by Amy Gutman
came up. I didn’t open it right away. I took a long walk instead, try-6
ing to sort things out. I was afraid, I guess. Afraid of what the let-7
ter might say. Afraid of what might be left out. Confused, too. Did 8
I want her to say it was all a mistake, that she wanted to try again?
9
Not really. I couldn’t imagine that. What I wanted, I finally figured 10
out, was something I could never have. I didn’t want Madeleine 11
back. I wanted her not to have left.”
12
Kate stared down at her mug, tracing the rim with a finger. I 13
wanted her not to have left. He’s got it exactly right, she thought.
14
That’s exactly the way that you feel.
15
After a time, Kate looked up. “So why was she writing you now?”
16
“She wanted to apologize. She said she’d been thinking about 17
the past. And thought she owed me an explanation. That’s when I 18
found out about Mills. That they’d been having an affair. I knew 19
the name, of course. She’d talked about him all the time. Carter 20
this, Carter that. I’d tuned out most of it. You’d think I might have 21
had some suspicion. But, really, I had no idea.”
22
Hearing the pain in his voice, Kate felt a wave of empathy. And 23
with it, a jolt of apprehension. Was this what her own future held?
24
Ten years from now, would she still be thinking about Michael?
25
She tried to push the thought away.
26
“What did she want?”
27
“I don’t know exactly,” Howell said. “I never had a chance to 28
find out. We were supposed to have dinner, had actually set a date.
29
But she was killed before we could meet. All I know for sure is that 30
she was scared. She felt very isolated, very alone. She needed 31
someone to trust.”
32
Kate leaned toward Howell, electrified by what he’d just said.
33
“Did she mention anyone by name?”
34 sh
35 re
9858_02_153-356_r6jm.qxd 9/28/00 3:59 PM Page 240
2 4 0
A M Y G U T M A N
1
Howell looked her squarely in the eye. “She was scared of Carter 2
Mills,” he said. “Of what Mills might do to her.”
3
“Of Carter Mills?” Kate eyed Howell doubtfully.
4
“I think she knew something about him. Something that would 5
hurt his career.”
6
Kate stared at Howell, disbelieving. She must have misunder-7
stood. “You don’t think that Carter killed her?”
8
“He wouldn’t have done it himself.”
9
“But you think he’s the one who arranged it?”
10
“Yes.”
11
“I’m sorry,” Kate said, shaking her head, “but it just doesn’t 12
make any sense. I mean, I know Carter Mills. I work for him. He’d 13
never —” Kate broke off midsentence, conscious of Howell’s stony 14
gaze. “Look, what did she say exactly? To make you think that 15
about Carter Mills?”
16
“I don’t remember precisely.” Howell’s voice had a sharper edge 17
now.
18
“But . . . you talked to the police about it?”
19
“Of course. They have a copy of the letter.”
20
“Well, then . . .” Kate looked at her watch. Saved by the bell.
21
“Wow, I’ve really got to get going. I’ve only got about ten min-22
utes.”
23
Standing up from her chair, she pulled on her coat and extended 24
a hand. “So . . . thanks.”
25
Howell gave her an ironic look.
26
“No, really,” Kate insisted. “It was great seeing your work.”
27
She was almost out the door when a sudden thought made her 28
turn back. “There’s one thing I still don’t get. That day you saw me 29
at the church. What made you want to talk to me?”
30
Howell studied her face. “Take off your glasses,” he said.
31
Kate had no idea what he was getting at. Still, she did as he’d 32
asked. Without her glasses, the room was a blur, an interplay of 33
light and dark. She couldn’t make out Howell’s features, though ort 34
she sensed him watching her. Then, from across the table, she reg 35
9858_02_153-356_r6jm.qxd 9/28/00 3:59 PM Page 241
E Q U I V O C A L D E A T H
2 4 1
heard his disembodied voice. “Didn’t you ever notice how much 1
you look like her?”
2
3
4
Kate gazed out the window, watching the outskirts of town give 5
way to endless winter fields. Traffic was light. Cold air seeped 6
through the window. She tried to think about the evening ahead, 7
the upcoming cocktail party. But she couldn’t seem to shake How-8
ell’s voice.
9
Didn’t you ever notice how much you look like her?
10
Head still turned toward one side, Kate reached into her back-11
pack and pulled out a plastic compact. She held the round con-12
tainer in her hands a moment. Then she snapped it open and 13
looked. First with glasses. Then without. Blue eyes stared back 14
from the mirror. Madeleine’s eyes were green.
15
And then, suddenly, she saw it.
16
Me but not me . . .
17
She stared at the image, as if hypnotized, wondering how she 18
could have missed it. But then, she sometimes didn’t recognize her 19
own reflection. No surprise she hadn’t picked this out. Besides, the 20
resemblance wasn’t so much to the Madeleine she’d known, but to 21
the woman on the TV news. A Madeleine whose sleek dark bob 22
had grazed her cheek. Just as her own hair did now.
23
For several minutes, Kate studied the image, in horrified fasci-24
nation. Now that she’d seen this, what did she do? And what could 25
it possibly mean?
26
27
28
Strains of a string quartet greeted Kate as she arrived at the cocktail 29
party. The cafeteria had been transformed. The lights were low.
30
Candles flickered. Tables were piled high with food. The men 31
looked much as they did during the week; the women wore simple 32
black dresses. Kate tossed off greetings as she edged through the 33
crowd, scanning the room for Carter Mills.
34 sh
35 re
9858_02_153-356_r6jm.qxd 9/28/00 3:59 PM Page 242
2 4 2
A M Y G U T M A N
1
She’d just picked up a white wine spritzer when she heard some-2
one call her name.
3
“Kate. Over here.” It was Justin. He was standing with two col-4
leagues. One was Victor Lawson. She didn’t know the other guy.
5
“Come rescue me
!” Justin called. “I’m trapped in the conversation 6
from hell. We’re deep in discussion of the subway system.”
7
“Litigators,” Kate said, approaching the group. “Is there any-8
thing they can’t debate?” Returning Justin’s smile, she felt a pang 9
of sadness, sudden as it was unexpected. Laura Lacy. Of course, 10
Justin had gone out on dates before, but there’d never been anyone 11
serious. Somehow, she knew this was different.
12
“You know Victor Lawson,” Justin said. Kate nodded. “And this 13
is Mark Postino.”
14
“Hi, Mark.”
15
“Hi. Nice to meet you.” With his strong Bronx accent and mus-16
cled build, Postino looked more like a wrestler than a white-shoe 17
lawyer.
18
“What year are you?” she asked.
19
“Third. But I just started here last month. I used to be at Cra-20
vath.”
21
“If you don’t mind,” Victor Lawson said, raising an eyebrow. “I 22
was just making a very important transportation point.”
23
The mock argument resumed. Kate took a seat on a window 24
ledge. Outside it had started to snow. Wet flakes hurtled through 25
the building’s light before vanishing below. Turning back to the 26
room, Kate again scanned the crowd. The partnership was out in 27
full force. Bruce Stroesser huddled with Martin Drescher. Bill Mc-28
Carty and Karen Henderson talked nearby. One by one, Kate 29
picked out another half dozen familiar faces. Colin Barfield. Dave 30
Bosch. Warren Leverett. But still no sign of Carter Mills. Could she 31
somehow have missed his arrival? She decided to check around.
32
“I’m going to get some food,” Kate said, hopping down from her 33
perch.
ort 34
Justin put down his drink. “I’ll go with you. I could use some-reg 35
thing to eat.”
9858_02_153-356_r6jm.qxd 9/28/00 3:59 PM Page 243
E Q U I V O C A L D E A T H
2 4 3
Together they approached the buffet table. It was an impressive 1
sight, filled with an array of complex hors d’oeuvres. Tuna sashimi 2
on tiny potato crisps. Endive leaves filled with chevre and caviar.
3
Mushroom caps stuffed with green-flecked puree. “Big food, ” An-4
drea called these ornate creations. It occurred to Kate that Andrea 5
was someone else she hadn’t seen yet tonight.
6
“Quite a spread, huh?” Justin was methodically filling a plate.
7
“Definitely beats the Harvard Club. Although, come to think of it, 8
these broiled oysters would taste great with a big glob of Cheez 9
Whiz.”
10
“Maybe you should suggest it,” Kate said, still looking over the 11
room. The conversational buzz was growing louder, all but drown-12
ing out the string quartet. “Justin, have you seen Carter tonight?”
13
“I don’t know. I don’t think so. But I haven’t been looking for 14
him. Hey, want to go back to Lawson and Postino?”
15
Kate managed a smile. “No thanks. I think I’m going to do a lit-16
tle mingling.”
17
w
18
The ticking of the grandfather clock seemed louder than usual 19
tonight. Mills saw it was almost eight. He was long overdue up-20
stairs. But picturing the strained festivities — the pathetically 21
elaborate hors d’oeuvres, the anxious young lawyers, desperate to 22
make an impression — he just couldn’t face it yet. Besides, he had 23
other things on his mind, issues far more pressing than a cocktail 24
party.
25
Mills sank back into his chair and folded his hands. Gazing out 26
the window at the city’s anonymous depths, he found himself wish-27
ing he could disappear. He was tired, terribly tired. What he really 28
yearned for was sleep. A deep, dreamless slumber that would ban-29
ish all thought. But sleep really wasn’t an option. It was laughable, 30
almost, how his luck had turned. Luck had been with him for so 31
many years, he’d almost forgotten its presence. But now he sensed 32
cracks in his life’s foundation. So far, the movement was insub-33
stantial. Nothing that couldn’t be dealt with. But he was too much 34 sh
of a realist to think that it would end here.
35 re
9858_02_153-356_r6jm.qxd 9/28/00 3:59 PM Page 244
2 4 4
A M Y G U T M A N
1
Behind him, a gold hinged frame held studio portraits of two 2
boys. Turning away from the window, Mills briefly studied the 3
pictures. A pair of blond children with indiscriminate smiles.
4
Looking at them, he felt nothing. Except perhaps irritation. After 5
all, what did his sons — young men now — know of the pressures 6
he faced? The boys had always reminded him of their mother, a re-7
semblance that had grown more striking with the passing years.
8
Diane accused him of being heartless, of caring no more for his 9
sons than for her. He never responded to these accusations. For 10
what was there to say? He looked at the boys and saw nothing of 11
himself. Nothing to take hold of, to mold, to shape. Quite simply, 12
he’d lost interest.
13
Then he was thinking of another picture. The one he’d de-14
stroyed last week. He could still see her face in his mind’s eye. The 15
sweep of dark hair, the broad forehead, the brilliant, wide-set eyes.
16
If only he could have destroyed his memories along with her pho-17
tograph. Instead, they were growing stronger. Ever since he’d cut 18
up the picture, he’d been obsessed by the past. As if by reliving 19
events in his mind, he could somehow alter their course.
20
If only they’d never met.
21
It was this thought that haunted him most. After all, what were 22
the odds? They were different people from different worlds. Their 23
paths need never have crossed. So many chances for avoidance! If 24
only he’d picked a different movie. If only he’d gone to a later 25
show. If only she hadn’t worked that night. His mind had run on 26
like this for days. He couldn’t work, couldn’t sleep. The mental 27
discipline that was his stock-in-trade seemed to have deserted him 28
entirely. He could almost imagine she was watching him. Staring 29
through a keyhole, gloating.
30
Then, without warning, he heard a voice. Each day is a new be-31
ginning. You must never rest on your laurels. His father’s words rever-32
berated in Carter’s mind, filling him with a trembling rage. Give up 33
now? And prove his father right? Never. Not while he still had a ort 34
choice. He was a litigator, one of the best. He’d built a career on reg 35
beating the odds. He could certainly do it again.
9858_02_153-356_r6jm.qxd 9/28/00 3:59 PM Page 245
E Q U I V O C A
L D E A T H
2 4 5
The burst of anger seemed to have energized him. He could feel 1
his self-confidence returning. The situation that had seemed so 2
bleak now seemed entirely manageable. Why already he’d taken 3
steps. Removed Kate Paine from the Thorpe case, started to re-4
sume control. Thorpe was a problem, of course. Mills thought of 5
the horrendous cassette. Madeleine’s secret weapon. That must 6
have been how she’d seen it. Briefly, he wondered where it had 7
come from — from Friedman’s lawyer? from one of her friends? —
8
but none of that mattered now. The only thing that mattered was 9
the future. He’d raised the issue of the tape with Thorpe, hoping 10
for some explanation. But all he’d gotten was blanket denials and 11
improbable speculations. Thorpe knew that Jed Holden would 12
back him. And, unfortunately, Thorpe was right. Jed Holden saw 13
Thorpe as a surrogate son. It was Samson’s job to protect him.
14
And, most especially, it was Carter Mills’s job, thanks to their pri-15
vate “arrangement.”
16
Mills put his head in his hands. How had he ended up here? He’d 17
never seen himself as a man who took risks. But lately, he’d begun 18
to wonder. Why had he selected Kate Paine to go through Mad-19
eleine’s office? If he’d thought about it even an instant, he’d have 20
seen he was tempting fate. And then further back, when he’d 21
started those side deals with Holden. It wasn’t that he’d needed the 22
money. Even before his father died, he’d had more than enough to 23
pay the bills. And further back still, Maria.
24
Why hadn’t he noticed it before, this pattern of seeking out 25
danger? Perhaps because the events were so widely spaced in time.
26
It wasn’t a daily occurrence. Or even a yearly one. Still, these were 27
not the actions of a rational man, of the man that he’d thought he 28
was. His actions seemed to reflect a sort of death wish. A strange 29
urge to self-destruct.
30
Once again, he thought of the photograph. Left as a calling 31
card. He was not a superstitious man. Still, he had a growing con-32
viction that his troubles all stemmed from her. And what of that 33
strange resemblance to Kate Paine. No, not Kate Paine, Madeleine.
34 sh
Not Kate Paine . . .
35 re
9858_02_153-356_r6jm.qxd 9/28/00 3:59 PM Page 246
2 4 6
A M Y G U T M A N
1
That associate, Kate Paine. You hired her, didn’t you? Just look at 2