The Penance Room

by Carol Coffey

  “Could we turn the piano around?”

  “Why?” Greta asks.

  “So my back is to the wall. It’s – it’s safer. I can see everyone . . . I know where everyone is.”

  Greta smiles sadly at Penelope. We can only imagine what this means and what her father did to her when she was forced to play for him each evening.

  “Sure. Wilfred, will you help?”

  Wilfred and Greta turn the piano around and Penelope sits down to play. As soon as she begins I can see the pleased surprise on the residents’ faces. Even Wilfred, who is a trained musician, is smiling appreciatively.

  When she finishes, Greta reaches forward and pats her lightly on the shoulder but Penelope tenses and moves her shoulders towards her ears as she pulls the cover down.

  Greta looks a little sad and I can see she feels even worse when Wilfred, who rarely speaks, says, “Such talent! What a pity she hates so much to play.”

  I can feel the door open and Henry is standing in the hall, looking for my mother. I follow them to the office and look in at their conversation from the doorway. He has two roughly folded pieces of paper in his hand and seems to be out of breath.

  “Sorry, I’m just passing by and thought I show you these. Found them in my father’s things. Look, it says my grandfather died of pneumonia. I think my aunts’ confession might be wishful thinking on their part.”

  My mother nods but I can see that she is not convinced.

  Henry continues. “It got me thinking about my grandmother. I know nothing about her. I decided to get her death certificate and got the shock of my life . . . well, look . . . see for yourself.” He shoves a large piece of paper in my mother’s direction.

  My mother reads it and looks up at Henry in horror. Her face is full of questions.

  “Syphilis? Your grandmother died of syphilis?”

  “Yes. Syphilis. She must have caught it from Grandfather.”

  My mother closes the door, blocking my view. I move outside quickly and look in the window. Henry is facing my direction but I can only see three-quarters of my mother’s mouth. I hope I can understand her words.

  “Maybe . . . or he could have contracted it later on, after the children were all born . . . but it doesn’t make sense . . . if he had it for all that time he’d have passed it onto Penelope when . . .”

  My mother looks to the ground. I know what she was going to say. She turns slightly away from Henry and I can see her mouth better.

  “I know,” Henry said quickly. He doesn’t want her to say any more.

  “Unless . . .” Mother offers hesitantly.

  “What?” Henry asks.

  “I heard Penelope say that her mother was popular with men and they all loved her. I wonder if she was . . . seeing someone else when your grandfather was overseas. After the children were all born?”

  Henry frowns. “Surely that wouldn’t have happened back then?”

  “Why not? Perhaps she was lonely? Perhaps she married the wrong man?”

  Henry wrinkles his forehead and bites his lip. I can see that he doesn’t want to think that his grandmother was unfaithful in her marriage.

  “My God, he was punishing the women for their mother’s actions!” my mother says. “What was it that Victoria said? That he was trying to cleanse them?”

  “Was there no treatment back then?”

  “Some but not like there is now and the treatment wasn’t particularly effective. You had to get it early. Maybe she didn’t know until it was too late? Or maybe she couldn’t get the treatment she needed because your grandfather didn’t want anyone to know? We’ll never know.”

  Henry folded the piece of paper and shoved it into his pocket. A moment passes between the two, neither knowing what to say.

  “You coming later to Wilfred’s party?” Mother finally asks. “Penelope is actually going to play the piano.”

  “Sorry, I can’t. I’m due back on the base now but I’ll be by again soon. Tell them I said have a good night.”

  My mother walks Henry to the door and looks around the garden. I slip down the side and look in the kitchen window. I can smell freshly baked apple pie and my mouth waters. Li is sitting at the table with Mina and Kai and they are leafing through recipe books, planning tonight’s party food.

  “Well, Kai,” Mina says, “I think it’s time we gave you some wings.”

  “Wings?”

  Mina laughs. “That’s what my husband said to me the first time he let me bake without his help. Now, what would you like to make?”

  Kai opens another book on the table. “What about a Peace Cake?” he says, smiling shyly and pointing to a large white frosted cake at the back of the book.

  Mina and Li look at him and start to laugh.

  “I think perhaps it is too soon for this type of cake,” Mina says. “One step at a time!”

  I come inside again and wander down to the Penance Room. I am about to sit in my favourite seat when I see Maria walking quickly up the wooden steps onto the porch. I can feel my heart lift and know that I am falling in love with her but my happiness is short-lived when I see that she is crying and has only come to see me because something is wrong. I open the door but she doesn’t come in and walks back down the steps and towards her grandfather’s house. I instinctively follow her but she walks ahead for the whole journey and doesn’t make allowances for my limp. When we get to the house I instantly see what has upset her. The “For Sale” sign outside her grandfather’s shop has been covered up with a large red “SOLD” sign. She starts to sob and I try to put my arm around her.

  “When?” I sign.

  “Today. He didn’t say anything. A man just pulled up and hammered this up. I don’t want to go!”

  I try to think of something clever to sign but as usual I come up empty.

  I take out my notebook and write.

  “Maybe your grandfather will get a one-storey house? You know, with no stairs so he can manage his wheelchair?”

  Maria’s face turns bright red and I can see both rows of her perfectly formed teeth snarl at me.

  “Are you saying it’s my fault? That he is in a wheelchair because of me?” she spits.

  I am suddenly afraid. If I am to be honest, it is not the first time Maria has frightened me but I am drawn to her as much as she is drawn to me.

  “No,” I sign.

  “You are!” she screams. I can feel the vibrations of her voice against my chest and right now I am as afraid of her as I am of the night train.

  I turn to walk away but she follows me.

  “It’s not my fault. It wasn’t my fault!” she rages into my face but I keep walking away from her.

  I am not unlike my mother. I don’t like confrontation. I keep walking towards my house until I can no longer feel her behind me. When I get to the corner of Menindee road, I turn and am both relieved and disappointed that she is gone.

  I climb the steps to my house and immediately go to my room. I lie down on my bed and try not to think about Maria. The sun is making strange shapes on my ceiling and I can see a mosquito at the foot of my bed. I reach up to pull the mossie net around me but I notice that it is gone and I wonder if Tina has taken it away to wash it. I try to have a nap but it is too hot so I go back downstairs to watch the preparations for Wilfred’s party.

  Kora is off today as she is picking Jeff up from the hospital and driving him home. It will be a long time before he can manage the farm alone so one of his nephews is coming to help him. Greta is blowing up balloons with Penelope and Victoria. I laugh when they jump at the sound of a burst balloon. I was the last to laugh because I didn’t hear the noise it made. Being deaf is sometimes like living in a silent bubble world. You are protected from many experiences but denied so many others. Wilfred is of course in his room. He doesn’t want any fuss for his birthday. He doesn’t think he deserves it and he will not come out of his room until my father makes him.

  I wander over to Jimmy who is staring into space with his m
outh open. I think that he looks dead until he wiggles his nose at a fly that is annoying him. I wave my arms but the fly doesn’t move.

  I sit beside Iren who is watching the action with an amused look on her face. She looks at me and says, “Jacob!”, then puts out her hand to touch my cheek.

  My mother is staring at her and shaking her head. “Has Iren had her medication today?” she asks Tina.

  I don’t mind if she is confused. What is the harm if she thinks I am her son? I am making her happy and that is one of my jobs around here, that and helping my mother.

  At eight o’clock the party starts and Martin is trying to get as much whiskey as he can. Poor Jimmy cannot have a drink and he looks on sadly in the corner. Father Hayes, or Aiden as many of the staff are now calling him, is sitting quietly in the corner, reading. Penelope and Victoria enter the room with Greta and everyone smiles when they see Victoria wearing her new red dress and Penelope entering with her music sheets and a tight smile. It is a night for firsts.

  Penelope sits herself behind the piano that has been moved from the dining room for the occasion. It has been pushed up close to the wall so there is just enough room for Penelope to squeeze herself onto the stool and no room whatsoever for people to come behind her and remind her of the past. My father’s friend Bill is here as usual to play his guitar. He has a quick word with her and together they play a slow melody that I know is not to Bill’s liking. My father is already in a happy mood and I can see a large Scotch whisky in his hand. My mother will not complain.

  He puts down his drink and goes to Wilfred’s room to fetch the Birthday Boy. I follow of course and when we enter Wilfred is already dressed and obviously waiting on my father to come and get him. He is dressed in a black suit that almost looks like what you would wear playing in an orchestra. He rises without protest and follows my father to the lounge room. His face is red with embarrassment but he has obviously decided to go along with it. He sits himself away from the crowd and taps his foot gently to the tune Penelope is still playing. She closes her eyes tightly and seems to lose herself in the music. When she finishes, my father walks quickly over to congratulate her but she jumps up and starts to shout. Father stands back and Greta moves in.

  “Sorry, Penelope,” my father says. “I just wanted to say how beautifully you play.”

  “Penelope knows that, don’t you, love?” Greta says, smiling nervously. I can see her gold tooth shining.

  Penelope nods. “Em . . . yes . . . thank you,” she says before returning to the safety of her seat.

  My father takes up his fiddle and says, “Let’s liven things up, shall we?”

  Aishling is sitting in the corner and jumps up when she hears the fast tune my father is playing. She grabs Martin up to dance. Even though his lungs are very bad, he loves to dance to Irish music and says it reminds him of when he was very young. When he tires, Aishling sits him down and takes Aiden by the hand. He moves a lot slower but you can see by the expression on his face that he is having a good time. My mother is sitting beside Mina who is reading a letter from Hope. I saw her reading her letter earlier and wonder why she is reading it again. There are tears in her eyes and my mother thinks it is bad news. She leans towards Mina.

  “Everything all right, Mina?”

  Mina looks up and through her tears I can see a smile.

  “Yes, Emma,” she says, thrusting a small photo at my mother. “Hope had a baby girl last month, her first child. She named her Mina. I’m – I’m so – happ–”

  My mother touches her arm. “There, love. That’s wonderful.”

  “Hope said she’d tell her all about me when she’s older and why she is named for me. She says she’ll tell little Mina that without me she’d never have survived.”

  “It’s true, Mina. You did a wonderful thing.”

  Mina nods and smiles.

  “Let’s celebrate then, eh?” my mother says and Mina laughs.

  “Look at this photo,” she tells Victoria who is more interested in her new red dress.

  When Steve arrives, we are all surprised to see him. Tomorrow, after he talks to Wilfred, he leaves for another town. I watch as Aishling brings him a drink and gives him a romantic smile. I try not to be annoyed. She needs this little bit of happiness.

  Catherine has not been wheeled up from the babies’ room. She has an infection in her chest that is making her tired and cranky. Tina leaves the room every few minutes to check on her and the other babies but rushes back as soon as she can to enjoy the celebration.

  Wilfred gives in to my father’s constant requests for him to play. He lifts his violin and turns to face my father.

  “Beethoven Romance Number 2,” he announces and raises his violin to play.

  I look around the room and watch the faces of the residents as they stare at Wilfred. He sways gently as his bow moves over the violin. His eyes are closed tightly and I can see his mouth moving with the bow as though he is speaking the music he is playing, as though the beauty of the music is running through him. The bow moves quicker and then he stops and sways, imagining his backing orchestra behind him. The expression on his face is so – so content – so happy. It is a pity that he can see no reason to wear this expression when he puts his violin away. He starts again, the smile on his face moving and changing as his bow moves smoothly back and forth. I look at Iren who is enraptured by the music. Her face is alight and she is sitting forward, fully awake, drinking in the beauty coming from Wilfred’s violin. When he finishes, he lowers his bow and sits quickly in the corner out of view. “Bravo!” Iren says as she claps.

  My father has tears in his eyes. He stands and moves towards his friend.

  “That was beautiful, Wilfred. Truly beautiful!”

  “Encore!” Iren shouts but Wilfred doesn’t look at her as he retreats further into his pew. He doesn’t enjoy attention and prefers to stay out of the limelight.

  Bill picks up his guitar and starts to play again. I can see Wilfred wipe the sweat off his forehead. I watch him with interest as he glances quickly at Iren but she is looking away now, lost in the music.

  My father hands Wilfred a large whiskey and he drinks it in one large gulp. I see Father sneak Martin a small one. He already has an empty glass in his hand and his eyes are glassy. I smile as he empties half his drink into the spare glass and puts it up to Jimmy’s lips. Jimmy takes a large gulp but starts to cough loudly. He recovers and smiles appreciatively at his former enemy. I am glad that Martin is being kind to Jimmy and hope it will be the same tomorrow.

  Penelope plays along to as many of Bill’s tunes as she knows but I can see that she is happier accompanying Wilfred. His music is more to her liking. Greta bides her time and watches Penelope become more relaxed before suggesting she play one of her jazz tunes. She refuses but when everybody cheers she surrenders to their request and begins to play. As her tune nears the end, her nervousness eases only slightly. Greta is watching Penelope’s every move. I know what she is thinking. It will take time.

  Victoria is enjoying the attention she is receiving and happily accepts compliments on her dress. I know that she is glad that Penelope is otherwise occupied on the other side of the room, even if her sister is anxious and not at all enjoying herself.

  When Li brings in the cake Kai and Mina made, Wilfred pulls at the tie around his neck and quickly finishes another large whiskey.

  As everyone sings “Happy Birthday” Mina tugs at Li’s dress and shows her the photo of little Mina.

  “She’s beautiful, Mina. You know, we are both grandmothers now.”

  This makes Mina smile once again at the photo of the red-faced baby looking back at her.

  When the cake is cut and distributed, the atmosphere relaxes and once again Bill pours something a little stronger into my mother’s home-made punch. I know I should tell as some of the residents are not supposed to drink but I say nothing because I know that soon everybody will be happy. My father starts to sing and Martin sings along with him. Jimmy
says something through the corner of his mouth and Martin pours more whiskey into his glass. My mother sees this and moves Jimmy beside her and away from Martin. He mutters something else and we don’t have to understand him to know it is rude. Steve asks Aishling for a dance and I stand quickly and pretend to look out of the window. It is dark and I can see the shadow of a person standing outside our picket fence. I move closer and put my hand on the glass to shield out the light of the room. My heart misses a beat when I see it is Maria, standing there alone, her pretty face lit up by the street-light. I beckon for her to come in but she shakes her head. I go outside and she looks away from me. I take her by the hand and bring her up the steps. I open the fly-screen and she follows me inside. Sometimes words are not necessary. I sit her down and together we watch Aishling and Steve jive to one of Bill’s songs. It doesn’t hurt as much with Maria beside me.

  Another hour passes and I finally gather the courage and ask Maria to dance. I don’t mind the fact that the adults are crashing into us and stepping on our toes. It is a lovely dance and, although she doesn’t smile, I sense that she is happy. I realise that I have never seen her smile and I think that I might never find out why.

  When the song finishes, Bill, who is now quite drunk, salutes Wilfred and shouts for him to speak. Wilfred declines shyly and stands to open a beer from the bucket of ice in the corner of the Penance Room. He stumbles and pours some of the beer onto Martin’s trousers. Martin starts cursing at him and I think, please no, don’t spoil the night. Sometimes I think that even though I am the child in this house, I am the most sensible. Wilfred apologies and makes his way shakily to his chair. I can see his voice has got Iren’s attention. She looks up at him as if she has never seen him before. I can see my mother purse her lips. She sniffs the punch but it is whiskey that has made Wilfred clumsy. Father tries to placate her and she softens a little. Tina takes the punch away but the damage is done. Even Iren has had too much and is talking to herself and shaking her head as if she is arguing with someone. When she suddenly starts to cry, my mother sits beside her and tries to quieten her with more food but she begins to shout for Aron and there is a collective sigh in the room. My mother tries all the usual strategies but none of them work. Tina tries to bring Iren out of the room but she will not leave. She is shouting now and I can see her false teeth move back and forward as though at any moment they will fly across the room. Bill tries to intervene and asks Iren to dance. Everyone is shocked when she slaps him across the face.