“I do have some double chocolate chip cookies I bought at Ella’s bakery.” Judging by the exuberant reaction, Aunt Ella’s double chocolate chip cookies held the same sway as cake. Although his attention should have been focused on the children, who were chanting his name in celebratory fashion, it was a petite, dark-haired woman with hazel eyes, grinning from ear to ear, whom he couldn’t seem to take his eyes off.
* * *
Ava kept finding new and interesting mementos scattered around the lighthouse. While Sawyer was engaging the kids in a lively game of Battleship, she was exploring his new home. In the living room, Sawyer had played up the nautical theme, hanging lanterns from the ceiling and using a vintage life preserver as wall décor. He’d put in a beautiful, floor-to-ceiling white bookcase, filled with books, photos and large conch shells. Sawyer’s gold compass sat on the shelf. It had been his most precious possession when they were children.
Whenever he’d been asked why he carried it around with him wherever he went, he’d saucily replied, “Because I’m going places.”
And he had gone places. All over the world, in fact. One of the photos practically jumped out at her from the shelf. It was a picture of Sawyer surrounded by a group of beautiful African children. She carefully took the frame off the shelf, wanting to get a closer look at what had kept Sawyer away for almost a full year. The huge smiles on their faces demonstrated their affection for him. They were all dressed in brightly colored shirts and American baseball caps. Sawyer’s body language spoke volumes. His arms lovingly encircled the kids, a look of contentment etched on his face.
“That photo was taken after my first month in Sierra Leone. It was taken in a town called Kailuhan.”
Sawyer had quietly snuck up behind her, his voice like a warm breeze in her ear. “You have no idea how homesick I was, until I met this group of children. The coast guard brought boxes of baseball caps with us, knowing that kids overseas love them. You should have seen their faces when we handed them out. The gratitude was overwhelming. Can you believe most of these kids are orphans?”
Her heart sank. “That’s terribly sad.” She couldn’t imagine children navigating their way through life without at least one parent. Somehow it put things into perspective about her own kids. Thankfully, she was still around to guide and nurture them. Even though she’d been an adult when her own parents passed away, it had still been a painful blow.
“They’re still the most upbeat, positive bunch of kids I’ve ever been around. Despite suffering devastating losses, their land torn apart by war and living in poverty, they still have their faith and their love for one another.”
“True faith endures.” Time and time again, her father had uttered those words. Even in his darkest hours when cancer had taken his wife and invaded his own body, he’d still believed. And despite everything, he’d regarded each day as a gift.
Sawyer reached over and tapped the glass frame with his finger. “This mission here...it’s what I’m most proud of as a member of the coast guard. No question.”
A poignant feeling swept over her. No doubt Sawyer would have other missions like this one in his future. Although they’d fallen into old patterns since his return from overseas, she still harbored doubts as to whether Sawyer would stick around for the long haul. He was young, motivated and an asset to the coast guard. Why shouldn’t he travel the world and go where he was needed? There were plenty of trouble spots around the globe in need of heroes.
Holding this picture in her hands served as a painful reminder of Sawyer’s absence this past year. Without him she’d had to forge on after becoming accustomed to his strong, steady presence. She hadn’t allowed herself to wallow in self-pity, not with two children depending on her to be upbeat and strong. In the hours between darkness and dawn, she’d allowed herself to vent her sorrow in the privacy of her bedroom.
Now she was getting used to him being around all over again. He was fantastic with the kids. They sparkled whenever he was around. The love he felt for them was genuine, no doubt an extension of his love for Billy. What would it feel like to lose his larger-than-life presence? All this time she’d been fretting over how she’d feel if Sawyer left Cape Cod again. She knew there were plenty of other ways to lose him. How would she feel if he got married? If he fell in love? If she truly lost him?
A wave of sadness washed over her as an image of Sawyer coupled up with a beautiful young woman flashed into her mind. There was no use denying it. It would be agony when the time came for him to fall in love and get married. Oh, she knew she owed him better than that after everything he’d done for her family. She should want him to find happiness. But the truth was, it would hurt to see him settle down with someone else. It would burn her insides like acid. It would feel as if life as she knew it would never be the same.
Why? Because he’d always been her Sawyer. And she didn’t want to share him. Because the very idea of him falling in love and getting married made her sick to her stomach. And jealous. And unsettled. Of course he’d had a few girlfriends over the years, and even then, she hadn’t wanted to think of them as permanent fixtures in his life. Why hadn’t she wanted him to find the One? Why had she always pushed the very idea out of her mind?
Chapter Eight
Deliteful Bakery, nestled in a small brick building among the quaint shops on Ocean Street, was a busy place to frequent on a Saturday morning. Ava was sitting in a corner table by the window, watching the organized chaos around her. It was nice to see Ella in her element—chatting with customers, decorating cupcakes and educating people about the benefits of all-natural products. The twins were having a ball icing cupcakes and decorating them with sprinkles.
Every Saturday Ella offered the kids in town a cupcake decorating class, complete with take-home treats. It was a win-win situation for the bakery. It got people into the shop while earning it a reputation as a kid-friendly establishment. Over the past six months, Ella had built quite a reputation for her bakery. Ava admired the way Ella had taken a simple idea and quickly turned it into a reality. The shop was doing so well, she’d recently been able to hire a part-time worker.
“I don’t care what she says,” Sunny muttered through a mouthful of food. “These cupcakes must be loaded with sugar. They’re scrumptious.”
Ava shook her head at her sister. No matter how many times Ella assured her that the ingredients were low sugar and all natural, Sunny remained a skeptic. Sometimes she wondered whether she was simply messing with Ella, who at times could be tightly wound about her recipes.
In three quick strides, Ella was standing by their table, her hand perched on her hip. “I heard that!” she huffed, glaring at Sunny. “Please keep your conspiracy theories to yourself.”
“What?” Sunny asked, all innocence and light. “It was a compliment. Your cupcakes taste as if they’re a thousand calories.”
“Earth to Sunny. It’s not good for business to have my sister questioning the integrity of my ingredients.”
Ava held her hand up. After spending a lifetime refereeing her sisters’ squabbles, she knew the signs of trouble brewing.
“Ella,” she interrupted, deftly changing the subject. “Before I forget, did the kids put in a cupcake order?”
Ella took a deep breath and exhaled. She turned to Ava and gave her a tense smile. “Yes, they did. That was their first order of business when they came in the shop today. I’ve boxed up half a dozen cupcakes for you to take with you. I put a candle on one of them.”
Before she could thank Ella, Sunny jumped in. “Is it someone’s birthday?”
Ava paused for a moment, knowing her sister would be all over her once she spilled the beans. “It’s Sawyer’s birthday. The kids wanted to bring him birthday cupcakes.”
Sunny grinned and took a big gulp of her tea. “Well, bless their hearts,” she drawled. “Are you making him dinner? Did you buy him a special
gift? Or are you going to put him out of his misery and finally go out on a date with him?”
Ella signaled for her new employee to take over with the kids, then pulled out a chair and sat down, rolling her eyes in Sunny’s direction. “They’re just friends. How many times does she have to tell you that?” Ella swiveled her head in Ava’s direction. “You are just friends, right?”
All of a sudden she felt tongue-tied. Her sisters were both staring at her, curiosity stamped on their faces. Yes, they were friends. But the feelings he incited in her as of late were more than platonic. Lately, she felt almost tongue-tied in his presence. “It’s complicated,” she said feebly.
“Aha. I knew it!” Sunny said in a spirited voice.
“Of course the two of us are friends, but lately, whenever we’re together I get this fluttery, nervous feeling. I guess you could call it butterflies.” She crinkled up her nose. “We’ve been friends for so long. It’s strange to have this awareness of him as...you know, a man.”
“You’d be crazy not to think of him that way. He’s a tall, gorgeous coast guard hero. And every time he looks at you, those eyes of his are so intense and soulful.” Sunny heaved a tremendous sigh.
“I’ve been running from these feelings for a long time, mostly because he’s Billy’s cousin. And Troy is full of disapproval whenever he sees Sawyer and me together. I never wanted to ruffle any feathers,” she admitted with a rueful twist of her lips. “It hasn’t done me any good. They’re still here.”
“If you keep running from it, you’ll never know if there’s something worth pursuing,” Ella warned. “And you can’t help who you’re drawn to, sis. It makes perfect sense since you and Sawyer share such a rich history.”
“Yes, but Troy and Nancy... They mean the world to me. And their feelings matter.”
“But their feelings shouldn’t trump your own...or Sawyer’s,” Sunny added.
Ava wrapped her hands around her mug of cappuccino. Even discussing this with her sisters was making her feel slightly self-conscious. After all, they weren’t in a relationship, and they’d only shared that one kiss. Sawyer had gone out of his way the other day to dismiss it, calling it an impulsive gesture. Why didn’t she believe him, though? Why did she think he was a lot more affected by that kiss than he was admitting? Because it had so deeply resonated with her it was hard to believe he hadn’t felt something.
“First of all, other than that one kiss—” she started.
“You kissed him?” Ella interrupted, her eyes wide with surprise.
Sunny let out an indelicate snort. “Humph! I’m not one to say I told you so, but I told you so.”
“We kissed last year. It was just one time, but it was romantic and tender. As far as kisses go, it was wonderful. But it was awkward afterward. Neither of us said a word about it. And the next thing you know he’s leaving for a mission in Africa.” She poked out her lower lip. “Not exactly a rousing endorsement.”
Sunny waved her hand in the air. “Don’t get stuck on the past. Live in the here and now. If you feel something for Sawyer, don’t let fear hold you back.”
“Do you have any idea how happy the twins are since he’s been back?” She looked back and forth between her sisters. “He fills a void in their lives. No one could ever take their father’s place, but they do benefit from having a strong male presence around. It makes them happy. Who am I to complicate things?”
She shook her head as images of Sawyer playing with the twins raced through her mind. “For so long he’s been my best friend. I just don’t know if it’s smart to—”
“To what? Fall in love?” Ella asked with a raised eyebrow. “To put yourself out there again and risk it all for a chance to find that special someone?”
Ella’s words rolled through her like a clap of thunder. Was that what was holding her back? Fear of falling in love?
Just then the twins came running over to the table with beautifully decorated cupcakes in hand. She, along with her sisters, began making a fuss over their decorating skills. Their faces lit up with pleased expressions as the compliments flowed. Within a few minutes the three of them were headed out the door, a box of cupcakes in hand as they walked down Ocean Street. As the twins ran ahead to look at the antique carousel, her mind wandered to the conversation she’d just had with her sisters. Ella hadn’t pulled any punches. It always came back to the same thing. Loss. And fear. And the overwhelming anxiety she felt about losing another person she loved.
At some point she had to decide which was scarier—pushing past the fear of losing Sawyer or living a lifetime of regret.
* * *
“This was an awesome birthday surprise.” It wasn’t often Sawyer found himself getting choked up, but the artistically decorated cupcakes, the colorful balloons and the trip to the marina touched his heart.
More than anyone, Ava knew how much he loved boats and Buzzards Bay Harbor. It was at this very spot he’d seen his first coast guard cutter gliding across the water like a rocket. His life had never been the same once he’d laid eyes on the men in uniform—rugged, strong, patriotic—it had been the genesis of his career.
“The cupcakes were our idea, but Mama thought we should bring you down here.” Dolly looked extremely proud of herself.
He reached out and tousled her windswept hair. More and more she was beginning to resemble her mother, with her sweet smile, gentle nature and an ability to make his insides melt. A heartbreaker in the making if he’d ever seen one.
“She said there’s nothing you like better than boats,” Casey added as he licked the frosting off his cupcake.
“Your mom knows me well,” he answered, his gaze settling on Ava, who was seated across from him at the table. She was bundled up in a sweatshirt and wearing a pair of skinny jeans, looking as youthful as a teenager. He was glad he’d been wearing a long-sleeved shirt. Even in summertime it tended to get chilly down by the waterfront.
“It’s the least we could do after everything you’ve done for the kids. And me.” Her voice had a tender quality as she announced, “Happy birthday, Sawyer.”
When he’d woken up this morning, it had been his intention to have a talk with Ava and clear the air. He was tired of holding back and keeping things from her. It was weighing heavily on him. Ever since his return he’d been putting it off, telling himself that he didn’t want to sour things so quickly after his return. There were the children to consider, after all. There was no denying the cold, hard fear that rose within him whenever he thought about that awful night and the sight of his cousin lying cold and lifeless in the morgue. Would he really be doing the right thing by bringing back all those memories and laying them at Ava’s feet? What was he supposed to say anyway? “Excuse me, Ava, but I need to tell you something I should have told you two years ago.”
Colby had called him crazy when he finally confided in him about his argument with Billy, then divulged his plans to come clean with Ava. He’d accused him of wanting to put obstacles between the two of them.
Colby had said Sawyer didn’t think he deserved her. He hadn’t taken too kindly to his friend’s off-the-wall comments. It was the closest they’d come in their years of friendship to an actual argument. In the end, they’d smoothed things over, each apologizing for getting heated. As a result of Billy’s death, he’d learned not to let angry words cloud his judgment. There was no way he could ever walk away from Colby with anger in his heart. Not after what he’d already lived through.
And now his entire plan had fallen apart. Ava and the twins had shown up at the lighthouse, bursting into a chorus of “Happy Birthday” as soon as he opened the door. Without a word of explanation, they’d whisked him off to Ava’s car, then to the marina, where a table had been set up for them to celebrate. Their birthday surprise had floored him, reaching a place inside him that longed to belong to something greater than himself.
Being gone for a year had changed him. It had taken his trip to the other side of the world to make him realize what he really and truly wanted in his life. A family of his own. Lately, he’d been wishing for things that had always seemed as elusive as catching lightning in a bottle.
For most of his adult life he’d enjoyed pleasant but brief relationships that hadn’t gone anywhere. Those experiences left him feeling empty inside. Deep down, he’d always wanted a wife, someone who would love and cherish him through all the bad times, rejoicing with him during the good ones. He wanted kids. Enough to fill up a decent-size house, in fact. It didn’t matter to him whether they were adopted or if they came from his wife’s womb. He would love them all unconditionally.
“Can we go see the boats now?” Casey had gotten up from the table, his face full of eagerness as he stared at the boats lined up by the dock.
“Sure thing,” Ava said. “It’s why we came down here, right?”
As they made their way along the walkway, Sawyer pointed out his favorite boats, pausing to talk to some of the fishermen and boat owners. One of the fishermen had caught a striped sea bass and was proudly displaying it in front of his boat. Casey and Dolly squealed with excitement, although Dolly hid behind his legs and peeked out at the fish, not wanting to get as up close and personal as her brother. It felt nice to have Dolly trust him enough to know he would protect her. And he would, he realized. With his very life.
Tonight had turned into a wonderful evening. Although he still had a niggling sensation in the pit of his stomach, he’d been able to largely ignore it and focus on the here and now. Because of his birthday celebration, he’d been given a reprieve. It wouldn’t last forever, though. Sooner or later, he would have to sit down with Ava and bare his soul to her.
When the kids spotted Fresh Catch’s boat they raced toward it, jumping aboard as soon as they saw Doug standing on deck. Sawyer deliberately slowed down his pace, his tone conversational as he turned toward Ava. “I’ve been meaning to tell you that the papers have all been signed for the sale of Trask boating. It’s officially been sold.”
Forever Her Hero Page 10