Poor White Trash

by Jane Carrington

  It made my blood boil.

  I stomped off to the library. A few moments later, Sam slipped into the seat next to me. I sighed heavily. Wanting to be left alone in my misery, I ignored him for a few moments.

  “Can I ask you a question?”

  “What, Sam?”

  “Were you and Jake a thing? I mean, did he dump you or something?”

  “Jake and I are best friends. Well, we were best friends. But now he has other interests and you know the old saying, two’s company, three’s a crowd. I’m just giving him his space,” I said with a huff and a flip of my hand. I opened a book and pretended to read, hoping he would get the hint.

  He didn’t. He insisted on making small talk.

  “Listen, I was thinking about having a Halloween party. A get together, really…nothing spectacular. Scary movies and good food. My mom thought it would be a good idea. She found out I made a few friends and she’s all over it. I didn’t want to this year, under the circumstances, but she had some really great ideas. She’s pretty amazing. Give her a pound of flour and a roll of crepe paper and she can turn it into something amazing.”

  Ugg. Would you shut up already? You think I care that your mother is frigging Martha Stewart?

  “Well, I don’t really do much for Halloween. Old habits are hard to break, you know?”

  “This would be easy enough. Just show up. You don’t even have to dress up.”

  “I just don’t know that I can do the whole big social thing. Crowds freak me out.”

  “This will be hardly a crowd. A couple guys I met in gym class and their girlfriends really. No more than ten people. I just talked to him in the lunchroom and Jake said he’d come.”

  He mentioned it as if it were bait to entice me to come. I could see he wasn’t going to give up.

  I looked at him, trying to hide my irritation. Boy, you didn’t say anything for weeks and now that you’ve started talking, you just won’t shut up, will you?

  “I’ll think about it.”

  He insisted on making conversation and since it was light and meaningless, I guess I didn’t mind after a while. It passed the time.

  ­♥­

  Work that evening was just as terrible as school. Jake and I avoided each other completely and walked home separately. Hank could feel the tension between us and tried several times to get it out of me.

  And despite it being a busy Friday night, my tips stunk, probably due to my less than sunny disposition. I was glad it was the weekend so I didn’t have to deal with anything else until Monday.

  I wasn’t glad the next night, however, when I knew he and Suzie were out somewhere having a grand time, I was sure. It was all I could think about. I didn’t eat and I barked at my mother to feed her own damn children when she came huffing and puffing into my room at seven asking me why I hadn’t made dinner.

  She threw a dishtowel at me and yelled, “You don’t make enough money to talk to me that way, girl!”

  I pondered for a moment just how much I would have to make to be able to tell her what I really thought of her.

  I couldn’t stand to be in my own skin and desperately wished I had somewhere to go or something to do. I thought I would go mad in this tiny room, with nothing buy my thoughts of Jake and Suzie making mad passionate love in the back of some car. I reassured myself that Jake’s father’s truck doesn’t have a backseat and she didn’t have a driver’s license. It helped marginally. That wouldn’t stop them from making out in the back of a movie theater… I slapped my own forehead a few times to jar get the images from my mind.

  I tried to draw, but that didn’t work either. I grabbed a book but after reading the same paragraph five times, gave up and threw it across the room. I put my coat on and decided to go for a walk. Jake had told me never to walk alone at night here, but…well, screw Jake.

  I walked out the door without explanation. I was too angry to cry and too miserable to feel the cold. I walked further than I had ever ventured alone, arguing with myself the whole time and wondering how things had gotten so bad, so fast. It was just a month ago that Jake got back, we dove into our last year of hell together and everything seemed fine.

  For the first time, I considered dropping out of school. I wouldn’t have to deal with anything then, except real life and I was fairly good at that. I could get my GED and still go to the community college. Grades and a diploma didn’t seem to matter much when the next step in your pathetic life plan was a junior college that would take anyone who could scrounge up the tuition. The problem with that plan was, I wasn’t a quitter.

  My pride and my determination spent the next hour in a knock down drag out fight that left me exhausted. It was close to nine when I turned around, got my bearings and figured out where I was. I was almost to the tracks. The line that separated privileged from poverty. Opportunity lay on one side, desperation on the other. I stood in the center, hating the one side, feeling excluded from the other. A fresh wave of anger rolled over me at the injustices of life and another equally powerful welling of determination that a person only stayed in this life if they didn’t try hard enough. I wouldn’t be one of those.

  I found myself across the street from Walgreens. I checked my back pocket, found a small wad of cash and wandered inside, not exactly sure what I was looking for. Scanning the isles, I suddenly wanted to do something that surprised and horrified me. Grabbing a basket, I started throwing things in. Things I had never bought—never thought to buy—before. When I got to the register I was self-conscious as I dumped everything out. As if the clerk would know what I was going through based on my purchases. Flowery body wash, a new loofah, high end conditioner, foundation, eyeliner, eye shadow and lipstick. Plus a handful of other fluffy girly stuff I would otherwise never consider buying.

  “Oh, one second please, I forgot something.” I ran back to the frozen case and grabbed a pint of ice cream. Adding that to the pile, it looked similar to those described in books and magazines where broken hearted women go on a spending spree to pamper themselves.

  I walked home with conflicting feelings of wastefulness and excitement.

  A few hours later I sat on my bed, warm from a hot shower and smelling like wildflowers and rain. I turned on the radio and spread out all the new makeup on my bed. Having no idea what I was doing, I pulled an old magazine out from under my bed and flipped to the ‘make up for every occasion’ section.

  Deciding to dive right in to the dramatic evening look, I hardly recognized my own reflection. I had to laugh at myself, thinking I looked more like a hooker clown than a debutante. I wiped it all off and started over. ‘A day at the office’ style had me looking dowdy and sad. I think I did it wrong. I spent the rest of the evening with my ice cream tucked between my knees playing with my face. Close to 1 am, I found a look I liked. It was called ‘subtle romance’. Elegant but conservative. I felt fairly certain I could step out in public like this. I slid all the makeup in a box and tucked it under my bed, grabbed my book and read until I fell asleep.

  ­♥­

  Monday came too quickly, which is saying a lot for someone who hates to be at home. Sam was waiting for me in the road and my stomach did a little lurch when I saw Jake standing at the bus stop, alone.

  “Wow, you look great,” Sam said with a big goofy smile on his face. “The makeup…that’s new for you.”

  “Yeah, thought I’d try something different.”

  “Well, it works.” I felt self-conscious at the way he continued to stare at me and it distracted me until we were nearly next to Jake at the stop.

  I gave him a casual “Hey.” He nodded back, did a double take and then eyed Sam and I critically.

  I thought he would at least attempt to sit in his usual seat next to me, but he made no effort and sailed past me, finding a seat alone in the back. It confirmed my worst fear. Suzie was in, I was out.

  Just as I thought. How could he just throw away five years of friendship over a stupid blonde! The thought of being so dispos
able to him made me seethe again, terribly close to tears. I gathered up my dignity and tried to pay attention to what Sam was saying. Dropping out was looking better and better.

  Chapter 7

  The week marched along terribly slow. It was the longest I had ever gone without talking to Jake. The conversation we had at the end of the week was by accident and didn’t leave me feeling any better.

  He was leaning against the wall near the gym and I happened to walk by. I felt compelled to stop although I had no idea what to say. Luckily, he spoke first.

  “Haven’t seen you at lunch lately.” He didn’t look well. With dark circles under his eyes, he looked as if he’d just gotten over the flu.

  “Sam and I have been eating in the library.”

  “Ah. Well, there’s no reason why you can’t eat lunch at our table.”

  “It isn’t our table anymore.”

  “Yes, it is, Meg.”

  “I like eating with Sam.” It wasn’t completely a lie; I liked it better than the alternative—eating alone.

  “Yeah, looks like he likes spending time with you too. He took my seat on the bus and everything.”

  I stared at him with a blank face. Mostly I had no idea what to say, but my female radar detected jealously.

  What’s good for the goose, buddy…

  “You look different,” he said, with a quick glance up and down.

  I wasn’t use to his not smiling. He looked concerned and more like a grown up fretting over bills and a traffic ticket. That with my made up face, I thought we could easily be mistaken for two young teachers, instead of students.

  “Yeah, I wanted to try something new.” I never intended on asking, and I really didn’t want to know, but I asked anyway. “Have fun Saturday night?” I couldn’t stop myself.

  “Yeah.”

  “What did you do?”

  I screamed at myself, What the hell are you doing? You really want to know?

  “We went to a movie.”

  “Was it good?”

  He looked everywhere but at me then locked his arms over his chest and took a deep breath. “I work tonight, but I thought maybe you could come over Saturday night so we could talk.”

  “Oh. No plans with the tartlet?”

  “She’s busy with her family.”

  My self-esteem did a nose dive while my defenses hit the roof. “Well, thanks for penciling me in as a backup, but I’ve got plans.”

  “You’re not a backup, Meg,” he sighed with frustration. “What are you doing Saturday night?” He said it as if nothing could be more important than coming to talk to him.

  Quickly, I blurted something out before I fully thought it through. “I’m going out with Sam.”

  “Really.”

  “Really.” Shit. I was going to have to get to Sam and ask him out before Jake could find him. It was a hell of a mess I was working myself into.

  “I thought you didn’t need all that. Dating and stuff.” I shrugged, not having an answer. “Or are you doing it to get back at me for Suzie.”

  The hint of arrogance in his voice and the fact that I thought he could see right through me was infuriating. How dare he flaunt his relationship in my face and then have a problem when I found one of my own. Or…planned to find one of my own.

  “I have to go.” He called after me twice as I turned and did the angry walk right past my class and headed into the bathroom. I stood in the stall with my arms crossed tightly, breathing through my nose and fighting off tears. I wanted to skip the rest of the day and walk home, but I had to get to Sam and make some arrangements for Saturday night. I settled for hiding out in the bathroom for an hour, rehearsing how I was going to bring this up to him.

  It was easier than I thought. On the walk to the bus, he was hinting around about doing something sometime, so when I slipped in a casual, why don’t we do something Saturday night—he was all over it. A little too happy, I thought. But at least I was able to save face. And Sam was nice enough. He seemed to try so hard to distract me from my Jake induced misery and make me laugh.

  It only concerned me that he might really, really like me. And I just wasn’t there yet. I didn’t know if I ever would be. I couldn’t stop thinking about Jake long enough to take a serious inventory of Sam, to see if he was someone I would want to date under normal circumstances. I felt a pang of guilt that I was more using him than interested in him and if I were a good, decent person, I would stop this right here, right now. Spill it all out and let him decide if he still wanted to date me, knowing how messed up I was inside. Knowing I couldn’t concentrate on him long enough to make a fair decision.

  About fifty feet away, Jake and Suzie came into view, strolling hand in hand. My concern for doing the moral and ethical thing flew right out the window as I watched him bend down and give Suzie a hug. Sam followed my distracted eyes and saw them just as Jake was pulling away. I hardly noticed when Sam slipped his hand in mine.

  ­♥­

  “C’mon. We’re gonna miss the bus.”

  For some stupid reason I was nervous all Saturday afternoon and I annoyed myself. I changed five times, which was practically my entire wardrobe, and finally settled for jeans and the white sweater Jake had given me last Christmas. I spent forever on my makeup, going with something in between ‘subtle romance’ and ‘hooker clown’. I thought it looked right for a night out.

  He knocked on the door right at five and I raced to it so Kyle or Kaylie wouldn’t answer it first and let him in. Grabbing my jacket on the way, I squeezed out of the small crack I made and closed the door behind me.

  “All ready?” he asked, smiling.

  “Yeah.” I took a deep breath. “I think so.”

  “You look great.”

  “Thanks.” I blushed at the sincerity and nervousness.

  He led the way back to his place and held the door to his father’s SUV. It was older but as I climbed in I noticed it was very well cared for.

  “So, I thought maybe we’d do the typical dinner and a movie?” He raised his eyebrows in question as he started the engine. “Unless you think that’s too boring and cliché.”

  “No, that sounds fine.”

  We eased onto the freeway, heading into the city. I began to squirm under the silence and looked over at him. Obviously, he didn’t suffer the same unease as he sang quietly along to the song, concentrating on traffic. I sat back and tried to relax.

  A short time later, he pulled off and took the road leading to the mall. A small panic began to build in my chest.

  “Where are we going?”

  “Well, I thought we’d make a quick stop first. I wanted to talk to you before we sat down at a noisy, crowded restaurant.”

  Like the mall wasn’t noisy or crowded on a Saturday night. I hated the mall, but tried to be a gracious date and went along with it.

  We walked around for ten minutes or so, looking in windows and making small talk. I didn’t look up too often for fear I’d see someone from school. I felt like this was their place, not mine. I felt like I was intruding.

  “C’mon. Let me buy you a smoothie.”

  I started to protest and insist on paying for mine, but he was already at the counter, ordering.

  “Tropical okay with you?” He turned to me and asked.

  “Yeah, that’s fine.”

  With large smoothies in hand, he led me over to a table for two along the side of the food court.

  “So, I wanted to talk to you before we start our evening.”

  “About what?” I took a sip. It tasted better than I expected.

  “Well, about what’s going on with you and Jake.”

  “There isn’t anything going on with me and Jake. We aren’t even talking.”

  “And I know that makes you sad.”

  I looked away uncomfortably. “It isn’t quite that…”

  “Look. You told me once before that you guys were best friends and now he’s spending all his time with Susan.”

  “I think s
he prefers to be called Suzie. Or Twinkie.”

  “Well, whatever. The point is, I can tell that his going out with her bothers you.”

  “Yeah. It does. She’s annoying.”

  “Did she annoy you before her and Jake got together?”

  “Yeah,” I lied.

  “Look. Here’s what I’m getting at.” He leaned forward to close the gap between us and lowered his voice. “Whether you know it or not, you are showing all the signs and symptoms of someone who’s been dumped. Now, you say you were only best friends—”

  “We were,” I interjected. “We never dated or went out or made out or kissed or anything.”

  He opened his mouth to say something then closed it again. I drank my smoothie so quickly it gave me brain-freeze.

  “I’m just going to put this out there and if you want to cancel the date and have me take you home, I will.” I waited with an uncomfortable feeling growing in the pit of my stomach.

  “I was really glad you said you’d go out with me,” he smiled. “This has been a really hard transition for me and I’m grateful I found friends so quickly. But I know that something is going on and either you won’t admit it, or you can’t admit it and you can’t seem to get past Jake dating Suzie. But I think you want to. I know I can’t replace Jake, but—” He paused and took a deep breath. “I can’t say that I won’t try. I mean, I really like you and hate to see you sad and besides…” he sat back, grinned and plucked his shirt. “What’s he got that I ain’t got?” I smiled as he laughed nervously. “I just need to know one thing. Are you going out with me to try to get some kind of revenge?”

  I had to search my soul for an honest answer.

  “No.”

  To save face, maybe. But not revenge.

  “Okay. Are you going out with me because you’re lonely?”

  I squirmed in my seat. To admit loneliness was to admit feelings, which was to admit being human, which was to admit weakness. I looked up at him. He was actually very cute. And brave. To sit here and blurt out how he felt about me, yielding himself to possible rejection, well, that was to be admired. It was the least I could do to give him honesty. Even if it hurt him and me.