The Penance Room

by Carol Coffey

  Deirdre is here and is sitting with Father Hayes. He has a red rose in his buttonhole. Deirdre has become used to Aiden’s confused ways and no longer becomes upset when he moves in and out of reality. When he tips her arm and says, “This is what I would have worn,” she turns her head sideways, waiting for another memory to resurface but he puts his cane to the floor and moves his body until he is facing her. “If I’d been lucky enough to marry you,” he adds.

  Deirdre gulps and her daughter, who has reluctantly come along, pats her mother’s back gently.

  Victoria is, true to her word, dressed in her bright red dress and matching lipstick and has managed to ignore her sister’s early-morning scolding. She has taken my mother’s advice and has started to write her own novel, a love story between an innocent girl and her handsome Australian officer. Greta helped her to buy an old typewriter which she is slowly learning to use. Victoria tells my mother that while this one will not have a happy ending, her next novel will. Catherine, who is now feeling better, was due to be wheeled up for the occasion but has started to shout “Clowns! Caution, clowns!” so mother has decided to leave her where she is.

  Then, as Penelope wedges herself behind the piano and Wilfred tunes his violin, I notice Mother ask Father where he and Wilfred went the other day.

  “You’ll see,” Father says with a twinkle in his eye.

  Mother shakes her head in an annoyed manner, thinking she knows very well where they went but she is wrong. Wilfred has a plan, a lovely plan to make his life worthwhile again.

  When the music starts to play Father goes in to collect Kora from their bedroom but she asks him to send my mother in. When Mother rushes in, afraid that Kora is about to change her mind, Kora closes the door after her and sits on the bed in her beautiful cream dress. Her brown eyes are filled with tears.

  “I just want to thank you for being my sister,” she says. “I need to talk to you. There are a lot of things I want to say, a lot I have to apologise for.” Kora swallows hard. I have never seen her upset like this. Usually she is just angry but there is something different about her.

  “Stop! Ssh!” my mother says, taking her hand. “There’s nothing to say, Kora.”

  “You found my mother,” Kora says, becoming uncharacter-istically emotional.

  My mother nods.

  The sisters hug and Mother dries Kora’s tears with a tissue.

  “You’ll ruin your make-up,” she says.

  “Stop telling me what to do,” Kora says sharply but laughs when my mother tenses. “I’m just kidding,” she adds.

  My father comes in to collect the bride. He looks smart in a deep-brown suit and cream shirt.

  “Is all the mushy stuff over?” Father asks.

  As he takes Kora’s arm he whispers into her ear and only I see his words.

  “I’m glad you didn’t have a brother. I wouldn’t have missed giving my beautiful sister-in-law away for the world.”

  She squeezes his arm and whispers back. “Andy, even if I’d had a brother, I’d still have chosen you.”

  My father looks astonished at Kora’s sentiment but tries not to show it. As he leads her down the hallway, I slip inside and sit on my favourite pew under the window. Jeff is standing nervously at the front of the room. He is wearing a navy suit and it is the first time I have seen him without his akubra. His father, who is best man, is sitting beside him.

  When he sees Kora enter the room Jimmy’s mouth drops open. “Beauty,” he says to his son and Jeff understands.

  I look around and find that I am sitting directly opposite Aishling and Steve who are smiling at each other in a silly childish manner. I am moving sideways on my pew to block my view of them when I see her, my beautiful Maria, standing on the front steps in a pretty white dress and sandals. My heart beats faster and I go to meet her but she beckons for me to stay and she walks up the steps slowly as though she is walking down the aisle. She is carrying a small bunch of wild flowers and I redden, hoping no one has noticed our silliness. We are both very young and a long way off getting married. I quickly glance around the room and find only Steve has noticed us. He tips a pretend hat towards me and watches as Maria takes a seat by my side.

  The music starts and Kora enters the room.

  I lean towards Maria and use my voice. “This,” I tell her, “is going to be a happy party.”

  The minister asks Kora if she takes Jeff as her loving husband and everyone cheers when she says “I do” and they repeat this for the shy groom who looks acutely embarrassed. My mother and Li throw confetti over the couple and as it falls slowly down I sneak a kiss from Maria who looks happier than I have ever seen her. I don’t even mind Steve’s eyes on me. He has not yet had the talk with me that he threatened but today I don’t care what he will say to me. Today I just want to enjoy being here with the people that I love.

  The party starts and Bill has been warned off coming within five feet of my mother’s punch. Kai has been put on guard even though I see him looking longingly at the bucket of cold beers and bottle opener that someone has foolishly left beside Martin. Martin lifts two beers out of the ice, one for himself and one for Jimmy. He clinks his bottle against Jimmy’s and then helps him to put it to his lips. My mother quietly tells Martin that while she won’t interfere in them having a few drinks today, she doesn’t want Jimmy getting drunk and perhaps saying something to upset Kora or her family. Mother squirms when she says “or her family”. It is going to take her a long time to get used to this fact.

  Penelope sits behind the piano and seems less nervous than she normally does. She has been practising with Wilfred and looks pleased with herself.

  Wilfred, acting in the role of conductor as well as violinist, stands to attention and tips his bow twice as a cue for Penelope to begin. He proudly says: “Busoni – ‘Violin Sonata 1’ – Allegro Deciso followed by ‘Wiener Tanzweisen’.”

  Martin growls. “How ’bout some Banjo Paterson? ‘Man from Snowy River’ or ‘Waltzing Matilda’, anything, just make it cheerful, please!”

  Bill waves to him. “I’ll play them later, mate. They’re my speciality. Now let Wilfred here do his thing.”

  When Wilfred and Penelope begin, the group are surprised at the upbeat tunes they are playing, even Martin who taps his toe. “Not bad,” he says “but it’s not Banjo!”

  Bill laughs and the party takes off. The group ask for one more and Wilfred shyly looks at my father. He smiles, which is something we rarely see him do.

  “For Andy,” he says.

  He breaks into a solo piece. I see his bow move rapidly back and forth and the expression of surprise on my father’s face. Everyone taps their toes so I know it must be one of my father’s favourite Scottish tunes that the residents have become familiar with over the years.

  “‘The Flowers of Edinburgh’,” Wilfred says proudly.

  My father has tears in his eyes. The tune is cheerful but it reminds my father of the home he misses. Wilfred takes a break and Bill takes over. He looks at Burilda and her daughters sitting quietly.

  “Burilda, you and your girls are guests of honour here today. This one’s for you. It’s an outback song. It’s not written by an Aboriginal, unfortunately, but I think you’ll like it.”

  “Who wrote it?” Martin shouts.

  “I did,” Bill replies, reddening slightly.

  I watch Burilda and her daughters as Bill plays and they seem to enjoy the music. Like Wilfred, Burilda is shy and I know that she would prefer if she wasn’t mentioned. When he finishes everyone claps and Bill moves straight into the Banjo Paterson tunes that Martin and Jimmy have been waiting for. When Bill takes a break, Wilfred takes over so everyone gets to listen to the music they like.

  Li serves the food and everybody sits down in the dining room. There are not enough chairs so my mother has to bring some in from the garden. The meal is lovely and my father is in charge of the speeches. When it is Jeff’s turn he quickly tells the group that after over twenty years of
waiting, he is lucky to have finally made Kora his wife. Jimmy stiffens and I know that he is thinking that his son could have found happiness a lot sooner if he hadn’t interfered. Steve leans towards him and says, “Better late than never” and Jimmy stares at him, wondering how he knew what he was thinking. Steve smiles at me then, a smile that is saying “I can help you too. I can give words to the things that you see.”

  Kai and Mina wheel their Peace Cake in together and show it off before Father takes photos of Kora and Jeff cutting it. He takes a lovely photo of Aiden and Deirdre which he promises to send to her. She is due to leave early tomorrow morning and I wonder if Aiden has remembered this. When the meal is finished, the music starts up again and soon people are feeling drunk enough to dance. I watch Nadda and Lurnea compliment Kora’s dress as they stand with her in the Penance Room. All three look uncomfortable and I know it will take time – it will take time for them to feel like a real family.

  Martin is also watching them and as he sits down beside Jimmy he says, “Well, least Kora’s not as dark as them,” and I am delighted when Jimmy grumbles something at him.

  “All right, keep your shirt on,” Martin replies, unsure why Jimmy has turned on him.

  Jimmy continues to stare at Kora talking to her sisters. Jeff comes to her side and asks her to dance but only because my father has badgered him into it. His father watches as the pair dance together self-consciously and rush from the floor when Penelope finishes her solo piano tune and even with his sideways face I can see that he looks happy.

  When the evening draws to an end, my mother calls a taxi for Deirdre. Her daughter leaves her to say her goodbyes to Aiden in the hallway. He stands facing her with his old cane keeping him upright. Aishling is standing behind him but is looking away, embarrassed to be present during such an intimate conversation. Deirdre doesn’t look as sad as I expected her to. She has come to terms with the fact that Aiden is a changed man and that distance, both mental and geographical, would prevent them from being any more than old friends temporarily reunited. She hugs him and stands back.

  “Aiden, these few days have meant so much to me, seeing you again and knowing that you are all right, having a chance to make amends although I realise now that I was never really angry with you. I was just sad for what we lost. I feel that I can rest easy now, that I can live what is left of my life knowing we had a chance to see each other again.”

  Aiden looks miles away and Deirdre doesn’t think that he has heard much of what she said.

  I suddenly realise that Kora is right. Aiden is beginning to withdraw into his shell again, withdrawing to prevent himself from feeling her loss all over again. He shifts from foot to foot, trying to find a comfortable position and looks outside through the open front door.

  “It’s dry today,” he says for no apparent reason.

  Deirdre looks at Aishling and I can see she is disappointed that he has not responded to her goodbye.

  Aishling smiles sadly at her and mouths, “He’ll be okay.”

  Deirdre hugs him one last time but he grabs her tightly and kisses her passionately on the lips, embarrassing Aishling and causing me to look at my feet.

  Deirdre laughs. “Wow! Now I don’t remember kisses like that, Aiden Hayes!” she says and he smiles.

  “Looks like he is saying goodbye after all,” Aishling says.

  Deirdre lifts her bag and moves to the door to her daughter who looks sullen. Deirdre rolls her eyes up to heaven. She moves closer to Aishling. “She’s in foul humour. Turns out this Charlie that she met is actually Charlene and she’s broken-hearted to leave her. Love hurts.” She moves her eyes back to Aiden. “I know exactly how she feels.” She turns back to Aiden. “I’ll write, Aiden, I promise,” she says as she moves down the steps towards the gate. Aiden nods and waves as he walks onto the porch, with Aishling still by his side. He is smiling and nobody can tell what he is really thinking, not even me. As the car pulls away, Aishling moves to take Aiden back into the party. He stops suddenly and beckons for her to wait a moment. Aishling stands still and as Deirdre’s car climbs the hill and disappears from view, his chin wobbles and his eyes fill with tears.

  “Now I’m ready,” he says.

  As the door closes and he returns to his chair, I watch as he takes his rosary beads from his pocket and begins to move the wooden beads swiftly through his fingers. I don’t know if he is thanking God for giving him a chance to see Deirdre again or praying that he will see her again, if not in this life, then in the next.

  Kora leaves the party to take her wedding dress off and when she returns she is wearing a lovely green dress and matching high heels. She looks beautiful and when Jeff glances her way I can see that he thinks he is the luckiest man on earth.

  I look at Maria and she is also watching the scene. She comes toward me.

  “Thank you for inviting me,” she says.

  I sign thank you and she knows that I am pleased that she came even though she didn’t spend that much time in the Penance Room and spent a long time walking around the home, looking in rooms. I also saw her staring at my mother although I have no idea why. She opens the door and disappears quickly down the steps without the goodnight kiss I was hoping for. For a moment I am disappointed but I am becoming used to her unusual ways and I realise that I will just have to accept her as she is. As Greta says, a little happiness is better than none at all.

  When the newly weds are preparing to leave for their honeymoon, Kora tells the group her plans for her two weeks off. First, she and Jeff are going to Sydney and staying at a hotel on the seafront. Kora is more excited than Jeff who has already been to Sydney and didn’t take to the busy city but Kora tells everyone that she has never seen the ocean and that this is what she is most looking forward to. She then shyly tells the group that she is travelling to her mother’s town to spend time with her and her sisters. I see her looking at my mother. My mother looks away and I know that Kora feels sorry for her adoptive sister. She finishes by telling everyone that she will be looking forward to coming back home then and that while she has a lot to find out about herself, Broken Hill is her home and is where she plans to spend the rest of her life. My mother knows that this reassurance is directed at her and I see her wipe a quiet tear in the background. Kora turns her back and the women all huddle to catch the bouquet. Bill encourages Penelope and Victoria to stand alongside Kora’s sisters who are already married. I can see one of Penelope’s hot flushes spreading up her neck and face and I know she doesn’t want to catch the flowers. She doesn’t want anything to do with men. Even though Victoria’s heart will always belong to James, she is more enthusiastic and is pushing her way through the women and giggling like a teenager. I am sorry that Maria didn’t stay for this fun. I would have liked her to catch Kora’s posy so that I could have dreamt about it later. When the flowers are finally thrown, Aishling who is already a head and shoulders over everyone leaps forward and catches the bunch as it flies through the air. She waves it about and my mother and Kora laugh. She makes her way over to Steve who is laughing heartily.

  “Make an honest woman of her!” Martin shouts and Steve reddens. I have never seen him embarrassed before. It is usually he who puts others on the spot.

  Everybody cheers and I try to pretend to share their feeling but my heart is sinking. Even though I know I am being selfish, I don’t want Steve to take Aishling away.

  Aishling comes to her senses and laughs. “Hold your horses! I expect to be courted properly.”

  She throws the bouquet in Victoria’s direction but Wilfred instinctively reaches out and catches it. He flushes and stammers before handing it to Victoria who misinterprets the gesture and tells him that she appreciates his gift but that her heart is spoken for. My father laughs as Wilfred turns bright red and moves quickly away from Victoria. My mother invites Steve to stay in Iren’s old room. He is only here until Wednesday and didn’t manage to book a hotel. Slowly everybody drifts off to bed.

  I am as usual last
to climb the stairs and do my usual check on the residents. I look in on Martin and he is asleep with a smile on his face so I go to my room. As I open my door I see Steve slip into Aishling’s room. She has the night off and Tina is on guard outside my bedroom. I am not too young to understand what they will be doing and I know my mother would not approve but Greta’s words keep sounding in my ears. Take any little bit of happiness you can. I know she is right and I know that there is more joy here since Steve arrived. I hope that when I drift off to sleep happiness will reign over fear and drown out the vibrations of the dreaded night train.

  Chapter 32

  On Tuesday morning Martin is standing at the front door with Tina, ready for his visit to his brother who lives a few miles outside town. His daughter Una offered to take him but my mother declined and suggested that the brothers might speak more freely if left alone. My mother has asked Tina to drive him there. She is discreet and will wait outside while Martin tries to make peace with his brother. I would like to go with him but I know that it is best to let the brothers talk and I hope that Martin will tell me how it went.

  My father is still on holiday from the mine and is talking with my mother in the office about the plans to renovate the house. Together they look through rough plans and I think how happy they look. The expected baby and the money from the Kleins have given them something to look forward to. Together they discuss building a new house and how this would be cheaper in the long run. I smile as they shake their heads in unison. Even though that is the most sensible option, they love this house and it holds treasured memories for them.

  As my mother’s morning sickness causes her to run off for the third time this morning, Father takes a phone call for Wilfred. By the time Wilfred comes to the office to take his call, my mother has returned and listens in with interest.

  “Yes. Of course. Yes. I can do this. Yes.” When he puts the phone down he tells my father that he has a meeting at the community centre at two o’clock. My mother looks from one to the other and waits for them to tell her what is going on. Father lets Wilfred give his news.