by Amy Gutman
she’d spent upstairs, her depression had only deepened.
12
Back at her desk, Kate checked for messages. Still no word from 13
Carter Mills. Outside, an icy drizzle leaked from the sky. Every-14
thing seemed cold and bleak.
15
At a loss for what to do next, Kate picked up a stack of mail.
16
Languidly, she began to thumb through it. A heavy square enve-17
lope caught her eye, and she pulled it out from the pile. A Sag Har-18
bor return address. With a sense of anticipation, Kate ripped 19
through the flap and pulled out a flat white card. Sam Howell: New 20
Work. Opening Reception December 10. Below the printed text was 21
a scribbled note in a strong, sloping hand. “Enjoyed our talk.
22
You’ve missed the opening, but the work’s still there. I’d love to 23
give you the tour.” At the bottom of the card, he’d scrawled his 24
name and number.
25
As she read the words, Kate’s spirits lifted. The world seemed 26
suddenly larger. Over the past few years, she’d all but forgotten 27
many things she’d once cared about. Photography was one of her 28
hobbies, still listed on her résumé. Yet when had she last shot a roll 29
of film? When had she last seen a show?
30
Still holding the note in her hand, Kate turned to stare out the 31
window. The night before she’d met Sam Howell, she’d dreamed 32
about India. And then he’d shown up with those pictures.
33
Varanasi, the holy city. She wasn’t superstitious, of course. All the ort 34
same, it struck her as strange. In her mind’s eye, she saw the pho-reg 35
tographs. They were really quite wonderful. A wave of yearning 9858_02_153-356_r6jm.qxd 9/28/00 3:59 PM Page 225
E Q U I V O C A L D E A T H
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swept over her, a desire to escape her life. She’d planned to work 1
tomorrow, but there was nothing that couldn’t wait. She could go 2
to Sag Harbor tomorrow morning and be back for the party that 3
night. Without pausing to reconsider, she picked up the phone and 4
dialed.
5
“H’llo!” The voice that answered the phone was sharp. She 6
must have caught him at a bad time; she began a rushed introduc-7
tion.
8
“This is Kate Paine. We met at the Mug. I —”
9
“Of course!” In an instant, his tone changed. “Good to hear 10
from you. How’ve you been?”
11
“Fine, I —”
12
“Did you get my invitation?”
13
“Actually, I did. I just opened it. And I was thinking . . . , I 14
know this is sudden, but I was thinking of coming out tomorrow.”
15
“Terrific.” He sounded surprised but pleased.
16
“I’d have to catch a morning bus. I need to be back in the city 17
by early evening.”
18
“That shouldn’t be a problem. Why don’t you check the sched-19
ule and get back to me? I’ll meet you at the other end.”
20
w
21
Sam Howell gently hung up the phone and returned to the clut-22
tered table. Through a wall of windows, he could see the bay, sunk 23
in a winter haze. But his eyes were focused on the table’s surface.
24
Boxes and boxes of photographs. Different images. Different years.
25
But the model was always the same.
26
Carefully, he slid an 8 x 10 print out of its plastic casing. He 27
studied the image critically. It was, he thought, very good. Clearly 28
articulated whites. Richly modulated blacks. Then he felt a surge 29
of disgust. How could he focus on the form itself, forget what he 30
was looking at? There was something monstrous about it, this abil-31
ity to detach. Especially now. It raised questions he didn’t want to 32
face. Such as whether he’d really loved her. Such as whether he 33
could love at all.
34 sh
Now he forced himself to look at the image, to actually see her 35 re
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there. It was years since he’d looked at this picture. Yet he still re-2
membered the day. A Saturday morning. Early fall. He’d gotten up 3
to make coffee, then gone back to the bedroom to get dressed.
4
She’d been lying there, still asleep. She’d looked like a goddess at 5
rest.
6
And now she was dead. Now she was dead. It was this fact he 7
couldn’t get over. He’d always believed that he’d see her again.
8
And now that would never happen. Time spread before him end-9
lessly. It was too much to contemplate. Then, with sudden hope-10
fulness, he thought of Kate. How young she was, how young and 11
unsuspecting. A surge of protectiveness rushed through him.
12
There were, after all, still reasons to live. His work, for one. And 13
Kate. She’d be here tomorrow, just hours from now.
14
It was almost like a second chance.
15
w
16
Kate knew without checking that there wasn’t any food in the 17
kitchen, at least nothing that would do for dinner. She decided to 18
head for French Roast, a popular neighborhood bistro. Looking for 19
something to read while she waited, her eyes lit on Madeleine’s 20
book. Sexual Harassment of Working Women. After a moment’s 21
pause, she tossed it into her bag.
22
At the restaurant, Kate put her name on the waiting list. Then 23
she snagged a seat at the bar and ordered a glass of merlot. Next to 24
her, a couple was drinking frothy blue drinks out of oversized tulip 25
glasses. The man’s arm was draped casually across the woman’s 26
chair. Kate could almost feel the weight of the arm, the slight inti-27
macy with a promise of more to come. Michael and I used to sit like 28
that. . . .
29
Looking away, Kate pulled out her book.
30
She was just starting to read when a clean-cut guy in his twen-31
ties edged up alongside her. She watched as he strained to catch 32
her book’s title. Probably trying to come up with a pickup line. But 33
as she glanced over in his direction, his head jerked up. His eyes ort 34
met hers. “A little light reading, huh?” The smile was cold, the reg 35
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words unmistakably hostile. Without waiting for a response, he 1
flagged down the bartender. “Hey! Two Stoli martinis straight up.”
2
Kate flushed. For an instant she saw herself through his eyes: a 3
woman with a chip on her shoulder. Someone who spent Friday 4
nights drinking alone at a bar, devouring feminist dogma. A woman 5
who had “issues” with men. Then, just as quickly, embarassment 6
&
nbsp; gave way to anger. Who was he to judge her, to make her feel this 7
way? She gave him a cold stare before turning back to the book.
8
But somehow she couldn’t concentrate. Gazing at the black-9
and-white words, she kept thinking of other things. Images floated 10
through her mind’s eye, remembered moments from the past few 11
days. Carter Mills’s desolate expression the day after Madeleine 12
died. Madeleine’s hand on her shoulder, her glittering green-eyed 13
gaze. The way Chuck Thorpe had smiled at her when —
14
Chuck Thorpe.
15
There, he was back again. She’d managed to forget about 16
Thorpe for an hour or so, but now he was back full force. Anx-17
iously, Kate glanced around the room, as if assuring herself that he 18
wasn’t nearby. It was almost as if she credited Thorpe with super-19
natural properties, the ability to appear at will. She tried to be ra-20
tional. There was no way Thorpe knew where she was tonight.
21
And even if he had somehow managed to follow her here, she’d be 22
safe in this room full of people.
23
Again, she tried to read, but still the words wouldn’t sink in.
24
Now that her thoughts had moved to Thorpe, she felt powerless to 25
wrench them away. You must be very careful. It seemed so obvious 26
now. The book. The veiled warning. Everything fit together.
27
Thorpe had certainly known Madeleine’s schedule. And what bet-28
ter way to ward off suspicion than to claim that you’d been stood 29
up? Even if Thorpe had an alibi, that didn’t rule out his involve-30
ment. He could always have hired someone to do the job. In fact, 31
she would have expected that.
32
Staring blankly at Madeleine’s book, Kate chewed over this 33
thought. Then she forced her attention back to the text, to a 34 sh
35 re
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heavily underlined passage. The decisively nontolerating woman must 2
suddenly be eliminated. Her mere presence becomes offensive; to be re-3
minded of her existence, unbearable.
4
The decisively nontolerating woman. An interesting phrase, 5
though she wasn’t quite sure what it meant. Kate’s eyes retraced 6
the words. And stopped at the end of the line.
7
Must suddenly be eliminated.
8
The words seemed eerily portentous. As if Madeleine had pre-9
dicted her own demise. But that had to be a coincidence. If Mad-10
eleine had known she was in danger, wouldn’t she have done 11
something? Kate tried to put herself in Madeleine’s place. It was 12
difficult, since she knew so little about Madeleine’s life and next to 13
nothing about her dealings with Thorpe. But maybe the threat had 14
been much less clear than it appeared after the fact. Perhaps 15
Madeleine had sensed Thorpe’s violent streak without ever imag-16
ining its reach.
17
“Miss? You okay?”
18
Kate raised her head. It was the bartender, a freckle-faced guy 19
who didn’t look more than eighteen.
20
“I’m fine,” Kate said. “Just thinking.”
21
Kate’s eyes moved back to the book, lighting on another marked 22
passage. Plainly, the wooden dichotomy between “real love,” which is 23
supposed to be a matter of free choice, and coercion, which implies some 24
form of the gun at the head, is revealed as inadequate to explain the so-25
cial construction of women’s sexuality. . . .
26
Gun at the head.
27
The phrase leaped out from the page. Pictures flashed through 28
Kate’s mind. Madeleine’s mutilated body. Madeleine shot through 29
the head. It was the gunshot wound that had killed her, that’s what 30
the newspapers said. The rest of it had come later. What had 31
Madeleine been thinking when she read these words? Why had she 32
underlined them?
33
Kate’s eyes slid to the next sentence and the next. She flipped ort 34
ahead twenty, then thirty, pages before again coming to a stop.
reg 35
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public policy although they may “satisfy a personal urge” of the perpe-1
trator. Not all urges are given free rein in society, heedless of their im-2
pact on others. . . .
3
“Kate Paine. Kate Paine.” Over the hum of voices, someone was 4
calling her name. Startled, Kate raised her head.
5
The hostess was waving her forward; her table was ready now.
6
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1
Saturday, January 16
2
3
The
trip to Sag Harbor passed peacefully. During the summer 4
months, the Hampton Jitney was packed to capacity with jazzed-5
up weekenders on cell phones. Today, it was almost empty. Kate 6
grabbed two seats for herself and promptly fell asleep. She dozed for 7
the next couple of hours, waking as the bus reached town. Through 8
the window, she saw a snowy village street lined with small shops 9
and restaurants. Stepping down from the bus, Kate was glad that 10
she’d come.
11
“Kate!” Sam Howell was moving toward her, flashing an easy 12
smile. Dressed in a navy parka and jeans, he was taller than she re-13
membered, taller and better-looking. They shook hands, then 14
stood for an awkward moment. Howell gestured across the street.
15
“I thought we’d grab a bite to eat and then stop by the gallery.”
16
“Good. Fine.” Face to face with Howell, Kate felt a little shy.
ort 17
The restaurant had leather booths and a black-and-white reg 18
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2 3 1
checked floor. It smelled of sausage and roast potatoes and was do-1
ing a steady business.
2
“The Paradise,” Howell said, as they slipped into a booth. “My 3
favorite local place.”
4
Kate took a deep, satisfied breath then turned her attention to 5
the menu. She finally settled on bacon and blueberry pancakes.
/> 6
And orange juice and coffee, too.
7
“I’ve never been out here,” Kate said, after they’d placed their 8
orders. “It seems almost magical, like something from another 9
time.”
10
Howell smiled. “I love it,” he said. “I moved out from the city a 11
number of years back, and I’ve never regretted it. Small-town life 12
suits me.”
13
“You do photography full time?”
14
“Yeah, I’ve been lucky. I haven’t worked at a day job since my 15
early twenties. That’s how I managed to live out here. I still have 16
to be in the city a lot, but I can pretty much set my own schedule.”
17
Kate nodded politely. She couldn’t imagine planning her own 18
time. Not just a day here and there but weeks and weeks at a 19
stretch. She was about to say something to that effect, but Howell 20
was talking again.
21
“That firm where you work, Samson & Mills. Isn’t that the place 22
a woman was killed?”
23
The question caught Kate off guard. “Well, she wasn’t killed at 24
the firm. But yes, one of the partners was murdered.”
25
“Did you know her?” Howell asked.
26
“Not well,” Kate said.
27
Howell seemed to be studying her. Then, after a pause, he went 28
on. “So what’s life like at those big city firms? Do you work for one 29
person at a time?”
30
At least it was a harmless inquiry, one she didn’t much mind an-31
swering. The mechanics of Samson & Mills she could deal with.
32
“That’s usually how it works for associates,” she said. “Lawyers who 33
aren’t partners yet. Sometimes people split their time between two 34 sh
35 re
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people. It all depends on the firm’s needs.” She sounded like a re-2
cruiting manual.
3
“I used to know someone who worked at Samson & Mills.
4
I can’t remember his name, though. Who do you work for there?”
5
“His name’s Carter Mills. He’s the managing partner.” Her ear-6
lier discomfort forgotten, Kate experienced a thrill of pride. Even 7
with all that had happened, she still felt the mystique of her posi-8
tion. “Who was the person you knew?”
9
“Oh, I forget his name. It was a long time ago now.” He seemed 10
suddenly preoccupied.
11