Desperate Virgin

by Jacqui Penn

  ‘No! I just want something to wear to the salon on Thursday. It’s no good having a make-over and not having anything to wear with it. That’d be a complete waste of time.’ She returned the top to the stand.

  ‘So, you’re really going to Speed Dating on Thursday night?’ Paul smirked.

  ‘Yes. If I can’t get a man after a make-over I might as well give up.’ She smiled and gave a small chuckle. Thursday would be the night, she was sure of it. A new beginning. A man! She chuckled again.

  ‘I wish you wouldn’t do your giggling thing darling, it makes me nervous.’

  ‘Jealousy will get you nowhere.’

  Paul stared at her for a moment. ‘You’ll be back with me this time next week. They must be a bunch of losers having to go somewhere like that to get a partner.’

  Julie ignored his put down and continued looking at the rails of clothes. ‘We’ll see. How about this?’ she said, picking up a figure hugging dress.

  ‘You’re not quite a size eight, are you?’

  ‘Obviously, I mean in my size.’ Shopping with Paul wasn’t proving to be such a good idea. He was never complimentary at the best of times and lately he’d been even more bitchy than usual.

  On Thursday afternoon, Julie walked out of the beauty parlour feeling like a million dollars, and smiling playfully. She felt sure people looked at her as she mooched around the town for an hour prior to meeting Paul for a drink before she went to the Speed Dating meeting. Did she have the guts to go? A sudden shudder of fear ran down her spine. It had been fine boasting about it, but could she carry it out? What if no one liked her enough to put a tick next to her name? Apparently men and women ticked the names of people they would like to date. If a man and woman ticked each other’s names, the organisers exchanged their phone numbers. Surely someone would like her. Her mouth was dry and she felt sick. What sort of things do people talk about? Each conversation lasted only two minutes, it couldn’t be that difficult to fill the time.

  Paul was already in the pub sat at a table with a beer in front of him and a glass of white wine ready for Julie. She could feel her cheeks glowing as she spotted him and saw him analysing her new look. She hurried over and sat down.

  ‘You have scrubbed up well. How long did that take?’

  ‘I knew you couldn’t be nice.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘You could have said I look great, or anything nice, but oh no, not even once.’

  ‘Ohhh, we are a tadge touchy this afternoon. Best shake that off before the big meet tonight. No one will fancy a grouch.’

  ‘See what I mean? I might not go anyway.’

  ‘You’d better. You’ll knock em dead darling.’

  The last comment brought a smile to her lips. ‘Do you think so?’

  ‘I’m not saying it again. There’s only so much nice I can do in one day.’

  Julie smiled. ‘I can’t believe I’m doing this. Cheers.’ Their glasses chinked.

  At seven-thirty, Julie walked up the stairs at the side of the Barrister’s Arms. Everyone else seemed to know what they were doing. There were definitely more women than men. Not a good start.

  She filled in a form and took her place at a small table with two chairs. Her heart raced. She tried to wipe her wet brow as though she was brushing away some hair. She brought her hand down to her upper lip. Calm down, keep your hands in your lap and take deep breaths. She tried to put into practice what Paul had advised when he’d anticipated her nervousness. What she wouldn’t give to be sitting in the pub with him right now.

  As yet she had only cast her eyes briefly over to the men who sat chatting at the far end of the room. Maybe someone would be looking over to weigh up tonight’s cattle market. What if one of them looked directly at her? What if their eyes met across a crowded room and suddenly her heart gave a flutter knowing the instant attraction was reciprocated. She cast her eyes discreetly in the direction of the men. Oh my God! They were separating and walking towards the women sitting at the tables. She didn’t dare look at the one walking towards her. Her breathing became erratic. She needed the loo! Quick look busy! She opened her handbag and rummaged inside. It fell from her lap scattering the contents onto the floor. Blast! She scrambled down under the table and came face to face with an overweight man.

  ‘Matt, pleased to meet you,’ he said as he loosened his striped tie.

  ‘Julie. Sorry. I just dropped...’ She stared at the two tampons amidst pens, tissues and various other items. She scooped the bundle towards herself and shoved it all back in her bag. Not a good start! Her cheeks were burning as she returned to her seat opposite Matt.

  ‘So Julie, what do you do for a living?’

  ‘I teach, primary age six.’

  ‘Have you been here before?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘I’ve only been twice, so still searching.’

  Julie nodded. The conversation didn’t flow. Two minutes went on forever with the wrong person. He was too old, maybe fifty, or was it the grey hair making him look old? His face had too many lines and wrinkles to be much younger. She stared blankly at him. Nothing remotely attracted him to her.

  ‘Nice to have met you. Good luck,’ he said.

  ‘Thanks. Same to you.’ Did he leave her table early? That would be awful. A moment later another man arrived. This was more like it. Tall, dark, handsome and about her own age. Things were improving. He held out his hand.

  ‘Good evening. I’m Steve.’

  ‘Julie, hello.’ She cleared her throat, her mouth was dry, and she couldn’t speak. He sat down.

  ‘Busy here tonight. Tell me about yourself.’

  ‘Teacher. I’m a teacher.’

  ‘Of what?’

  ‘Children.’ What the hell was wrong with her? She had clammed up like an imbecile. Come on, say something at least half intelligent. Steve nodded waiting patiently for a fuller answer which she couldn’t give him. She shouldn’t have come. This was a mistake. ‘I teach children.’ Now she wanted the ground to open up and swallow her. Why did she say that? Pull yourself together Julie! ‘What do you do?’ Yes! A question, hoorah!

  ‘I run a computer repair shop. It keeps me out of trouble.’ He laughed at his own humour. Julie smiled back. Say something! Her mind went blank. Computer repair shop. Say anything!

  ‘I’m useless with computers.’ She wasn’t exactly giving a good impression here. He certainly wouldn’t be ticking the small box next to her name. The bell sounded.

  ‘Bye, Julie.’

  ‘Bye.’ The one who got away. How could she have been so stupid? Now she could think of all the things she should have said. Too late! Must try harder!

  ‘Hi, I’m Jeff. Pleased to meet you.’

  ‘Julie. I’m Julie.’ Why say it twice? Calm down. Deep breaths. ‘Do you come here often?’ What! She didn’t say that?

  ‘No. Third time.’

  ‘First time for me. You haven’t met anyone then?’ Now she was stating the obvious. She felt useless. No wonder she’d never had a boyfriend.

  ‘No, but I’m confident I will. There’s some nice ladies here tonight.’ He looked around the room at the other women. Julie felt as though she was holding him back and wasting his time. What did she care? He wasn’t even good-looking. He was fat and looked boring. She didn’t want to be here.

  An hour later, when safely back at home, she rang Paul. ‘My evening was awful. I couldn’t talk to the ones I liked and the rest were old and ugly and boring. I made myself sound like a complete idiot. I couldn’t speak.’

  ‘What a result. You never have that sort of problem with me.’

  ‘Exactly. I think we need to practice. I knew you’d understand.’

  ‘Practice! Darling, I don’t think I’m the type you should practice anything with.’

  ‘I just need some help. My tampons were all over the floor—’

  ‘Stop! Stop right now. I’m going. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.’

  ‘So will you help me?’


  ‘Darling, you sound a bit beyond help from anyone. Call you tomorrow.’

  Julie sat looking at her phone for a moment. Beyond help. Yes, he was probably right. Love? What did it feel like to love someone? Better still, to be loved. To have someone to come home to who would chat through the day’s events. To laugh together and share the pleasures of life. To make love and to be held tenderly in a man’s embrace. She walked through to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. Her hair looked perfect. Her makeup still looked good. What else could she do? She needed confidence. The glasses had to go! She needed to lose weight. She’d join a club. Paul must help her practice some chat to impress. She stood on the balls of her feet. She would start wearing heels. Tomorrow she would book an optician’s appointment, and go shoe shopping.

  An hour, and a few Bacardi’s later, she went to bed, confident that the following day would be better. She might hear from the dating club with a number or two. She’d charge her phone up before going out in the morning, just in case.

  Two days after the disastrous speed dating experience, they were in Paul’s front room sharing a take-away. ‘So did you tick anyone’s name?’ Paul asked.

  ‘Yes, but I already knew no one would be interested in me. I’m too shy with people I don’t know.’

  ‘Rubbish! You talk to parents all the time.’

  ‘That’s different. I know my area and I’m confident. With men I feel out of my depth.’

  ‘So what exactly did you say?’ He twiddled his noodles around his fork and she could tell he was trying to concentrate on keeping a straight face, as she gave a commentary of the evening.

  ‘The worst one was when I admitted I’d never had a boyfriend. I don’t know why I said it, it was sort of out before I realised.’

  ‘You must have sounded really naff.’

  ‘Thanks. Yes I did.’

  ‘So what do you do in your spare time, Julie?’ Paul had a serious look on his face which resulted in fits of laughter from Julie. ‘Be serious. I’m trying to help. I can’t have people I might be seen out with looking like complete fools. I have my reputation to consider.’

  Julie straightened her face. ‘I go out drinking with my friend Paul.’

  ‘No! Try again.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘That’s hardly an inspiring answer to catch the man of your dreams.’

  ‘Oh right... I walk and swim.’

  ‘Oh, my God, you are so boring. Can’t you make something up like organising a parachute jump for charity?’

  ‘Okay. I’m in the middle of organising a parachute jump for charity.’

  ‘Which charity?’

  ‘Umm. The dogs home.’

  ‘I can’t do this. I was right. You are beyond help. You need to think up a few ideas and write down all the details so you’re familiar with what you’re going to say.’

  ‘It’s lying. I don’t want to lie.’

  ‘You’re never going to lie the way you’re going. Believe me, I know.’ He crossed his legs and looked away showing his intolerance of the situation. It took Julie a moment to understand the innuendo. She stood to take the plates to the kitchen.

  Paul watched as she hobbled in her heels towards the door. ‘Why are you wearing those shoes? You can’t even walk in them. Don’t drop those plates when you fall.’

  ‘I’ll be okay with practice. All the slim attractive women wear heels. They make your legs look longer and anyway...’ Paul put his head in his hands as the plates she’d been carrying crashed to the floor.

  ‘For God’s sake, Julie.’

  ‘I’ll buy you some more. Sorry. Where’s the dustpan and brush?’

  Paul shook his head. Wait till the contact lenses are in place; she won’t be capable of walking or seeing. He’d have to go to her house that week, his nerves couldn’t take much more of this. There’s only so much you can do for a friend. Beyond help had been an understatement. There was no hope at all. He shook his head. This one was definitely going back unopened.

  Chapter 3

  Three months later, a somewhat slimmer Julie, once again tried Speed Dating. This time she felt equipped to find Mr Right. Her contact lenses no longer made her eyes water, she had almost conquered wearing high heels and had practised plenty of chat-up lines to impress. Now all she needed was a man to practice on. She sat at the table and confidently smiled as the first man approached. She stood and held out her hand. Much to her delight, he bent forwards, took her hand, and with his eyes fixated directly on hers, he kissed it.

  ‘Enchanted. You look wonderful. A beautiful woman is such a pleasure to spend time with.’ She was taken aback. Wow! What a charmer. He was tall, with blond hair swept back and resting neatly on his collar. Had it been bleached?

  ‘Pleased to meet you. I’m Julie.’

  ‘Well Julie, the pleasure’s all mine. Simon. I am a lucky man. You must be the most beautiful woman here tonight.’ Julie could feel her cheeks blushing, and she giggled.

  ‘You’re so complimentary. Thank you.’ The trip to the hairdresser had been worth every penny. She felt relaxed, and all too soon the buzzer sounded and Simon disappeared to another table. She would definitely tick his box!

  ‘Hello, I’m Dave. Pleased to meet you.’ He held out his hand for her to shake. He had shoulder length hair and the darkest, saddest eyes she’d ever seen.

  ‘I’m Julie.’ Right, straight in with a question. ‘What sort of music do you like, Dave?’ Dave was somewhat older than herself, maybe around forty, but she felt totally relaxed.

  ‘Anything really. Not too keen on classical and only some jazz, oh and definitely not blues. Far too sad. What about you?’

  ‘Seventies mostly, but like you, I like a variety. Do you work?’ His dark eyes were kind and his thinning hair, curly and wild. He was quite handsome. None of these questions were ones she’d practised with Paul. She felt comfortable tonight. The buzzer went off way too soon and she watched him as he sauntered to the next table. There was something about him she liked. Another box to tick.

  In all, Julie ticked five boxes and was given three phone numbers. She rang Paul and arranged to meet him in a local pub that evening.

  ‘Oh my God! I’m going on a date. Which one should I choose? How do I decide? I feel so excited.’

  ‘Calm yourself. Which one do you fancy seeing first? You have to try them all.’

  ‘All! I can’t try them all! I’m not a tart!’

  ‘Darling, it’s only a date. You go for a drink, somewhere public, and see what happens. Of course you need to try them all.’

  Julie took in this information for a moment. ‘Okay. A date! Can you believe it?’

  ‘No, not really.’

  ‘Be nice!’

  ‘You asked.’ Paul scowled.

  Julie sensed a tadge of jealousy creeping in. ‘Don’t worry. You’ll find someone soon. If I can, so can you.’

  ‘You are so patronising. I don’t care what you do. It’s only a date for God’s sake.’ He uncrossed his legs and crossed them the other way. He smoothed back his hair, looking hurt and then began to lift it up into his usual spikes. ‘I’ll get another drink. Same again?’

  ‘Please.’ She watched as he went to the bar. Always so touchy. Were all gays like that?

  Julie decided to phone Simon first. Maybe she should wait for them to call her? The excitement took over and she reached for her phone. She attempted to make the call three times before eventually dialling the complete number.

  ‘Hi, this is Simon.’

  ‘It’s Ju—’

  ‘I’m not available at the moment. If you’d like to leave your name and number, I’ll get back to you.’

  ‘It’s Julie. Julie from Speed Dating Julie. Em...’ She managed to leave her number before almost feinting with nervousness. She had sounded like a fool. Now she had to play the waiting game until he called back. If he called back! Why couldn’t he have answered? It would have been so much easier. Her phone rang, making her jump.

  ‘
Hello,’ she said.

  ‘Hello gorgeous. It’s Simon.’

  ‘Oh, hello. I only just called you.’ He must already know that! Get a grip girl!

  ‘I know. How about meeting up sometime in the week?’

  ‘Yes, okay. I’d love to.’ Don’t sound so desperate.

  He wanted to see her on Friday. How could she wait five whole days until Friday? She must ring Paul. He wasn’t answering. A date. She sighed. She squeezed her hands together and let out an involuntary mouse like squeak. Where did that come from?

  Julie spent the next few days in an excited whirl. She tried on almost every outfit in her wardrobe. Finally, she chose a dark straight skirt, teamed with a white top with a small, gold coloured, rose motive just above her left breast. It wasn’t too daring, but definitely figure enhancing and her heels set off the look perfectly. Only her hair and make-up left to worry about.

  On Friday, she had trouble containing her elation. For once, her hair fell into place and she took a final look in the full length mirror before going to meet her date. She still hadn’t managed to get through to Paul and accepted he must have been sulking as he did so often. Nothing would spoil her evening. She flicked off the music and went to her car. Stay calm! Other people go on dates every day of the week, but not her!

  As arranged, Simon sat waiting at a corner table in the White Swan. Julie knew the pub, she had often been there with Paul. Simon stood and kissed her cheek.

  ‘You look lovely. What can I get you to drink?’

  Always the charmer. ‘Thanks. A Bacardi and coke please.’

  Simon went to the bar. He wore a black round-necked, long sleeved tee-shirt, with a gold chain around his neck, tight, black trousers and a big buckled belt. Julie looked around. She fiddled with her fingers in her lap and licked her lips. She wasn’t used to wearing lipstick. The taste and texture surprised her, hopefully she hadn’t smudged it.

  ‘Here we go.’ He placed the drinks on the table. ‘Nice pub this. I came here years ago. I don’t know why I haven’t been back before now.’

  ‘We came here for our works Christmas party. The food was great.’