Gilded Wings

by Laura Miller

  Within an instant my door swung open, Connor came rushing over, scooping me up into a hug. His tender fingers repetitively stroking my face gently. I sat encaged in the arms of Connor sobbing endlessly. My head pressed against his bare chest. Tears spilling uncontrollably.

  "Sssshh.... sssshh, it's okay. What’s wrong Evie, what happened?"

  I could tell he was genuinely scared. I couldn't talk. My speech impaired by the quiver of my lips. My body tremouring into submission. My words lost to the shock of my dream.

  Connor engulfed me further in to his arms, caressing my back with his thick fingers. The sensation was surreal. My body started to unwind under his touch. My breathing began to regulate under his sweet embrace. My body melted into his arms.

  “Talk to me sweetheart.” The way he used that term of endearment so naturally made the hairs on the nape of my neck stand to attention.

  "I just had a bad dream".

  "Must have been one hell of a bad dream, you scared the shit outta me,"

  I nodded in agreement.

  Connor walked out of my room and I was left feeling deflated. I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to close my eyes and see him again, tormenting me with his vulgar smile.

  "Hey you okay?" he said as he walked over to me. With one single movement he had scooped me up into his strong bare arms and carried me to my bathroom. Steam was rising from the hot bubble bath.

  "I thought you may want a bath? I heard lavender is calming, so I poured some of it into the water. Thought it might be what you need."

  "Thank you." This was the first time in years I had felt special or taken care of. Without thinking I dropped my silk night dress to the floor. Stepping out of it and straight into the bath. The water was sublime, encasing my body into the milky warmth of my surroundings. Sweet lavender scented the air bringing my mind back in to peace.

  "I should um go. Shit sorry. I didn't do this to see you, you know, naked". He turned his back to me and started to walk out of the bathroom. Wow. Under the glow of full light, Connor looked physically sensational standing just in his black boxer shorts. His back was tightly toned. I wondered what it would feel like to trace my fingers over every inch of his body.

  "It's ok, I know you didn't. I should have thought too. Would you mind sitting with me though? I could do with the company. I don’t want to be alone."

  He pulled a towel from the rail and placed it on the honey gold oak flooring. He slouched down resting his back against the white tiled wall with his knees bent and arms resting on top of them.

  “Do you want to talk about it?"

  I hesitated. Did I want to talk about it?

  "Every now and then, I see his face, I just have flash backs. Not often, but they catch me off guard. I am sorry I scared you, I didn't mean to scream the house down."

  “Don't ever apologies Evie. You said you see his face, who is he?" The tone of Connors voice was bitter. I could pin point the moment each muscle in his body clenched. The white of his knuckles pressing through his tightly bound skin. His eyes darkening with apparent protection for me.

  "Is it ok if we don't talk about this? It’s history and I really don't want to drag it up."

  I could see he wanted to ask more. He didn't press me though. Anger in his eyes, but he respected my wishes. I was touched by his interest in asking what my dream had been about. It was heart warming to see his reaction to my misfortune. I had told no one the details of that day, not even Henry. And I wanted to keep it that way. Henry never pried, when I had woken up in a similar way previously he accepted my explanation of it being a bad dream. He never asked any further so I never told him. I didn't lie, it had just been a bad dream, a horrifically bad dream. I just never elaborated. As his violence was the trigger I didn’t want him having anymore of a hold over me. My memories were just that, memories, not his hold over my life.

  I tilted my head back dropping all of my hair into the water. Losing my eyes and feeling the water glide over me. As I lifted back up I saw Connor’s eyes watching me. He was sat right next to the bath. Just inches from me; completely naked. I checked the positioning of the bubbles. Relived to have confirmation I was covered by them. He silently reached over and lifted the shampoo bottle from the side. He tipped it allowing the creamy liquid to pool into his huge palm.

  “Let me” the words rolled from his tongue so softly. I wanted his touch so I nodded. His hands sunk into my wet hair massaging the shampoo into my scalp and throughout the lengths of my long brunette hair. His touch was firm but gentle. I couldn’t help but let out a moan as my body melted under his touch. His hands paused for a moment as I heard his breathing increase, he had felt it too. I imagined his motions playing out over various parts of my body. Firm enough to warrant mind blowing orgasms, but gentle enough to know he was caring for my body. A heavy pulsing sensation crept between my legs. My body was eager for him but my head knew I was with Henry.

  "I'm going to get washed and then get out now", I smiled hoping he would take the hint.

  "I'll wait outside for you."

  I stood up and reached for the soft newly laundered fluffy cream towel and wrapped it around my body. The scent of vanilla covering my damp skin. Looking into the mirror I saw my reflection, for once I wasn’t shocked by my reflection, something had changed. I looked happy. Intoxicated but happy. I was thinking about Connor. I wiped away my thoughts and slipped on a fresh night dress from the cupboard. As I walked out through the bathroom door I could see Connor standing there in the hall, back pressed firmly against the wall. Patiently awaiting me. His eyes widened and mouth parted as he looked over the silk and lace which hung from my body. The silky midnight blue fabric clung to my breasts finishing just below my buttocks, edged in delicate lace. I felt empowered by the reaction I was causing Connor to have. I glanced down and smirked as I saw a tent appear in his boxer shorts. He caught my gaze.

  "Shit, sorry, um" he blushed and turned around muttering something to himself.

  "It's ok, don't worry about it". I smiled at him and touched his arm. The touch sent surges of intense lusting through me. I may have felt it but I would never indulge in it, I was not that kind of woman.

  Connor followed me into my bedroom. As I slipped into my brass king size bed I saw Connor standing in the doorway. He looked deep in contemplation. The light flicked off.

  Footsteps crept towards my bed and I felt Connor slip under the sheets and lie down next to me. I curled onto my side, my back to him. He pressed his body against mine, wrapping his arms around my waist pulling me tighter into him. Our fingers entwined. Our bodies as one.

  "I'm here with you, don't be scared just close your eyes and sleep."

  His soft lips met with the nape of my neck. “Goodnight Evie”.

  My eyes fluttered and I drifted off into a peaceful sleep, he made me feel safe. This was my serenity.

  Chapter 7

  I awoke to the sunlight breaking through the sheer silk of the bedroom curtains. The heat of the morning rays against my skin made it unbearable to lie here any longer. I felt the comfort of two strong arms holding me tightly. His warm skin pressed against mine. I glanced behind me and saw Connor peacefully asleep. I edged my way out of his arms trying cautiously not to wake him. As I slipped out of bed I ran to the bathroom.

  Reality intrudes, crashing down around me. This is far beyond my rational way of thinking. I have a man in my bed, a man who is in any case not Henry. How the hell could I have done this? I ran the cold faucet and splashed cold water across my burning forehead trying in desperation to wake myself up from this dream of purgatory. I had to deal with the consequences of my unjustified, oestrogen fuelled, intoxicated state of despair ridden actions and remove Connor from my bed. Immediately.

  "Mornin Evie." He said in a half-asleep slur as I walked back into my bedroom.

  "Hey.” I paused hesitantly, “look, thank you for last night and looking after me, but this really cannot happen. You shouldn't be in my bed and that was wrong of me f
or letting you".

  "It's ok Evie, I would never take advantage of you. I just wanted to look after you. Do you want to talk about your dream?"

  "It's nothing, honestly, just a few bad memories" I paused for a moment, "I need you to go". I had a look of sincerity in my eyes, I needed him to know I was serious. That he couldn’t be here with me.

  "Look Evie",

  I interrupted him. "No I am sorry, I really am, but my life is pretty fucked up as it is and I can't have you here. I need you to go. Please". I didn’t want him to go, but he had too. I couldn’t have this moral debate with myself. Rational reason had prevailed. Connor sleeping in my bed was wrong.

  The hurt in his eyes pained me. I wanted to take back my words, but I couldn't. I wouldn't do this to Henry or myself.

  Conner stepped out of my bed and walked to the spare room. I heard him dress and walk back along the hall, the footsteps stopped outside my bedroom door.

  "I'm here if you need me Evie", then he left.

  I heard the front door close and I knew that was it. He was gone.

  Chapter 8

  I walked downstairs into the lounge and flipped open my laptop.

  1 new email:

  To: Everline Cross

  From: Henry Webber

  21st September 2012

  11.58pm

  Hey Baby,

  Just to let you know I got arrived here well. I have arranged the booking of the wedding. It will be on October 18th at Botleys Mansion, Mother has contacts. While I am away why not go dress shopping and organise the bridesmaid dresses. Mother is sorting the caterers and flowers, you just need the dresses.

  Love You

  Henry

  He means next month, four weeks until we get married, is he kidding me.

  To: Henry Webber

  From: Everline Cross

  22nd September 2012

  8.38am

  Hi Henry,

  Are you referring to our wedding being next month? In 4 weeks? It's a little fast wouldn't you say? Can we do it perhaps next year?

  Where are you staying?

  Love me

  He must have got it wrong, he must mean next year. There is no way that could be right. Surely?

  I wandered into the kitchen and flicked on the kettle, as it boiled I poured some cereal and began munching on my juvenile chocolaty pops. I strolled into the front room with my freshly made hot cup of tea and flicked on the television. Day time tv, urgh, nothing worse. Chat shows discussing who is doing who, who hates who or who’s the daddy..... My laptop alerted me to a mew message.

  To: Everline Cross

  From: Henry Webber

  22nd September 2012

  9.06am

  Yes next month, what is the point of waiting? Mother informs me you have an appointment at the bridal shop on Wellington Street at 11am, Lucy and Alexis will meet you there, it has all been arranged If you feel it is too soon then perhaps you don’t want to marry me, do you Everline?

  Staying in Goa

  Love You

  Henry

  To: Henry Webber

  From: Everline Cross

  22nd September 2011

  9.10am

  Hi Henry,

  Sorry of course I want to marry you. I was just more aware of the time restraints, as wedding’s can take years to plan.

  Love me

  I bet 'mother' has arranged everything, interfering old hag.

  ***

  I walked along Wellington Street until I arrived at the bridal shop Henry’s mother had organised to meet me at. As I stood in front of the boutique I wanted to turn and run in response. It was a ghastly, over the top designer wedding dress shop. Goudy white mock pillars adorned the entrance. A line up of meringue style dresses lined the full length glass windows. The only thing that would keep me sane today is the company of Lucy and Alexis.

  As I walked inside I was greeted by the pretentious 'Susie' as her name tag clearly displayed.

  "Hi I’m Suzie, darhling, Henry and Vivienne said that you need a ready to wear dress for next month. Vivienne has whittled down her choices, if you got through to the changing room you can start trying them on."

  I walked through to the changing room, confused as to how 'mother' was picking out my wedding dress.

  I slipped on the first dress. Slipped was to polite a word. It was in reality, rustle, squeeze and manoeuvre the twenty layers of tulle and organza over my slight frame. When I saw my reflection in the mirror I couldn’t contain myself. Laughter spilled from my lungs. I look absolutely ridiculous. 1980’s toilet roll cover, had nothing on this dress. All I needed was a poodle perm and I would be ready. It was huge, tacky and covered in little crystals, everywhere.

  “Everything alright in there Evie?” I heard Lucy call, “What’s so funny?”

  As I stepped out of the changing room into the viewing area a surge of laughter filled the room. Lex and Luce were quite literally in fits of gut wrenching laughter at the sight of me. I couldn't help it but I surcame to their behaviour and started poking fun at the horrendous dress. 'Mother' was not impressed, she was clearly livid with our behaviour and Suzie, the shop keeper, seemed to share her thoughts.

  “Why don’t you try on something else darhling.” Susie interjected, trying to diffuse the ridicule of laughter. I glanced through the rails of dresses. They were not me. They were not too far from hideous. I couldn’t bear to fight into another of these dresses.

  I walked back into the changing room and pulled the layers of fabric from my skin as quickly as humanly possible. Slipping back into my clothes and walked out of the changing room.

  "Vivienne, it was lovely to see you, but none of those dresses are quite 'me', I am going to take my bridesmaids and confer wedding plans over a light lunch with lots of alcohol. Do excuse us”.

  Vivienne looked like she was ready to gouge my eyes out. Her mouth tight and eyes staring straight into me. I took the opportunity to swiftly walk out of the bridal boutique with Lex and Lucy running behind me giggling like mindless school girls.

  "Where to bridesmaids?"

  “Let’s go back to mine, I have a bottle of wine and we can order in Chinese, who needs light lunches". With that we walked to my car and headed to Lex's.

  Chapter 9

  "Sooooo, and don't say nothing, as that is not going to cut it. How the hell did Connor end up back at yours?"

  I nearly choked on my chow mein, "What, how? How did you know? Nothing happened." I hastily added.

  “Evie, we know nothing happened, we know you aren't like that but you sure did something to Connor. Travie said he came home in a foul mood. What's up Evie, what happened?" Evie and Alexis both looked at me with excitement in their eyes. Bloody gossips.

  "He escorted me home because he thought it wasn't safe for me to go alone."

  A unanimous "aaahh" came surging from both of them.

  "I said he might as well stay because he had was going to walk back home. In the spare room of course. Then I woke up screaming..."

  "Another Dream?"

  "Yeah, I was shaking and crying. Connor came running in and calmed me. He ran me a bath and then held me for the rest of the night so I could sleep. I felt so safe. When we woke I panicked and told him he had to go, he looked so upset".

  "He is Evie, he told Travie that he doesn't know why but you have got to him and he just wanted to be there for you".

  Alexis understood why I pushed him away; she was four years younger than me and understood the need to push away help. She had done it to me for years after our mother's death.

  "He really likes you," Luce added with a wink, her look exuded filthy, filthy thoughts.

  "I am getting married in four weeks, to the man I have been with for three years. I cannot even entertain the idea of having a wild sordid affair, or even leaving him for that matter. For what? Who else would want me this fucked up? I have no job, no career and no family, except you of course Lex.” I added. “Without him I have nothing.” I whispered, “I
am nothing."

  Luce was furious, anger steamed from her face. "Don't you ever say that, don't you see it, he has you where he wants you, no job, no career, who does that to someone? Huh! He is a spineless prick. You know it and I know it. I love you Evie but this man is unhealthy".

  I fell into flood of tears. "Look I have to marry him, he is all I know and he is a good man, please just support me and be there for me."

  Lucy stood up abruptly and grabbed her bag, "you better be damn sure you know what you’re doing Evie. If you marry him that is your choice. I will always be your friend and I will support you through it but I am telling you, know you’re wrong to do this".

  She stormed past us and walked out of Lex's apartment slamming the door behind her.

  Lex wrapped her arms around me, "It's ok honey, I will always be here for you, both of us will, she is just worried for you. She doesn't want you to be un-happy, neither of us do".

  "I know". I let out a sigh. Deep down I knew Lucy was right. I just didn't have the strength to leave. I suppose part of me was doing it for selfish reasons as I knew I would have nothing if I walked away. The worst part was I worried that no one would ever want me. Connor may have had feelings for me, but I was not prepared to lose my life on a whim.

  ***

  It was dark when I pulled into our drive. I opened the front door walked through to the lounge and collapsed onto the sofa. I turned on my laptop.

  To: Everline Cross

  From: Henry Webber

  22nd September 2012

  9.10pm

  Everline,

  I have just spoken with mother and I am furious with the tone that you took with her in the bridal boutique. You talk to her with nothing but respect. Do not under any circumstances embarrass me or her like that again. I am warning you Everline.

  Henry

  Bollocks, this is why I shouldn't get brave with Henry or Vivienne. I find the bond they share a little too intense but she is his mother and I have to learn to live with that. I have to pacify him, I was completely and utterly wrong for disrespecting his mother.