by Caroline Day
I am staring in front of me. My eyes are following the rain paths on the glass. Even when we hit a traffic jam halfway through, I keep staring at the glass. I try not to think about anything. I try to forget, to turn off my brain as far as I could do it. As you can imagine, I haven't succeeded yet.
‘I think I shouldn’t ask you how your brother is doing,’ he breaks the silence finally. Why did he ask me?
‘Probably.’
‘What about you? How’s life treating you?’
Is he kidding? Doesn't he see I’m doing my best to swallow my silent sobs? Depressed. Devastated. I would rather die than think of my past related to my brother! My entire past… Adam has been by my side as long as I remember myself. Always. Until this day. We've been linked by an invisible thread since we were born, and now I want to cut it off and free myself.
But I can’t do it.
‘Why do you care?’ I blurt it out before realizing that it sounds rude.
‘My student has been acting strangely lately, and so your question sounds stupid. Thank me for not calling the psych ward.’
Much obliged, Sullivan!
I’ve been feeling angry for a few seconds, until I turn my face to the professor and look at him intently, as if I’m seeing him for the first time. I glance at his well sculpted features with well-defined cheekbones, at the slightly pursed lips, the gloved hands gripping the steering wheel so hard that the leather is about to break.
I silently admire him, like the other girls in the University. The first day I saw him I was at his lecture, shocked, in the back row, and I thought he was my stranger.
What about now? Do I still think so?
‘You didn't answer. How are you doing?’
‘Do you really care?’ I blurt out the question. The man keeps silent for a while.
‘I’ve already told you I care. I don't think your brother would be happy to know that his sister is on the verge of a nervous breakdown.’
‘How do you know whether he’s happy about it or not?’ I ask, looking straight into his eyes. ‘He probably doesn't care.’
‘I don't think so. You are his sister. Of course, he cares.’
‘He was about to give me to drug dealers as a debt compensation. Do you think he cared about me then?’
Once again, the silence hangs over us like a dark cloud, but this time it is tense and not soothing. I realize that I can no longer keep silent, and the tears cannot be held inside anymore. Just like pain that tears me apart.
‘I did everything for him! Everything! I saved him the trouble, paid for his treatment, and took care of him during chemo! I had to sell the house to pay for his treatment. I had to do things that...’
‘What things?’
Really? Is he kidding? Why does he ask me about the things? He knows very well what I did... Why should we talk about the things again? But...
But I had some doubts, right? Perhaps he has nothing to do with the stranger. There were some negligible discrepancies, but Sullivan is still one of active candidacies.
My cell starts vibrating in my pocket. Somebody wants to talk to me, but I don't pick up the phone. I don't care. They may call as many times as they want. No, I should better turn it off. Yes, that would be right.
‘Never mind,’ I say, turning off the phone and putting it back in my pocket.
‘Why did you tell me this then?’
‘I haven't told you anything special.’
‘As you like it.’
The traffic jam gradually vanishes, and we drive along the highway to the dorm. Sullivan doesn't ask me any questions. We don't discuss Adam and his betrayal anymore. But Andrew's phrase that divided my life into ‘before’ and ‘after’ keeps running through my head.
Sullivan stops the car at the corner of the building. I'm not in a hurry to get out, but I should go, as fast as possible.
‘If you need something, feel free to call me,’ he says in a stern voice with a barely perceptible note of concern. He looks like a caring dad who can’t look after his child twenty-four-seven. I wonder if he has a family.
‘Fine. Thank you for the ride,’ I casually drop a polite phrase. I get out of the car. I rather run away, stuck in my thoughts. Again. But they have nothing to do with my twin brother. Not at all.
His voice, his scent, the familiar huskiness, and the excitement I feel only when the stranger touches me. Maybe I was wrong about the blindfold in the back pocket of his jeans. Could Sullivan be the stranger after all?
I have only one way to test my theory.
I turn on my phone and read the only incoming message, ignoring Adam's apologies and Andrew’s screams ‘Where are you?’
Anonymous: ‘You’ll get a package tomorrow. You’d wear it for New year's Eve. Be ready to meet me.’
The message was delivered at three am. At that time, Sullivan was already behind the wheel and did not touch his cell. It’s not him then. I’ve been mistaken!
It's not him…
Or he's a professional at allaying suspicion...
Chapter 27.
‘Holidays are coming, holidays are coming...’
Do you remember the old Coca Cola Christmas advert? Santa on the red train distributes gifts to everyone, Christmas spirit is blooming... That’s critical for Christmas, but New Year is important too. But not for me. I am in low spirits, and my heart is almost petrified and does not feel anything.
In the past, I spent the New Year’s Eve with my parents, then with Adam in the hospital room, and now I am going to celebrate it with my friends. I'm willing to ignore the shit that I feel inside. For the sake of the ever-smiling Andrew, for the sake of Alex looking at my friend with loving eyes.
We made up after two days of my estrangement from everyone. I spent the days without daylight, without any food and communication. There were just me, four walls, and memories that were killing me from the inside, until Andrew came to my room, or rather until he kicked the door down, because I heard neither a loud knock nor his request to open the door.
‘What the fuck?’ I shout, pulling off my headphones as my disheveled friend appears at the doorway.
‘Why don't you open the door?’ Andrew said in the same angry tone.
‘I haven't heard you.’
‘Really? You haven't heard my calls either, have you?’
Of course, I heard the cell ringing. It was ringing pretty often. At first I counted the number of missed calls, read messages from the stranger, and then I just turned off the cell. I didn’t want to talk to anyone.
Andrew takes off his bear hat and sits down next to me on the bed. He rather flops down on the sofa. Like it was the old days, when I felt upset and my friend came to comfort me. When Adam disappeared in the evenings, when he was admitted to the hospital, when I said goodbye to my home...
When I got an offer to sell my body for a large sum of money…
Before, I could easily put my head on Andrew's strong shoulder and give way to emotions, but now...
‘What do you want?’ I move away from him, glancing into his golden brown eyes. ‘Are you here to gloat? Like, ‘I’ve told you but you never listen to what I say!’ Right? Wanna let me know that I shouldn’t help him? Am I right?’
‘I came to check you,’ my friend interrupts me, and his voice is calm, unlike mine, and moves closer to me. ‘You haven't answered for days! Even Adam called me to ask how you were doing and when you were coming.’
‘Never! I'll never be in his fucking ward again! Why haven’t you told me right away?’
‘To make you suffer even more?’
‘Unfortunately, it didn’t help. I still suffer anyway!’ I yell at the top of my voice. ‘I would never sell our house then nor would I suffer working like a dog! I would have never signed this damn contract! I would have never been in the escort service if you told me that before! My life would have been different...’
‘And Adam would have died, and you would never forgive yourself for that loss. I love him, no matter what
you say.’
Again, his words hit me right in the chest, in the heart. Deep down, where I'd hidden all my emotions, letting them come out right now.
‘It's time to get out of your shelter,’ he snuggles up to me, puts his arm around my shoulders, and strokes my head, as if I were a baby, and I don't resist. I am exhausted.
‘What if I don't want?’
‘You want.’
Andrew moves away for a moment and pulls a set of Christmas gingerbread out of his backpack. It’s just like the one that I used to buy in a small store not far from our family house. Has he gone to my old neighborhood despite of the New Year's traffic jams to bring me sweets?
‘Deal,’ I take the gift from my friend and start eating. I'm not the only one eating, of course, Andrew gets a few gingerbreads too.
We eat and laugh, remembering our youth, hard moments of life that we overcame together. In my soul, the storm gradually calms down; the flood and typhoon pass away. I guess I feel a little better than I felt in those two days, when I had given up everything. That's what friends are for – to share not only joy, but also sorrow.
I shared Andrew’s sorrows, too. In difficult times, when he confessed to being gay, ran away from home and met his first and only boyfriend. I still remember my reaction to this news, my suspicions about his relationship with my brother, and even how we shared the same room for a while until Andrew found a place to live and started renting the flat with his boyfriend. By the way...
‘Alex and I made up,’ my friend said casually.
‘Really?’
‘Yes, He got it all wrong, but then he forgave me.
‘Why did you go to Adam if you knew that he is such a shit?’ I ask, listening carefully to the answer to my question.
‘I was hoping he had something to say. How could I know that the grave condition was just a deception?’
He’s right. My little brother couldn't think of anything smarter. It's just like him, and it's odd that Andrew didn't see through him.
‘Promise me you won't hide anything from me anymore,’ I say, turning my face to him.
‘Fine. And you promise me you won't see Sullivan again.’
But this promise is much more difficult to keep since the contract between us is still valid. I can’t just reject our engagement. This is impossible... Well, it would be if I didn't know that the contract is coming to an end, and our engagement on the New Year's Eve is the last one.
And I promised myself it would never happen again.
When Andrew was around, I did what I was looking forward for a long time – I removed my profile from the escort services website. I have no idea why I didn't do it before. I didn't intend to work in this area any further since I fulfilled my goal and even exceeded it.
With the rest of the money, I'll buy my parents’ house and try to accept my fate. My friends will help me to survive, I will finish my studies and become a successful professional. And even if someone tries to stop me, it won't work. I've sacrificed myself for the good of others; I’ve stepped over myself to make my loved ones happy for too long.
I'm getting ready for tonight's party with my friends and for my last engagement with a stranger. I can't believe this is going to end soon. It's an odd feeling. I am supposed to be relieved and look forward to a bright future with all this money. However, I felt just the opposite.
After talking to Andrew, my emotions seemed to come out of hibernation and fill me to the brim. The memory of events, the feelings I had experienced the last time I met the stranger, all this rolled on me like a snowball. And it took a long time to get to the bottom of it.
I had mixed feelings. My search, our engagements, a motive for his actions... After all, I was forced to do this due to my brother's disease. He is healthy now, he went through the rehabilitation, and now...
It was all for nothing. We met for nothing; my feelings for the stranger are not affected by the need. I guess so. The ties that link us are not as strong and powerful. I am not craving for seeing him as before. I didn't even check out Sullivan's Instagram to ensure that there is a scar on his thumb that I'd seen in the toilet stall.
It’s time to start a new life. A life without feelings, without unnecessary emotions… I'll do whatever he ask me to do and leave.
I’ll never see him again.
Anonymous: ‘Today at the London club after the chimes in private room No1. Put on the dress I first fucked you in.’
My cell gives a short but nasty squeal notifying me about the incoming message. That’s the place where we had sex for the first time. That's the club where Andrew works, and where we agreed to meet to celebrate New Year.
The box he sent me is in the corner. I picked it up the day after I made up with Andrew, but I still haven't opened it. That's the first time I check the box content. My hands reach the red wrapping paper. I shrug indifferently as I see inside a black lace underwear set ‘La Perla’ and a bag with two silver balls linked neatly with a chain.
How romantic. Did he decide to get into the full swing? I hope I get out of the private room safe and sound.
After the intent tidying up, doing my hair, applying make-up I put on the underwear from the box, a black tight zipper chest dress, put the balls inside and go out to face my fate. A taxi is waiting at the entrance to the hostel, high-heeled boots barely keep my body in balance, and as for my feelings... I feel nothing. Not a trace of excitement before the upcoming New Year part and the last engagement with the stranger. Anyway, I set myself up for the evening against my will, I forced myself to apply makeup and curl my hair.
Oh, heck, who am I kidding?
Walking along with the balls is painfully awkward and sweet at the same time. I still remember my sensation when he sent the vibro bullet. As soon as I get out of the taxi in full gear, the appraising looks of men make me blush with shame. If they knew that strong waves of excitement are engulfing me one after another... Well, it doesn't really matter.
Anonymous: ‘Sit at the bar counter and get a Sex on the beach.’
I am scanning the hall in search for Andrew's ever smiling face under the bear hat. Alex and his sister are sitting next to him. They all look as if we are hanging out at the beach.
‘Sex on the beach, please,’ I yell at the bartender's back and take a seat next to my friends.
‘Look who's here!’ Andrew says joyfully, turning to me with a cocktail in his hand.
‘We’ve been waiting for you.’ ‘You look great,’ Alex’s sister Angela extends me her hand to greet me, right in front of her brother’s face. We’ve only seen each other a few times, but her friendliness makes me feel good. Alex smiles at me sweetly, sitting next to me.
‘So guys, let’s have a full ride today!’
‘Deal!’ Angela picks up a Margarita and says: ‘Good-bye old year, let all the troubles be in the past,’ and raises her glass, making us do the same.
We clink glasses and drink the cocktails. Memories of the past year flash through my mind. A feeling of loneliness in the family house, Adam's frequent disappearances, a hospital, a drug overdose, his diagnosis, his quarrel with Andrew, working 24/7 and collecting funds for my brother's treatment... And a big step that changed my life. It will be over only after the chimes.
‘Come on, let’s dance. Let's party for the last time this year!’ Angela offers.
‘Great idea!’ I reply, twisting my matte red lips in a smile.
‘Let leave them to themselves, otherwise they will start reproaching me for not giving them privacy,’ the girl shouts in my ear as we walk to the dance floor. Well, I like the idea too.
The music drowns out all the words, the beat is pounding in my bosom along with the heartbeats. I close my eyes and give myself up to the dance. I’m dancing as I can. As I feel. I leave behind everything: the haunting past, the problems and the person who caused them.
I am emotional again, still unable to contain my feelings even on that day. Again I was hoping I wouldn't feel anything. No anger, no f
rustration, no excitement. The vaginal balls roll inside, irritating the sensitive spots. The sensation is so strong that my whole body is heated up. My cheeks are getting hot. Fortunately it's dark here, and no one can see my embarrassment.
Anonymous: ‘Dance with your friend. Try to look seductive. Imagine I am looking at you.’
I feel his eyes, dark like a devilish entity, fixed on me. At least I imagine them dark when his gaze is piercing my exhausted body. He’s scanning me from the tips of my lashes to toes, lingering at the neckline of my dress. On my bottom that draws the tenth eight-shaped pattern for the tenth time in a row. It’s not as deep as before since I’m trying to subdue my jitters and surge of sexual desire in my lower abdomen, but this does not make it much better. More precisely, it doesn't change anything.
We'll never see each other again. We don't owe each other anything. A feeling of frustration surges up inside me.
‘Come on, the Big Ben chimes are about to start.’ Angela grabs my hand and pulls me toward the guys talk sweetly, leaning over the bar counter. They look like they are about to kiss.
‘Are you ashamed to kiss in public?’ I say, feigning indignation. ‘You’ll be able to pap up each other later.’
‘We don’t do lovey-dovey stuff,’ Andrew glares at me, as if I've taken away from him the most important thing he’d ever had.
‘Things are about to start.’
Cheerfulness and rattle are all around. The music stops, and a huge image of the Big Ben appears on the wall-size screen. The guys and I join in the fun and also shout out the countdown to the New Year.
Ten.
I wonder what Adam is doing now.
Nine.
Is Dr. Connor around?
Eight.
When are you two going to kiss?
Seven.
Will this year bring me happiness? Will I be able to start a new life?
Six.
The heat of excitement becomes overwhelming, and only the stranger can quench it, no matter how much I deny it.
Five.
Will I see him again one day? There is no blindfold on my eyes.