Off Chance

by Sawyer Bennett

  I watch Flynn as he tends to my feet with a mixture of affection and morbid wonder. He is so caring toward me... always has been, and I wonder if this is because our relationship is new, or if this is the way it will always be. I wonder if I'm a novelty or I'm a potential permanent fixture by his side.

  It's true... we've only been lovers for a few days, but we've had each other's hearts long before then. Flynn speaks to me like no other person ever has. I want to wrap myself up inside of him, but there are moments where I just want to go back to the way we were. It was so safe and I had expectations that he never failed me on.

  But now... this new relationship is odd and I'm having a hard time trusting the feelings that come with it. The intimacy we've shared... the sensual knowledge we have of each other... it overwhelms and confuses me. He's exposed me to feelings I never knew existed between two people. He makes my body want things that it's never even considered before.

  He makes me want more, and yet, I'm afraid the further I taste, the hungrier I will get. I'm afraid I'll become dependent on him, like my body depends on water to survive. And the scariest thing of all--the thing I fret about all too much--is that if this doesn't work out, and I lose him, then I won't survive it.

  Nix and Emily walk in, interrupting my thoughts, and everyone breaks out into applause. Several waiters move into action, popping open champagne and passing it around.

  When everyone has a glass, Mr. Burnham steps to the center of the floor and raises his glass to the couple. "Nix... I couldn't have picked a better man to entrust my little girl to. She's your problem now." Everyone laughs and Nix kisses Emily on the temple. "Emily... you do an old man proud. You've exceeded all of my expectations and you're going to make a wonderful wife and a loving mother. To Emily and Nix."

  Every one salutes with murmured affection and we all take a sip of the bubbly. Emily's mom ushers us all to the dining table and we take our seats to start the wedding feast.

  Reggae music is being piped in from somewhere and we're all on our way to getting drunk. Nix and Emily made their exit a while ago, and all the parents just left, including Danny and Ryan so they could get Amelia nursed and to bed. The only ones left are us single kids.

  Flynn sits next to me, with his arm around my shoulder and his thumb rubbing my skin. Even with the monumental buzz I have going on, his touch manages to inflame me.

  Cillian reaches over and pops another bottle of champagne. We're on our umpteenth one.

  When he fills everyone's glasses, he sits back down and kisses Renner on her neck. "I hope we don't get so drunk I don't know what I'm doing tonight."

  Renner pats his cheek. "You always know what you're doing, baby."

  "TMI," Flynn whispers under his breath but I hear him and giggle.

  Cillian stands up and wobbles slightly before he rights himself. "Another toast to Emily and Nix. That was a helluva wedding."

  We all yell, hear, hear, and knock our drinks back, which really isn't couth to be doing with champagne. I let out a tiny hiccup and Flynn grins at me.

  "I expected nothing less," Linc muses. "It was a helluva proposal."

  "Oh, it sure was," Ever chimes in. "So romantic... I about died."

  The look on Linc's face is adorable as he looks at Ever with undeniable fear over whether he can pull the same thing off tomorrow night. "Yeah, I don't know if I could ever be that eloquent," he grumbles as he stares at his flute.

  "Well, if it helps," Ever says and then takes a small sip of champagne, "I'll say yes no matter what."

  Linc's eyes snap up to Ever's. "You'd say yes?"

  "Well, duh... why wouldn't I say yes? I love you, you big dummy."

  "I just thought..." Linc says but then trails off, eyes still bewildered. I can see the wheels spinning in his head, wondering if he had just made a mountain out of a molehill.

  Ever scoots her chair back. "Here... let's take the pressure off you." She hikes her skirt up, which luckily is long and loose, and still covers everything, and bends down on one knee in front of Linc. She takes his hand in hers.

  Linc looks around at all of us, a near state of panic gripping him. I put the back of my hand to my mouth to hide my laugh and look over at Flynn. He grins back at me.

  "Linc," Ever begins. "I lost you once, but then I got you back. I'm never letting you go again. There's no place you can hide from me, so don't even bother trying. I'm attached to your hip so you might as well get used to me. So in essence... what I'm saying is--let's get hitched. What do you think?"

  With his mouth halfway open in amazement, Linc just stares at Ever. She watches him and when he doesn't say anything, she snaps her fingers in front of his eyes a few times. "Yo... Linc... want to get married?"

  It is the most hilarious proposal I've ever heard of, made even funnier by the look on Linc's face.

  Finally, a smile a mile long breaks out across his face. For someone with a gallon of champagne in him, he moves with amazing dexterity. He lunges out of the chair and picks Ever up around the waist, hoisting her high and spinning around. Her arms go around his neck to hang on.

  She throws her head back and laughs. "Is that a yes?"

  "Fucking yes," he yells out to the night sky.

  We all get out of our chairs and hug the newly engaged couple. Linc gives me a resounding kiss on my mouth, for which Flynn pops him in the back of the head. We all have another glass of champagne and as we make small talk, Flynn leans over and rubs his nose along my ear. "All this romantic shit is making me horny as hell. You about ready to get out of here?"

  I grip his jaw with my hand and push him back a few inches so I can kiss him. When I pull away, I say, "Oh yeah... I'm ready."

  The day after the wedding has been fucking perfect and I don't want to go back tomorrow. I want to stay in this tropical paradise with Rowan forever. We spent the day lounging on the beach with frequent breaks back in the bedroom, where I made love to her over and over again. There wasn't a position we haven't tried yet but my brain is constantly working to figure out something new. I guess we'll have to just re-try all of those positions in new locations.

  Rowan has taken the jump off the ledge and while I still see some uncertainty in her eyes, I'm going to continue to push her forward with me.

  She's the one for me. I know it the way I know that fire is hot and ice is cold. While I wasn't necessarily a fan of her early proclamation that we should just be friends, it turns out that building the solid base of friendship was exactly what makes this so right.

  "So where are we going?" Rowan asks me as I lead her down the lit path to the main resort building.

  "Patience, o little one," I reply and squeeze her hand.

  I lead Rowan off the path, through a small garden, and then we step out onto the beach. The moon is hanging low and throws a strip of white, sparkling reflection onto the water. The small dinner table is set to perfection with glowing candles, and just as Linc said, there's a bamboo tent erected over it draped in some white, frothy shit. I couldn't have dialed God up and asked for a more perfect setting.

  Rowan stops and turns to look at me. "What's this?"

  "Well, turns out Linc and Ever have decided to order in room service and 'discuss' their wedding plans. Plus, Linc wants to officially pop the question with the ring, but he figured a bed close by was a better setting. They offered this up to us and I hated to see it go to waste."

  She releases my hand and walks forward to the tent. "It's beautiful."

  Coming up behind her, I wrap my arms around her waist and lay my chin on her head. We just stare at the setup for a few moments, reveling in the magic of dinner on a secluded beach.

  I release Rowan and pull a chair out for her. She sits down and I help her scoot the chair forward, which isn't easy in the thick, white sand. I take the seat opposite of her and pour us each a glass of white wine that has been uncorked and chilled for us.

  Holding my glass up, I say, "To our last night in paradise."

  She clinks her glass a
gainst mine and we take a sip, smiling at each other.

  Rowan glances out over the water and then back to me. "This is sort of surreal."

  "I know. Linc is a true romantic."

  She laughs... and it's a sound that I need to hear for the rest of my laugh. "I meant this setting... not Linc's romantic prowess for dreaming this up. I mean... look at the moon, and how still the water is. We have candlelight and chilled wine. Who lives like this?"

  "We do. Tonight... we do."

  A waiter appears and offers us a menu. We chat about the wedding, and last night's surprise proposal by Ever. We place our orders... grilled prawns and saffron risotto for Rowan and steamed, Mediterranean sea bass covered in olives, sun-dried tomatoes, and artichokes for me.

  The food is wonderful and by my second glass of wine, I'm feeling more confident in the things I want to say to Rowan tonight.

  After she takes her last bite of food, she wipes her mouth and looks at me. "Thank you, Flynn. For insisting I come. I don't have much in life, and really could never afford to do something like this. I'll treasure the memory of this trip the rest of my life."

  "It was my pleasure. I'm glad you decided to take the plunge."

  My words have more than one meaning. I'm thankful that she loosened up her stubborn pride and didn't resist the offer of the trip. I'm grateful she decided to take our relationship to the next level, because let's face it... Rowan epitomizes my every waking fantasy. I'll never forget the tears she shed at the wedding, because that means her heart has the capacity to understand that apathy and rejection have no place in a loving relationship.

  I hope she understands the strides she's made, and I hope she has more gas in the tank to push forward.

  I'll certainly know after tonight.

  We order one dessert and share it between us. The chocolate mousse is divine, and fuck if it's not sensual at the same time, as I watch the way Rowan licks at the spoon. It reminds me of how she went down on me this evening in the shower as we got ready for dinner. Of how she pulled me in close, with her hands gripping my ass hard, and took every bit of me down her throat.

  After the last plate is cleared and we finish our wine, I say, "Let's take a walk."

  I stand up from the table and help her from her chair. She looks stunning, more so than normal, and I'm not sure if it's the moonlight on her skin, the wine in my belly, or the fact that I've come to the realization that I love her like I've never loved before.

  We stroll down to the water's edge, kicking our shoes off and dipping our toes in the water. I pull her in for a hug and she doesn't hesitate, laying her head on my chest. I know she can feel the way my heart is beating like mad, because I'm getting ready to lay my soul bare to her.

  "Rowan," I say and she leans back slightly to look at me. I reach up and cup her face with my hands. Even though it's dark, the moonlight shines in her eyes and they look like the color of smoke when I lay water on a hot fire, and that seems apropos to me.

  There are so many things I need to tell her. "Marney was the first and only girl I ever loved. And I know that when you're eighteen, you probably really don't even know what true love is... but I've spent the last eight years looking for something that would equal that. I've spent my entire career trying to fill that void... to make up for her loss."

  Her eyes hold on to me but I can't read what she's thinking so I press on. "Then I met you, and my perspective changed. I realized all the things I thought were absolute truth, were nothing more than filters on the lenses through which I was looking. You became sort of a cloth that wiped away the grime of my past. I feel like I see clearly now, and once my eyes were fully opened... all I saw was you. All I want to see is you."

  She doesn't say anything and her expression doesn't change, but she doesn't break eye contact. "I guess what I'm trying to say... what I feel like you need to know before I can take one more breath... is that I love you. I love you more than anything I've ever loved in my life."

  I finish with a deep breath and I let it out, glad to have that revelation out in the open, and hopeful that it will provide a springboard to strengthen this new relationship.

  I wait... hopeful to hear those three words back. Almost expecting it.

  But it doesn't come. Instead, her eyelids lower and she looks down, breaking the connection. I wait, because maybe... just maybe, she's trying to find the right way to tell me that she loves me.

  When she looks back up, her eyes are now filled with sorrow and her lips are drawn down.

  "Flynn," she says and there is apology dripping from my name. "I... I'm not sure what to say."

  My heart drops but I try to take some measure of comfort in the fact that her first words weren't 'but I don't love you'. I hold out hope... that she'll give me hope.

  "Tell me how you feel," I urge her.

  She steps away from me and my arms fall to my side. Turning her back, she walks a few paces from the water's edge. When she turns around, the moonlight reveals genuine affection. "I care for you. You know I do."

  She trails off, looking down to the sand.

  "There's a 'but' in there... right?"

  "But... I'm not sure I know what love is. Because... otherwise, my first thought would have been to immediately tell you that 'I love you, too'. Right? I mean, shouldn't that have been my first instinct?"

  Yes, that's exactly what she would have said if it were true. I realize this with a small level of despair.

  She walks back up to me and wraps her arms around my waist... putting her head back to my chest. My arms wrap around her and I hold her tight.

  Her words are soft and sad. "My first instinct was... the first thing that came to mind... really, words that rang out loud in my head were, 'But what is love?'. I questioned my understanding of love, and I questioned yours. What does that say about me?"

  I'm silent because I know what it says about her. She doesn't trust her feelings. And now I don't trust mine. What if I don't really understand it either? What if I'm so swept up in the amazing sex we've been having, that I've miscalculated what we really have going on?

  But then I realize... no! There is something far more than sex going on here. Rowan has opened up to me the way she's never done before. I've brought the book she gave me for Christmas... her story... and I've read a little each night. She pulled no punches and she showed me the worst of what she's done. Which has made me appreciate all the more of what she's made of herself. The empathy she carries... the passion for her own survival.

  Yes, I love her. That I have no doubt.

  In fact, the only doubt that remains is hers, and I suppose the only two options I have are to back away or push forward.

  Backing away would be contrary to what love is demanding I do, which is to guide her and hope she'll ultimately figure out that what we have is love.

  I pull her face back again from my chest, stroking my thumbs on her cheeks. I lean forward and kiss her forehead.

  "It's okay," I tell her. "Let's just go slowly so you can figure this out. No pressure."

  She stares at me, with her eyes still sad and withdrawn. But she nods her assent. It's all she'll give me right now and I'll have to accept that.

  When we get back to the room, I take her into my arms as soon as I shut the door. I seek her lips and to my relief, she kisses me back, wrapping her arms around me tight. My plan is to undress her slowly, and love her with all the tenderness that I have inside of me.

  Our kiss deepens, her mouth moving hungrily over mine. Rowan reaches her hand down and cups me through my pants, and I grow hard from her touch. Her hands start to work at my belt, almost frantically.

  "I want you, Flynn," she says in between kisses, and the desperate sound to her plea flays me open.

  I know what she's doing. She's pouring every bit of displaced love into sex right now, because that's the only way at this point she's confident to show me how she feels. She's doing this to show me that she does feel something for me.

  It's not what I
'm seeking but I'll have to accept it for now.

  I try to slow her down by removing her hands but she bats them away, unzipping my pants and taking me in her hand. Her touch is a little rough but it doesn't stop me from arching into her with a groan.

  With one hand, Rowan pushes my pants and underwear down, and the other takes up a hard stroke to my dick. She only gives me about three pumps before she drops to her knees and takes me in her mouth, pushing me all the way to the back of her throat.

  Fuck, but if she doesn't slow that shit down, I'm going to come in about five seconds.

  I grab ahold of her head, trying to slow her efforts, and she growls at the restraint. It's not that I don't like some hard and fast fucking but God, I want this to last a little longer.

  "Rowan... baby... slow down."

  She pulls back and I slip out of her mouth with a soft pop.

  "How about I let you reciprocate then?" Her eyes are heated and challenging to me.

  Reaching down, I put my hands under her armpits and lift her from the ground. Turning to the bed, I toss her there and she bounces lightly with a laugh.

  "That's right," she says, her voice husky and rough. "Show me what you can do with that mouth."

  I fall onto her, pushing her dress up around her hips. I don't even bother taking her panties off but just push them roughly to the side. Bringing my mouth down on her, I make love to her with my lips and tongue, causing her to cry out a strangled sound from her throat. It fuels my desire even further and I push my tongue into her roughly, causing her to cry out again.

  "That's it," I praise her as I briefly remove my lips. "Let me hear you."

  Her breath comes out in staccato bursts and her hands are gripping my hair tight. Plunging two fingers into her, I immediately feel her tighten around me and her thighs slam into the sides of my face as she starts to come undone.

  "Flynn," she cries out as the orgasm tears through her.

  I ride out the last of her spasms with my face between her legs. When she's finished, I stand up, swiping her underwear down her legs. She stares up at me, her eyes a little glazed, and I feel triumph rocket through me.