The Penance Room

by Carol Coffey

  “Andy. You and your wife have given me a good home. Been good friends to me,” he says. “So, I practise and learn a tune from Scotland to thank you for all you do. To thank you for being my friend. For your birthday.”

  My father nods and I can see this means a lot to him. Wilfred rarely speaks more than one or two sentences any more. He starts to play and I am surprised to feel a fast beat running across the floorboards under my feet. Everybody is clapping along and stamping their feet to the music that I wish I could hear. Martin is tapping his toes as is Father Hayes. My dad and Aishling are also enjoying it as they nod along with smiles on their pale faces.

  Kora gets a drink for herself and Jeff and I watch Jimmy frowning at them. When Jeff returns to his seat I see his father say, “Don’t you get any ideas about asking that blackfella out.”

  I hang my head. I am ashamed of Jimmy. I know that he is a sad man but I am angry that he thinks my aunt is not good enough because of her skin colour. I watch Jeff’s sunburnt face redden even more and think he will back down but he turns in towards his father and I watch the side of his mouth move. I cannot see his words but Jimmy looks angry so I know Jeff has told him off and I am pleased.

  Wilfred finishes his tune and everyone claps, including Iren. He smiles and returns to his shy ways. My father shakes his hand and hugs him and Wilfred looks both pleased and embarrassed at the same time. Bill picks up his guitar again to play some rock ’n’ roll songs which my father also loves. My mother asks my father for a dance and I am happy to watch them twirl around the room. Aishling asks Jeff up and I watch Kora look enviously at them. When the song is finished Aishling hands Jeff over to Kora. I knew she was up to something. Like my mother, she is trying to encourage the couple along. Jeff, whose head is already light from the punch, reddens and stammers. He glances briefly at his father who glares back. Jeff smiles and I know he is wondering what is coming over him. He has no idea that Bill put whiskey in the punch. Nobody has. Nobody except Bill and me. I watch my mother fan herself from the heat and fill herself a large glass and I cannot help but giggle. If her father could see her, he would be preaching fire and brimstone for weeks to come.

  The night wears on and everyone seems to be enjoying themselves, even Jin and Li who I hear telling Tina that they never get asked to non-Chinese parties. Martin is talking to Jeff even though there is no love lost between their families. When my father starts to play a tune on his fiddle, Mina gets up to dance with Bill. My mother whispers into his ear to go easy on her hips and he nods. He later dances with Penelope and Victoria. He asks Iren to dance but she refuses. Father Hayes, as usual, dances with Aishling and has that faraway look in his eye. Catherine is seated in her special wheelchair and is smiling out into the room. It is hard to tell by her expression but I think she is happy to be here. I watch my father ask my mother to dance again, a slow dance this time and he has the look in his eye, the look that tells me not to go into their room later even if I am afraid of the train. I am getting too big for that anyway.

  Jeff has to leave and Kora, who has to help my mother and Tina get everyone to bed, goes to the front door with him to say goodnight. She is embarrassed that everyone is watching her as she leaves the room. She is now thirty-eight years old and feels foolish standing on the doorstep with a man she should have married almost twenty years before. I look through the crack in the door at the awkward couple.

  “There’s a dance. Next week,” he says flatly. “Will you come?” He waits for the refusal and puts his hat too far forward on his head, concealing his eyes.

  “I’ll see,” Kora says, quickly closing the door to ease her embarrassment. When she turns, she finds an audience gathered just behind the doorway: Aishling, my mother and me.

  “Haven’t you fellas got anything better to do?” she asks sharply as we break into laughter.

  “You said yes!” my mother says, following her into the Penance Room.

  “I said maybe,” Kora replies sharply.

  In the corner of the room Martin is arguing with Tina for another whiskey and she is trying unsuccessfully to cajole him to his room.

  My father is sitting peacefully, smiling at my mother. Kora looks at him and smiles. She hates drink but she loves her brother-in-law.

  “Emma, you best get this one to bed,” she says, nodding at my father. “We’ll look after the rest.”

  My mother puts her arm around my father’s back and leads him to their room. He stops in the doorway and kisses her.

  “It’s my birthday!” he says and she laughs.

  She throws her head back, her long golden neck shining with sweat. “I know,” she laughs as she closes the door gently, leaving me on the other side.

  Chapter 9

  “Mum!” I scream as I sit up in my bed and shake the sweat from my forehead. It is the same dream. I look at my watch. It is 3 a.m. Same time as always. I rise and look out the window at the train track and notice that there is no train passing. I realise that I have known this all along and that for some reason, at exactly this time almost every night, my fear wakes me and leaves me to face a night of roaming around the hallways. I leave my bedroom and notice that Aishling is dozing at her desk, something my mother doesn’t like her to do.

  I think the party must have made her tired. I walk down to Martin’s room and find him once again under his bed. I wonder if he has been calling out and worry that he needed help and Aishling didn’t hear him. I see his shadow move under his bed in the dimly lit room and crawl under with him, scaring him half to death.

  “Don’t you ever sleep?” he asks me.

  I nod.

  “Sorry for telling your mother about the train. I suppose you didn’t want me to say anything.”

  I nod again.

  “If you stay quiet, you’ll see them,” he tells me, putting his fingers to his lips. He forgets that I am as silent as his ghosts. I am beginning to get frightened. I don’t want to see angry spirits but I am even more afraid to crawl out from our hiding place. We wait a while. Neither of us moves. I can smell Martin’s whiskey breath on the side of my head. In his hand he is rolling something in paper. I look at him.

  “Oh. It’s just my tablets. They think I don’t know that they are trying to poison me. I figured it out. See these ones?” he asks, shoving a large collection of small red tablets towards me. “They’re the nasty ones. They’re the ones that send me to sleep. Can’t afford that. Have to be on my guard all the time. Too dangerous to sleep with them around.”

  He looks up suddenly and puts his hand over my mouth. He keeps forgetting that I don’t speak, or at least rarely speak. He hears something and I can feel my heart quicken. I can feel every muscle in his body tense up. His face is white and his chin is quivering. Even though I am terrified I look out from underneath the blankets but I cannot see anyone. Martin cowers back as though he can see someone looking in at us. He starts thrashing about and kicks me accidentally. He is trying to get out from under the bed but his foot catches in the blanket hanging over the side, causing him to fall.

  “Get out!” he screams. “Get out of my room!” He is flailing his arms and legs but cannot get up. I can see the fear on his face as he tries desperately to get to his feet. He starts to cry. I forget my own fear and come out from my hiding place and put my arms around him.

  “Can you see them?” he asks.

  I nod.

  “My brothers? You can see them?”

  I nod again.

  “I knew they were there and I knew that you of all people would see them. I am not mad.”

  He has a tight hold of me and is wiping his eyes in my pyjamas. I struggle to prise his grip off me and, signing to him that I’ll be back, I go to my room to get my notebook. I return and write him a note.

  “Tell them that you are sorry.”

  I am taking Dr Alder’s advice.

  He looks at me and looks into space where he thinks his brothers are standing.

  “No!” he says, sending spit flying onto
my pyjamas. “They blame me for my brother’s death and for my father’s but it wasn’t my fault.”

  I shove the note closer to his face. Even now, when he is scared, he thinks that he was not to blame. He looks out into the room and swallows but then looks angrily back at me.

  “I won’t say it. I won’t.”

  I write him another note.

  “What about your wife? Will you say sorry to her?”

  “She’s not here. I thought you could see them?” His face turns red and he begins to cough.

  Now it is my turn to be afraid. I don’t want to make him angry. I don’t want him to know I cannot see anyone.

  “She was here when you were under the bed,” I write, already feeling guilty. It is not like me to lie.

  He looks around the room and checks again.

  “She’s gone,” he says.

  I nod.

  I help him up and sit him on the bed. He gets under the blankets but doesn’t lie down. I can tell that he is afraid to fall asleep as he breathes deeply and continues to shake.

  “Will you stay with me for a while? At least until I fall asleep?” he asks.

  I nod and I am amazed that within minutes he is sleeping soundly.

  I take the tablets from his hiding place underneath the bed and leave them on Aishling’s desk outside my room. She is still sleeping soundly. I open my door as quietly as I can but my father says it creaks and no one has bothered to fix it. She raises her head sleepily.

  “Christopher?” she asks as I move quickly into the doorway.

  I close the door gently, hoping she will not remember that I was around.

  In the morning, I wake early. I am tired and turn over to face the wall, trying to block out the sun that is glaring into my hot room. It is Saturday and the house is usually quieter on Saturdays when the day patients are at home with their families.

  I pass quickly by Martin’s room. Tina is helping him to the Penance Room and is scolding him for not taking his tablets. His arms are moving quickly and I know he is shouting. I pass quickly as I don’t want to face him. He will know it was me who told.

  I make my way to my mother’s office. The door is open and there is a woman there that I don’t know. I go in and sit down to listen. She has bright blue eyes and black hair tied tightly in a bun on top of her head.

  “So, Greta, you’re from London?” my mother asks.

  The woman nods and smiles, revealing two gold teeth. I have never seen anyone with gold in their mouth before. I limp closer to her to see them and she doesn’t move away from me. She has a happy way about her that I like.

  “I nursed there for oh, about ten years. I came to Australia recently. Fancied a change of scenery. A bit of adventure. I got a few months’ work at the hospital but that dried up. I know I’d get full-time work in a city but I prefer a smaller place. I want to see the real Australia.”

  “Well, you’re the first to answer the advert. I only put it up yesterday,” my mother says. “It’s only part-time and there would be some shift covers if someone is sick. Do you think you could work at short notice?”

  “Yeah. That’d be no problem.”

  “How do you feel about the elderly?”

  My mother always asks this question.

  Greta frowns and shrugs. “They are just people who are older.”

  My mother seems happy with this although I am never really sure what the wrong answer would be. She offers to show Greta around and they walk across the hallway to the Penance Room. My mother likes to introduce interviewees to the residents. She thinks they are good judges of character and she watches closely as Greta shakes their hands and smiles at them with her shiny teeth. Greta seems to pick up on Penelope and Victoria’s nervousness and puts them at ease. She also knows not to try to shake hands with Wilfred who doesn’t like to be touched. She kneels down to face Iren in her special chair. She has a gentle look in her eye and Iren smiles back. I swallow hard as she approaches Martin and Jimmy. They are in foul humour today, probably from drinking too much whiskey at the party last night. Instantly, and as though they planned it, they say in unison: “Fuckin’ pommy!” Both men quickly turn to stare at each other, their eyes opened wide in amazement. It’s the first time they have ever expressed the same point of view and this unnerves them both.

  Greta, unperturbed, smiles at them. “Well, boys, no one knows for sure if the term ‘pommy’ refers to convicts transported here from the UK but, if it does, I came here of my own free will. Now, some of your ancestors might have travelled here free as ‘Prisoners Of Mother England’ but my fare cost me an arm and a leg!”

  With that, Greta bursts out laughing and neither Jimmy nor Martin have any choice but to laugh along with her. Otherwise, it would look like she had got the better of them and they weren’t having that.

  Greta extends her hand to them and they both shake it. My mother is enjoying the scene and I notice her stifle a laugh.

  She then takes Greta to the babies’ room and introduces every resident there to her, even though most of them are asleep. She takes her into Father Hayes’ room but he is kneeling down saying his rosary. Greta apologises for interrupting his prayers and moves quickly from the room. I can see the delight on my mother’s face. Rita had upset Father Hayes more than once by taking the beads from his hands to look at them while he is praying. When they return to the Penance Room, Mina has come down and is sitting in her chair. She has obviously been stealing food from the kitchen again and a piece of toast is sticking out from under her. I see Greta look at it but she takes my mother’s lead and doesn’t say anything.

  As they turn to leave the room they almost run into Kora who still has her hair tied up the way it was last night.

  “Sorry!” Greta says jovially.

  Kora frowns.

  “This is my sister, Kora,” my mother says.

  I can see the look on Greta’s face. I always enjoy it when my mother introduces Kora to people. There are always those few moments of awkwardness where people don’t know what to say.

  But Greta is not like most people and without malice or offence replies almost instantly, “Blimey, your dad got around!”

  My mother and Kora look at each other and burst into laughter.

  I can tell Mother is pleased. Everyone seems to like Greta and she has even got the better of Martin and Jimmy.

  “When can you start?”

  Greta smiles. “Whenever suits you.”

  I walk away and leave Greta and my mother to sort things out.

  I usually follow my father around on Saturdays but he is still asleep. I go out to our side garden which is shaded by tall palm trees. Even though the back yard is much larger, you can see trains passing and though I am not afraid of them during the day, I still turn my eyes away as they pass and would prefer not to see them at all. I like the side garden better anyway because it feels like an oasis in a desert. My father has put a small water fountain to the side and a round wooden bench encircles a large gum tree in the centre.

  Wilfred is sitting there alone. Like me, he is waiting for my father to wake up. I sit on the far side of the bench, anxious not to make him nervous. I can see the breeze blow the trees gently but it is not enough to cool us. Most of the garden is shaded at this time of the morning so it is a good time to sit here and think.

  Maria said her parents are visiting this weekend but she has not invited me over to see them and I am unsure whether or not I should just visit anyway. I take off my shoes and love the feel of the hot sand beneath my feet. I stare at the hundreds of bull ants that are crawling over the bench and on the sand beneath us. I watch Wilfred scratch as the ants bite at him. They don’t bother me now although I remember crying from the pain of a bite when I was little. My mother was asleep so Aishling put ice on it and gave me lollies to quieten me.

  I sit in silence with Wilfred until my father comes out. He waves cheerfully as he enters the garden and sits down to settle into a conversation. As usual, I sit and watch. T
here is always something new to learn.

  Chapter 10

  It is Tuesday morning and I am sitting waiting patiently for Stéphane Laver to arrive. Not much happened over the weekend and I am anxious for some entertainment. Kora didn’t go with Jeff to the dance but on Sunday, when he came to visit his father, she walked with him towards his car where they stood and talked for a few minutes. They stood sideways, leaning against the muddy truck and, no matter where I stood in the window, I could not see what they were saying. I wanted to creep outside and watch them from a closer position but I knew the screech of the fly-screen door would give me away so I seethed in the Penance Room, annoyed to be missing out on the news.

  I give up on our visitor coming and walk towards the stairs. I am bored so decide to return to my room and read my history book. In the hallway I meet Mrs Bianchi who used to live in Jimmy’s room before she was moved downstairs. She usually becomes confused at night and it is unusual to see her roaming in the daytime. I instantly know what she is looking for and go on a pretend search with her. Mrs Bianchi’s husband died in an accident at the mine when she was only thirty-two and had four young children to feed. A few weeks after Mr Bianchi died, she pawned her wedding ring for cash but when she returned to retrieve it, someone had bought it and my mother said she never got over the shock. Mother said that Mrs Bianchi carried that shame with her for years and occasionally now I meet her in the hallway searching for her most prized possession. Together we look on the landing and in the dining room where Li is busy setting up for lunch. After a reasonable amount of time I pretend to pick up the ring and show it to her. Even though there is nothing in my hand she takes it from me and slips it back on her bony finger. She smiles and disappears, contented once more for at least a little while. I am bored and have a feeling of restlessness that is unusual for me. I go to my parents’ room and look through my father’s books but there is nothing new that interests me. Even though I am only thirteen, I have surpassed the school books for my age. That is what happens when you have no friends and nothing else to do. I go to Penelope and Victoria’s room. They are downstairs so it is safe to lie on Victoria’s pink-sheeted bed and stare at the sun moving across the ceiling. When they came here first my mother went to great lengths to decorate their room the way they wanted it. The whole room is covered in faded pink-flowered wallpaper with pink carpet and a matching pink wardrobe and dressing-table. There is a smell of musty perfume in the air and their matching floral dressing-gowns hang neatly on the wardrobe door.