Critical Failures V (Caverns and Creatures Book 5)

by Robert Bevan

  With his left index finger, he traced a circular pattern in his right palm. A funnel cloud of swirling green vapor grew out of his hand, and soon obscured his whole being. When the storm calmed and the vapor cloud dissipated, Murkwort was gone.

  Professor Goosewaddle let out a long sigh. “I really don’t like that guy.”

  Blue light flashed in the windows, accompanied by a sound like someone shoving a fork in a wall socket. Three pulses over the course of two seconds, then darkness and silence resumed.

  Jennifer gawked at the window, her eyes wide and panicked.

  “Son of a bitch!” Paul shouted from outside.

  Jennifer exhaled, then turned her attention back to the employee scheduling whiteboard.

  Chapter 6

  “Please tell me that was your stomach,” said Tim.

  Katherine nodded and rubbed her belly. The sewer walls had amplified the sound so much that it might have been an angry bear. “I’m starving. Do you remember where that Arby’s is?”

  “Sure. Only problem is that I don’t know where we are.” Tim held Tanner’s magical dagger in front of him as far as his little arm could stretch. Since the light from the tindertwig had gone out, the magical glow from the dagger was their only source of light. He supposed that was better than no light at all, but he could probably piss farther than he could see.

  “How can you two think about food?” asked Tanner. “Do you not know what we’re trudging through?”

  “I know all too well,” said Katherine. “I’ve thrown up, like, five times already, and I was completely empty after the second. I’m not saying I want to have a picnic down here. I want to get the fuck out of here, rinse as much shit off of me as I can, and fill my stomach with some crappy fast food.”

  “We’ve been walking forever.” Tim knew he sounded whiny, but he was waist deep in waste, and felt entitled to a little whining. “We should be far enough away from the Piss Bucket by now. Let’s climb out through one of these manholes.”

  Tanner looked up at the manhole he was standing directly under. “And how do you propose we get up there?”

  “I don’t know. We could stand on each others’ shoulders or some shit.”

  Tanner resumed walking. “There’s no point wasting that kind of time until we find a cover that isn’t magically sealed shut.” When faced with the option of continuing ahead and turning right along a perpendicular tunnel, he turned right without hesitation. “The king had all the covers magically sealed after the shenanigans which brought about the current state of your former neighborhood of residence.”

  “Do you know where we’re going?” asked Katherine.

  “Not in the slightest.” Tanner paused briefly under a manhole, then continued walking.

  “You seem to be very confident in your direction.”

  Tim agreed that Tanner was exuding a great deal of confidence for someone who had led them to three dead ends already.

  “I’m merely keeping to the right,” said Tanner. “It’s the simplest method of covering the most ground in the shortest amount of time when lost in a labyrinth, provided you’re not continuously walking in a circle.”

  Katherine looked disgustedly at the wall. “How can you be sure we’re not?”

  “You were kind enough to leave a mark on the wall. If we happen upon a conspicuous smear of rat brains, we’ll know it’s time to try our luck on the left.”

  Tim had been playing 3D shooters all his life. He was no stranger to the ‘stay to the right’ trick. But in this situation, he had what he thought was a better idea. “Wouldn’t it be smarter to just continue in one direction until we got to the edge of town and travel along the perimeter until we found the Collapsed Sewer District? Maybe it’s not wise to surface that close to the Whore’s Head, but at least we know it’s open. We could get out of the sewers, keep our heads low, and make for a different part of town.”

  “That would be a plan worth considering if the sewers weren’t, as I’ve already mentioned, a labyrinth.”

  “I didn’t realize you meant that in the literal sense.”

  Tanner glanced down at Tim curiously before looking ahead into the pitch black darkness again. “How is it that you’ve never heard of Mad King Lidon and his twisted sewers?”

  “We’re not from this world,” said Tim. “As we’ve already mentioned.”

  “Yes, of course. You’re from this other world, where it’s perfectly natural for a halfling and half-elf to be brother and sister.”

  Tim truly didn’t give a thimbleful of fuck whether Tanner believed him or not, but he volunteered further information to keep his own mind occupied with something other than walking barefoot through rat-infested shitwater. “Our bodies changed when we arrived. In our world there are no halflings or half-elves. Everyone is human.”

  “Interesting. Many an ancient king or queen claimed to seek lasting peace through the annihilation of all but their own race. How’s it working out for your world?”

  “Not great. We just hate each other based on religion and skin color.”

  “The ignorant masses are easy to control if you give them an easily identifiable enemy to unite against. In the absence of more substantial differences, it’s not so far-fetched to think a leader could breed hatred based on something as trivial as –” Tanner stopped in his tracks and looked up at a manhole cover which, to Tim’s strained eyes, seemed no different than any of the others they’d passed.

  “What is it?” asked Tim.

  Tanner squatted to Tim’s level and gestured for Katherine to join them. Even Butterbean seemed interested.

  Tanner wiped a finger on his cheek and held it in the glow of the dagger. He grinned as a single teardrop shone in the faint light.

  Tim sighed. The last thing they needed right now was for their most competent adventurer to start cracking up. He took a deep breath and faced Tanner.

  “Listen, man. There’s a lot on the line here. We are in some of the deepest shit we’ve ever been in, both figuratively and literally. We’re all counting on you to keep your shit together until we get out of this goddamn sewer.”

  “What does it look like I’m doing?”

  “Grinning and crying,” said Tim. “And it’s kind of freaking me out.”

  “What are you...” Tanner looked at his finger. “This isn’t mine. It fell from up there.” He pointed up to the manhole.

  Tim was in no mood to get his hopes up just to have the rug pulled out under him. “I guess that makes it a little less weird. But still, why are you so giddy about having some hobo piss on your face?”

  “The seal is broken on this one. That’s our way out!”

  Butterbean growled and bared his teeth.

  Katherine crouched down and hugged him. “Would you prefer a different exit?”

  “He’s not objecting to the exit,” said Tanner. He followed the wolf’s gaze beyond the dim magical glow of the dagger, and seemed to be alternately focusing on multiple targets. “We should go. Katherine, sit on my shoulders. Tim, can you climb up the both of us?”

  “You bet your ass I can. And I’m about to whether you want me to or not.” Tim had a pretty good idea where this sudden sense of urgency was coming from.

  Tanner crouched down to allow Katherine to grab his head and hook her legs over his shoulders. When he stood up again, the hisses and squeaks began. They came from every direction. With echoes bouncing off the slippery walls, it was impossible to tell how many there were.

  “Fuck,” said Tim.

  Butterbean waded in a tight circle around Tim and Tanner, looking outward and snarling.

  “Are you balanced?” asked Tanner.

  “As much as I’m going to be,” Katherine replied. “Come on, Tim. Put the dagger away and get your ass up here.”

  Tim didn’t want to extinguish his only source of light. He thought about holding the dagger between his teeth, pirate style, but he didn’t know if the magic would slice his mouth open like the Joker. He could hold the
hilt in his mouth, but that seemed kind of blowjobby. He might be able to –

  “Let’s hurry this up, shall we?” said Tanner. He grabbed Tim by the arms and picked him up. “You’re heavier than you look.”

  “I’m wearing a bag full of booze and pants full of other people’s shit.”

  With some effort, Tanner lifted Tim up to Katherine, who strained to pull him up further by the wrists. Tim caught hold of Katherine’s shoulder with his foot and helped her help him the rest of the way up. He wobbled at first, fearing a long and painful drop, but managed to steady himself by grabbing hold of one of the two iron handles on the underside of the manhole cover.

  From what he could tell, it opened kind of like a submarine hatch. One side of the cover was attached to hinges, presumably so methheads couldn’t steal it and sell it as scrap metal. The part that the handles were attached to had a little give to it. He was able to jiggle it slightly clockwise and counterclockwise. That probably meant he had to turn it one way or the other to unlock it. With a couple of initial test turns, he found that neither way budged easily. He was going to have to put a little muscle into it, but he didn’t want to risk tightening it further.

  He called down to Tanner, “Do you guys do lefty loosey righty tighty in this world?”

  “I don’t know what that means!” Tanner’s voice sounded strained. “I’d like to remind you that time is a factor here.”

  Tim needed a better grip. He slid the magical dagger into its sheath on his belt, putting himself back in total darkness. That seemed to embolden the rats; they sounded a bit louder and closer now.

  “Tim!” cried Katherine. “Hurry the fuck – AAAHHHH!”

  Katherine’s shoulders were suddenly no longer supporting Tim’s feet. He was hanging by the manhole cover above the squeaks, grunts, growls, and the occasional four-letter word.

  Tim convinced himself that continuing to attempt to open this cover was the most productive use of his efforts, rather than an act of extraordinary cowardice. He jerked his body clockwise, then counterclockwise, neither direction getting him anywhere.

  Then he found some footholds on the edge of the cover, pulled his feet up, and used the leverage to give the cover a proper turn. He turned the cover counterclockwise as hard as he could. It turned easier than he expected it would, and even went as far as to pull him right out of the sewer. A thick steel spring was attached to the hinge which worked similarly to a mousetrap, making the cover go upright when the lock was released.

  “Ha ha!” cried Tim. “It’s open!”

  “A fine lot of good that does us,” said Tanner. He grunted while a rat squealed in agony. “Would it be too much of a bother for you to throw down a rope?”

  “I’m working on it!” Tim pulled off his backpack and opened it up on the dark street. He carefully removed liquor bottles until he was able to reach his coil of rope. He tied one end to the hinge of the manhole cover.

  “Tim!” Katherine shouted.

  Tim looked down into the sewer. Katherine was directly below him, lying on her back with a dire rat on top of her. Her face was barely breaking the surface of the sewage as her efforts were divided between not drowning in shit and keeping the rat from biting her face off.

  Tim tied the other end of the rope around his waist. He pulled out the magical dagger, gripped it firmly by the hilt with both of his tiny hands, blade pointed down, and jumped back into the sewer. “Sneak attack, motherfucker!”

  The rat hissed and disengaged with Katherine, who sat upright as quickly as the spring-loaded manhole cover had, leaving only about a foot and a half of shitwater to break Tim’s fall. He shut his eyes, held his breath, and braced himself for impact.

  Pain surged out from his ass bone, up his spine and down his legs. He lay still for a moment, completely submerged, to allow the initial shock to subside. As the explosion of pain settled down to a dull, throbbing ass ache, he reflected that a sneak attack was probably something that was best left unannounced.

  The next sudden pain was one he was wholly unprepared for. His left foot burned with the sensation of being swallowed whole by a vagina full of acid-covered barbed hooks. His mouth and eyes opened involuntarily, and his lungs filling with liquid sewage took his attention away from his foot being torn to ribbons by a giant rat.

  After a few seconds, the rat stopped tearing his foot off, and someone was holding him up out of the water by his armpits, but he was still blind and choking on shit.

  Through the sound of himself hacking and vomiting the rancid water from his lungs, he heard the conversation taking place around him.

  “Let him go!” What a fucking dickhole.

  “I can’t.” Please don’t leave me down here, Kat.

  “I need you.” Oh, like you two would have such a rosy future after you talked her into leaving her brother to be eaten by shitrats.

  “What about Butterbean?” Wait, what? That’s your fucking negotiation?

  “That’s why I need you.” I don’t quite know what to make of that.

  “Okay, let’s go.” No, Kat, please! How fucking insecure are you? I’m your goddamn brother!

  Tim continued coughing up the shit from his lungs, but when he felt his sister’s hands abandon him for the rope, he was ready to succumb to the shitrats. Perhaps that was the fate he deserved.

  Something grabbed his wrist and he nearly shit his pants. It was a hand. It placed the hilt of a dagger in Tim’s hand.

  “Hang on a little longer,” said Tanner.

  Tim coughed up some more shitwater and tried to stand up and shove the business end of the dagger into Tanner’s black heart. Hang on a little longer? What was that if not just dumping salt in the wound? If he was going to die down here, at least he could take this smug bastard with him.

  Shit. Bad foot. No he couldn’t. Tim fell face first back into the sewage.

  Trying hard not to inhale until he was able to push himself back out, he coughed out some splattery bubbles and pushed his palms down hard against the gritty floor. Once his head surfaced, he resumed hacking normally.

  “Watch out, Tim!” cried Katherine from street level. “There’s one right behind you!”

  So it wasn’t enough to ditch him down here. She was going to watch until the bitter end, like he was some kind of midget gladiator? That almost made it worth surviving for, just to spite them. His foot was still screaming with pain, but he managed to get on his knees and spin around.

  He jabbed with his right hand while using his left to stay balanced. His dagger found nothing but putrid air.

  Several rats hissed. They were near, ready to strike at any moment. His hacking was suddenly interrupted by something tight around his belly, like a python trying to give him the Heimlich maneuver.

  “We’ve got you, Tim,” said Katherine as Tim felt himself leave the water, vomiting booze and stomach acid.

  Once Katherine and Tanner sprawled him out on the street, his stomach and lungs had given up pretty much all they had to give, and he was breathing relatively normally again. He didn’t bother to wipe the shit out of his eyes, because he feared seeing the state of his foot.

  “Pass me a bottle of stonepiss,” said Tanner.

  That sounded like a fine idea to Tim. He started to say so, but discovered that his stomach still had one left in the chamber. He puked up a glob of bile.

  His injured leg, which already felt like it was on fire, suddenly felt like it was being dipped in lava.

  “FUUUUUUUUCK!” cried Tim. That was just what he needed to clear the residual shitwater from his lungs and the turdcakes from his eyes. He saw Tanner pouring stonepiss onto the hamburger meat that used to be his foot. “Jesus Christ! Give me that!” Surprising himself that he had the energy to do so, he sat up and snatched the bottle out of Tanner’s hand.

  “One shouldn’t invoke the New God in anger,” said a soft female voice behind him.

  Careful not to move his leg, Tim stretched his neck and torso to look behind him. A petite young hu
man woman gazed sympathetically at him from beneath a tattered grey shawl.

  “Can you cut me some slack, lady? I’ve been through some shit today.”

  “Your wounds are too deep. If you want to keep your leg, it must be properly cleaned and treated.”

  “I’m sorry,” said Katherine. “But who the hell are you?”

  The small woman bowed her head slightly to Katherine. “My name is Lissa. I am a Sister of Healing.”

  Katherine narrowed her eyes. “Well isn’t that fucking convenient.”

  Tim couldn’t drink fast enough to dull the scorching pain in his foot. He extended his finger toward the woman. “Whatever. I’ll take it.”

  She stared at him confusedly. “I don’t understand. Why are you pointing at me?”

  “I’m in a lot of pain here, lady. If you’ve got a healing spell memorized, just touch my finger and cough up an incantation, will you?”

  “I’m afraid you’ve mistaken me for a cleric. The Sisters of Healing rely on more traditional methods of treatment.”

  “What, like herbs and shit?”

  “Herbs, yes. As for... We should really get you off the street.”

  Tim winced as Tanner scooped him up off the ground, one arm supporting his neck, and the other under his knees. He couldn’t judge the distance they walked, being repeatedly jolted awake with pain and lulled back to sleep with booze.

  Eventually, he woke up good and hard to the all-too-familiar sensation of having his foot gnawed off. This time was different, however, as he couldn’t move his upper body. He opened his eyes.

  On the bright side, his foot wasn’t being gnawed off. Lissa was scrubbing it hard with an old sponge and some noxious-smelling purple liquid. It hurt like a son of a bitch, which likely explained the leather restraints keeping his torso and arms firmly fixed to the bed.

  On the not-as-bright side, Tim could feel a dull throbbing burn in his leg all the way up to his knee. The combination of rat spit and liquid shit had caused an infection, and it was spreading.

  Katherine wiped some sweat off his forehead. “Are you feeling any better?”