Once in a Lifetime (1982)

by Steel, Danielle

  "This is a hell of a way to start out." It had never happened to her with Jeff, or John. Maybe she had been right to hide behind her walls. Justin sensed her thoughts.

  "You can't be half alive all your life, Daff. You have to be out here with the rest of us, get hurt, make mistakes, pick yourself up, and make it again. Otherwise you're only half a human being, and that's not you. You're a lot more than that. I'm sorry. I'm sorrier than you'll ever know."

  "So am I." But she didn't look as vehement as before.

  "Will you let it ride for a while? I swear to you, you won't be sorry." She didn't answer. "I love you. What more can I say?" There wasn't much. In the last hour and a half he had said it all, that he loved her, that he had been a fool, that he wanted to marry her someday. It was the first she'd heard of that, and she looked at him now, with a thousand questions still in her eyes.

  "Were you serious about wanting to get married?"

  "Yes. I've never said that to anyone before. But I've never met anyone like you." His eyes were so gentle and her heart still felt as though it had been torn in half.

  "You've never met my son." It was out of context, but not really.

  "I will. Maybe next time I'll fly East with you." She didn't answer and he watched her. He didn't want to remind her that they were over an hour late for work. He knew what a crazy bastard he had been, and he knew also that he had to make it right with her before anything. He didn't want to give her more time to think. "We have a lifetime ahead of us, my love." It was an awesome thought. "Will you give me another chance?"

  Her eyes searched his but she didn't speak, and he leaned down and kissed her gently on the mouth, as he had so long ago when they came together in love. "I love you, Daff. With all my heart." And then the tears began to flow again and she held him tight, aching over what he had done while she was gone. Justin held her as she sobbed, cooing and soothing and comforting and stroking her hair. He knew he had won her back when she stopped crying at last. She was unable to say what she felt, but he knew that in time she would forgive him for what he had done, and he sighed softly to himself as he stood up and gently led her from their bed. "I hate to say it, babe, but we have to get to work." She groaned at the thought, it was the last thing on her mind. But she knew that he was right.

  "What time is it?"

  "Six fifteen."

  She winced. "Howard's going to have a fit."

  "Yeah." Justin smiled at last. "But as long as he is anyway, let's make it worthwhile." And then without another word he lay her on the bed again and began to make love to her.

  She wanted to object, it wasn't what she had in mind, not after what he had done ... not so soon ... not yet ... but his skill was greater than her resolve and a moment later he plunged inside her and she gave a moan of sorrow and joy and knew herself to be his once again. And perhaps he was right, she told herself afterward, maybe everyone suffers something like that. Maybe they'd be stronger for the pain.

  When Justin and Daphne appeared on the set at eight fifteen, Howard was nearing an apoplectic fit. He turned to stare at them in disbelief as they walked in.

  "I don't believe it... I don't believe it!" His voice rose to a crescendo and Daphne cringed. Justin looked unimpressed. "What is it with you two? You can't get your goddamn asses out of bed to come to work? Doesn't anyone give a shit around here? Three hours late on the set and you walk in like you're coming to a tea party? The hell with you!" He grabbed a copy of the script and threw it as Justin went off to put his costume on and Daphne searched frantically for Barbara.

  "You okay?" Barbara sat down next to her, looking at the tired little face, the ravaged eyes, but Daphne averted her gaze and nodded. Even now she had to fight back tears. Between the emotions and the lack of sleep, she was exhausted and overwrought.

  "I'm fine." She looked up at her friend with a tired smile. "Everything's all right." Or at least it was going to be. Barbara realized that Justin must have sold her a bill of goods.

  "Do you want a cup of coffee?"

  "Yes, if you're sure Howard didn't put arsenic in my cup."

  Barbara smiled, still watching her. She hated the sorrow she saw on her face, and hated Justin for putting it there. "Don't feel so bad, Daff. Half of the crew came in late, that's why he's so pissed off. Apparently it always takes a couple of days to settle down after a break."

  "That's the understatement of the year." For the first time since she had come home, Daphne grinned. And it was the only mention she made of the havoc she had found in her own house. Barbara brought her the coffee and slowly she began to revive, but between the long flight the night before, the lack of sleep, and the trauma she had had with Justin before work, she felt like a zombie all day long. They knocked off at six o'clock that day and Justin took her home and put her to bed. He brought her a cup of tea right away and dinner on a tray. It was like being an invalid, and she knew why he was doing it, but she had to admit she didn't mind. He was in the kitchen afterward, putting things away, when Matthew called, and Daphne sank into the pillows with a sigh. It was a relief to hear his voice.

  "Hi, Matt." Her voice was small and she was glad that the bedroom door was closed.

  "It must have been some day. You sound beat."

  "I am." But he sensed instantly that there was more.

  "Are you okay?"

  "More or less." She fought with herself not to tell him what had happened. She didn't want to. It had nothing to do with him. And yet she needed to reach out to him, she needed to know that there was still something solid left, somewhere, even if it was three thousand miles away. She didn't trust Justin yet, no matter how contrite he was. But she knew for certain that Matthew was her friend. "How was Andrew today?"

  "Not bad, considering that you only left yesterday. How was the flight?"

  "Okay. I slept." For an instant she was reminded of her calls from Jeff when he went on business trips. There was comfort in the trivia of everyday life. It was all on a much smaller scale than what was happening to her, and that was a relief. What was happening in California was just too much. She fell silent then, and at his end Matthew frowned, he had known instantly when he heard her voice that something was wrong.

  "Daff? What's the matter, little one?" No one had called her that since John and she felt her eyes fill with tears as she struggled with the emotions of the past eighteen hours. "Can't I help?"

  "I wish you could." He could hear her crying now. "It's just something that happened out here ... while I was gone...."

  "Your friend?"

  She nodded and choked on her tears. It was stupid to cry now, she told herself. They had made up. But it still hurt. It all hurt so damn much. And she wanted to tell it all to Matt, as though his comforting arms around her could change anything now. "I found kind of a mess when I got back." He waited and she went on. "He had a woman staying here while I was gone." It was shocking to be telling him about that, and yet she didn't feel shocked. She just felt sad. "It's a long story, and he feels like hell about it now. But it was kind of a lousy homecoming." She blew her nose and something within him began to burn.

  "Did you throw the bastard out?"

  "No. I was going to, but ... I don't know, Matt. I think he's sorry. I think he was just a little out of his head from the pressure of so much work for the past three months."

  "What about you? You've been working harder than he has, you wrote the screenplay first. Does that sound like a reasonable excuse to you?" He was mad as hell. And madder still that she wasn't, that she was willing to give the guy another chance.

  "No. Nothing sounds like a reasonable excuse, but it happened. I'm just going to wait and see what happens now." He wanted to shake her right out of her bed, but he knew he didn't have the right. He didn't want her to get hurt. But he was helpless. She was in love with someone else, and he was only her friend.

  "Do you think he's worth it, Daff?"

  "I do now. This morning I wasn't sure." Matthew was sorry he hadn't called earlier th
en, but he knew it wouldn't have made any difference. She wasn't ready to give Justin Wakefield up, but Wakefield was a formidable opponent. Anyone in his right mind would have told him he was nuts even to hope that she'd give him up. "I just don't know ..." She sounded so fragile and so sad, it tore at his heart. "... I ... I've lost so much in the past, Matt ..." He could hear her crying.

  "Then don't cheapen what you had by accepting this."

  His reaction shocked her, "You don't understand. Maybe he's right, maybe people do make mistakes. Maybe actors are different." She was crying harder now. "Dammit, how many times do you think I can start over?"

  "As many times as you have to, you've got the guts, lady. Don't forget that."

  "Maybe I'm getting tired of having guts. Maybe they're all used up."

  "I don't believe that."

  "And besides, we have a commitment to each other. He said so."

  "Commitment? Was he thinking of that commitment while you were here?"

  "I know, Matt, I know. I can't make excuses for him." She was suddenly sorry she had told him at all. She didn't want to defend Justin to anyone, and yet she felt she should. "I know it doesn't make sense, but I'm going to stick it out for a while." She sighed and dried her eyes.

  "It's all right, Daff, I understand. You have to do what's right for you. Just please, don't get hurt." But she already was, and after she hung up, she began to cry again. Justin found her lying in bed, sobbing into her pillows, and not even sure why. She was still upset over the other girl, but there was something more. She was suddenly desperately lonely for Andrew and Matt and she wanted to go home.

  "Oh, babe, don't ... everything's all right ..." But it wasn't and she wasn't fooled. She lay in his arms and sobbed and at last fell asleep on his chest and he turned off the light. He lay looking at her as she slept, wondering if he had done the right thing. He cared about this woman more than he had cared about anyone else before, but he wasn't sure if he could live up to what she expected of him. He wanted to, he really did, but he felt a ripple of fear run through him as he looked down the years. She was so serious and so straight and she had been through so much. And his life was built on other things, excitement, and new people, and acting and having fun. He also knew he didn't have her knack for commitment.

  And in New Hampshire, Matthew sat in the dark, staring at the fire, thinking himself a fool, and hating Justin Wakefield's guts, wondering if there was any hope at all as he ached for Daphne.

  For the next month the making of Apache went smoothly and they were all scheduled to leave for Wyoming on the fourteenth of July. Howard had decided that they didn't have time off when they got back to L.A. before doing the final scenes on the Hollywood set. For Daphne, it meant that she wouldn't have time to fly back and see Andrew but Matt assured her that he was all right, he had his pack trip to look forward to, and as soon as she got back from Jackson Hole, she would fly back to see him. She was almost too busy to dwell on feeling guilty about it. There was a lot of material to rewrite for the scenes in Jackson Hole and she seemed to spend every waking hour on the set and all the rest of her time typing late into the night. And Justin had been marvelously supportive, he read over everything she wrote, told her when it was good and what didn't work and why. He was teaching more than she had ever hoped to learn about writing a screenplay and making it hold up for the characters involved. He sat up every night with her, bringing her sandwiches and coffee, rubbing her neck, and then they would fall into bed and make love. They were existing on almost no sleep, but she had never been happier in her life. She had a working relationship with him that she had never dreamed could happen, and she knew now that she had been right to stick it out with him after the fiasco in June. Even Barbara had to admit that he was behaving like an angel, but she still didn't trust him, as she told Tom often when they were alone.

  "You never liked him from the first, Barb. But if he's good to her, what's wrong with that?"

  "If he pulled a stunt like that on her once, then he'll do it again."

  "Maybe not. Maybe it was just a hangover from his old life, before he met her. He may have learned a lesson." Tom didn't see anything wrong with him when he met him, and Barbara was so rabidly anti-Justin that he often suspected she was just jealous of someone else having that much influence over Daphne. The two women had been so close during their solitary lives at one time that maybe it was just hard for Barbara to let go, even though now she had Tom. He didn't really understand it, but he always urged her to keep her mouth shut if she valued her job. "If she's serious about him, Barb, you'd better lay off." He suspected, as the Hollywood press had finally come to do, that Justin and Daphne would get married.

  "If she does, I'll throw rocks instead of rice," Barbara snarled. "That man is going to hurt her. I know it."

  "All right, Grandma, just relax. Hell, I hope he does marry her, then she'll have to stay out here." It was now a frequent subject between them. He wanted Barbara to stay in L.A. and marry him, but she refused to decide until the making of Apache was over. "But after that, my love, there are no more excuses. I'm not getting any younger and neither are you, and if you think I'm going to wait another twenty years to see you again, you're crazy. I want to marry you and get you pregnant, and watch you sit on your ass by the pool and spend my money for the next fifty years. How does that sound, Miss Jarvis?"

  "Too good to be true." But everything about him had been since the day she had met him at Gucci. It had been a storybook romance from the first. And he had long since surprised her with the handsome black lizard bag he had watched her covet that first day. And there had been other gifts too, a gold Piaget watch, a beautiful beige suede blazer, two jade bracelets, and countless other trinkets that amazed her. She still couldn't believe her good luck in having found Tom, and was constantly amazed to realize how much he loved her. And she loved him just as much. As the two parted, there were tears in her eyes when she left for Jackson Hole, but he was going to fly up every weekend while she was on location.

  Daphne and Justin flew up in a chartered plane, the rest of the crew went in buses hired by the studio, and the shoot took on an aura of summer romance once they were up there. Couples formed in the romantic setting, people sat outside at night, looking at the mountains and singing songs they remembered from their childhoods from camp. Even Howard mellowed. Justin and Daphne's love flourished. On breaks from the set they went on long walks, picked wild flowers, and made love in the tall grass. It was all like a beautiful dream, and everyone was sad when it was over and they had to go back to L.A. Only Daphne felt less regret than the others, because she knew she would see Andrew, she was flying to Boston again in a few days. Justin hadn't decided whether to come with her or not. It was the day before she was due to leave that he finally appeared in their bedroom doorway, a nervous look on his face as he sat down on the edge of the bed.

  "I can't do it, Daff."

  "Can't do what?"

  "I can't go to Boston with you." He looked miserable and she was instantly suspicious.

  "Why not? Did Miss Ohio call?" It was the first time she had made mention of it all summer and he looked crushed.

  "Don't be like that. I told you. That will never happen again."

  "Then why won't you come?"

  He sighed and looked desperately unhappy. "I don't know how to explain it to you without sounding like a total asshole. Or maybe I should just accept the fact that I am, but... Daff ... a whole school of deaf kids ... I ... I ... have this thing about handicaps, blindness, deafness, cripples ... I just can't handle it. It makes me physically sick." She felt her heart sink as he said it. If it was true, they had a serious problem on their hands. Andrew was deaf. It had to be faced.

  "Justin, Andrew isn't a cripple."

  "I know that. And I'd probably be fine with just him ... but all of them ..." He actually looked pale and Daphne saw that he was trembling. "I know that it's nuts for a grown man to feel like this, but I always have. Daphne, I'm sorry." Tears fill
ed his eyes and he hung his head. Now what in hell was she going to do, but then she had an idea. They had to meet each other. It was important. The affair with Justin looked as though it were going to last and he had to meet Andrew.

  "All right, darling, look ... we'll fly him out here."

  "Do you think you could?" The color began to come back to his cheeks and relief flooded his face. He had dreaded telling her for days, but he just knew he couldn't do it.

  "Sure. I'll call Matthew and have him put on the plane. He did it last spring and Andrew loved it."

  "Great."

  But when Daphne called Matt, he told her that Andrew had had a slight ear infection the week before and he couldn't fly out to see her. She had no choice then. She had to fly East by herself, and leave Justin alone in California. When she told him, she looked unhappy and there was a vague look of suspicion in her eyes. She suddenly wondered if he had cooked up the story about his fear just so he could stay in L.A. and raise hell, as he had the last time, and just thinking about it made her angry.

  "Daff, don't look like that. Nothing's going to happen this time." But she didn't answer. "I swear it. I'll call you five times a day."

  "What does that prove? Will Miss Ohio dial for you?" She sounded bitter and he looked genuinely hurt.

  "That's not fair."

  "Neither was making love to her in my bedroom."

  "Look, dammit, can't we forget that?"

  "I don't know, Justin. Have you?"

  "Yes, as a matter of fact, I have. We've had three beautiful months since then. And I don't know about you, lady, but I've never been happier. Why do you have to keep throwing that shit in my face?" But they both knew the answer. She still didn't trust him, and going East was a painful reminder of what had happened when she was away in June.

  She sighed then and sank into a chair as she looked at him bleakly. "I'm sorry, Justin. I really wish you'd come with me." That would solve the problem. But would it? All it would mean was that she could keep tabs on him, it didn't mean that she