Nancy made a tutting noise and shook her head at her husband’s retreating figure. “I’m sorry for that display of bad manners. He knows better than to raise his voice like that at you.”
“No need to apologize, Mom. He’s always been a straight shooter. Why should this be any different?” She loved and respected Troy, and as confused as she felt about his outburst, she knew he’d never purposely try to hurt her. It was evident he’d been carrying around a lot of baggage since his son’s death.
“Come and sit down, dear.” Nancy patted the chair next to her, crossing her hands in front of her as Ava planted herself in the seat. “Troy has always been a bit protective of Billy. That hasn’t changed a bit, even though he’s no longer with us.”
Ava frowned, not sure she understood Nancy’s meaning. “Are you saying he’s threatened by the idea of Sawyer and me being together?”
“Something like that. This may sound strange, but I think it’s hard for him to accept that life goes on, even though Billy isn’t part of it. He was his whole world, and now he’s gone. So even though he’s way out of line to act that way, this is the only way he can protect Billy.”
She nodded, understanding flowing through her. “I get that. Believe me, I still feel protective of Billy’s memory myself. And for a long time it seemed strange to me that life could go on without him.” She stared out the bay window, marveling at the brilliant blue sky and the sun’s dazzling shimmer. “I used to wonder how the sun could keep on shining without Billy.”
“Or how the world kept turning on its axis.” Nancy let out a sigh. “I know I’ve said this before, but it’s a terrible thing to outlive your child.”
Ava reached out and patted her hand. She’d witnessed Troy and Nancy’s suffering over the past few years and she knew how profoundly Billy’s death had shattered their world. As a mother, she could only imagine how it felt to lose your only child.
“We all have to move forward, though, don’t we?” she asked. “We have to live.”
She was saying it as much for herself as for her in-laws. For too long she’d been standing in one place without a clear road map for the future. That had to change. Treading water just wasn’t enough anymore. She yearned to feel the urge to kick up her heels, to swim out past the buoys without fear of something happening to her.
“Forgive me for asking, but is there something going on between you and Sawyer?” Nancy’s voice was tinged with curiosity, her eyes sparkled with interest. There was a hint of apprehension in her tone.
Ava knew her mother-in-law well enough to know that whatever they discussed would remain in her strictest confidence. She’d never been one to judge, and she always gave people her true, honest opinions.
“If you’d asked me that question a few weeks ago, I would’ve said no. But lately...there’s something more than friendship between us, but neither one of us has been able to deal with it head-on.” She shrugged, feeling confused by the mix of emotions flowing through her. “I couldn’t even put a name to it if I tried. I just know when I’m with him I feel more complete than I ever have before.”
She quickly glanced over at Nancy’s face, hoping she hadn’t offended her by talking about her feelings for Sawyer.
“Mom, I didn’t mean—” she began.
“Hush,” Nancy said in a low voice as she reached over and squeezed her hand. “There’s no question in my mind that you loved my Billy. Your devotion to him was unwavering. I know it wasn’t always easy. You deserve to find happiness, Ava. More than anyone I’ve ever known. But if I’m being completely honest, the thought of you and Sawyer being together gives me pause. It would be very awkward for the family, especially considering how Troy feels. Not to mention that Dolly and Casey consider him a member of the family. He was like a brother to Billy.”
Ava’s eyes moistened. A lump formed in her throat. She cared so very much about her in-laws’ feelings, and it hurt to know neither one of them would approve of a relationship between her and Sawyer. “I appreciate your honesty, even if it wasn’t what I wanted to hear.”
Since her own mother’s death she’d leaned on Nancy as more than a mother-in-law. She was a friend and a confidante. Her life was a testament to the things she held dear—family, faith and friendship. Although no one could ever replace her own mother, Nancy had stepped in to fill that void. Ava loved her dearly. Her in-laws were one of the few links she had to Billy and the twins’ only living grandparents. Alienating them would only serve to hurt her children. Hadn’t they suffered enough loss?
“I feel sort of silly talking about this without even knowing how Sawyer feels,” she backtracked. A little voice inside her had been telling her maybe she’d been imagining the spark of chemistry between her and Sawyer. Maybe this was all very one-sided. “Tonight sort of feels like a date, but I think we’re both testing out the waters.”
Nancy furrowed her brow. “Sounds like there’s something brewing between the two of you. A woman always knows.”
Trust your gut. It had been her mother’s favorite saying.
“I couldn’t love Sawyer any more if he was my own, but I can’t condone something I don’t think is right,” Nancy continued, a twinge of regret in her voice. “Just play it smart, love. I’d hate to see the two of you ruin your wonderful friendship if you venture down that road and things don’t work out. What do I know? I’m just a small-town girl at heart. Relationships have changed a lot since I fell in love with my honey. I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else but Troy.”
Nancy’s last comment stung. Was she insinuating that Ava would be disloyal to Billy’s memory if she pursued a relationship with Sawyer? Was that what Nancy really thought? Ava bit her lip, troubled by the idea of causing so much friction in the Trask family. Her mother-in-law was a wise woman. She’d spoken from the heart and held nothing back, even if it wasn’t warm and fuzzy. She’d voiced Ava’s own fears about any future she might have with Sawyer. What if things didn’t work out? What if everything blew up in their faces? Would he still want to stick around? Or would she lose him the same way she’d lost him once before?
* * *
By the time seven o’clock rolled around, Sawyer was anxiously checking his watch and scanning the pavilion for any sign of Ava. He’d arrived at the party early to help set up, wanting to catch up with his team before the event started. In the year he’d been gone, there was a lot he’d missed out on—Hank had gotten engaged, Bridget and Toby were expecting and Paddy, his mentor, had put the papers in for his retirement. There was no way he could put into words how much he’d missed the camaraderie and loyalty they offered him on a daily basis. Colby. Hank. Bridget. Paddy. And Raoul. They’d always had his back, and he would always have theirs.
Once again, he scanned the area for Ava. Technically, this wasn’t a date, but in many ways it felt like one. It was the first real opportunity he’d had to spend some one-on-one time with Ava in an intimate, grown-up atmosphere. Since he’d been back the twins had served as a buffer between them. Their moments of alone time had been few and far between. Excitement was building inside him at the thought of spending quality time together, the same way they had done at Barefoot Point Beach.
Colby sidled up to him, his blue eyes flashing with amusement. “You look as nervous as a fifteen-year-old on his first date.”
Sawyer jabbed his best friend in the side with his elbow, eliciting a muttered cry.
“Easy there, big guy. I was just kidding.”
“I’m not nervous, just excited to spend some time with her. She should have been here by now,” he explained, his gaze shifting between Colby and the entrance. Raising his arm, he took a quick glance at his watch. It was quarter past seven and still no Ava.
Colby let loose with a low-throated chuckle. “You’ve got it bad.”
A trickle of awareness crept up Sawyer’s spine, just as he spotted Ava
standing at the pavilion scanning the venue. Ava had dressed casually for the event, looking every inch the girl next door. Her dark hair was tied up in a short ponytail and wound with a red ribbon. She was decked out in red, white and blue. Perfect for the occasion. He reached her side in a few quick strides, slowing down at the end so as not to appear too eager. Colby was right, he realized. His actions reminded him of his adolescent self. Heart thundering in his chest. Restless energy. His mouth feeling dry.
The moment Ava spotted him, he detected a look of relief on her face. Even though she’d grown up in Buzzards Bay and knew most of the people in town, it had been several years since she’d been part of the social scene. Most of the time, she’d kept to herself, with the exception of her family and close friends. He imagined it was all part and parcel of her grieving process. It made him happy that she’d ventured out because of his invitation.
“Ava, it’s good to see you.” He leaned in and pressed a kiss on her cheek. The smell of vanilla wafted to his nostrils, and he inhaled deeply.
“Thanks for inviting me.” She looked around at the festivities, a warm smile lighting up her face as she took in the over-the-top decorations. “Everything looks great. You guys outdid yourselves.”
“We went a little overboard on the red, white and blue theme, but it’s only once a year, right? We’re allowed,” he said with a chuckle.
“Of course,” Ava answered with a grin. “Who doesn’t need a life-sized cutout of Uncle Sam at their Fourth of July party? Not to mention I saw a few people with blue paint on their faces when I walked in.” She gave him a thumbs-up. “You coast guard folks sure know how to be patriotic.”
Ava was greeted warmly by the members of his team. While Bridget was talking to Ava, Paddy ambled over to him, a huge smile overtaking his face. At sixty years old, he was the most senior member of his team and affectionately known as the heart and soul of it. With graying temples and a mustache and beard, he had an air of distinction. Sawyer couldn’t count how many times over the years he’d served as his sounding board.
“Something you want to tell us?” Paddy wagged his eyebrows in Ava’s direction.
He shook his head and smiled. “Is it that obvious?”
“Only to someone who really knows you.” He clapped Sawyer on the shoulder. “You look mighty good together.”
“We’re not together, Paddy,” he explained. “Not like that. Not yet, anyway.” He was fumbling with his words, not sure how to explain something even he didn’t fully understand.
“What’s holding you back?” Paddy asked. “Is it Billy?”
He shrugged, not wanting to get into a long explanation of all the whys and wherefores. “There’s a lot of reasons we shouldn’t even consider being together. I’m not so sure we can get past all our obstacles.”
“And yet here the two of you are, together.” Paddy glanced over at Ava, then back at Sawyer. “I can’t decide which one of you has the bigger smile plastered on your face. Sometimes we worry too much about how things might look or what others might say instead of focusing on how we feel.”
Sawyer grimaced. “It’s not that simple. There are things I should have told her a long time ago, but I didn’t. And now, after all this time, I don’t know how to broach it. At first, I thought I’d be bringing her more pain by unloading on her. Now I’m wondering if this whole time I’ve just been scared. The very idea of telling her knocks the wind out of me.”
“It’s never too late to make things right.” Paddy reached out and grasped Sawyer by the shoulders, his blue eyes steely as he looked him straight in the eye. “And in regards to being scared, it happens to the best of us. Don’t let it stop you from going after what you want.”
All of a sudden Ava walked up, her face lit up with a lighthearted grin. “I hope I’m not interrupting,” she said with a glance in Paddy’s direction, “but I’ve been waiting for Sawyer to ask me to dance ever since I got here. I guess I’m just going to have to ask him instead.” She held out her hand and smiled at him, reeling him in without having to utter a single word.
“I’d love to,” he blurted out. Both Paddy and Ava laughed at his eagerness. As he slipped his hand in hers and led Ava to the makeshift dance floor, he let all of his doubts drift away. Just for this one moment in time he would suspend reality and pretend as if all was right with the world. As Ava settled into his arms and they began swaying to the music, he found himself wishing this night would never end.
* * *
Ava couldn’t remember the last time she’d enjoyed herself so much on the Fourth of July. She didn’t feel out of place or awkward in the slightest. That had been a big fear of hers, and the reason she’d almost refused Sawyer’s invitation. Two years was a long time to be out of the loop. The guests were a cross section of coast guard employees, folks they’d gone to school with and members of the congregation. Looking around her, Ava realized she knew almost everybody here. The members of Sawyer’s team were treating her like a queen.
Several of her former clients had warmly approached her, and she’d been gratified to tell them she was planning to open her business. Graciously, they’d promised to help her get the word out. On the spur of the moment she came up with the idea of having a relaunch party at the end of the summer. It would be a great way to create some buzz about her company. She felt a sudden burst of enthusiasm as she envisioned working with new clients and creating memorable events. Excitement was building inside her, stoked by the idea that her new business would soon be a reality. Sawyer had gone to replenish the ice supply and fill up the soda chest. She was standing a little off to the side, staring out over the dimly lit beach. There were a few partygoers who’d been brave enough to venture out into the water. High-pitched laughter rent the air as their bodies hit the cold ocean. The very idea of swimming in the frigid ocean made her shiver. “Don’t tell me you’re tempted to join them.” She looked up to find Colby standing next to her, a teasing smile on his face. He was a friendly guy who she’d always enjoyed being around because of his warm and easygoing nature.
She raised an eyebrow at him. “I may be a Cape Cod girl, born and bred, but there’s nothing that could convince me to get into that water.”
He laughed good-naturedly. “I’m glad you could make it, Ava. It means a lot to Sawyer to have you here.”
“I’m happy to be here. Sawyer was so excited about it, I had to come and see what all the fuss was about.”
“Well, he is the guest of honor, in a sense. Everyone couldn’t wait to celebrate his homecoming. People came all the way from Duxbury for this event.”
“That’s great, Colby. I know what his coast guard buddies mean to him. You’re like family.”
Colby grinned and nodded in agreement. “It’s great to have him stateside, isn’t it? Especially since we almost lost him.”
Ava froze as the words settled in around her. “Lost him? What are you talking about?”
Colby’s face blanched. He started tripping all over himself, getting tangled up in his own words. “I—I...shouldn’t have mentioned it. Please, forget I said anything. It’s nothing.”
“Colby. Tell me! What is it?” She didn’t like the strident sound of her voice, but she couldn’t help it. She was alarmed. The distraught look on Colby’s face spoke volumes.
His shoulders slumped and his body sagged a little. He raked his hand through his hair, letting out an agonized groan as he did so. “I shouldn’t have said anything. When Sawyer was in Sierra Leone he contracted cholera. I didn’t find out about it until weeks afterward. His parents don’t even know.” Colby’s expression was somber. “He was sick, Ava. Gravely ill. There was a point when the doctors didn’t think he would make it.”
Although she’d wanted the truth from Colby, she hadn’t expected to receive such startling news. Sawyer had been at death’s door in Africa and not a soul had known about it.
Not his family or his team members. Not Pastor Felix. Not her. A feeling of panic slid through her like a snake, twisting her insides so she could barely breathe. She’d almost lost him! He’d been on the other side of the world in a foreign land trying to do good for the world. And he’d nearly lost his life in doing so. Just like Billy. She clutched her stomach, feeling sick at the notion that Sawyer had been so close to death and she hadn’t felt it. Why hadn’t she sensed it? He was like a part of her, embedded so deeply into her essence she’d always assumed she would know if he was in harm’s way.
Colby reached out and gently grabbed her by the hands. “Ava, it’s all right. Sawyer is fine. He’s healthy...and happy. He’s home.”
His voice was soothing and sure, but she still felt fear rising in her throat. It was choking her, and she found it difficult to breathe.
“But he almost died,” she gasped. “He could have—”
“That’s in the past. Right here, right now, he’s fine,” Colby said in a calm tone.
“I can’t—” she said through shallow breaths “—can’t talk about this. Not now.” She pushed her way past Colby, past a group of revelers and down the boardwalk toward the water’s edge.
“Please, God. Help me,” she panted as she struggled to breathe. She knew what was happening to her. It had happened several times before when she’d felt overwhelmed with anxiety. Her chest was tight and she was gasping for air. It felt as if everything was crashing down around her. She was having a panic attack.
Learning about Sawyer’s brush with death had been too much for her mind to absorb. Losing him was just too terrifying of a concept. A flood of memories from that fateful night came crashing back to her. The long, endless hours of waiting by the phone. The kids peppering her with questions about their father’s whereabouts. Being told his cold, lifeless body had been taken to the morgue. The rush of feelings she’d battled—fear and pain and regret. And an overwhelming sadness. She knelt down in the sand. As she willed herself to take deep, even breaths she heard someone calling her name. A low voice whispered reassurances in her ear as strong arms encircled her. The smell of sandalwood hovered in the air. A gentle hand touched her face. Without a doubt she knew she was being held in Sawyer’s comforting embrace.
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