PTSD. He’d told me he suffered from PTSD and that he didn’t sleep much. I could easily see that now after reading his file. It was a wonder he was even sane at all.
He cleared his throat. “No. You’re not bothering me.”
I stared up into his face, letting my gaze travel down to the soft masculine lips that had felt so wonderful against mine. Though earlier I’d come to the conclusion that I needed to put my attraction to him aside while I followed this story, now I was willing to admit I couldn’t do that. I wanted him to kiss me again. I wanted to get lost in his touch, in his kisses. In him.
Color crept up his neck and into his face. “Shannon.” It was a warning, though I wasn’t sure what he was warning me away from. Him?
I pulled my gaze back to his and stared, fascinated, as the natural eye slowly darkened, the blue once again gradually overtaking the green. Like a wave washing over a rock, splashing it with wetness and color, devouring it.
“You…have beautiful eyes.” Without thinking, I lifted a hand to cup his cheek.
He stilled, his natural eye darkening even more, until it was a swirl of blue-black, with no hint of the green. Feeling emboldened by the heat flaring in his eye, by the fact that he was obviously affected by my closeness, by my touch, I shifted against him, rising up to slowly, gently brush my lips against his.
His breath hitched. His hands closed around my arms. His eyelids drifted shut.
And then he kissed me back, pulling me over on top of him. I went willingly, eagerly, shifting closer. Someone moaned, but I don’t know if it was him or me.
He deepened the kiss, his mouth becoming more urgent against mine, while his hands moved down my back, gently stroking, slowly exploring. His touch was gentle, almost hesitant, as if he feared he might hurt me.
I cupped his jaw in my hands, loving the feel of his stubble beneath my fingers, and kissed him deeper, my tongue sweeping in to dance with his. His hands landed on my ass, gently squeezing, pressing me against the bulging erection in his jeans. Heat coiled in my loins, wetness pooling between my thighs.
His arousal empowered me, made me feel desirable. It was a heady feeling, being wanted. Being desired.
I tore my mouth from his, leaning back and gazing into his face. I wanted him to make love to me, to help me forget what those thugs had tried to do to me. The way I felt when Noah touched me was so amazing it was unlike anything I’d ever felt before.
He watched me, his eyes hooded, as I slowly removed the pajama top and tossed it aside. Cool air washed over my breasts, making my nipples pucker. But it wasn’t the cold that aroused me. It was the heat of his gaze. He sucked in a breath, his nostrils flaring.
He jerked his gaze back to mine. “Shannon?” he breathed out, his voice husky with desire, but filled with question.
“I want you, Noah. It’s okay. You can touch me.” Please, touch me.
He closed his eyes and sighed. Then he sat up straight, pushing me away from him. Swinging his legs over the side of the bed, he put his face in his hands.
Hurt crashed over me. He didn’t want me? Nothing like a brutal rejection to make a girl feel good about herself.
Humiliated, I started to slide off the bed, to get away from him so I could hide in shame. But his hand snaked out, snagging my wrist, halting me. “Wait.” He lifted his head and met my gaze. “I don’t want you to think I don’t want you, because I do. But not like this, Shannon. This is all wrong. You’ve just been traumatized and you’re seeking comfort. I can’t take advantage of you in your vulnerable state.”
I yanked my arm from his grasp. “Maybe I want you to take advantage of me in my vulnerable state. Maybe I want you to help me forget.”
He swore softly, rubbing a hand over his face. “That’s why I’m not going to do this with you. Because I could be any man, and you would still want me.”
I reared back, stunned. “You’re wrong. You think I’m promiscuous? That I would sleep with just any man to help me forget? Fuck you!”
“Shannon…”
“No!” I shook a finger at him. “Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve been with a man?” I let out a bitter laugh. Was I really telling him this? Apparently so. I needed to get it out of my system. “Over a year, believe it or not. Every time I get involved with a man, I have to wonder if he’s really interested in me, or if he’s just using me because of my connection to my father. But they’re all users. Every last one of them. Except for you. I don’t have to wonder if you’re using me to get to my father, because you already killed my father! I shouldn’t be attracted to you. I should hate you for that. But I can’t hate you.” I let out a sob. “Because I realize now that you’re telling the truth about my father, that he wasn’t a good man. You shoved the truth in my face with your blunt words and those files on the recruits. On you. You made yourself vulnerable in an attempt to make me see the truth.” I drew in a shaky breath. “That takes guts. You have more courage than I do. And then you had to go and save me.” I hitched in a breath. “Why did you do that? Why? Why put yourself at risk for me? Why waste your money on the woman whose father did horrible things to you, whose father tried to kill you? I might have been able to convince myself I hated you if you’d been mean, if you’d hurt me in some way. But no, you had to be all heroic and save me. You had to be decent! Damn you. I don’t want any other man, Noah. I just want you.”
Silence stretched. My chest heaved in and out with my harsh breaths. I became acutely aware that my torso was still naked, my breasts still bare.
Noah stared at me, while I stared back, my heart racing, my emotions all over the place. I couldn’t decide if I wanted to sob, or laugh, or scream. Whether to run from the room or stand my ground and face my embarrassment.
Then he grabbed my pajama top from off the bed and held it out to me.
A new wave of humiliation washed over me. I snatched the shirt from his grasp and held it in front of me, covering my breasts. I wasn’t prone to emotional outbursts, but that had just been a doozy of one. My mother had taught me from an early age that a lady never loses her composure. A lady always keeps her cool, never raises her voice, and never cries in front of others. My mother was the queen of control, rarely showing emotions. As the senator’s daughter, I was expected to be composed at all times. Someone was always watching us, my mother had said. Someone was always looking for something to gossip about. So we never lost our composure. We never gave them anything to gossip about. All those years of keeping everything bottled up inside must have made me snap just now. I wasn’t proud of my outburst. In fact, I was so embarrassed I wanted to hide. But I couldn’t take back those words, no matter how humiliating they were.
It’s okay to cry, to get emotional, but do it when you’re alone, not in front of others. It makes them uncomfortable.
From the look on Noah’s face, that was true.
“Like I said, I refuse to take advantage of you.” He rose from the bed. “You’ll feel better after you get some rest.”
Then he walked out.
What? He was just going to blow off my confession? Pretend I hadn’t admitted he was the only man I wanted? Didn’t he know how phenomenal it was when we touched? Didn’t he feel it too?
I thundered after him, yanking the pajama top back on. He paused halfway down the stairs, turning to glance up at me.
“You hate me, don’t you?” I whispered. “Did you originally plan to torture me, abuse me in some way to get revenge? Then you had a sudden change of heart?”
He huffed out a breath and shook his head. “I never had any intention of torturing you. And I don’t hate you. You’re a beautiful, desirable woman, and I won’t deny I want you. But you’re not thinking clearly right now. You’ve been traumatized. You’re looking for a way to deal with the trauma right now. I don’t think you’re experiencing true attraction.”
What? Not true attraction? How dare he try to analyze my feelings!
I barreled down the stairs, ready to set him straight.
But I somehow clumsily lost my footing, and the next thing I knew, I was tumbling head first toward him.
His eyes widened in alarm just before I slammed into him, tripping him backward. We tumbled the rest of the way down the stairs together—bump, bump, bump, bump—until we hit the bottom in a painful heap of tangled limbs and rapid heartbeats and gasping breaths.
Noah sat up slowly, his gaze raking over me. “You all right?”
My face hot with embarrassment, I nodded. “Other than my wounded pride, yeah. That wasn’t my most graceful moment.”
Laughter danced in his natural eye. His lips twitched. Then he let out a soft chuckle. “No, I would imagine not. What would the world think if they knew Shannon Collins was such a klutz?”
A chagrined laugh bubbled out of me. “Don’t tell anyone.”
Grinning, Noah rose and held a hand out to me. I placed my hand in his, letting him pull me to my feet. He didn’t release me right away. Instead, he held my hand in his while he looked into my eyes. “Someday,” he murmured, “if what you think you feel for me is genuine attraction, then come to me. But be warned. When I take a woman into my bed, it’s not casual, it’s not a one-time thing. I give as much as I take, so if you’re expecting me to use you like those other men, you’re going to be disappointed. When I take a woman into my bed, I expect her to be with me, and me alone, for as long as we are together. So if that’s not something you can do, then stay out of my bed. I expect exclusivity.”
Was he serious? His words left me momentarily breathless.
When I take a woman into my bed, it’s not casual, it’s not a one-time thing.
I give as much as I take…
I expect her to be with me, and me alone, as long as we are together.
I expect exclusivity.
“I would never use you, Shannon,” he went on softly, “and I sure as hell won’t let you use me. So if you’re looking for a casual fling, then keep me out of it. I don’t do casual.”
Seriously? Should I be insulted? Was he saying he thought I would jump right from his bed into another man’s? None of the men I’d dated in the past had ever told me they wanted exclusivity before.
I don’t do casual. Was he for real? What man said that?
The idea of being in Noah’s bed for any length of time, having a relationship with him, filled me with unexpected longing. I shouldn’t want that with the man who had killed my father. But I did.
He wanted me to know my true feelings first? That was fine with me. Because I already knew my feelings were real. Call me a fool, but I was insanely attracted to him, perhaps even falling for him, even though deep down I feared we could never truly be together. There was too much distrust between us. How could I fall for the man who’d killed my father? And how could he ever love the woman whose father had done such horrible things to him?
Sadness filled my chest. We were doomed even before we started. I should just go home now before I became too attached to him. Except the thought of leaving him hurt so much it made my breath snag in my throat. I didn’t want to leave. It didn’t make sense. How could I have such strong feelings for my father’s killer?
“I don’t do casual either.” I held his gaze. “And I would expect exclusivity from you, too.”
His gaze searched mine. “Good.” He released my hand. “Do you still want me to take you home?”
I should run far and fast from this man. But I knew I wouldn’t. He intrigued me far too much. “I’d like to stay, if that’s okay.” I still had a story to finish. Truths to uncover.
He stepped back. “That’s fine. I’m going to get a few hours’ sleep to recharge my brain so I can get back to hacking. You should get some sleep, as well.”
I couldn’t deny I was exhausted. Maybe he was right. Maybe the trauma and the overwhelming swirl of events over the past few days were just taking their toll on me. Maybe I just needed sleep.
“Okay.”
He walked me back up the stairs to my room, then went down the hallway to his own room at the end.
I snuggled beneath the covers, my exhaustion settling in. When I woke, would I still want him? Would my feelings still be there? And as I discovered more truths, what would happen between us?
Would this story draw us closer together?
Or only push us farther apart?
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Noah
I woke six hours later, revitalized and ready to get back to decrypting those files. After showering and brushing my teeth, I checked in on Shannon, silently peering into her room. She was sleeping soundly, her soft breaths reaching my ears from where I stood in the doorway. Pulling the door closed so I wouldn’t disturb her, I headed down the stairs.
I didn’t know what to do with her. I really should just take her home. But if The Company was after her, then she wouldn’t last long. It would only be a matter of time before they took her out. I couldn’t keep her with me indefinitely. When I left, I couldn’t take Shannon with me. So what the hell did I do with her?
It was early afternoon now, about the time I normally woke. So it was “morning” for me. I made myself a cup of coffee, then headed to the computer and settled behind the desk. I checked my email, noticing several new messages had come in. The first was from the FBI agent whom I’d sent the information on Vasquez’s illegal flesh auction site. Agent Browning thanked me for the info and said he was trying to convince his supervisor to let them go in and do a raid on Vasquez’s compound, with the aid of the military. He asked if I knew the location of the other gangs, so I emailed him the address for the Black Dragons, and the building where the Rapsters kept their guns and drugs stashed. I didn’t know if the Spartans were still in the abandoned warehouse where they held their fights, but I went ahead and sent that address, as well. I had previously given this information to another FBI agent a few months ago, but he apparently hadn’t taken me seriously, because he’d done nothing about it. He must have believed it was a hoax. Agent Browning seemed more determined to help end the gang wars in Augusta. Maybe he would finally take some action and see that the gangs were taken down.
An email from one of my hacker contacts informed me of a new child pornography site that needed to be taken down. I checked it out, verifying its existence, then sent the information to Agent Browning. Hopefully, the man would add it to his list of criminal sites to take down.
A third email came from an unfamiliar address. [email protected]. For some reason, that made the hair on my arms stand on end. Master soldier? Uneasiness crept down my spine. I hesitated, glancing at the subject line.
This means war!
I snorted. I couldn’t ignore a heading like that. My curiosity getting the best of me, I opened the email.
Hey dickhead, you stole my girl. You outbid me at the auction. You ruined everything. She was supposed to be mine! So I hunted you online. You’re a sneaky bastard! You were hard to track down. But I finally got through all your security walls. See, I’m smarter than you, and I’m going to prove it. Be ready for a battle, dreg, because I’m coming to take back what is mine.
I read the email again. And once more. He knew I was a dreg. He must have recognized me at the auction. He must be the guy who’s been bidding against me there at the end. Was he challenging me? Was I supposed to be afraid? Was this the stalker Shannon had mentioned earlier? If so, how long had he been obsessed with her? Who was this prick? An ex-boyfriend? An overzealous fan? An acquaintance?
How had he discovered my email?
You were hard to track down. But I finally got through all your security walls.
Yes, I was a phantom online. Untraceable. I always hid my tracks. There were very few hackers out there who were talented enough to get through all my security measures. He must be another hacker. He must have hacked into Vasquez’s site and discovered my username and email address.
I should just delete the email and pretend I’d never received it. Ignore him.
But I didn’t. He was threatening to c
ome after Shannon, and I couldn’t ignore that.
I contemplated my response, then typed quickly.
You want a battle? Bring it on, motherfucker.
I sent the email.
I was a dreg. I didn’t back down from a challenge. I didn’t run from danger. If this guy wanted a war, he would get one. Whoever he was, I wouldn’t let him hurt Shannon. Which meant I couldn’t take her home yet. She would just have to stay with me a little longer. When she woke, I would question her about anyone who might have seemed suspicious, any overzealous fans. I would use any information she could give me to help take care of the guy. I would lure him out, then take him down. Eliminate the threat.
I sensed that he was taunting me. Playing a game.
I wasn’t a coward. I didn’t flee. Let the bastard come to me. If he could find me.
I went into the kitchen and made another cup of coffee, then resumed my place behind the desk. Mastersoldier101 had not responded to my email yet.
I popped a mint in my mouth. Clearing my mind, I went to work on decrypting the files.
An hour passed.
Two.
Then I finally managed to decrypt another file.
This one was a legal document conveying the property behind the zoo—the facility—to Super Soldiers, LLC.
Bingo.
This was more proof. In writing. This connected the facility to the members of Super Soldiers, LLC, all of whom were the shareholders of The Company. I had yet to find anything in writing about “The Company”. Maybe “The Company” was just a pretend name the members had used to keep the true company name (Super Soldiers, LLC) from being discovered. I now had a link between the facility and Super Soldiers, LLC, but that wasn’t proof that the files on all the recruits were related. It wasn’t proof that those men had done all those despicable things to us. I had to uncover that link somehow. Find more proof. Find true evidence of their vile deeds.
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