by Mindy Carter
I shake my head to get out of my thoughts, the ones I become easily stuck in. I put on my shorts and find an old t-shirt too. I walk over to my closet and pull down the quilt that my grandmother made me when I was little. I hold it close, knowing I always feel comfort wrapped up in it. I get into my bed, and the last thing I remember is my head hitting the pillow.
***
I wake to my phone ringing in my purse. I'm out of sorts and for a minute confused at my surroundings. Suddenly it clicks: my dad. The hospital was supposed to call if something else happened. I jump right up, looking for my phone. I search the foot of the bed and don't see where I left my purse. It must have fallen off the bed while I was sleeping, because when I look down it's lying halfway under my bed. I crouch down to pick it up. The ringing has since stopped and I could kick myself for not putting my phone on the nightstand. I locate it in the side pocket, and am relieved to see the caller wasn't the hospital, but Reese. I collapse on the bed, hugging the phone and waiting for my heartbeat to slow down. I look over at the clock and the time is three o'clock in the afternoon. I didn't think I was going to sleep so long. I need to get back to the hospital to see how my dad is. I decide to grab a quick shower and brush my teeth first.
***
I felt 100 percent better after my shower. Well, almost. I put on a pair of old jeans and an NYU t-shirt. Luckily, my former Chuck collection was in my closet so I slipped on my favorite pair of gray ones.
My dad's car was parked in the garage with a spare set of keys hanging next to our side door. Once inside the car, I'm startled by the sound of my phone ringing. It's Reese calling again. I decide to answer so she doesn't worry; it can't be good for her or the baby. My heart drops, thinking that she and Kaleb are going to be parents. It's the silver lining in this big dark cloud hanging over me.
"Hello," I answer.
"Aimee, thank God you answered." She sounds relieved.
"Sorry. I came home to sleep, and just woke up when you called. I was going to call you back once I was back at the hospital and checked on my dad."
"Oh, that's fine. First, how's your dad?"
"He's out of the woods, I think, just needs a few more days in the hospital and some at-home recovery."
"That's terrific, I'm so happy to hear that. Really, great news," she says nervously.
There's a long pause, and I swear I can hear Reese's heartbeat through the phone.
"I have to tell you something. I know you're worried about your dad, but I don't want you to be surprised."
"Okay, the suspense is killing me. What is it?"
"We tried to stop him, but there was no reasoning with him."
My heart drops, and I'm not sure why I didn't expect this.
"It's Keegan, right?"
"I'm sorry. I threatened him with bodily harm, and taking away godfather rights to our little alien. He just wouldn't listen. He's a mess, like a real mess."
Seriously, he's a mess? How dare he fall apart? I'm the one who had her heart broken, I'm the one who stood by while he lied to me, and I'm the stupid one in all this. I'm seething mad right now. How dare Keegan James attempt to come to me? I know him: He's impulsive and can't be reasoned with.
"When did he leave?" I ask.
"I'm guessing late last night, we were with him at dinner with their parents. This morning he was gone and left Kaleb a note."
I feel like I've swallowed my heart and it's sitting in the pit of my stomach. "What did it say, Reese? What did his note say?" I ask distressed.
"'I'm getting her back.' It said, 'I'm getting her back.'"
How could four words affect me so much? This man is crazy, and I'm so pissed right now. I'm like one of those cartoon characters that have smoke coming out of their ears. I can't believe he would do this knowing how much I'm dealing with at the moment. Keegan James is one selfish prick. He's going to be the one surprised, when for once I don't fall at his feet. I'm not going to be that clueless girl anymore. Aimee Brennan is no longer anyone's doormat.
Chapter Three
By the time I arrived at the hospital, I had calmed down some. I was here for my dad. I would cross the Keegan bridge when I needed to, but for now I was looking forward to being with my dad.
Walking toward my dad's hospital room, I suddenly felt different, like I was having an out-of-body experience. I hate hospitals and I avoid them like the plague. Even passing a hospital incites all the bad memories and pain I associate with them.
When I hear deep laughter, I know exactly what I'm feeling. Walking into the room and sitting in the chair next to his bed is someone I'm not prepared to butt heads with. Keegan James, sitting there like he and my dad are the best of friends. All the anger and hurt suddenly reappears; it's happening all over again. Smiling at me, Keegan stands with a look of excitement. Whatever is left in my stomach is going to come up, which is strange since I can't remember the last time I ate. I just stand there in utter shock at the scene and let Keegan pull me into his arms. I stiffen immediately at his contact. He holds on to me for dear life, like he hasn't seen me for years.
Anger radiates off of me. How selfish can he be? Using my dad to see me, really? That's underhanded even for him. The boy I fell for all those years ago has changed into someone I don't even recognize anymore.
After the painstakingly long hug, Keegan breaks our contact. He's mere inches from my face, and he grabs it with both hands. Immediately, goose bumps appear all over my body. He looks into my eyes with his mesmerizing blue ones, searching for something. He must not have thought this through, because it's apparent he's looking for a reaction, anything for him to play off of. Would I get angry, break down in tears, or fall at his feet? I know what he wants, and I'm not going to let him play this game.
My dad's staring at him, and I know whatever story Keegan spun was not the truth. There is no way my dad would be laughing with the man who broke his little girl's heart.
The word heart reminds me why I'm here. There is no way I'm going to upset my dad a day after his heart attack. Keegan must know that. So I plaster on a big smile. The hands holding me and the body attached to them instantly relax. Too bad for him this is all a lie. What I really want to do is scream at him to get out, but I can't add any stress to my dad's condition. His recovery is the most important thing right now.
Keegan finally speaks out loud. "You look pale, Aimee," he announces.
"I'm fine," I respond in a sweet voice, gritting my teeth.
He must know I'm seething. He can't be this dense.
"When was the last time you ate?" He looks worried.
Why I suddenly feel bad for worrying him is beyond me. It's like my heart can't get with the program. I know it was there when my world was shattered. What a traitor this heart of mine is. I wish I could be heartless, and then what I have to do would be so much easier.
I remove my eyes from his and plaster on a huge smile, one that hurts my face. I walk over to my dad's hospital bed, ignoring Keegan's question. Giving my dad a big hug, I ask, "How are you feeling?"
"Just a little tired."
I'm instantly worried, even though the doctor had said he would feel tired for a while.
"Aimee?" He says my name in a question.
I tilt my head, holding back my true emotion. I'll be strong, because it's my only option.
"Yes, Daddy."
He looks at me with worry in his eyes. "I'll be fine. Just need to rest, but Keegan is right. You're pale, and I'm betting you haven't eaten. Why don't you two get something to eat?"
I in no way want to leave this room. Keegan's looking at me, and it's making me nervous. I wish he weren't here.
"I just got here," I tell him.
"I know, Peanut, but I'm not going anywhere."
Keegan chooses that moment to interrupt. "Aimee, he's right, and we are both a little worried. We'll be back in less than an hour."
I turn my head, shooting daggers with my eyes. He smirks at me, like this situation he's forced me into is amus
ing. I don't want to be alone with him and he knows it. The only person in the room who doesn't is my dad. I can't argue with him in his current condition.
I turn back, smiling at my dad. "Fine, but only because I love you. I'll be back soon." I give him a kiss on the forehead, and without looking at Keegan walk out of the room. I might have to eat with him but I don't have to be pleasant. This whole situation is insane.
Right before I hit the elevator banks, a strong hand grabs my arm, turning me around.
"Aimee, stop for a sec."
"I told you I didn't want you to follow me." I shake out of his hold and continue, since he seems speechless right now. "Cat got your tongue, Keegan? Well, here it is. I want you to leave me the hell alone; I want nothing to do with you."
"You don't mean that."
My face heats up with anger; every word that escapes his lips adds to my fury.
"What is the matter with you? Coming here and using my father to get to me."
He looks at me with a flash of guilt. "I'm sorry that you feel that way, but I was concerned about you and your dad. I can't tell you how relieved I am that he's doing well."
I concentrate on my breathing; in, and out. I exhale, still staring at him. "Well, now that you see everything is all puppy dogs and rainbows, you can leave."
I turn, pressing the elevator button to escape. I will not cry in front of him. I can feel my strength slowly retreating.
"I'm not leaving you; not now, not ever."
I turn my head. "You can't be serious. Don't you have a company to run? Oh, wait; I almost forgot it's not all yours. Your slut of an ex actually is the brains. You thought just because you showed up looking all handsome in your finely pressed white shirt and black slacks that I would forget everything and fall at your feet."
He lets out a loud huff. "I get it, Aimee, I fucked up. I should have told you everything from the beginning. All of it. But you know what, you should never have fallen for Gretchen's shit."
"Keegan, you left me for her," I tell him, because I don't think he understands what exactly he did.
"That's not true Aimee," he argues.
"It is. Eight years ago, you chose her over me. You let her trick you into sleeping with her. She fucked me out of your system. Then you watched her torment me. She constantly dropped hints about how worthless I was, and that I was the dirt on the bottom of her shoe." I'm physically exhausted from our confrontation. When the elevator finally opens, I walk in and press the button for the first floor. Keegan follows silently.
Standing shoulder to shoulder with me and staring straight ahead, he opens his mouth. "I didn't realize you felt this way. I'm so sorry she put you through all of that." His remorseful apology doesn't make what I'm feeling any better.
"Keegan, there is in no way that you couldn't see it. You just ignored it, and I blame myself because I let you treat me exactly like she did, like something on the bottom of your shoe."
I missed him all those years, but I would have been fine missing him forever. He didn't define me. I was comfortable with who I was. Now I'm not sure of anything.
His voice breaks into my thoughts. "There are still some things you don't know, and I'd like to sit down and tell you. That's part of the reason I'm here, but also I was worried about you. I needed to know that you were okay. Someone needs to take care of you too, Aimee. You don't have to do this all alone. I know you don't want anything to do with me right now, and I get it. I just want you to know the whole truth. You deserve that."
The elevator doors open my heart beating wildly, and I exit with Keegan walking beside me. He places his hand on my back and guides me toward the sliding doors leading outside. I don't fight him because I'm going to take what he's offering, no matter how much it scares me. My heart is telling me it needs to know the truth. I'll never be able to move on from the past if I don't hear what he has to say.
He walks us toward the parking garage, where I assume his car is. We approach a black SUV and he pulls out a set of keys and hits the unlock button on the fob. He opens the passenger door, his eyes on mine. I get in silently, pulling my gaze from his. He makes his way to the driver side and starts the car without looking at me. I stare straight ahead as he pulls out of the space, inhaling his musky scent. It somehow comforts me, and I internally laugh at myself. I may be doing the most stupid thing I've ever done by being here with him. I thought he was the crazy one, but in reality I am.
***
Keegan and I are currently sitting in a booth at Flo's diner, another place we used to frequent years ago. He knows I love the BLT sandwiches and orders two. We have been silent, and I can't even find words to make small talk. I'm sure the waitress finds us odd since we haven't said anything to one another. We eat in dead silence. I can feel his eyes on me and I'm doing my best not to look at him, forcing myself to eat even though I have no appetite. I tell myself I'm doing this for my father, but I'm kidding myself because no matter what, I have a pull toward Keegan. Our stupid connection that was forged when we were kids is going to be my downfall, I know it.
I look up at him, which is a mistake. He's staring at me; no, he's staring into me. My heart drops. I catalog every inch of his face; this most likely will be the last time I'm with him. I want to be able to forget about him, but at the same time I don't want to forget. No matter what is happening between us, he'll always be a part of me. One that I won't ever let myself part with.
He clears his throat, and I'm taken out of my thoughts.
"Aimee, I'm sorry about how Gretchen treated you. If I could take it all back I would."
I continue staring at him in disbelief. This can't be what he wanted to confess. If he did, then he should just take me back to the hospital right now.
"Keegan, cut the shit. I don't believe for one second you're sorry for her. You let this all happen. Her treating me like dirt, you appeasing her, and the sad part is I was too blinded by how I felt about you to see what was right in front of me the entire time."
He stares at me. He goes to say something, but no words escape from his mouth. It's a battle between us, one of wills.
"I was just scared, Aimee," he finally says.
"Of what?" I ask. There is fear in his voice and I can't help but be curious at his confession.
"Of it all. If you knew the whole truth, you wouldn't want anything to do with me." He runs his hands through his hair and tugs in frustration. "Aimee, it took me years, goddamn years, to even work up the courage to see you again."
This is a side of Keegan I've never witnessed, a remorseful, less confident one.
"I'm so sick and tired of you using the past as a crutch, Keegan; stop reminding me of it. I asked you for honesty. The one and only thing I asked for was honesty from you. I never thought you would keep things from me. I let you into my heart, my soul. I pictured a life with you."
I don't like where this conversation is headed. We are just going in circles. I stand up, ready to leave. I'll walk back to the hospital if I have to.
"Aimee, please sit down," he pleads.
Like so many times before I listen, and I sit as he releases a breath of relief.
"Everything that Gretchen said is true."
"I figured as much, since you didn't deny it, Keegan. Please, stop telling me what I already know."
He nods, and slowly continues. "I don't remember anything from the night in college when I was with Gretchen. I completely blacked out. I felt like I took advantage of her. She was always there for me when I needed to talk, and never once made me believe that she wanted more than friendship from me."
My heart is beating a mile a minute. I pray for it to slow down and for this all to be a dream.
"I always used protection. I mean, they beat that into our heads in health class. We were in college, they handed those things out like candy, but for the life of me I couldn't remember if I used one, and the next day I didn't find one in the trash or anywhere in my room."
Please don't say it. I can put two and two tog
ether. They couldn't have hidden something like a child from me. He can't be telling me he got her pregnant. Pain is written all over his face. I know what's going to come out of his mouth even before he says it. I feel like he's miles away when the words escape his lips.
"I got her pregnant."
A punch in my stomach would be a million times better than this.
Chapter Four
This would be the moment when I wake up from the dream, but this isn't a dream, this is real. His words play on repeat in my head, over and over. I'm speechless, but I don't take my eyes off him. I couldn't if I wanted to, because I'm waiting for more. This is like when a bomb explodes, and just when you think you're safe another one detonates.
Suddenly my anger dissipates and turns into a ball of hurt. After everything we've been through, all the years, why couldn't he trust me with this? It would have been painful, but I'd have been there for him.
This whole time, there has been no mention of a baby, which worries me. Is there a baby? If so, where? Why isn't he saying anything else? He can't drop this on me, and then stop.
I gather my courage to ask the question. "Keegan, what happened to the baby?"
A single tear falls from his eye. This is difficult for him to talk about. I reach out and place my hand on top of his.
"She lost the baby, and it was all my fault," he says.
There's that other explosion, and I'm bracing myself for the next. The huge one that is one hundred times bigger than all the previous bombs.
"What do you mean, it was all your fault?"
He lets out a long breath. "We hadn't told anyone. Gretchen and I wanted to wait until we got past the first trimester. We were both scared shitless. We were eighteen and she was afraid her parents would make her come home. We were on our way to her parents' house. Everything was going well. Her morning sickness was gone; the baby's heartbeat was strong. The roads were icy and we hit a patch of ice on the highway. My car spun out and we collided with another car. We crashed into the concrete divider."