by Caroline Day
The door slams, echoing in my head. I feel like he pushed me away. I remove the blindfold five minutes later, as he ordered, and let my eyes get used to the daylight streaming in through the window. Then I look on the table, searching for the contract. But there is none. There is nothing except for the short note:
‘Forget it...’
Chapter 25.
‘Where have you gone, Alice?’ I yell into the phone as soon as she mumbles ‘Hello’.
‘Lo, nice to hear from you! I got scared when I saw an unfamiliar number.’
That’s weird. I didn't change my phone number. Maybe she didn't bother to save it since we met.
‘Mel's been looking for you for days. Where have you been?’
She keeps silent. I can hear her breathing on the other end of the phone. Alice is obviously strained. She inhales and exhales deeply, one could measure time by her breath.
‘I am at my parents’ in the countryside.’
Wow! That's news to me! Totally unexpected...
‘Why didn't you tell me?’
‘I called Melanie yesterday, and she yelled at me, but showed understanding for my situation. She transferred money I'd earned at the restaurant.’
Well, it’s better than nothing. I wonder why Mel hasn't let me know that she talked to Alice. Although I would hardly have heard the call after the night of love with the stranger and the following morning that hurt my feelings so much.
‘By the way, thank you, Lo,’ Alice says sincerely.
‘For what?’
‘For support you provided. You helped me through difficult times. If you ever need any help, just tell me. I will help you.’
Well, I need help right now. I need support but I doubt anyone is able to provide it. Alice probably could understand me. She could be the one who could put oneself in my place. After all, her heart still belongs to William, but he does not appreciate it at all. What about my heart?
My heart belongs to the stranger, and he doesn't care about my feelings.
I didn't want to admit the man into my life, I wanted to finish it and stop looking for him. I don't want to have him around anymore. But I can no longer control myself after our yesterday's encounter. After everything we said, after the emotions we gave each other.
But I can't do it.
‘Lo, are you still here?’ Alice returns me back down to earth.
‘Sure. Sure, I’ll ask you if I need help.’
I am lying. I lie to myself, first and foremost.
‘Fine. Do you want me to send you a photo of our street? It's such a quiet, peaceful place! Such a nice town!’
She keeps telling me something, and I just say things like ‘yeah’, ‘wow’ sometimes. That’s all. We say goodbye in a few minutes, and I see a new incoming message with a photo attached. The view is really breathtaking and splendid. Snow is everywhere, while in London snow is gradually melting, turning into slush puddles. The population is probably ten thousand or so. She said the place is almost deserted. Her parents chose the great place to move in.
I’d eagerly settle there too, stay alone with my thoughts, so that no one interfered, no one distracted me; no one prevented me from forgetting the stranger.
Our contract ends next week, and he's in no hurry to make another appointment. He didn't call me, nor did he text me, although I doubt that he will take the last opportunity after talk we had yesterday.
I don't feel like going out at all – it's getting damp outside, and I'm not in the mood. Andrew is probably sleeping after his night shift in the club, and Adam has his procedures. In the evening, I'll visit him in the evening. I’ll probably fry some more chicken or...
I wonder whether Adam called Andrew. Did they talk? Have they forgiven each other? Judging by the fact that Andrew didn't text me a damn thing, nor did he express his position in any way, they never made up. Who knows, though? Maybe they are talking to each other right now.
I didn't bother my friend yesterday or today either. I wanted to stay by myself, think over the recent events in my life, but I come to the same conclusion, no matter how much I try to avoid it. I think not only about the man with thick hair and unique scent I've never seen, but also about my loved ones. The feeling of devastation never left me yesterday, so I called Alice today. Even the Mexican guy felt my attitude from a distance. Fortunately for him, he didn’t nag me later, otherwise I would kill him.
Then I suddenly get an incoming message.
Adam: ‘What should I text Andrew?’
I: ‘What do you mean?’
Adam: ‘Just what I said. I don't know where to start.’
So they haven't talked yet. Guys are guys. However, Andrew shouldn’t be blamed in being less masculine – he's gay. But he is not effeminate either.
I: ‘You may start with ‘I’m sorry’.
Adam: ‘I texted it six months ago. I doubt this will work out.’
Heck! What should I do? Why do I have to solve their problems? There is only one way: Adam is not able to leave hospital to visit our friend, and Andrew will never stoop to come to the hospital just to talk.
But I have a better idea.
I: ‘Wait for me. I’m on my way.’
I hope Andrew will not tear his beloved Lo apart after the tricky escapade I am going to commit, but I need to restore the balance between best friends that was once destroyed. Adam no longer takes drugs. He has recovered from addiction, from cancer, and now he’s ready to make a new start. We'll be fine, and Andrew will show understanding. He might have some sympathy... I guess so.
I immediately grab some clothes from the wardrobe, quickly put it on, run out to the subway, pass by bewildered Carlos and get to the friends' apartment. I have to put my ideas into practice while I'm still determined, until the plan slips away from my head.
‘Lo?’ I run straight into Alex. The guy is not smiling, as usual. On the contrary, he looks upset.
‘Hello there. I was just coming to see you. Andrew...’
‘He’s not here.’
What a bad luck! Where is my irrepressible friend when I need him so much? Heck! I didn't even consider the possibility that Andrew wouldn't be home. I was sure he would have a rest after night work. What should I do?
‘What do you want?’ Alex asks in a strained voice.
‘Well, you know...’ I don't know what to say, so I blurt out the first logical solution that comes to mind: ‘I’d better go. See you later.’
‘Fine,’ he says, walking down the street, his face sad and unhappy. Is it my imagination, or he has even lowered his head in despair? What's going on?
‘Alex!’
The guy doesn't respond right away, but when he turns his face to me, even in the distance, I see in his blue eyes what I didn't notice before.
‘Are you okay?’
‘Sure. Never mind.’
He tries to escape again, but I come up to him and grab his arm.
‘Are you in a hurry?’
‘On my way to the bar.’
‘Why? It's daytime, they're probably closed, and...’
‘We broke up.’
What? I stare at him in bewilderment, still struggling to believe him. But that’s true.
‘Why? What’s happened?’ I almost yell at Andrew’s boyfriend... Well, his ex-boyfriend, I mean.
‘He came to his ex.’
What? What ex is he talking about? As far as I know, Alex is Andrew's first boyfriend. I’ve never heard about others. Andrew never told me anything. Maybe...
‘Who are you talking about?’
‘Don't pretend you don't know!’ The guy glares angrily at me. ‘He ran to your brother at his whistle! This anorexic impudent called in the morning and asked him to come urgently! And Andrew left right off! He knew I'd be against it, but he didn't care!’
The guy's fists are clenched tightly, and his jaw muscles are moving back and forth. For the first time in my life, this ever-smiling guy scares me nearly to death. I feel like he's about to hit if not kil
l me, like I'm responsible for my friend’s breakup.
However, I am shocked by the news about Andrew. When did he leave? When did Adam call him? We don't live that far, but it takes a while to get there, and it's only been half an hour since I sent the last message to my brother.
‘I didn’t know it... Sorry...’
‘Sorry, Lo, but... Let’s talk later.’
I don't try to stop the guy who seems to be absolutely lost, nor do I grab his hand again and comfort him, as he and Andrew used to do after my moral lapse. Of course, he needs comforting, but not from me.
I wonder why he thought that Adam was Andrew's ex... As far as I know, they’ve never dated. At least as long as they were friends, Andrew never told us that he preferred guys. However, these two could keep their relationship a secret in order to avoid hurting feelings of a vulnerable human being named Dolores Brown. Damn! I'll hit them both so hard that they'll spend the next month in the hospital. And I am not going to pay for their treatment anymore!
I rush to the hospital, but not hoping to reconcile two close friends. Instead I have a strong desire to kick their asses. I run out of the subway, go up to the third floor, fling past the bewildered nurse, quickly nod to greet Dr. Connor, rush into the room and...
‘You're fucking bastard!’ Andrew’s yelling at my brother, pulling his shoulders.
‘Get off me! Let me explain myself...’
‘Forget it! You don't deserve this!’
‘What's going on here?’
The guys freeze as I yell the question at the top of my voice when the door shuts. I don't want guards running in here.
‘Did you put him up to this?’ Andrew points a finger at me.
‘What are you talking about?’
‘This idiot called me and said he was dying. When I got here, he was lying on the bed listening to the stupid iPod! What a bastard!’
Adam looks at me guiltily, his blue eyes slightly sparkling. Then he turns his face to the former friend and says:
‘Sorry. I wanted to talk to you but you never answered my messages.’
‘You idiot! You're still the same asshole you've always been!’ Andrew continues to yell. ‘Have you ever thought about others? I had a fight with my boyfriend because of you! He doesn't want to see me! He thinks I left him, while you...’
‘Calm down!’ I run over and stand between the guys when Andrew makes another attempt to reach my brother. Honestly, I would have blown his head off, too. ‘I wanted you to make up, and you are fighting again!’
‘I am not going to talk to this...’
‘Stop it! Listen to me!’ the guys are looking at me intently, as if I'm about to utter a great truth. ‘Adam, you did act like a complete asshole,’ I begin.
‘But...’
‘Don't interrupt me! You're both acting like two mules. By the way, why the hell didn't you say that you had been dating for a while?’
‘What?’ they both stare at me in surprise.
‘Alex told me the heartbreaking story of your relationship with a guy named Adam!’ I look at Andrew intently. One dark brow rose up his tan forehead, and chocolate eyes are about to throw lightning in different directions. I hope it won't hurt my brother and me.
‘We’ve never dated,’ replies Andrew. ‘I don't care of your gay squabbles. Don't get me mixed up in this.’
‘Say one more word, and I’ll hit...’
‘Stop it! once again, I play the role of a secure wall that protects them from each other. ‘So we settled it. Andrew, you're wrong, too.’
‘Are you kidding?’ Andrew looks at me like I was a psycho, his hands folded on his chest.
‘Nope. Adam's done a lot of bad things in the past, and he's doing the same thing now, but he wants to earn your forgiveness.’
There is a big pause as I gather my courage. Thank God, nobody interrupts me.
‘I know what happened between you,’ I turn my face to Andrew, hoping he'll understand what I mean. ‘I know about your quarrel and debt. He was high; he barely knew what he was saying. Tell me how much he owes you, and I’ll give you money...’
‘You told her only about your debt, didn't you?’ Andrew stares at my brother from behind my shoulder. ‘So you never told that you wanted to give her to repay your debt! You didn’t mention that I covered up for her when your ‘creditors’ came to me! What’s wrong with you?’ he mouths out every word, as if he's trying to convey the meaning of what he's saying.
Well, I’ve got it.
But my first reaction is to disbelieve. I replay Andrew's words in my head over and over again, trying to make sense of them, trying to understand why he said them the way he did.
How could he say that Adam was going to give me away to repay debt?
It’s not true. It's an undiluted lie. Of course, he’s lying. Andrew is lying to spite his former best friend. He’s just trying to tear us apart. No, he shouldn’t say such things about my brother... He shouldn’t. But maybe...
However, my brother's eyes tell me everything I need to know. He looks upset, guilty. Why does Adam keep silent? He makes no attempt to justify himself. Why? He could refute what Andrew was saying. Andrew, the only person who cared about me all this time, who supported me after my parents died... Andrew, who was always there for me...
And showed me the truth...
‘Lo, please...’
I don't say anything. I run out of the room, hardly able to see anything around me. Tears well up in my eyes, so I don't know where I go. And my hearing seems to fail me either, since I can't hear the guys calling me. I want to run away. Away from the ward, away from the third floor that I visited almost daily for the past six months, as if it were my home. Away from these guys who have just ruined my life. Away from everything that connects me to this place.
Away from the pain that will never leave me...
The day is cold and windy. I haven't noticed that before. Perhaps now is the time to look outside, watch the gray sky, feel the rain drops merging with tears on my face... A familiar voice is calling out my name:
‘Dolores?’
I look up and meet his beautiful brown eyes. His eyes shining with desire make me freeze. For some reason, he seems to be worried. That’s weird. And at this moment I shudder, not from the cool rain but from the memories of our last encounter and this unexpected catch-up...
Chapter 26.
‘Hello, Mr. Sullivan.’ My voice doesn't sound excited, and the greeting turns to be informal, but not indifferent, as at the University. Too pathetic and whiny…
‘Are you okay?’ he frowns at me, his dark brows furrowed, and he keeps looking at me as if I were Mona Lisa hanging in the Louvre.
‘Yes, I’m fine. Probably.’
‘Are you alone?’
Oh yes. Alone. I am completely alone now. I have neither friends nor my brother for who I've done everything I could. I've been through months of hell with him: I helped him cope with withdrawal symptoms; I sold our parents’ house to pay for his treatment. Damn it, I slept with a stranger, and he... he...
I don't know at what point my tears get the better of me again, and my emotions run high at the memory of Andrew's statement, which my brother didn't refute. He didn't even try! He didn't make any excuses; he just kept silent and stared at me like a kicked dog. As if it wasn't his fault. Like he has nothing to do with me...
‘Dolores?’
What do you want from me? What? Leave me alone. I want to stay somewhere in peace alone so that no one can see my pain, my disappointment in the closest person in the world. In my twin brother who was a part of me...
‘I...’ I look into the man’s eyes, and speak almost clearly: ‘I have to go home. Sorry...’
I run away from the bewildered professor. Away from the street. Away from the rain that catches up with me by the subway… Away from the past that was about to engulf me with a wave of terrifying memories.
A few rain drops fall on my nose, and roll down to the tip, tickling me. But it doesn't ma
tter now when there is a void in my bosom. I felt like I have a hole in my bosom, and all my feelings for my brother were extracted through it. I don't care what Sullivan thinks of my swift departure, I don't care that for the last few days I've got used to the idea that he was my stranger. Nothing matters now.
‘Dolores.’ My cool hand has been captured by the warmth. By the heat.
I turn back and face the brown eyes of the professor. I can hardly read any emotion on the man's well-sculpted face, but there is a hint of concern in his eyes.
‘You look pale.’
Much obliged, Sullivan! I find your words very comforting, this will certainly help me cope!
‘Why do you think so?’
It's a stupid question, but I blurt it out before thinking twice. Involuntarily.
‘Let me give you a ride.’
Instead of answering, the man tightens his grip and pulls me toward the traffic light, to the parking lot across the street. I catch a glimpse of a familiar smell, but immediately push all the thoughts away. Not now! I’ll think of it later.
‘Where?’ I finally get my breath after his sudden offer.
‘I’ll take you home.’
‘It’s ok, I can get there by myself.’
‘I insist,’ he pulls me toward a luxury SUV parked at the curb.
I stop resisting and sit in the front seat. I look at a small crack that is ready to spread all over the glass, creating a delicate pattern... And then smash it to pieces. The same is occurring to my soul right now.
‘How did you get...?’
‘The SUV is not mine,’ he says, as if reading my mind, answering before I finished my question. ‘Where should I take you?’
‘To the dorm,’ I tell him the address of the building, which has become my home over the past few months.
He looks at me intently, as if trying to catch me in a lie, but then he grabs his phone, types the address and puts the phone on a magnetic holder.
We both keep silent during the ride. Even the soft music playing on the radio doesn't break the silence between us. There is no sense in talking now. I don't feel like explaining myself, and he doesn't care to ask questions.