Poor White Trash

by Jane Carrington

  “That’s what I’m saying, I didn’t want you to get used to Suzie and I didn’t want things to go back to the way things were. For me, that was impossible. I wanted you to fight for—” he trailed off, shaking his head. “Me and Suzie had broken up and made up at least five times,” he said with a tired sigh.

  I fought the jealousy rising up, feeling I had no right to it anymore.

  “Why did you break up so many times?” Jealous I couldn’t be, but curious, I could.

  “Because we both knew it wasn’t right. We just didn’t want to be alone.”

  “I think it was more than that. For her anyway. She was smitten.”

  “She was a distraction, Meg. When we both realized that, it got rough and then finally fell apart. We broke up for good shortly before Thanksgiving. That night you came over to use the phone. I wasn’t home because I was breaking up with her.”

  It hit me how long it had been since we’d talked and been any part of each other’s lives and sadness washed over me. “Well, I’m sorry if I had anything to do with that.” I knew I hadn’t exactly made their relationship easy.

  “You had everything to do with that. But it’s not your fault. I thought you were finally coming to me to tell me about your predicament. I was pretty angry at myself at missing an opportunity to talk to you.”

  “But you didn’t come over,” I thought.

  There was a tight silence. I looked out the window to see the wind had died down and a heavy snow fell, blanketing the world in a thick layer of white.

  I started shivering again, despite the fire and folded my arms.

  “Hang on, I’ll get you something.”

  He came back with the military arctic coat. He tossed it around my shoulders and pulled it closed under my chin. I swam in it and the fur of the hood tickled my cheek.

  “I thought your father was in the Gulf War. It can’t be that cold there.”

  “He did some other stuff, too.” His glance down the hall and his tone told me he didn’t want to go into further detail.

  “How was your Christmas?” I asked. He rose to add more fire to the wood stove with a subtle frown.

  “It was alright. Pretty low key. Yours?”

  I shrugged. “Kyle and Kaylie got some nice stuff. A lot of it went back to the store the day after, you know, but they got to keep some toys.”

  He sat back down in front of me, closer this time. “What about you? Get anything nice?”

  “Nothing special.”

  “I got you something, but I never brought it over. I don’t know why I couldn’t, I just…”

  “That’s okay.”

  “No, I should have. I set out to several times, but stopped at the door.”

  I couldn’t help but smile. How many times had I done that? I wondered.

  He uncrossed his legs and stood. “I still have it. If you want it.”

  I didn’t feel like I deserved anything, but I nodded seeing the first hint of happiness on his face. He looked like the old Jake. He disappeared and rummaged loudly in his room, no doubt knocking over everything in the dark.

  It was large, flat and wrapped in shiny red paper. That much I could see by the firelight.

  “What is it?” I asked, grinning.

  “You have to open it, silly.”

  I did, slowly. I was self-conscious of his eyes on me.

  It was a wooden table top easel. Exactly the one I’d had my eye on. I wasn’t going to let myself buy it until I had the first semester of tuition saved.

  “How did you know?” I breathed.

  “Well, I figured that you didn’t have room for a free standing one. I thought this smaller one would fit on your desk and it would be easier to hide. You’re still drawing, right?

  I nodded, staring at the present.

  “Do you like it?” His voice was smiling and when I looked up, so was he.

  “I love it. It’s the one I’ve been saving for. Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  “I’m sorry I missed your birthday, and Christmas.”

  He shrugged. “I’m sorry I missed our Christmas Eve walk.”

  I smiled, blinking back tears. “So am I.”

  For the last five years, Jake had come over on Christmas Eve with two mugs of hot cocoa. We would walk around shivering and stepping through snowdrifts, searching the night sky for the Christmas star. It was always the highlight of the season for me.

  “Speaking of that,” he jumped up and checked the water. “Want some cocoa?”

  I smiled. “Sure.” He brought the mugs and tub of cocoa into the living room and mixed it up in front of me.

  “I’m still willing to do a drawing for you, if you want.”

  “I’d like that,” he said, handing me mine. “I’m sorry I acted like I did before. When I told you I didn’t want it. I was an ass.”

  Kaylie stirred and whimpered. I reached over and put my hand on her back and she settled down quickly. I was grateful for the small distraction so I needn’t confirm nor deny the fact that he had, indeed, acted like an ass.

  “I think she smells the cocoa,” I said with a laugh. “I promised them some before the power went out.”

  “We’ll give them some in the morning.”

  “Think the storm will last that long?”

  “I hope so.” He smiled and my heart fell off a cliff again. “So long as it’s snowing and the power stays out, I have you as my captive audience.”

  I laughed. I wasn’t captive by any means. I was more than willing to sit here with Jake by the fire, taking in the eyes I had missed so much. Every moment that passed became more comfortable and I thought there was a good chance that by the time the sun came up, we would have our friendship again.

  After living with nothing, but wanting everything, I was willing to take anything.

  “So I saw you walking to the community center a lot.”

  “Yeah, I’ve been volunteering for an elementary art class four days a week. I really like it. I’m going to apply for a paid position next week.”

  “So, that means you’ll have to quit Hank’s?”

  “Most likely.”

  “Do you like it there? At the center, I mean.”

  “I love it. I think I figured out what I want to go to school for. Either teaching or art therapy.” I smiled. “I saw you at the center, too.”

  “I use the weights there and then get extra jogging in on the way home.”

  “I always thought you used the school’s weight room though.”

  “I did. But I didn’t like the idea of you walking home alone.”

  I thought for a moment, connecting the dots.

  “Wait. Was that you jogging behind me every night?”

  He smiled. “I tried to keep some distance so you didn’t get frightened or find out it was me.”

  “It scared the hell out of me!” I swiped at his thigh. “I even stopped and bought some mace. But then as time went on I figured out I was just walking home during someone’s jogging schedule.”

  “No, that was me.”

  “That was sweet, Jake.”

  He shrugged.

  “So, looks like you’ve made a full time job out of working out.”

  “My dad told me how hard basic training is and I just want to ease the pain if I can,” he said with a laugh. “The better shape I’m in, the less it might hurt.”

  I smiled and looked down, not able to think of him in pain. As if grappling for something to say to keep the conversation going, he blurted out, “I got a letter from my cousin. Haven’t heard from him in years. He offered for me to come to Florida after graduation. Said I could live with him and some of his buddies. They all go to college and share a big house. I thought about it, but…”

  “But what? It’s warm in Florida.” And it’s not the military.

  “Yeah, but, I can’t. I considered it, but, it looks like my only option right now is the army.” He shrugged.

  I didn’t like to think about him
going away. To the army or Florida or anywhere. “Can I have some more cocoa?”

  “Sure.”

  He dumped extra chocolate into the mug of steaming water and stirred slowly.

  “So, we’re past the initial awkwardness of talking again. We’re caught up on what we’ve been doing the last couple months. We’ve established that Sam and Suzie are out of the picture....”

  “Yes, we have.”

  “I guess I’m afraid if I don’t get something off my chest now, I might not ever.”

  “Okay.”

  “I need to explain to you why I acted the way I did.”

  “Jake, I think I know, I was just-”

  “Please.” He held up one hand and passed me the mug of cocoa. “Let me do this before I lose my nerve.”

  “Alright.” I sipped, waiting.

  “It happened over the summer at my grandparents’ house. Hit me like a ton of bricks, too. Suddenly everything made sense and I was dying to get home and tell you. I knew I couldn’t just blurt it out just in case you didn’t feel the same way.”

  “You didn’t think to just ask me?”

  He didn’t answer my question, but continued with his story. “I know you pretty well and I began to worry that it would scare the hell out of you if you thought anything was going to change between us. So I had to be sure that you felt the same way. I didn’t want you to go along with it. Just say, ‘yeah, I feel the same way about you’ for the sake of keeping me as your best friend. I needed you to want it, to need it, too.”

  “You mean wanting you and me to be, we?” I asked.

  He nodded. “Once I realized I was in love with you, being best friends just wasn’t enough anymore. I was just going to bide my time and try to get you to notice, but it wasn’t working. After a while, if I couldn’t have everything, I didn’t want anything. It was selfish, I admit.”

  He rubbed his face over his hand and sighed. “I came back with this plan, you know, of how I was going to go about it. When you came over to show me your artwork that night, I thought that’s what you were going to tell me. That you wanted to be more than friends.”

  “You thought that was the big secret?”

  “Yeah. And when it wasn’t, and I said Suzie wanted to go out with me, I thought for sure that you would put a stop to that before it even started. But you didn’t.”

  “I’m sorry. I hadn’t realized yet, Jake.” I dropped my head and grabbed handfuls of my hair. “I was so stupid.”

  “You weren’t stupid. I was stupid for letting it get so out of control. I should have just grabbed you and kissed you and told you the first day I got back.”

  “But you didn’t do that because you wanted it to come from me. So you’d be sure?”

  “So you’d be sure. I was insane with jealousy when you started hanging out with Sam. I didn’t eat, didn’t sleep, I took off in my dad’s truck a half dozen times not planning on ever coming back. I was so consumed with how to get you to realize that we belonged together that I didn’t even know Suzie was there half the time.”

  “I’m glad.” I smiled. “That you came back all those times, I mean. Not about Suzie.” I giggled. “That sounded bad.”

  “Oh, you’re not glad we broke up?”

  “Yeah. I am.” I grinned. “Very glad.”

  “So, tell me. When did you realize it?”

  “The Halloween party.”

  He grimaced. “And that is just when I gave up. I decided that I’d had it all wrong and just to hell with the whole thing. Kissing Suzie was a last ditch attempt at getting your attention and I hated to do it.”

  “Well, it did get my attention. But why would you hate kissing your girlfriend?”

  “No, I hated hurting you. I was so desperate by that time; I was willing to try anything.”

  “And just walking up and telling me at that point was out of the question?”

  He shrugged. “I was so messed up by then....I was so lost and I blamed myself. If I hadn’t been so stubborn in insisting that you say it first…I don’t know. Things might have been different.”

  “So all those times you asked me to tell you why I didn’t want you dating Suzie, you were trying to get me to say…”

  “You still can’t say it?”

  “It’s not that, it’s just so special to say that I­”

  “Do you at least feel it? Can I at least get that out of you after all the hell we’ve been through?”

  I laughed. “Yes, I do feel it, Jake. I always have.”

  He exhaled and pulled me onto his lap, hugging me tightly.

  “You remember Denny?” I asked quietly, tracing the bones on the back of his hand with my finger.

  “Yeah.”

  “He lost that cat. Just a stupid smelly old cat, but it meant everything to him. He couldn’t go on without it. I felt like that for a while. I almost quit school. I wanted to run away, but I didn’t know anybody to run to. I was miserable.”

  “I was too. And I couldn’t go on pretending.”

  Thinking back of the harried emotional roller coast the last three months had been, I couldn’t help but laugh, and say it again.

  “Geez, Jake, you could have just told me.” I dropped my head and put my hands on my head. “Before any of this got started, before you dated Suzie and I dated Sam. I wish you had.”

  He had explained his reasons why he hadn’t and they were understandable. He answered by hugging me tight and I felt a bittersweet pang in my heart. “I’m going to miss you so much when you leave for basic.”

  “What if I don’t go?” he asked, pulling back to look at me.

  “What do you mean if you don’t go? That’s your plan. That’s your way out. It’s what you have been training so hard for.” I squeezed his bicep admiringly.

  “What if I take my cousin up on his offer to go to Florida.”

  “I thought you said you couldn’t do that.” My heart beat fast. Don’t talk about leaving me. I just got you back!

  “I said I couldn’t do it, but I didn’t say why.” He gathered me close and put his forehead to mine. “I couldn’t go alone. I couldn’t go without you.”

  I sat speechless, staring. His eyes looked like one large orb and he smiled. “Come with me. Let’s just start over somewhere new, go to college and enjoy life for a change.”

  I hesitated, not because I didn’t want to go, but because it was such a sudden, drastic decision to make. “Or, I could just join the army,” he said and let a few inches of space drift between us.

  “No.” I said, pulling him closer.

  “Tell me why you don’t want me to join the army,” he whispered. His breath was warm; his eyes as deep as the ocean. I put my hands on the sides of his head.

  “Because I love you,” I said in helpless admittance.

  “I love you, too,” he smiled. “Come with me, then. Let’s get out of here and start a life together. We’ll leave the day after school is out.”

  I nodded, anxious and excited. He glanced at his watch and smiled. “Happy New Year.”

  Jake had always been a lot of things to me. My best friend and confidant, my solid reassurance that I wasn’t alone in this world, my unconditional supporter and even my protector. And now, as he bent to kiss me; I realized that the only thing I ever needed him to be was simply, mine.

  The End