Like Coffee and Doughnuts

by Ellle Parker

  I grabbed my keys and phone, and went downstairs to make a liquor run. There’s a decent liquor store up the road in Redington Beach, so I went there and bought more whiskey.

  On the way home, I found myself driving past my turn and toward the causeway instead. I was headed for Seth’s garage, even though I knew I couldn’t face him, and I was pretty damn sure he didn’t want to see me anyway. I pulled up out front and parked on the opposite side of the street, out of range of the street lamp. I shut the car off and sat for a minute, trying to figure out what the hell I was doing.

  Both garage doors were up and the shop lights were on. I could hear music drifting out and the occasional sound of the air wrench. Seth came out from behind a gray sedan and went to dig through one of the tool chests. He wore jeans and a dirty T-shirt, no coveralls. I wanted to touch him.

  The ache in my chest twisted hard, and I reached for the bottle. I cracked open the seal and took a healthy swig of whiskey. My jaw was sore when I opened my mouth, and my lip was still tender. I drank it anyway.

  I couldn’t bring myself to go in and talk to him, but I couldn’t leave either. So, I leaned back against the door and put my feet up on the seat, getting comfortable. I took another drink and watched him work. He changed out some filters and a belt, then got down under the car to change the oil. I sat there for a long time, just watching and drinking. Wishing I wasn’t so damn stupid. Wishing I knew what was wrong with me.

  I wanted him. That was never really in question. Whether or not I could deal with it was the problem, but not having him turned out to be far worse. I didn’t care anymore what kind of fear might come with seeing him. I’d live with it or deal with it, if I could just have him back. I didn’t know what that might take, though.

  He moved slow, subdued, and I wondered what he was thinking. Did he hate me now, or did he want me back too? I watched him wipe his hands off on a rag and disappear into the office. I sincerely hoped he wasn’t getting ready to close up for the night, because I didn’t want to go home. I drank more whiskey and waited for him to come back.

  My cellphone rang and startled the shit out of me. My heart hammered in my chest as I reached for it. “Yeah?” I answered.

  “If you think I don’t know you’re across the street getting drunk in your car, you’re wrong.”

  I didn’t know what to say. His voice sounded flat and dry, but I didn’t hear any anger. “Ah…well…”

  “Dino, get your ass in here, would you?” He hung up and I was left staring into the garage, torn between hope and fear. He probably didn’t hate me, at any rate.

  It took a few minutes for me to work up the nerve to get out of the car, during which time, Seth came back into view and glanced out at me before leaning over the engine of the sedan.

  I walked across the street to the garage, which would have been considerably easier if the ground wasn’t slanted so sharply. My head spun, and I was grateful when I could grab hold of the door frame and work my way in. Mission accomplished, apparently. I made it to the stool and sat down.

  Seth turned around and leaned against the car, folding his arms over his chest. He looked at me, wary, and I met his eye. Neither one of us spoke.

  “What’s goin’ on?” he asked finally.

  “I don’t know.” I tried to find words for what was happening inside my head. “I don’t know what I’m doing, Seth. I didn’t know what I was doing yesterday, either. Maybe you’re right about me freaking out.”

  He nodded and chewed his lip. “Turns out you might not be the only one.”

  “Oh?”

  “I thought about the stuff you said yesterday, and realized that maybe I gave you pretty good reason to think you’re not my speed or whatever. I did a damn good job of it, actually.”

  He looked nervous, and I wondered what he was getting at. I kept my mouth shut, for fear of saying something stupid, and waited for him to go on.

  “There’s another side of me that you haven’t seen before,” he said, coming over to me. “And you should have.”

  He cupped my face in his hands and kissed me long and slow. There was nothing lewd or playful about it, just clear, strong affection. I slid my arms around him and held him close, something I didn’t think I was going to get to do again.

  He kissed my cheek and whispered, “I love you, asshole.”

  As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he squeezed his eyes shut, shaking his head with a pained expression. He opened his eyes and looked straight into mine. “I love you, and I think I have for a while now.”

  I stared at him, stupidly speechless, afraid I might not be hearing him right.

  “That’s my freak out,” he explained. “I told you that you weren’t just some fling to me, and I meant that, I know how you are. But the serious part, that’s new for me. I didn’t show it like I should have.” He bit his lip. “Hell, I couldn’t even say it without getting cocky.”

  “You said it fine.”

  “Well, if I’d said it sooner, we could have avoided what happened yesterday.”

  I smiled ruefully. “I’m not so sure about that. This is hard for me no matter how you slice it. It’s gonna take me some time.”

  “So, we freak out together.”

  “That might work.” I ran my hand along his forearm. “How long?”

  “Hmm?”

  “You said you think you’ve loved me for a while. How long are we talkin’ about?”

  He flushed and looked a little guilty. “Probably longer than you’d like to know about. It was getting dishonest.”

  “Why didn’t you say something, then?”

  He shrugged. “I wasn’t sure. Plus, the same thing you were dealing with. You just don’t fuck your best friend.”

  “And what changed?”

  “I finally figured you weren’t fucking anyone else, so I might as well go for it.” He flashed me that wicked smile, but there was a warmth in his eyes that was new.

  “Prick,” I muttered.

  “I know.” He was idly running his fingers through my hair and looking kind of curious, as if he didn’t know he would like it. His gaze drifted down to my bruised jaw, and he winced, touching it gingerly. “I’m sorry about that. I was totally out of line.”

  “Yeah, well… It’s good to know I’ve been relying on some serious backup.”

  I had gotten to the point I wasn’t holding him so much as clinging to him. Whiskey is one of those insidious things that creeps up on you long after you’ve stopped drinking it, and I was approaching significantly drunk.

  My head spun, and I rested my face on his chest, inhaling the scent of motor oil and grease. Beneath those, Seth himself. I tried to sort my feelings for him out of the whorl of my thoughts, but I couldn’t pin them down. I’d never let myself think about it very hard.

  “I need you,” I said against his shirt. I’d figured out that much. “I still don’t know what I’m doing, but I know I need you.”

  “I’ll take that.” He wrapped his arms around me and rubbed my back.

  “I’m probably just gonna keep fucking it up.”

  “Yeah, me too.”

  “And you still want to do this?”

  “Yep.” He pried me loose and held me at arm’s length, looking me in the eye. “I’m not expecting perfection here. Everyone’s relationship gets messy.”

  “When the hell did you become an expert?”

  He raised an eyebrow. “Now who’s the prick?”

  I grinned and tried to focus on him, but I was losing the ability. I also had a little trouble sitting up straight.

  He shook his head in amusement. “I think we need to get you home, buddy. You are drunk as hell.”

  “Yes, I know. I did that.”

  “Can you sit on your own for a couple minutes? I’ve gotta’ close the place up.”

  “Okay.” I grabbed hold of the vice bolted to the workbench.

  Seth gave me a loopy, affectionate kind of grin and went to shut the doors and turn the ligh
ts off. He came back slipping on a sweat jacket.

  “Come on, I’ll drive you,” he said, pulling me to my feet. I could stand reasonably well, but I couldn’t steer for shit, so he draped my arm over his shoulders and led me outside.

  We wove an inelegant path to my car, and he opened the passenger door and pushed me into the seat. He buckled the seat belt across my lap, gave me a quick kiss and went around and got in behind the wheel.

  “Keys,” he said, holding out his hand.

  While I fished around in my pockets looking for them, he picked up the whiskey bottle and held it up to the light. It was just a little over half full. “How much of this have you had?”

  “I jus’ bought it.”

  “That’s great,” he said, rolling his eyes. I was having trouble getting the keys free of my pants, so he put the bottle in the backseat and helped me get them loose.

  “I thought you weren’t ever gonna speak to me again,” I said, trying to explain.

  “Not possible. I would never abandon Matilda.”

  It only takes about three minutes to drive from his place to mine, but the fresh air on my face felt good and staved off a vague sense of nausea I’d been feeling.

  When we got there, Seth hauled me out of the car and started herding me to the front door.

  “You have to be quiet,” I said. “We don’t want to wake up the ladies. I don’t think I want ’em to see me all drunk like this.”

  “It’s not really me we have to worry about, Dino.”

  “Shit, am I too loud?”

  “Yes. Shut up.”

  We managed to get upstairs and into my apartment without incident, and without waking anyone that we knew of.

  Seth led me straight to the bedroom and pushed me onto the bed, where I flopped on my back. It was an incredible relief not to have to hold myself up anymore, and I melted into the blankets, while Seth messed around in the living room. The hall went dark.

  He came back pulling his shirt off, which he dropped on the floor, and reached for his jeans. I watched him strip down to nothing and climb on the bed. He started unbuttoning my shirt, and I figured since he had that covered, I could do what I liked. I ran my hands over his body, enthralled with his skin.

  “Dino…could you work with me, here?” he said, stopping to look at me.

  “What?”

  “Pay attention. I need you to pull your arms out of your sleeves.”

  “I’m busy.”

  “Oh, Jesus,” he muttered as he wrestled me out of my shirt. He got up to pull off my shoes and socks, then went for my belt. “The sooner we get you undressed, the sooner we can get to the fucking part of the program.”

  I smiled at the thought, but said, “I hate to break this to you, but I’m probably too drunk to fuck.”

  “You think so?” he asked, dragging my pants off me.

  “Well, when you get to my age, things stop working after a certain poi—”

  “’Cause you’ve got a hard-on.”

  “I do?” I looked down, and sure enough, there it was. I was amazed. “Cool.”

  He stretched out on my chest, warm and heavy, and kissed me. It was a slow caress of his lips against mine, both of us trying to make up for our own stupidity. It made me dizzy all over again.

  “I do love you, you know,” he said. He’d learned a new trick and wanted to keep trying it out.

  “I know.” I reached up to stroke his hair. “I think I could love you too.”

  “That’s good, I want you to.”

  “Yeah, me too.” It was true, and I had a feeling it wouldn’t take very long. I just hoped I could make it that far.

  The last thing I saw was Seth straddling my hips so he could fit our cocks together. He pressed down on top of me and started moving, but the rest is a blur of hot breath and slick skin. I’m ashamed to say I don’t remember much beyond that point.

  Chapter 22

  The first thing to reach my consciousness was white hot pain originating from my left eye. It hurt so bad it glowed, and it took me a few minutes to realize the sun was shining in my face. When I moved my head, things got better. There was still pain, but it was at a much more tolerable level.

  After taking a physical inventory, I sifted though the memories I had of the night before. I remembered the drinking, the garage, and Seth. Pieces of our conversation started to fall in place, and I remembered he said he loved me. Then I remembered him naked in my bed.

  I turned to reach for him and ask what else had happened, but there was no one there. Just me in my empty bed. In my drunken state, my mind had cooked up what I wanted to see. I’d dreamt it all.

  But then I smelled coffee. Bad coffee. My stomach turned, but I knew I hadn’t made it, so the prospect that Seth forgave me was still a sound one.

  I sat up slowly and swung my legs over the edge of the bed with the intention of going to find him. Instead, I saw a note propped up against my lamp along with a big glass of water and a bottle of ibuprofen. The clock read eleven o’clock. No wonder the God damned sun was in my eye.

  I picked up the note and unfolded it.

  Hi,

  I hope your hangover isn’t half as bad as it should be. I had a 7 AM appointment this morning, and didn’t have the heart to wake you. I’m not sure if I could have anyway, so you probably needed the sleep. I tried making coffee for you. I have no idea how it turned out. It’s not supposed to be a science experiment, dude. Come on over to the shop when you wake up.

  Love, Seth

  I smiled. Not a dream then, which was good, but no Seth to find in my kitchen, either. That was probably for the best, since I stunk like old booze and sex I couldn’t remember.

  I got showered, shaved and dressed with a minimum of fuss, and went to the kitchen to find out if Seth had destroyed my coffee grinder. What I found was a pot of weak looking coffee sitting in the maker, still heating. It smelled old and burnt, which stood to reason since it had been made about four hours before. It was clear Seth had tried to clean up after himself, but there was still a fine mist of ground coffee on everything in sight. I was glad I’d slept through it.

  I poured out the bad coffee and gave the counter a quick wipe down with a rag. I decided coffee out would be a good idea, and I’d pick up some breakfast too. My headache was almost gone, and with something solid to settle my stomach, I’d feel better than I had a right to.

  I drove back to my old neighborhood and a little mom-and-pop grocery store I like, called Donadio’s. Rosa and Dominic are the mom and pop that run the place. They’d have the paper, good coffee, and some fresh doughnuts at the small bakery counter that was Rosa’s main contribution to the business. It reminded me of New York.

  “Hey, it’s Dino!” Dominic bellowed as I came through the door, jingling the little bell that hung on the inside of the doorknob. He was sitting on an overturned milk crate, pricing cans of soup and lining them up on the shelf in front of him.

  “Morning, Dom,” I said, reaching to shake his hand.

  Rosa poked her head through the bakery counter window and waved at me with a dish towel. “Hi, you,” she said. “Had your breakfast yet? I’ve got some nice cinnamon buns today.”

  “That sounds great, Rosa. I’ll take three of them. And some coffee, please.”

  “Hungry boy today,” she said, shaking open a white paper bag.

  “Two of those are for Seth. You could probably put your rag in there and he wouldn’t know the difference.”

  She laughed. “You could stand to put a little meat on your bones. Can I put four in here?”

  “Yeah, sure, why not.” I could always save it for later, and Rosa’s rolls were not to be missed.

  I pulled a newspaper off the rack and put it on the front counter as Dominic came around to ring me up. “How’s business?” I asked him.

  “Oh, I can’t complain. Things keep pretty steady. It’s good.” He punched at the buttons on the old cash register. “And you? Where did you end up after they tore down the apartme
nt building?”

  “I’m over in the north end of town, on First. It’s a nice place with a bunch of old ladies for neighbors.”

  Rosa carried over the bag of rolls and a cardboard cup of coffee. “I gave you some cookies too,” she said. “Those are on the house.”

  “Thanks, Rosa, you’re too good to me. You’re gonna have me lookin’ like Dom before you know it.”

  She grinned and poked her husband with her elbow. “You could do worse.”

  I paid Dominic and stuffed my wallet back in my pocket. I tucked the paper under my arm and picked up the bag and coffee. We said our goodbyes, and I went out to the car.

  I was anxious to see Seth and try to get back to something approaching normal. A new normal, and far from perfect, to be sure, but we could deal with that.

  I pulled into the lot at Ed’s and parked next to the tow truck. With the paper and rolls in one hand, and my coffee in the other, I headed for the side door. I was surprised to find it locked. I checked my watch. It was a quarter to twelve, a little early for lunch, and Seth was supposedly expecting me.

  A guy in his mid-thirties poked his head around the corner of the building, saw me, and came over looking put out. “Are you the guy that runs this place?” he asked.

  “Nope, sorry. But I know him. He must have stepped out for a minute. He lives upstairs, I’ll get him for you.”

  The guy shook his head. “I don’t have time for that. My wife is waiting, and we have to be somewhere. Could you give him my card and the keys? I’ll leave it parked out front. It’s the blue Buick. Have him call me when he gets back.”

  “Sure, no problem,” I said taking the keys and card from him. Nice to know I look trustworthy.

  He got into his wife’s car, and she roared away with more force than necessary.

  I turned and trotted up the steps to beat on the door. “Hey, lazy ass!” I hollered, pounding with my fist. “Get back to work, you’re pissin’ off people right and left here!”