Critical Failures V (Caverns and Creatures Book 5)

by Robert Bevan

  “Oh snap!” Katherine smiled at Bingam. “Should I cast a Create Water spell? ‘Cause you just got burned, son.”

  “That will not be necessary,” said the captain. “My nephew could do with some lessons in courage and honor. We shall accompany you in finding your wolf.”

  Katherine made a half-hearted effort not to come off as too smug. “Thank you.”

  “Which way to the kennels?”

  “Fuck if I know.”

  Captain Righteous sighed. “So we’re to wander around aimlessly until we stumble upon them?”

  “I was thinking more like we’d start opening doors and beat some directions out of the first Drow we find.”

  “How very honorable,” said Bingam.

  “Shut up, Bingam!” said Katherine and Captain Righteous.

  Chapter 24

  Randy woke up feeling rested and refreshed. Looking past the fact that they took Randy and Denise prisoner and impregnated Denise with baby scorpion people, Raslan and Azhar were very hospitable hosts. Raslan had even gone so far as to sleep outside so that Randy and Denise would be more comfortable.

  Judging by the light shining through some holes in the worn tent fabric, it was well into morning. Randy yawned and rubbed his eyes. “Denise?”

  “God fuckin’ dammit!” Denise sounded like she was crying. “Son of a – BLAAARRGGGHHHHH!” That was the unmistakable sound of vomit forcefully hitting dirt.

  Randy got up and stepped outside the tent to find Denise on her hands and knees a few feet away, her face hidden by three enormous heads of lettuce.

  Azhar greeted him with a warm smile. “Well well. Look who decided to wake up.”

  “Mornin’,” said Randy. “What’s wrong with Denise?”

  “Nothing to worry about. Her body is going through some adjustment. It’s perfectly natural.”

  Denise spat out some residual vomit. “I got fuckin’ morning sickness! Ain’t nothin’ natural about – BLAAARRGGGHHHHH!”

  “Prepare your belongings,” said Raslan, already taking down the tent. “We’ve wasted too much time as it is.”

  Randy rubbed his eyes. “I’m sorry I slept so long. I didn’t know we was in such a hurry.”

  Raslan removed the center pole, collapsing the whole tent. On the other side of it, a stone statue of a camel lay on the ground where a real camel had stood the night before.

  “We had a visitor in the night.”

  “Was he a sculptor?”

  Raslan snapped his claws, got up in Randy’s face, and narrowed his eyes. “It might well have been me who was turned into stone, and you make jokes? You would do well to consider who will replace the camel once we’ve finished eating his brother before you speak again.”

  Randy hadn’t been making a joke. At least, not intentionally. He was still a little groggy, and unclear as to what was going on, but it sounded like he might be in danger of being eaten again.

  “Stop it, Raslan,” said Azhar. “What’s done is done. There’s no harm in trying to lighten the mood a little. It’s not his fault you tried to fight a basilisk alone. You should have woken me up.”

  “I’m surprised I didn’t. You should have heard the beast scream when I stabbed out one of those damned petrifying eyes.”

  “Did you at least wear your mask?”

  Raslan waved dismissively at her and smiled. “I kept my eyes closed.”

  Azhar was not amused. “You can’t go taking those kinds of risks anymore. Think about our children!”

  “BLAAARRGGGHHHHH!” said Denise, producing a tomato plant with fruit that almost certainly looked better than it tasted.

  Raslan moved in close to his wife and cradled her face with his hands. “I would never let any harm come to you or our children. That’s why I drove it away instead of killing it. Now that you’re awake and no longer with child, we can follow its trail and kill it together.”

  Azhar gave him a pouty look. “Wear your mask this time?”

  “Of course.”

  The two of them packed up their camp with unbelievable efficiency, moving heavier objects with their giant scorpion claws and performing more delicate tasks with their human-like hands. They had everything packed up and ready to go in no time.

  “Climb onto our backs,” demanded Raslan. “The beast moves slowly, but the desert wind is quick to cover tracks.”

  Randy climbed on to Azhar’s back, figuring that Denise was still harboring some ill will toward her, and would be less likely to try to provoke Raslan.

  The plates on her back were hard, but not without a little flexibility, like a cross between plastic and steel. Sharp spikes protruded from the sides at regular intervals. Nature had no doubt intended them for defense, but Randy found the largest ones at the front to be a good place to hold onto like motorcycle handlebars.

  Denise climbed sluggishly onto Raslan’s back. She didn’t look like she was up to the task of doing any provoking anyway.

  “This is pretty exciting, ain’t it Denise? A real live basilisk, just like in Harry Potter.”

  “I don’t even want to know how many times you whacked it during them movies,” said Denise.

  Randy stuck out his chin. “I’ll just attribute that comment to the hormonal changes your body is going through right now.”

  The scorpion people moved as fast as horses, their eight legs a black blurring in a cloud of dust.

  “The tracks are getting clearer,” shouted Raslan. “We’ll be upon the beast soon!”

  “There it is!” said Azhar a short time later.

  Randy turned away quickly. Azhar looked back at him and smiled. “You can look. Its gaze isn’t dangerous beyond a distance of thirty feet.”

  That was good to know. Randy peeked over Azhar’s shoulder, and Denise peeked around Raslan’s torso. Something was crawling on the dirt ahead of them, but it certainly didn’t look like the basilisk from Harry Potter. This thing looked like a fat, orange, eight-legged alligator.

  “I thought they was s’posed to look like a big snake.”

  “Perhaps you’re thinking of nagas?” said Raslan.

  Denise giggled. “Once you go black, as the sayin’ goes. Ain’t that right, Randy?”

  Randy shot her a warning glare. At least she seemed to have gotten over the worst of the morning sickness.

  Raslan slowed as they approached to within a hundred feet of the basilisk. “Don’t use your stinger. Stick to the spears.”

  The basilisk had turned to face them. Its mouth was open wide, displaying its hundreds of sharp white teeth. It glared angrily at them with its one remaining eye.

  “Why toy with it?” asked Azhar. “Put the poor beast out of its misery.”

  “I can’t help but wonder if the venom in the camel meat is what made the dwarf ill.”

  Azhar smiled. “You’re being silly. Like I said, it’s perfectly natural for a woman’s body to have difficulty adjusting.”

  “You also said we shouldn’t take any unnecessary risks.” Raslan set down his pack and pulled out a black strip of cloth.

  Azhar nodded. “Very well, but it’s going to take more time.” She pulled an identical black strip of cloth out of her pack, and they both tied the strips around their heads over their eyes.

  “Not as long as you think,” said Raslan. “The human and the dwarf can guide us.”

  “Excellent idea!” Azhar turned to Randy. “Tell me where the beast is in relation to me. And remember to stay more than thirty feet away from it.”

  Azhar and Raslan held up their spears and started walking slowly in opposite directions to flank the basilisk. Randy and Denise followed behind them.

  “Alright,” said Randy. “I’ll keep you between it and me. Just move away from the sound of my voice.”

  “Yeah,” said Denise. “Ditto for me.”

  The basilisk swung its tail back and forth, creating a massive cloud of dust, as the two scorpion people closed in from either side of it.

  “Easy does it,” said Denise. “Y
er gettin’ close.”

  “Steady, steady.” Randy didn’t really know what to say, but he felt he should keep talking.

  The basilisk cowered back slowly, instinctively trying to look at each of them, but it only had an eye on Raslan’s side.

  “Alright!” cried Denise. “Give him a poke!”

  Raslan thrust his spear forward, catching the basilisk in the fatty tissue hanging below its neck. The basilisk made a sound like an Auto-Tuned duck.

  “Hot damn!” Denise was more excited than Randy thought such a minor wound should warrant. “You just took out that scaly sonofabitch’s other eye!”

  Randy took a second to process what he’d just heard. “Wha–”

  “Ha!” said Raslan, pulling off his blindfold. “Now we’ve – NO!”

  The basilisk’s eye shone like the glint of a mirror in the sun. Raslan dropped his spear and tried to shield his eyes, but it was too late.

  The whole petrification process only took about two seconds, starting from his eyes and spreading through his body to the tips of his fingers and claws, the feet of his arachnid legs, and the stinger of his tail. It sounded like cracking ice. His final pose made for a beautiful statue, a masterpiece of terror.

  “What have you done?” cried Azhar, having removed her own blindfold. “Rasla–”

  CRACK

  Whatever bug exoskeletons are normally made of is strong enough for those thin legs to support the weight of their enormous bodies. Stone didn’t seem to hold up as well with the same proportions. The legs all snapped at once, letting the body crash to the ground. The two scorpion claws snapped off at the shoulder on impact. Raslan now looked like a statue of a terrified merman with a pointy tail.

  The basilisk turned its attention to Azhar. She didn’t even try to shield her eyes as she furiously thrust the tip of her spear into the eye that had just killed the father of her children. It howled and jerked its head away, leaving a tendril of eye goop hanging between socket and spear tip.

  “Shit!” said Denise. She waddled quickly around Raslan’s remains, stepping over his shattered stone legs toward his abandoned spear.

  “STOP!” Azhar held her spear up with both hands, ready to throw. Tears streamed down both sides of her face as she glared at Denise. “Why?”

  “The fuck you mean why?” Denise held her hands up, but inched closer to the spear.

  Azhar cocked her spear back like she was about to throw it. “Don’t take another step, dwarf, or by the Dark Gods I’ll kill you where you stand!”

  Denise spread her arms wide. “Take your best shot.” After a moment of Azhar’s hesitation, Denise continued to taunt her. “Come on, you spear-chuckin’ half-bug whore! Why ain’t you chuckin’?” She feigned surprise and stroked her beard. “Oh my... Could it be on account of me havin’ your little cockroach babies inside me?”

  “Denise!” said Randy. He could understand Denise being upset, but using a mother’s unborn children as human shields – or something like that – might have been a new low.

  Azhar lowered her spear. “You’re right. I can’t kill you.” Her frown turned into a wicked grin as she shifted the tip of her spear in Randy’s direction. “But I can kill your friend.”

  “What?” said Randy. “I ain’t had nothin’ to do with –”

  “You think I give a good goddamn about Randy?” Denise laughed and looked at Randy. “Bend over, buddy. She’s ‘bout to give it to you like you ain’t never had it before.”

  Randy couldn’t tell if she was bluffing or not. He didn’t know what she’d have to gain by bluffing, though, as he couldn’t see what Azhar would have to lose by calling the bluff. As far as he knew, the scorpion people had only been keeping him alive as a courtesy to their surrogate mother. Randy was fucked.

  “On second thought,” said Azhar. “I’ll spare the paladin. His healing powers will be useful.”

  “That’s right.” Denise nodded at Randy, as if he had known all along that she wasn’t going to murder him, which Randy didn’t believe for a second. “The world just got a lot more dangerous without your big man to protect you.”

  Azhar smiled at Denise. “I can protect myself just fine. You’ll be the one in need of healing. You are an incubator for my unborn children. As such, I can’t kill you. But I can remove those parts of you unnecessary to the health of my babies. The fingers, the toes, move up to the hands and feet, then the arms and legs. And then we’ll get creative. Your friend will keep you from bleeding out, and the three of us can eat the pieces. When my children are born, they can devour whatever remains.”

  Denise frowned. Her little insurance policy didn’t cover maimings. She dived for the spear.

  Azhar’s eyes were still red and moist with tears, but she couldn’t help but laugh at Denise’s pathetic effort. “So eager to get started, are you? Very well, dwarf. What would you like to lose fir–”

  The blind basilisk reared up on four of its eight legs and wrapped Azhar’s torso in a fierce bear hug, taking her head and right arm into its mouth.

  Azhar’s spear fell out of her hands, but she resisted with fist, scorpion claws, and stinger, punching, pinching, and piercing the beast.

  They seemed pretty evenly matched. Randy stood frozen in indecision, not knowing which side, if either, he should try to assist.

  Denise had no such quandary. “Fuck you, lobster bitch!” she cried as she shoved the tip of her spear up into the less heavily plated underbelly of Azhar’s scorpion body.

  Azhar’s arm and claws went limp. Her tail flailed wildly for a moment, then fell flat against the barren earth.

  “What’d you go and do that for?” asked Randy.

  “Don’t nobody impregnate me with scorpion babies without my consent.”

  “The way I saw it, that was a misunderstanding. She thought she had your consent.”

  “They was gonna eat us, Randy. You ought to be thanking me. I just saved your life again.”

  “You was gonna let Azhar kill me!”

  “Psh,” said Denise. “I was bluffin’.”

  “It didn’t sound like no bluff to me.”

  “That’s the fuckin’ nature of a bluff, dumbass. She’s dead, and we’s alive, so I guess I know what I’m talking about.”

  “Oh we’s alive all right. But how long can we make it out here? You just done killed two people who know how to survive in the desert and had a vested interest in keeping us alive.”

  “So we’re back to square one,” said Denise. “We ain’t no worse off now than when we first arrived.”

  “You’re pregnant, Denise! Do you know how long of a gestation period these things have? What if you go into labor out here. I don’t know nothin’ ‘bout delivering no scorpion people babies.”

  WAAAAARRRGGG

  The exhausted basilisk looked like it had seven feet in the grave. Thin vines with bunches of small yellow berries grew out of the dirt where the envenomed blood of the creature’s many wounds spilled on the ground. It had released its hold of Azhar’s body, which spilled enough blood to grow a nice shrub full of what looked like blue citrus fruits.

  The beast lay on the ground and groaned.

  Denise frowned. “I reckon we should put that big bastard out of its misery.”

  “I seen all the killin’ I want to see today,” said Randy. “It ain’t gonna hurt us if we just leave it be.”

  “You think it’s better to just let it suffer? Look at it, Randy. It’s fuckin’ done for. Puttin’ that thing down is an act of mercy.”

  “There’s other ways to show mercy,” said Randy. He carefully approached the basilisk from behind and placed a hand on its tail. “In Jesus Christ’s name, I heal you.” He felt the healing power flow out of him. The basilisk’s wounds stopped dripping blood as they closed up, but it was still in pretty bad shape. Randy’s healing powers were limited.

  “The fuck you go and do that for?” asked Denise.

  “I was showing mercy, just like you said.”

  “You
wasted your power. What if we need that later on? And what good’s it gonna do this motherfucker? You ain’t grew its eyes back. How’s it gonna hunt? All you done is ensure it’s gonna starve to death.”

  The basilisk curled its tail around Randy and pulled him toward its mouth.

  “Oh shit!” said Randy. “Denise, help!”

  Denise shook her head and pulled the spear out of Azhar’s dead body. “I s’pose it might be able to survive on a diet of bleedin’ heart retards.”

  Randy was staring into the nostrils of the giant beast. It sniffed him, but didn’t bite. Instead it stuck out its reddish orange tongue and licked Randy’s face.

  “Stop making out with the goddamn thing, Randy,” said Denise. “Pull away so I don’t accidentally pin your heads together.”

  Randy stroked the side of the basilisk’s head and gently pushed it away from his own. “Put that spear down. It’s friendly.” The basilisk resumed eating Azhar’s arm.

  Denise lowered the spear. “You’re just puttin’ off the inevitable. How long you think that thing’s gonna last once it runs out of scorpion lady?”

  “Maybe we’ll just take it with us and look after it until we can find a zoo or a wildlife refuge or something.”

  “Jesus Christ, Randy! Are you hearing the shit coming out of your mouth? This ain’t no fuckin’ kitten. It’s a goddamn man-eating eight-legged dinosaur.”

  “Come on, Denise. That’s just a little bit dramatic, don’t you think?”

  “Are you not seeing what I’m seeing?”

  Randy looked down. The basilisk had devoured Azhar’s arm up to the shoulder, and was now going to work on her head.

  “While that’s unpleasant to witness, it’s just nature taking its course. You said it yourself. Basil is a defenseless creature now that they done stabbed out his eyes. You and I are the only ones who stand between his life and death.”

  “Basil? Who the fuck is Basil?”

  Randy smiled. “It’s short for basilisk. I thought that would be a good name for him.”

  Denise shook her head. “You have officially checked the fuck out, my friend. How do you even know it’s male? Did your dick get hard when it licked you or something?”