showing pictures of brand new life on their phones. This place, where lives both began and ended. Such a crazy mix of emotions swirling in here. When Levi got out, I would make it my life’s goal to stay away from hospitals as much as possible.
After Ruth finished her meal, we walked back to Levi’s room. She left me at the door saying she was going home for a while. It was just as well; it was hard to pretend to be normal these days. It was easier for me to sit in silence in Levi’s room. I didn’t have to answer questions or pr
etend that I was okay.
He was awake when I went in, his bed in the upright position, and for once, he wasn't wearing the oxygen mask. Looked like today would be one of his rare good days.
“Hey, beautiful.” He smiled and scooted over on the bed.
I smiled back and climbed in next to him, careful of his IV lines.
“How was lunch?” I felt the rumble of his words against my arm.
“Eh, it was okay.” I shrugged.
“Why’s that?”
“Your mom asked me about your wishes for after.”
“Oh. Yeah, that will ruin a lunch in a hurry. I know you don’t want to talk about that, but maybe we should?”
“No, not today. Ask me again in a week.” I smiled as I sent up a prayer for another week.
“Deal. So did you hear the new gossip?”
“I haven’t.” I settled further into the pillow. Levi was always up on the hospital gossip. The nurses loved him and were always telling him what was going on.
“Well, it seems that Margie is having an affair,” he whispered as though someone could hear us in here with the door closed.
“What? Really?” I gasped. That wasn’t news at all.
“You knew?” He turned slightly to look at me.
“I have my own sources.” I laughed when he slapped at my arm.
This was nice, almost like we weren’t sitting in a hospital bed. I could almost forget where we were. Almost.
“What do you think heaven is like?” he asked after a moment.
The question sent a dart of unease into my heart. “I don’t know. Probably awesome.”
“Yeah. I wonder if we look the same or if we get new bodies. Do you think I’ll recognize my grandpa up there?” I could tell he needed to ask these questions, so I let him continue.
“I would like to hope that we’ll know our family up there,” I said carefully.
“I’m not sure I’m ready to go yet, to heaven.” He took my hand in his own.
“You’re not ready. We still have to do so many things. You won’t be ready until you’re at least one hundred, and we’ll go together in our sleep like in The Notebook and no one will be sad because we went together.” I sighed and laid my cheek against his chest. I could feel the bones so close under his skin.
After We Fell (Falling Fast #1.5) Page 9