“I just didn’t think it would be this much worse,” she said, unable to keep her eyes from filling with tears. “I know I never said much, but I wanted babies, Mack. I wanted our babies.”
“Any children we have, whether by a surrogate or through adoption, will be ours. Biological parenting isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, Susie. You lucked out, but me, not so much. Maybe my gene pool isn’t the best to draw on, anyway.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” she retorted. “You’re one of the finest men I know.”
He smiled at that. “You didn’t always speak that kindly of me.”
She waved off the comment. “I didn’t much care for your carousing, but I understood exactly why you did it. With so many women in your life, there was little danger of falling for just one, right?”
He frowned. “You think you’re so smart.”
She allowed herself a faint grin. “When it comes to you, I’m a freaking genius. I’ve had a long time to study you, Mack. I doubt there’s a single thing about you I don’t know or haven’t figured out, even when you’ve done your best to hide it from everyone.”
“Did you know how I felt about you?” he asked.
“That,” she said with a sigh, “I wasn’t so sure about. I wanted to believe the feelings were there. I think what scared me wasn’t that you didn’t love me, but that you might never admit that you did.”
“There was a good chance of that,” he conceded. “Believe me, I fought against the feelings, and your brothers reinforced my belief that staying away from you was the way to go.” He shrugged. “In the end, not loving you was impossible.”
She smiled at the hint of regret in his voice. “Sorry to mess up your big life plan,” she said, nudging him in the side.
He looked around at the bay and the nearby property. “Given any thought to what kind of house you’d like?” he asked.
Despite the fear coursing through her whenever she let herself stop to think about the future, Susie laughed. “Mack, we were engaged for what? Maybe an hour. And we’ve been married for maybe three hours with a diagnosis of ovarian cancer thrown in. I haven’t had a lot of time for daydreaming about a house.”
“No time like the present to start, then,” he said briskly. “I’m thinking two stories with the master bedroom over the living room, so both rooms have views of the water. Maybe there ought to be a view from the kitchen, too.”
Again she chuckled. She couldn’t help herself. “And which one of us do you envision in there cooking?”
He laughed, too. “I’m pretty good with eggs and toaster waffles,” he said. “We can sit at a big table on Sunday mornings, look out at the bay and relax while we read the paper.”
“The Chesapeake Shores paper?” she inquired slyly.
He gave her a wry look. “Subtle, Suze. Very subtle. No, that’ll probably come out at midweek.”
“So you’re still thinking about it?”
“Of course.”
She studied him worriedly. “Mack, is it really something you want to do? It’s not just because I want you to stay here, is it? Because who knows how long—”
“Don’t you dare go there,” he said fiercely. “You’re going to beat this, Susie. Anything else is unacceptable. And I’m going to pull this paper together because the idea appeals to me. It’ll be a challenge.”
“What about the book deal?”
He hesitated. “I’ve been thinking about turning it down.”
She frowned immediately. “Because of me?”
“I just don’t think I should be doing a lot of traveling right now,” he said, avoiding her gaze.
“Because of me,” she said again.
“Okay, yes. The timing’s not good,” he conceded. “It’s no big deal.”
“But it could lead to other books,” she said. “You can’t walk away from it, Mack. I want you to do it. How much traveling will there really be? The deadline’s pretty tight, so it can’t be much.”
“True.”
“Then do it. There will be plenty of people around to make sure I’m doing everything I’m supposed to be doing.”
“But looking out for you is my job now,” he said.
“Believe me, you’ll have plenty of opportunities to hold my head when I’m sick or to make sure I’m eating properly. And you can boss me around to your heart’s content when you’re here.”
He lifted a brow. “You’re honestly telling me I can get away with bossing you around?”
She grinned. “You can certainly try.”
He draped an arm around her shoulder and pulled her close. “We’re going to have a long life together, Susie O’Brien Franklin. I’m counting on that.”
She leaned against him, let herself imagine a real future with this man she’d loved forever. “I’m counting on it,” she whispered. “I’m really counting on it.”
In fact, during all of the likely dark days ahead, she was going to hang on to that with every fiber of her being.
11
Under the circumstances, Mack had no idea what to do about a honeymoon. Obviously they couldn’t take an extended vacation right now. Susie needed to deal with her surgery and treatment as quickly as possible, to say nothing of his own financial constraints. Still, he would have blown his budget to smithereens if it would have made her happy.
After they left the beach, he’d driven to her place so she could shower and change into something warm and dry. He was worried sick about the lack of color in her cheeks and the dullness in her eyes. Even though he thought they’d had a good talk and clarified a lot of things, he knew she still had more than a few doubts about whether they were strong enough as a couple to weather whatever lay ahead. He had plenty of fears of his own, certainly more than he dared to admit to her.
By the time she was out of the shower and wrapped in a thick terry-cloth robe, he’d started a fire and made a pot of tea. “Would you rather have a drink?” he asked. “It seems as if we should be toasting with champagne.”
She shook her head. “Not now. To be honest, I’m exhausted.”
“Why don’t I run home and change, then come back here?” he suggested. “That way you won’t have to get dressed.”
She regarded him blankly. “Why?” She sounded genuinely mystified.
“Because it’s our wedding night,” he reminded her, not allowing himself to be offended by how little that seemed to matter to her. “I’m not saying we have to make a big romantic production out of it, if you’re not up to it, but we should at least spend it together, don’t you think?”
She actually hesitated. “I don’t know, Mack.”
This time he really did have to work to keep his temper in check. He held her gaze. “Okay, Susie, spill it. What are you thinking? You’re not back to the annulment thing, are you?”
“I don’t know,” she said guiltily. “Maybe. I know there are ways to get an annulment once we’ve slept together, but it will be more complicated.”
The fear in her voice was real. She was convinced they ought to end this now, that he’d want to end it. He thought he detected, though, just a hint of wistfulness. An annulment wasn’t what she really wanted. She was simply trying to be fair. He had to make it clear that ending their marriage before it had even begun wasn’t an option.
“No annulment. No divorce,” he said flatly, reiterating what he’d basically told her earlier. “We can postpone the honeymoon. We can even postpone the wedding night, but I want to be absolutely clear that there’s no turning back from this marriage, Susie. Loving you, being with you, it’s what I want—I wanted it before I had any idea you might be sick—and I know it’s what you want, too. You’re just scared.”
“Of a wedding night? Don’t be crazy.”
He allowed himself a smile. “No, I imagine that wouldn’t shake you at all. I’m talking about what comes after, the living together, trying to be a couple when we’ve had so little practice at it, to say nothing of dealing with the cancer.”
She
sighed. “Okay, yes. I’m terrified of all that,” she admitted. “I feel as if I trapped you or tricked you or something. You married me thinking you were getting this healthy person with a reasonable life expectancy, and now there’s this cloud hanging over the future.”
“You seem to have forgotten that I knew you might have cancer when I proposed. I understood exactly what I was bargaining for—a lifetime with you, however long that may turn out to be.”
Tears welled up in her eyes. “But you hadn’t heard the words yet. Neither of us had. They’re pretty stark, when you actually say them out loud.” She met his gaze, her chin trembling. “I have ovarian cancer, Mack.”
Her tears began to fall in earnest now, breaking his heart.
“Don’t you see? After the surgery I won’t be a whole woman,” she added, her voice barely above a whisper. “Most likely that means never having kids of our own.”
“Your ability to have kids or not isn’t a deal breaker for me,” he said emphatically. “And if you dare to describe yourself again as anything less than whole, I will…” Words failed him. The idea that she was anything other than a wonderful, complete, incredible woman was absolutely ridiculous. How could she not know that?
Still, his idle, incomplete threat seemed to do what his prior words hadn’t. It got through to her just how serious he was about sticking with her.
“You’ll what?” she asked sweetly, her eyes suddenly twinkling. She swiped at the tears with an impatient gesture, as if determined to rid herself of any sign of weakness. “Challenge me to a duel? Tickle me till I take it back?”
“Both excellent options,” he replied. “Or maybe I’ll just kiss you till you shut up.”
She drew in a deep breath. “You could kiss me anyway,” she said daringly. “You’ve only kissed me once, you know. That doesn’t seem right, since we’re now married.”
“I’ve kissed you lots of times,” he said, thinking of the frustratingly chaste pecks on the cheek that had been a staple of their friendship.
“Only once like you really meant it,” she insisted, heat in her eyes.
Mack smiled at the memory. “Under the mistletoe.”
She nodded. “I don’t know if you’d had too much champagne or what, but it gave me hope.”
“Me, too,” he said, drawing her close. He looked into her eyes and saw everything he’d ever wanted—her steadiness, her love, the passion she’d so carefully kept in check to give him the room she’d thought he needed to breathe.
His first kiss was soft, tender, a little tentative even. It felt as if it were the first one ever. And then she sighed and he was lost. His tongue touched her lips, then dived inside her mouth. She melted against him, stirring the kind of heat he’d been imagining for months now. No, longer than that. Practically since the first time he’d seen her as something other than his dearest friend. Their friendship was unmistakably different from the one he shared with Will and Jake, not just because she was a woman, but because she was the woman. The bond was deeper somehow, perhaps because it tapped in to emotions he’d never expected to feel.
His breath turned ragged. Hers hitched, and still she clung to him, matching him with a desire that fueled his own.
Eventually he pulled back, searched her eyes. “Is this what you want? Now, tonight?”
“I think it’s what I’ve wanted since the day we met,” she whispered against his lips, then smiled. “Well, maybe not then, since we were kids, but for a long, long time.” She looked into his eyes. “And, Mack?”
“Uh-huh,” he said, already lost to the feel of her surrendering in his arms.
“Tonight is just about us, just about this moment, okay? Not one single thought about tomorrow or the next day or the day after that. Agreed? You’re making love to me, not to a woman with ovarian cancer. Can you do that?”
“Agreed,” he said, knowing that they couldn’t postpone reality forever. But this, too, was reality, one that had been a very long time coming. They deserved this moment out of time, this happiness at its most basic level.
Of course, they deserved many more moments like it, but as Susie had requested, this wasn’t the time to worry about whether they’d have them. The only way for them to live right now was as if each precious moment might be their last.
Tears stung his eyes at that thought, but he blinked them away. And when he looked into Susie’s gaze, he managed a smile and a promise. “Tonight I’m going to love you like there’s no tomorrow,” he said, then cupped her chin. “But just so you know, there are going to be plenty of tomorrows. We’ll make it happen, Susie. Whatever it takes, we’ll make it happen.”
He swept her into his arms, then carried her into the bedroom he’d never before shared, settled her amid the mound of lace-trimmed feminine pillows that were such a contrast to her matter-of-fact personality. He smiled at the image of her mussed hair, strands of red silk against that sea of white and turquoise. She’d brought the sea inside.
And the fire, he thought as she reached for him, snagged the edge of his shirt and ripped it open, sending buttons flying.
“I owe you a shirt,” she murmured as she pressed her hands against his bare chest, exploring, not with the tentative touch he’d expected, but with a woman’s long-denied passion. They were anxious, restless touches that stirred his blood and had him counting backward from a hundred in his head in an attempt to slow things down.
“Um, Suze, you might want to give me a chance to catch up here,” he said.
Laughter sparked in her eyes. “I think I like being in charge. I like knowing I can drive you a little crazy. I never imagined that.”
“You’ve been driving me crazy for years,” he corrected with a smile, then lay back. “Have your way with me, then.”
She gave him a surprised look. “Really?”
“Really,” he said. “I hear there’s a balance of power in any good marriage. If you want to take over tonight, I can handle it.”
But as she explored, caressed and kissed her way over his burning skin, he wondered if that was true. Could he handle it? Could he handle her? Or in this, as in life in general with this woman, was he in way over his head? He’d never wanted any woman the way he wanted this one, never felt the need to show anyone the tenderness and passion that Susie deserved.
When she reached for the zipper on his pants, he stilled her hand. “Not just yet,” he murmured. “Let’s get you caught up.”
For an instant she looked disappointed. “But you promised…”
He grinned. “Changed my mind. Come here, my beautiful, redheaded temptress.”
Delight lit her eyes. “Temptress?”
“Don’t play coy. It’s obvious the effect you’re having on me. Now it’s my turn.”
With quick, sure fingers, he removed her blouse and bra, then sucked in his breath at the sight of her breasts. “If I’d had any idea how gorgeous you are, we’d have done this long ago.”
“You mean my mistake was not running around naked?” she asked, an impish glint in her eyes.
Mack choked on a laugh. “Yeah, that probably would have done it, but then I’d have had to kill anyone else who caught a glimpse of you.”
His laughter died as she reached for his hand and placed it over her breast.
“Feel my heart beating?” she asked, a catch in her voice.
Mack nodded.
“You’ve made it beat that fast,” she said solemnly.
“It’s a strong heart,” he told her, hoping to reassure her, reassure himself that it would be beating like that for a long, long time. A fair and loving God would give them that time.
“I love you, Susie. I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to say those words to anyone, ever be able to feel the kind of love I feel for you. Let me show you.”
And then, with a tenderness he hadn’t known himself capable of, he taught her desire and passion and, he hoped, the depths of his love for her.
“We could skip Sunday dinner at Uncle Mick’s,” Susie said
as she watched Mack dress. It had become one of her favorite pastimes, watching this man she’d wanted for so long as he put on his clothes. She thought he deliberately turned it into some kind of reverse striptease just to torment her. “We could stay right here and spend the afternoon in bed.”
That was another thing. She seemed to have become addicted to making love with him. He was very, very good at it. She only rarely allowed herself to consider that he’d gotten that way through lots and lots of practice.
“We’re expected for dinner,” he said, though desire darkened his eyes as he met her gaze. “I’m not going to disappoint everyone. And you know your parents will worry if you’re not there. Your mother’s still a little freaked that you put the doctor’s appointment off until tomorrow.”
“I told her that I’d spoken to Dr. Kinnear Friday morning,” Susie said. “A couple of days weren’t going to make a huge difference. I wanted this time for us.” She frowned at him. “Didn’t you?”
“I’d say the fact that we haven’t left your apartment since the day we got married speaks for itself. Even the pizza delivery guy is finding it difficult not to smirk when he comes by.”
Susie laughed. “Poor Teddy. I think he had high hopes that one day I’d give up on you and say yes when he asked me out.”
Mack paused and scowled. “Teddy asked you out?”
She nodded, hiding a smile. “Lots of times.”
“Isn’t he, like, sixteen?”
“Nineteen,” she corrected.
“That’s it. From now on, the only takeout we order is Chinese.”
Susie chuckled happily at the unmistakable note of jealousy in Mack’s voice. She’d never expected that. “That hardly seems fair,” she chided. “I’m pretty sure Teddy’s being consoled by your huge tips. Now, let’s get back to the idea of spending the afternoon right here.” She reached for him, managed to slip her hand past the waistband of his pants. “I think I could make a good case for it.”
Mack laughed and removed her hand, then backed a safe distance away. “Sorry, kid. It’s not going to happen. This is a command performance.”
Beach Lane Page 14