Sentinel - Progression Series 10 Pilgrimage Part 1

by Beth Manz

  “Then you should rest, Chief. Everything else can wait.”

  But as they stepped onto the elevator together, Jim knew it wasn’t just exhaustion that plagued Blair. The problem ran deeper than that and unless he did something soon, he feared he might lose the person Blair once was forever.

  /

  Eli Stoddard pulled off his glasses and rubbed at his eyes. He’d been working later than usual the entire week, making sure Blair’s classes were covered, helping counsel both students and faculty who were still struggling to deal with the deaths of the three university students, trying to get through each day--hoping that sometime very soon everything would get back to normal.

  Except Blair hasn't called once since he left the hospital. Eli’s stomach clenched tight against the thought. Will he ever talk to me again?

  He still wasn’t quite certain why Blair was avoiding him. Shame, guilt, anger. He was sure Blair felt all those things…because he felt them himself. But neither one of them could begin to heal until they talked. He missed the young man--Blair's silence was like a gaping hole in the professor's heart. He'd give the boy a few more days, then--if he hadn't heard from him in that time--he'd try again. Perhaps he'd even stop at the loft rather than make a phone call….

  He looked up at the sound of the knock on his door. A moment later, Jim Ellison stepped inside. Eli stood, extending his hand across the desk.

  “Jim, this is a surprise.”

  “Is this a bad time?” Jim asked, shaking the extended hand. “I guess I should have called first.”

  “No, of course not. Have a seat.” Eli extended a hand toward one of the chairs flanking his desk. “Did you come about that information you asked me to look up? I’m sorry, but I just haven’t had the time yet.”

  Jim waved a hand, dismissing his words. “No, actually I came to talk to you about Blair. Did he call you tonight?”

  “No,” Eli admitted sadly. “I haven’t heard from him.”

  “I’m sorry,” Jim said, shaking his head. “I really thought he’d call this time.”

  “This time?”

  “I’ve been trying to get him to call you for days. He said he didn’t want to call you until he had good news about the case.”

  Stoddard leaned forward at his desk, clasping his hands together. “And that’s happened?”

  “We caught the men who attacked Blair and the students. One of the men rolled on the other two. They all ended up making deals with the DA, but they’re going away for a long time. The best part is that there won’t be a trial, which means Blair won’t have to testify in court about what was done to him.”

  “He must be pleased about that.”

  “I hope so,” Jim muttered.

  “You don’t know?”

  Jim ran a hand over his face and through his hair. “Right now, I don’t know much about what Blair is thinking or feeling. He’s just not himself. The fact that he’s avoiding you should give you a good idea about how much he’s closed himself off. He’s bitter, short-tempered, and he’s not sleeping well. And I don’t know what to do anymore.”

  Eli gazed evenly at Jim, his gaze contemplative. “Why did you really stop here to see me?” he asked finally. “You could have talked about your problems with Blair with your captain or any other number of friends. Why did you come to me?”

  Jim leaned forward in his chair. “Because I think what’s going on with Blair might have more to do with his role in my world as a sentinel than my world as a friend.”

  “I’m listening.”

  Jim pushed up from his chair and began pacing in front Eli’s desk, his frustration over everything that was happening almost palpable. “There’s another part of this sentinel thing, a spiritual side that I don’t know if Blair has talked to you about or not.”

  “No,” Eli interjected, “he hasn’t mentioned that.”

  “I didn’t think he would. It’s kind of a closed subject for us most times. My fault there,” Jim muttered. He stopped pacing and looked down at Eli. “When I was in Peru, I was taken in by a Chopec tribe. One member of the tribe in particular, the tribe’s shaman, became a teacher of sorts for me. He guided me and helped me while I was there. Two years ago, Incacha, my shaman teacher, came to Cascade. During the time he was here, he was murdered.”

  “I’m sorry,” Eli sympathized.

  Jim nodded curtly. “Blair and I were both with him and just before he died, he grabbed Blair by the arm and told him that he was passing on the way of the shaman to him.”

  Eli raised an eyebrow, stunned by Jim’s revelations. “Blair’s never said a word about any of this to me.”

  “I’m not surprised,” Jim admitted. “I think a lot of that is because of my attitude toward what happened. I never encouraged Blair to pursue what occurred with Incacha. Deep down, I think he knew that I didn’t want him to, that I just wanted to forget about all of it.”

  “But why? If Incacha was your teacher at one time, I’d think you’d be happy that he passed this honor to Blair.”

  “Honor? What honor?” Jim asked, turning sharply toward Eli. “He grabs my partner as he’s dying, utters a few vague words to him, and Blair’s whole life is supposed to change because of it?”

  Eli’s brow furrowed in confusion. “Why would Blair’s whole life change?”

  “Because mine did,” Jim snapped. Stopping behind the chair he had occupied when he first arrived, he gripped the back so tightly his knuckles whitened. “This sentinel thing is my whole life now, Eli. And I don’t regret that. But…I can never walk away from it.”

  “And you think Blair could? Jim, he’s as much a part of your experience as you. This ‘sentinel thing,’ as you call it, is his life’s work.”

  “But I don’t want it to become his life.”

  Eli exhaled a small huff of air. “I think you’re too late for that,” he said softly.

  Jim nodded, dropping his gaze to the floor.

  “So, do you want to tell me why you’re here tonight?” Eli asked after a time.

  “You know about the...accident Blair had at the fountain here at Rainier?”

  “I know he nearly drowned. My secretary sent me the clippings on it.”

  ”Before it happened I had a vision about Blair. I knew he was in danger, Eli. I knew I had to get to him.”

  “You saw him drowning?”

  “No, in my vision I was hunting, searching for something that was threatening me. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw something move. It was a wolf. I turned and shot the animal, killing it with one arrow. After it was dead, the wolf changed into Blair."

  Eli nodded, suddenly understanding Jim’s request earlier this week. “You think the wolf was Blair’s animal spirit, an animal spirit he inherited from Incacha. That something on the spiritual plane was trying to alert you to the danger to your friend.”

  “I don’t know,” Jim admitted honestly. “Clearly it was a warning about Blair but where it came from...I just don’t know. All I do know is that when I finally found Blair, he was dead. We tried to revive him but nothing worked, not even the paramedics could bring him back. Everyone said he was gone and they all gave up on him. But I just couldn’t accept it. It was like I knew deep inside that I could help him. That I, alone, could bring him back.”

  “And you did?”

  “Yes. I...I touched him and in that moment, I saw a vision of a panther and a wolf. The two animals ran toward each other, blended into each other, and suddenly Blair’s heart began to beat again.”

  Eli’s eyes narrowed slightly as he considered Jim’s words. “So you think the panther is your spirit guide and the wolf is Blair’s? And that when they...met on this other plane, that Blair was...reborn?”

  “Yes,” Jim breathed.

  “Did you ever discuss this with Blair?”

  Jim dropped his gaze again, but Eli didn't miss the shame in his eyes. “When Blair woke in the hospital, he told me that he'd experienced the same vision of the two animals. It was clear to me t
hat he wanted to talk about it but I...I pretty much told him no. I did tell him later about the vision of the wolf that had warned me to find him at the university the morning of his drowning, but I only gave him the barest of details. For the most part I shut him down regarding the entire shaman and spirit animal subjects. We've…we've never talked about them again."

  “So why is this all coming up now? Did you have another vision about Blair? Did you see his spirit guide again?”

  “No, but I think Blair has come into contact with the wolf again. Only he can't or won't accept it. And deep down, I think that’s what’s bothering him.” Jim looked at Eli again, and the professor couldn't help but notice the deep lines of exhaustion around the detective's eyes. “The hikers who found Blair told me that they heard a wolf. That they followed the sounds of the wolf to Blair. That that’s how they found him.”

  “And you think it was Blair’s spirit guide leading them to him?”

  “I don’t know for sure, Eli. But a part of me believes it could have been.”

  “Have you asked Blair about this?”

  Jim laughed mirthlessly. “He won’t talk about it. But...I think he heard it, too. Every time I bring up the subject, his heart pounds so hard I think it’s going to beat right out of his chest. He’s not telling me something. And I don’t know how to get him to open up to me.” He shook his head. “I don’t know what to think about this, Eli. I don’t know if it was his spirit guide or not. But I think it’s something Blair needs to know.”

  “What do you want me to do?”

  Jim spread his hands beseechingly. “Help me figure out a way of reaching Blair.”

  Eli leaned forward in his chair, resting his clasped hands on the desk in front of him. “I’m going to do some research on shamans and spirit guides. Maybe with the information in hand, Blair will talk to us.”

  Jim let out a long breath of relief. “Thank you, Eli.”

  “No need to thank me, Jim. I care about what happens to Blair. More than anything, I want him to be at peace.”

  Jim smiled warmly. “Then we both want the same thing.”

  /

  Blair stood on the balcony, shivering as the early evening wind swept over him. He knew if Jim were home, he’d never let him stand out here like this.

  Do you want to end up back in the hospital, Chief? Because that’s where you’re headed if you don’t get your butt back inside right now.

  He smiled fondly as he thought about his partner. He knew Jim was worried about him and he wished more than anything that he could take that worry away, make things right again. But Blair just didn’t feel right. Didn’t feel like himself.

  Maybe I should call Dr. Stoddard…

  But what could he say? How could he face him? Those three boys were dead because of him, because of the choices he’d made and things he’d done and things he’d failed to do.

  His fingers came up to lightly trace the marks on his face. The irritation was slowly fading, along with the other cuts and scrapes he’d sustained. Even his side was healing nicely. The only real reminders of his ordeal were the memories that still plagued him, the doubts that ate away at him.

  Suddenly, in the distance, carried on the strong wind, came the soulful cry of a wolf. The mournful sound washed over and through him, chilling him. He stiffened, backing away from the balcony railing as the echo of the sound rang in his ears--the howl had sounded exactly like the one he had heard last night in his dream.

  Dream? Or is it a memory?

  He closed his eyes against the unwanted question, the images from the night before playing vividly through his mind once again. And for an instant, he could almost feel the weight of the wolf's body on his, lending him warmth and shelter.

  It wasn’t there. It’s just not possible.

  Again the howl came, and this time Blair knew he wasn't imagining things. The sound was real. Fearful of what he might see, yet unable to ignore what he had heard, Blair turned in the direction from which the howl had come. In the distance, dark clouds spread against the sky, lightning flashing every few minutes. A storm was coming, blowing in on the wind, stalking closer and closer. But there was no sign of a wolf, real or otherwise.

  “You don’t exist!” he shouted, the words caught by the wind and flung uselessly away. Fighting a shiver that ran the length of his body, Blair moved toward the balcony doors and retreated into the warmth and safety of the loft. “You don’t exist,” he whispered out as he leaned back against the closed balcony door. “So just leave me alone.”

  /

  Jim drove toward the loft with a new sense of hope. He was glad he’d decided to talk to Eli. He trusted the man, knew he had nothing but Blair’s best interests at heart, and he felt confident he could help them.

  He just wished he had taken this step sooner. Wished he had opened up to Blair about all this before now.

  Every time Jim had been faced with his own visions about his spirit guide, Blair had been there for him. Encouraging him, talking to him, helping him through it, helping him to understand it.

  It’s about time you repaid the favor, Ellison.

  He flipped on the windshield wipers as the first drops of rain began to fall. As the miles dropped off behind him, his mind drifted back to those last moments with Incacha. He’d known the Chopec shaman was dying the moment he’d arrived at the loft, and more than anything he’d been glad Blair was there with him, that he wasn’t facing the death of his friend alone. But in those final moments, when Incacha grabbed Blair.…

  I didn’t want his life to be changed by that moment. I wanted him to have a choice…

  But the choice of who Blair was and what Incacha’s gift meant to him wasn’t up to Jim. He just wished it hadn’t taken this long for him to realize that. The words he'd spoken to Blair in the hospital after the drowning came back to him, and he faced them with shame: I'm not sure I'm ready to take that trip with you, Chief…

  He knew--now--how deeply those words must have hurt the young man, though Blair had never expressed it. Jim had essentially taken what had just occurred between the two of them at the fountain--between the panther and the wolf--and cast it away as though it were meaningless.

  Parking in front of his building, Jim rushed through the rain to the door. As he rode up in the elevator, he decided he would tell Blair about his discussion with Eli. He knew his partner wouldn’t be happy about it, but it was time for both of them to face what was really going on. Time to take a look at the spiritual possibilities of the sentinel and guide legacy. Jim's heart felt lighter than it had in days as he realized how open he was to the possibilities.

  He unlocked the front door and stepped through. Instantly, the sound of Blair’s pounding heart reached him. It took him only a moment to find his guide, and all thoughts of discussing his visit with Eli--or anything else--fled from him as he took in Blair's huddled form. His friend was sitting on the carpet with his back against the couch, arms wrapped around his knees, his gaze locked forward toward the balcony. Taking only a moment to drop his keys into the basket by the door, not bothering to remove his coat, Jim made his way quickly to Blair.

  Crouching down, he placed a hand against the kid's shoulder. Soft sobs wracked the young man's body and Jim could easily distinguish the tracks of tears on his face, in spite of the darkness in the loft. "Chief," he said softly. "Chief, please…."

  But his only immediate response was a stubborn shaking of Blair's head. Sandburg turned his face away from him. "I didn't expect you home so early," he said at last, his voice sentinel-soft.

  Slowly, Jim shrugged out of his coat and, after laying it on the floor behind him, sat down next to his partner. "I had some good news on the sentencing pleas," he said, deciding for the moment to keep his visit with Eli to himself. "I came home early to tell you."

  A brief nod was Blair’s only response. If he had any interest in the sentencing of the men who had car-jacked him and his three students, he wasn't voicing it.

  “I also
got some good news on the things the men took from you. The SUV is long gone, sold for parts, but your gear, your backpack...one of the men still had them so you’ll be getting that stuff back.”

  “That’s great,” Blair mumbled.

  Jim sighed and let his gaze wander from his friend to the balcony, where the wild rain beat against the windowpanes and streamed down the glass. A gust of wind pounded against the side of the building, forcing another sheet of heavy rain up against the windows. Beside him, Blair shivered…and sudden understanding washed through Jim.

  It’s the rain. He’s thinking about those days and nights he spent on that mountain, alone and dying.