Beating the Workplace Bully
Page 21
the parking brake on. Take your foot off the brake, let yourself feel
excited, and power up your momentum by focusing on how you’ll feel
about yourself and your work life once you’ve achieved your goal.
Answering the following questions can help you focus on the ben-
efits you’ll get once you’ve achieved your goal:
❚ What will change for you at work? For example, will you
enjoy coming to work every day again?
❚ What excites you about this goal?
❚ How might attaining this goal impact your career?
Strategy #3: Make Your Goal Real
Two popular New Year’s resolutions, “I’m going to lose weight” and
“I’m going to exercise more,” often fail. Why? General goals rarely
capture enough mental energy to power you all the way through to
the finish line, given the occasional tackle or takedown. While goals
such as preventing bullies from gaining an outpost in your mind or
standing up to an angry, aggressive jerk’s caustic comments may ini-
tially excite and inspire you, you won’t always achieve lasting change
unless you frame your goal more concretely.
You can do this by making your goals vivid, by setting time
frames and targeted outcomes. A specific deadline gives your goal
added punch. You may even decide the time is now and write your
goal in “from this day forward” terms. An action verb or a target
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184 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
outcome such as “I’ll lose six pounds by September 30” makes your
goal definitive.
Here are two workplace bully examples:
1. From this day forward, I’ll respond assertively to snarky
attacks.
2. By September 15, I will have met with the chief operations
officer and provided objective information concerning
the ways in which my immediate supervisor bullies my
coworker and me. By September 25, I’ll have made a
mental decision about what I’ll do if my concerns are not
addressed or the situation worsens.
Write/enter your goal with a time frame and a clear, targeted
outcome.
Strategy #4: Visualize Your Goal
You can make your goal even more inspiring by creating an intense
visual picture of what your goal means. Imagine the future, one in
which you’ve achieved your goal. Allow yourself to fully feel the
emotions you’ll experience and to vividly picture how you’ll look
and act.
As a reminder, write/enter a few phrases that describe what you
pictured in your mind.
Because keeping your goal in mind creates regular inspiration,
you may want to mentally picture your goal each morning as you
awaken and, again, just before you head to work.
Strategy #5: Make Sure Your Goal Is Realistic
Do you believe you can achieve your goal? If you are unsure during
the goal-setting process, you weaken your chances of success. Occa-
sionally, we trip ourselves up by formulating inspirational yet “out
of reach” goals. If you’ve done this, redraft your goal in more attain-
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Nine Essential Strategies for Creating Your Game Plan ❚ 185
able terms. Just as an overweight person might redraft “I will lose
one hundred pounds this year” into a more realistic “I will lose nine
pounds in the next three months,” you might write “I will respond
to snarky comments with statements like ‘Pardon me?’ or ‘What is
your point?’” rather than “I’ll think quickly on my feet and be able
to turn the tables on a bully’s nasty comments with a humorous
comeback.”
By setting a realistic goal to which you can fully commit, you
increase your chances of attaining your initial goal. Once you’ve
attained your first goal, you can set an even more challenging one.
So, do you want to downsize your goal to a more realistic one?
Or, can you commit 100 percent to your initial goal? If so, you’re on
your way.
Strategy #6: Design Your Strategies
Now that you’ve established your goal, what strategies might you use
to achieve it?
For example, Adam might write, “I will sit down with Geoff
within forty-eight hours and give him a list of my expectations for his
future behavior.” Or, “If Geoff targets me with a snarky comment in front of another employee, I’ll say ‘Geoff, let’s take this offline. Meet
with me after today’s meeting.’”
When you’re writing strategies, allow yourself to list them freely,
without any self-censorship. Then, return to your list and pick those
you’ll try.
Please take two minutes and make your list.
Strategy #7: Design Your Game Plan
Designing a game plan cements your likelihood of success. Well-for-
mulated game plans chart when you’ll start each strategy and the
resources you’ll need to implement each one. Because you can’t always
start every strategy immediately, establishing dates helps you keep on
track toward meeting your goal.
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186 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
Resources vary widely. One of my clients took up the Korean
martial art of tae kwon do to develop her self-confidence. Another
client used me as a resource: He made me his sounding board as he
formulated how he’d present his situation to upper management.
Strategy #8: Set Mileposts and Establish a Follow-up Method
Setting mileposts helps you stay on top of your progress. A milepost
defines exactly what you hope to happen by specific intermediary
dates as you head toward goal attainment.
Specific mileposts also remind you that you’re making progress
even if you experience minor setbacks. For example, someone who
hopes to lose twenty-one pounds may set a milepost for losing four
pounds a month. Then, even if she hits a plateau or regains a pound
or two during a week, she can see that by the end of each month she
has consistently lost four pounds. If you establish a goal relating to
self-confidence, you may become disheartened if you backed down
from a challenge. By setting mileposts, you can remind yourself of the
progress you’re making.
You’ll also want to establish a method for keeping your goal “front
and center” in your mind. One of my clients placed his game plan on
his home computer in the “quick launch at start-up” and saw it each
time he powered on his computer. Another printed her game plan and
posted it next to her bedroom mirror.
Following is a model game plan worksheet. In the sample that fol-
lows, I’ve entered possible strategies, start times, resources, and mile-
posts for the hypothetical goal of responding to snarky comments. I
recommend that you create one just like it on paper or on your com-
puter to set a weekly milepost for what you want to see achieved for
each strategy you plan to use to achieve your goal or goals.
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Nine Essential Strategies for Creating
Your Game Plan ❚ 187
MY GAME PLAN
Goal: ____________________________________________
STRATEGIES
WHEN I’LL
RESOURCES
MILEPOST
START
NEEDED
SAMPLE GAME PLAN
Goal: Respond assertively to snarky statements.
STRATEGIES
WHEN I’LL
RESOURCES
MILEPOST
START
NEEDED
Develop and practice
Tonight
My brain and
I’ll have a list of
a list of professional
an hour tonight
five to ten state-
yet “stop the put-
and practice
ments by the
down” statements
sessions in two
weekend
nights
Learn to breathe so I
Right now
Twelve minutes
Does it work
can think straight if I’m
to practice
tomorrow at
caught off-guard
breathing
work when I’m
tonight and
confronted?
a way to cue
Does it work
myself that I
the next time
need to breathe
I’m in a staff
meeting and
confronted?
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188 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
Strategy #9: Start Now
Your final strategy: Do something right now that gets you working toward one of your goals. Develop a plan; make notes on your desk or
computer calendar about the action steps you’ll accomplish on certain
days. Or just simply . . . start.
Congratulations. You’re on your way.
Your Turn: Where Are You Now?
1. If you’ve set a goal, reflect on how it felt to create one. If you
haven’t yet established a goal, what stands in your way?
Imagine I’m sitting in front of you and asking you what you
want to change. What did you answer? Whatever your first
thought was, that’s your goal.
2. If you haven’t yet done so, fill out your game plan
worksheet.
3. What’s the most helpful idea or strategy you gained from
working through these goal-setting and game-planning
exercises?
4. How do you feel about the time frames and mileposts
you’ve created in your game plan?
5. What might stop you from carrying out your game plan? Are
there any barriers or obstacles that might get in your way?
How do you plan to tackle each of them?
6. When you set goals in the past, perhaps a New Year’s resolu-
tion, was there something that led you to give up or decide
to retreat into your comfort zone? What was it? How will you
recognize it next time and how will you handle it differently?
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23
THE RIGHT WAY TO ASK
MANAGERS AND OTHERS
FOR WHAT YOU NEED
Valor grows by daring, fear by holding back.
—PUBLILIUS SYRUS
WHEN TOM’S BOSS ASKED him why he’d omitted Caren’s part
of the team report, he’d replied, “I wasn’t able to get it from
her.” To his shock and dismay, his boss told him Caren had already given
her a draft and scolded, “Next time, ask her for her ideas.”
Tom opened his mouth, and then shut it, not knowing what to say.
Caren, a shape-shifter, had thrown him under the bus—and she wasn’t
even in the room. He remembered Caren’s response when he asked her
for it. First she said, “I didn’t know I was supposed to write anything,” and when pressed by him, she matter-of-factly said, “I don’t have time,” and
turned away from him.
Tom wanted to ask his boss for her help in handling Caren, but knew
his boss considered her a model employee and would blame him for
the fractured coworker relationship. Like other shape-shifter employees,
Caren knew how to kiss up and kick down lateral y.
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190 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
FOUR FACTORS TO FOCUS ON WHEN ENLISTING SUPPORT
Do you need to convince a senior manager to rein in a workplace
bully? Do you want to gain a coworker’s support in facing off against a
bully or in presenting a case to a senior manager? Before you approach
anyone—boss or coworker—for help, consider these four key factors
and the part they’ll play in gaining agreement.
1. Tap the Emotional Component to Buy-in
Think of a purchase you’ve made in the last several years that was
more expensive than you’d planned. Write or mentally list the reasons
why you almost didn’t buy it. Was it the cost, doubts about whether
you needed it, concern that it might not do what the salesperson said
it would do, or . . . ?
Next, write or think about the reasons that propelled you to buy it.
Was it simply that you wanted it, felt you deserved it, knew you’d love
how it made you feel, or . . . ?
Now, review the two lists. If you’re like most people, the reasons
you made the purchase are more emotional than logical, and the
reasons you almost didn’t purchase the item are more logical than
emotional. If you want someone to buy what you’re selling or to buy
into what you’re asking, realize that just as emotions rule in making
purchasing decisions so do they in buying into another’s ideas.
To increase the emotional likelihood that someone will agree to
what you ask, you have to understand why people want to do things.
First, people do things for those they like and trust. They listen
to those they can relate to, who seem to understand their perspec-
tive, and who they feel present information honestly. If you attack
or blame another person when you’re making a request for support,
you’re likely to turn the person off.
Second, those you ask for something want to feel their own needs
will be met. We all listen to the same radio station, WIFM or “what’s
in it for me?” Before you ask anyone for assistance, think about who
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The Right Way to Ask Managers and Others for What You Need ❚ 191
they are and what they care about. Is it, for example, doing the right
thing, their own or their department’s productivity, protecting them-
selves, maintaining their employees’ morale, or . . . ?
2. Make the Bully—Not You—the Problem
When you lay a problem in another person’s lap, she may see you as
the problem, which can lead her to “shoot the messenger.” If you’re
asking management to rein in a bully and want to be seen as present-
ing, not creating, a problem, demonstrate the ways in which the bully
poses a problem to managers and the organization.
If you can prove the bully is a legal liability to senior managers,
you can motivate them to act. For example, if a bully attacks you
because of your race or sex, as Mike attacked Cynthia, you can get
management’s attention. Unless you wo
rk in a state like California, in
which bullying is illegal, you need to realize that terms like hostile environment may mean one thing to you—this bully makes working here
miserable—but something completely different in a legally, action-
able sense.
Because bullying isn’t illegal in most states, and if your organi-
zation lacks an anti-bullying policy, you’ll need to clearly outline the
other costs the bully creates. Have many employees left because of
the bully? What other risks and liabilities does the organization take
on due to the bully’s treatment of you and others? If you present the
situation correctly to an individual concerned about these risks, you
have a chance to topple the bully from his throne.
When you present this information, present it factually and calmly.
You want your manager to feel that you’re educating, not blaming,
her, and also that you’re not complaining.
3. Provide Effective Documentation
If you want someone to act after you’ve presented a problem, you need
to provide something more substantial than your opinion or anecdotal
information. Documentation is crucial to obtaining buy-in. Effective
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192 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
documentation presents hard facts that lead the person who reads them
to the conclusion you want. If you simply offer your opinion, it rarely
works, as the person may doubt you’ve reached the correct conclusion.
Your documentation should be factual, accurate, and objective,
rather than subjective. Record the specific facts most likely to lead someone else to draw the same conclusions you did. If you need to
present a subjective issue, describe what actually happened, without
including your opinion or conclusions about it.
A call that I received from a manager who wanted to terminate
a sixty-year-old woman, Tish, illustrates how important documenta-
tion is for convincing others. When the manager called me, saying
he wanted to terminate Tish, I asked him why. He said that she was
nasty, had a poor attitude, and made everyone around her miserable.
He knew if he fired her, she’d sue, and he feared a jury would see her
as a sweet, little old lady. Because this woman scared him, he’d never
documented any of her problem behavior.
I went over the case with him and wrote his documentation for
him. As you read it, imagine that you’re a jury member; then decide