The Penance Room

by Carol Coffey

  That evening, my mother and father sit in her office listening to music. I watch from the hallway as they talk about the changes to the residents since Steve came into their lives. Father is supposed to be working on his speech for Kora but my mother has made him cross out many of his jokes which she knows Kora will not care for.

  “I think Mina has benefited most,” my father offers but Mother shakes her head.

  “No. It’s just that she was first to tell her story. She’s had more time to look forward and make changes in her life. The others will follow too. I’m sure of it. Look at Penelope, practising today for the wedding and looking proud of herself.”

  “Ah, but she did stop playing when I entered the room suddenly. She looked like a roo in headlights. Frightened the life out of her.”

  Mother sighs. “That’ll change. I’m sure we don’t know the half of what she went through. She’ll get there.”

  “What about Victoria?” Father asks.

  Mother laughs. “You know, she still thinks she’s a young woman. You should see her outfit for Saturday. Even I wouldn’t wear it!”

  Father smiles and shrugs. “I guess she’s trying to get back the years that were stolen from her. All those experiences she should have had that were taken from her. You reckon she’s still holding a candle for the chap that died in India?”

  “Yeah. I never see her without the brooch he gave her. It’s sad but romantic. I don’t think she’d want to find anyone else. I think a part of her wants to hold onto that innocent love she had for him. You know, I think she should write it down. She’s always reading those romance books. She could easily write her own.”

  “Except this time with a happy ending?”

  Mother nods and stretches out on her chair. “I might suggest it to her.”

  “Well, think about it first. It could upset her to bring it all up again.”

  Mother tenses and I can see her shoulders rising up under her blue blouse.

  “I think it is good to get things out into the open. It does no good to harbour feelings,” she says before turning her face away from him. She looks out the window so I cannot see her expression. A quietness settles between my parents until Mother finally speaks again.

  “Andy?” she says and I know she wants to talk about me. I move further into the hallway. For a brief moment I fear that Steve has talked to her about sending me away.

  Father seems to know instinctively what she wants to talk about. He stands suddenly. “Not tonight please, Emma,” he says but he is not angry. He looks sad.

  Mother relents and looks out of the window. I follow her gaze and see a long tear escape from one of her green eyes and flow down her cheek. She wipes it quickly and stands. Under her skirt I can see a tiny bulge, my brother growing inside her stomach. I see Father looking at it. His face softens and he relaxes. He moves towards her chair. He lifts my mother to her feet and they look out into the garden. It has started to rain again but this time it is not as heavy.

  “Well now! No rain for months and now it never stops,” Father says, looking out into the blustery evening.

  He is trying to change the subject and my mother knows this. He turns to her and puts his hand on her stomach. I feel a strong vibration run through me as though someone has punched me in the ribs and an invisible pair of hands is pulling me into the darkness. I walk backwards and hide in the darkened Penance Room, watching them.

  “Everything will be all right, Emma. We’ll talk about Christopher, I promise, but not now, please.”

  I see another tear fall down her cheek. He wipes it away, flicks the light switch off and they move into the brightly lit hallway.

  “Come on. Let’s get you to bed. You need an early night,” he says, leading her into their bedroom.

  Then, just as I am about to emerge, he appears again and makes for the office. I move swiftly forward and see that he is on the phone. It is very late and I wonder who could be ringing at this time.

  “My God, Bill, that’s . . . When? Where?”

  My heart lurches and I wish I knew what Bill was saying. I know it is about Wilfred and I feel sick and dizzy waiting to know if he is all right. My father puts down the phone and I scuttle back into the Penance Room. He hurries back to the bedroom and, before I can decide whether to stay in hiding or appear at their door, he emerges again and races upstairs.

  I follow and find him in Martin’s room where Aishling is trying to coax Martin out from under his bed.

  Martin sees me and says, “He’s the only one who believes me!”

  I sign and tell him it is all right to come out. He is learning fast and now knows lots of simple signs.

  He signs back saying that he wants to stay where he is and my father and Aishling look at each other in amazement.

  “He knows sign language?” Father asks.

  “Looks like it!” Aishling replies and I sign yes.

  “Listen,” my father says, “Bill phoned. They found a man matching Wilfred’s description off the main road into Lightning Ridge.”

  “Where’s that?” Aishling asks.

  “Bill said it’s a good ten – eleven-hour drive.”

  “How’d he get that far? And – where has he been all this time?”

  “We’re still not sure it’s him. Bill said local police tipped him off. They found him wandering through scrub off the highway. His car broke down and it matches the make from the car-hire company here. He got stuck in the mud during the heavy rain. He was disorientated and dehydrated when the police picked him up. They told Bill he wasn’t making much sense.”

  “What are you going to do?”

  “Bill’s picking me up in half an hour. We’re going up there tonight.”

  “But you don’t even know if it’s him!” Aishling replies.

  “I do. I can feel it, Aishling. I know it doesn’t make any sense but I’ve been dreaming of him walking through the desert. It’s him. I’m sure of it.”

  My mouth drops open when I realise that my father has had the same dream as me. Aishling says nothing. She doesn’t believe in these things but she will have to get used to it if she is to become Steve’s wife because Steve sees everything that I see.

  “Just make sure you are back for the wedding!” she says as he leaves.

  I am tempted to go with him but know I need to stay with Martin. Besides, my father probably wouldn’t agree to take me.

  I follow Aishling down to the medicine cabinet where she takes out another tablet to make Martin sleep.

  “You’re getting too used to these,” she says to him while warning him to keep his ghost stories down. “They aren’t working any more.”

  “That’s because I’m not taking them!” he says after she is gone. He throws the tablet into the top drawer of his locker and laughs.

  I take a blanket from his wardrobe and sit beside him. He knows what I want. He knows what I need to hear.

  “I’m not ready,” he says so I take my blanket and sit by the window. As I gaze out into the darkness I try to send a message to Wilfred. I say “Stay strong, Carl. Father is coming for you. He’s coming to take you home.”

  Chapter 28

  The following morning, Deirdre arrives at eleven o’clock and asks my mother if it would be all right to take Aiden into the garden. I watch her lead him outside to the old wooden bench where they eat apple pie and drink lemonade that Kai prepared for them. I saw Li tell my mother that Kai has got a place on a confectioner’s course in Sydney that starts in a couple of months and that he will have to leave home. She said that although she is sad for him to leave, she knows it is what Kai wants to do. My mother agreed with her and I tensed when she said that if you really want to hold onto your children, it is better to let them go. I am becoming more afraid that Steve is whispering in her ear. Like Maria, I don’t want to leave here, even if I spend most of my time with the dead and dying. It is all I have ever known.

  After lunch, my mother answers the phone to my Father. I know he is speak
ing excitedly because each time she tries to say something; she doesn’t get to finish her sentence and frowns into the telephone. I watch her shoulders rise and fall as Father informs her of Wilfred’s situation and I only relax when I see the frown lines change into a half smile that tells me that Wilfred is all right. When Father finally gets off the line, my mother goes to the kitchen to tell Kora the news.

  “It’s definitely Wilfred. He’s all right!” she says, hugging her sister tightly. Kora squirms and when they separate she looks down at my mother’s stomach and raises her eyebrows quizzically at her. Mother blushes. She is normally very thin and her sister has noticed the small bulge that seems to have appeared suddenly.

  “I wasn’t going to say anything until after the wedding,” she says.

  Kora smiles. She has been in good humour lately. “You didn’t need to worry. I’m so happy for you. ’Bout time you and Andy had some good luck. When is it due?”

  “I’m only three months – almost three months.”

  “That all? Still, you’re so thin, mate, that you’d see it a mile off. Sure your dates are right? Look bigger than that.”

  My mother frowns. She isn’t sure.

  “Anyway,” Kora says, breaking her thoughts, “it’ll be good to have a baby in the house after all this time.” She eyes my mother to make sure she has not upset her.

  “It’s okay. It’s been ten years since I had that last miscarriage. I have a good feeling this time. I’m sure this one will make it to full term.”

  Kora nods.

  “Maybe you’ll be joining me soon?” Mother asks, teasing her sister while she is in good humour.

  “Maybe,” Kora replies.

  Deirdre comes into the kitchen with Li and puts the dirty plates and cups into the sink.

  “Thanks so much for all of this,” she says to my mother. “I really appreciate it. I can see that Aiden is well cared for here.”

  Mother moves toward her, looking sympathetically at her.

  “Must be hard for you, seeing him so frail?”

  Deirdre closes her mouth and thinks about this. “Yes. It’s hard. You know, I still have feelings for him but, well, he can only talk to me about the past. He goes in and out of reality. Most of the time he thought we were in Donegal. It’s – it’s really sad.”

  “Maybe it’s wishful thinking?” Kora offers. “Maybe he wants to pretend for as long as he can that nothing has changed. Maybe he knows only too well that you are going back to America and he is trying to take as much happiness as he can. A lifetime in a few days?”

  My mother looks at Kora. It is unusual for her sister to be so insightful. Kora’s usual emotion is anger. Anger and sadness.

  Deirdre nods slowly, taking this in.

  “I’d say that’s what’s happening,” says Kora. “Some days he’s quick as can be. Knows everything that goes on ’round him. Ask me, he runs into that shell of his when he’s upset or wants to hide from reality and who could blame him? It’s rare that any of us have much to look forward to.” She glances at my mother. “Want my advice, go along with it. Enjoy it while it lasts.” She fills herself a large glass of water and moves towards the Penance Room.

  Deirdre looks at my mother. “Same time tomorrow, okay? Megan and I are taking a trip out west this afternoon. It’s with a tour. Wouldn’t have the courage to drive into the outback myself. Not with those killer spiders and God-awful snakes!”

  When Deirdre leaves, Li leafs through a small notebook that she keeps in her pocket.

  “That for the order?” Mother asks.

  “No. It’s my ‘Mina count’.”

  “What?”

  “Since Mina started helping in the kitchen, I keep a count of every day that she steals food. I want to know how long before she trusts that there will always be food.”

  “And?” mother asks.

  “She hasn’t stolen anything in . . . thirteen days.”

  Mother leans back on the kitchen counter. “Really? That’s brilliant. Think she’s cured?”

  “Maybe. Either way, it’s progress. She’s become attached to Kai. She’s come a long way from the old lady that shook with fear when she saw a young Oriental boy in her kitchen.”

  Mother agrees and touches Li’s arm as she passes. “You’ve done good, Li.”

  When Kora takes a half-day to do some shopping for the wedding, Greta comes in to finish her shift. She follows my mother out into the garden where Penelope and Victoria are enjoying the sunshine and drops her body heavily onto a wooden bench, wiping the sweat off her brow.

  “Blimey. It’ll take me years to get used to the heat ’ere,” she says.

  My mother says nothing but I know what she is thinking. So many people come to Australia for the blue skies and sunshine but complain that the sun is too hot! My father is one of them.

  “Any news on Kora’s mother?”

  My mother shakes her head and says nothing. I know this is a sign that she is both disappointed and embarrassed that she made Kora’s personal business so public.

  “Did you leave your phone number?”

  Mother nods. “And the address just in case she preferred to write.”

  “Well,” Greta says, “there’s time yet. She might show up.”

  Mother nods again and sighs. I know she regrets sending those letters and that she is worried that Kora will find out. She opens her mouth to voice her concerns but changes her mind.

  “Well, I better get to work,” Greta says, lifting herself off the bench and making her way to the porch.

  My mother stays in the garden and enjoys the cool breeze that has suddenly whipped up at the side of the house. She looks around the grounds that run all the way down to the train line, about an acre and a half in total. She moves her eyes across the lawn to where Martin and Jimmy are sitting quietly.

  “That money would build a good extension. Completely block out that view of the train line,” she says to herself. She walks towards the two men. “You men all right? Yeah? Right, then I’ll go inside. Call out if you need anything!”

  My mother takes one last look at the garden and I see her look out over the train line. I know she doesn’t really like sitting out here. It reminds her too much of my accident. She smooths down her skirt and sighs before walking across the scorched lawn and into the house. It is almost time for lunch.

  Chapter 29

  At two thirty the following morning, I feel the crash of the screen door against its frame. I jump from my bed and think how odd it is that I have again found myself in my own bed as I had settled down on a blanket in Martin’s room only hours before. The only conclusion I can come to is that I moved to my own room in a half-awake state that I have no memory of afterwards. I rush downstairs and see my Father and Bill help Wilfred down the hallway. I move to one side as they push him up the stairs to his room. His face is ashen and he has bandages on his arms and legs. My father spends a few minutes talking quietly to Wilfred but he has his back to me so I cannot see his words. Wilfred looks ashamed and keeps nodding at my father but he doesn’t speak. He looks thinner and his bulging eyes roam quickly around the room as though he never expected to be back here.

  I leave his room as Father closes his door. My mother has come out of her room and is standing downstairs waiting for my father to tell her what happened to Wilfred. Bill has a coffee with them in the kitchen and then laughs about how much trouble he will be in at the station for disappearing for two days. Father nods and says he is in the same position but he is not laughing and knows that things are bad at the mine and that he needs to pull his weight to keep his job.

  Mother looks tired and asks Father for the short story. She is interested but she wants to get back to bed before she has to turn the patients with Aishling at four thirty. Father explains how a police patrol found Wilfred’s empty car about forty miles outside Lightning Ridge. It had gone off the road in the heavy rain and had become stuck in the sand. There were empty bottles of water and an empty esky in the boot so
they feared whoever was on foot had little or no water. When they searched the immediate area, they came up empty so they organised a wider search. When two rescuers found Wilfred in some scrub, he had been without food or water for at least two days. His skin was badly sunburnt and his arms and legs were cut from the scrub that he tried to shelter in. He had insect bites which were infected and needed treatment but when they tried to take him to safety, he refused to go. He told them that he was looking for the ocean, that he wanted to save the drowning people and that if he couldn’t save them, he was going to drown himself. The police knew nothing of his past and they just thought he was “gone troppo” so they manhandled him into the car and told him he was about as far away from the sea as could be.

  My mother listens with interest and sighs and shakes her head as my father recounts the story of how Wilfred would not tell hospital staff his name. He refused food or drink and told them he wanted to die. Once they had rehydrated him, they began the process of transferring him to the nearest psychiatric hospital. When the local police informed them that there was a missing person’s report from Broken Hill station on a man matching his description, they contacted Bill straightaway.

  When Father arrived in the ward, Wilfred would not look at him.

  Mother becomes upset when Father tells her that Wilfred begged him to leave him, that he wanted to die, that he was so very tired of living – and that he had not said one word for the whole journey home.

  When there is nothing left to say, Mother goes back to bed but I can tell that she will not sleep.

  Father climbs the stairs to Wilfred’s room and knocks. He opens the door and finds Wilfred sitting on his bed. I hide in the hallway as Father looks into the room. Wilfred has taken down all of the beautiful photos off his wall, including the one of his mother and sister. Father notices this but says nothing. He sits down beside him.

  “Wilfred, I know that things are bad for you but you put Emma and me and everyone here through a lot of worry. We care about you. This is your home. I just wanted you to know that.”