by Amy Gutman
1
was gone, and she felt unaccountably sad. In her mind, she saw the 2
irate customer, shrieking at the bland-faced clerk. It was then that 3
she understood. It’s not just him. It’s what he represents. We’re all 4
scared at some level, afraid we can’t protect ourselves.
5
And who can blame us, really? Just think about Madeleine. . . .
6
7
8
The subway platform was almost empty. She must have just missed 9
a train. Peering down the tunnel for a sign of light, Kate noticed 10
that her glasses were fogged. She stepped well back on the plat-11
form — out of reach of any lurking psycho who might push her 12
onto the tracks — and reached in her purse for a tissue.
13
As she pulled off her glasses, the subway platform dissolved in a 14
gloomy blur. Hazy dark forms and gray-blue light. She’d almost fin-15
ished with her lenses when a shadow crossed her line of vision. In-16
stantly, Kate’s heart began to race. She couldn’t breathe, couldn’t 17
think. What was happening? What was wrong? Was she having a 18
panic attack?
19
Hurriedly, Kate restored her glasses, looking wildly back and 20
forth. But there was only a woman’s retreating back. A woman in 21
a black wool coat. Kate stared after her for several moments, trying 22
to calm herself. Slowly, the fear subsided.
23
Just a woman in a black wool coat.
24
Still she felt anxious, on edge. Dizzy. Frightened. Confused.
25
How to explain this response? The woman’s figure had triggered 26
something. Brought back a memory.
27
Then, in a flash, it came back.
28
Saturday night. The corridor outside Mills’s office. Then, too, 29
she’d stopped to polish her glasses. And then, too, she’d seen some-30
thing. Just like today. Some shadowy form had appeared, then van-31
ished. Disappeared down the hall . . .
32
Kate stood frozen on the subway platform. An announcement 33
blared from the loudspeaker, but she barely noticed the sound. Her ort 34
whole being was focused on the memory, the thought that had just reg 35
broken through. If she was right — and she was sure that she 9858_02_153-356_r6jm.qxd 9/28/00 3:59 PM Page 303
E Q U I V O C A L D E A T H
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was — then Mills hadn’t been alone that night. It was possible, 1
just possible, that Mills hadn’t killed himself.
2
Impatiently, Kate stepped forward, willing the train to arrive.
3
But as she stared down the looming tunnel, the logic of her 4
thoughts struck home. If Carter Mills hadn’t killed himself, then a 5
murderer was still at large.
6
w
7
Martin Drescher fidgeted with a paper clip, unbending it, then 8
pushing it back. The skin on his face hung in loose gray folds. His 9
eyes were cloudy and inert. Kate wasn’t even sure if he’d been lis-10
tening. But when she stopped, he finally looked up.
11
“But you didn’t have on your glasses,” he said. “And without them 12
you’re virtually blind. That’s what you said yourself.” Drescher’s 13
eyes wandered back to the paper clip. He’d flattened it out on his 14
desk. Now he began to restore its shape.
15
“That’s true,” Kate said. “But I know that someone was there. I 16
just couldn’t see who it was.”
17
“And why didn’t you mention this Saturday night?”
18
“Like I said, I didn’t remember. I was still in shock, I guess.”
19
“So right after it happened, you didn’t remember. Then two days 20
later, you suddenly do. Is that what you’re telling me?” Drescher had 21
adopted the sort of tone that might be used on cross-examination.
22
“That’s right,” Kate said stubbornly. “Saturday night I was in 23
shock. I wasn’t thinking clearly.”
24
“And during this time that you weren’t thinking clearly, you 25
think that you saw something, some sort of blurry figure outside of 26
Carter Mills’s office?”
27
“I was still thinking clearly at that point,” Kate said. “And I 28
know that I saw something.” She refused to let Drescher throw her.
29
What he wanted, Kate knew, was for her to change her story, to ad-30
mit that she might have been mistaken. But as long as she stood 31
her ground, he couldn’t do anything to touch her.
32
Drescher shifted heavily in his chair. Absently, he edged the pa-33
per clip under his left thumbnail. He fiddled with the clip for a mo-34 sh
ment or two, then moved to his index finger. Kate watched him, 35 re
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fascinated. Could he really be cleaning his nails? For some time the 2
room was silent. Then, putting down the paper clip, Drescher was 3
speaking again.
4
“Ms. Paine, I understand your reluctance to believe the truth 5
about Carter Mills. You worked for him. I’m sure you admired him.
6
But you have to accept the facts. Carter Mills killed himself. Be-7
fore that, he killed Madeleine.
8
“Now, I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt. I’m going 9
to assume you believe what you’re telling me. But you’re absolutely 10
wrong. And I have no intention of letting you or anyone put this 11
firm through further disruption. Do I make myself clear?”
12
By the time Drescher finished his speech, Kate was so angry she 13
could barely speak. It was one thing for Drescher to be skeptical.
14
Another for him to stop her from going to the police with what 15
might be evidence of murder. But she wouldn’t lose control again.
16
Biting her lip, she met his eyes.
17
“Perfectly clear,” she said.
18
19
20
Still seething five minutes later, Kate appeared at Justin’s open 21
door. Justin was on the phone. Still talking, he flashed a smile and 22
gestured for her to wait. Kate slouched into the room and flung 23
herself down on a chair. As she stared blankly out the window, ran-24
dom phrases caught her ear: “stockholder class action,” “fraud on 25
the court,” “10b-5 liability.” Simply hearing Justin’s voice seemed 26
to soothe her. She was almost sorry when he hung up.
27
“What’s going on?” he said, giving her a closer look.
28
Kate raised a dismissive hand. “Oh, just the usual,” she said.
29
“Nothing worth discussing.” How many times had she deceived 30
Justin in the past few weeks? By now, she’d almost lost count. But 31
it wouldn’t be fair to involve him. She had to deal with this herself.
32
“So what’s up with you?” she said. “You look pretty busy.”
33
“Just trying to wind up a few things before Wednesday.”
ort 34
“Wednesday?”
reg 35
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“Laura and I are leaving that night. I want to get out of here 1
early.”
2
“Oh. Right.” In the press of events, Kate had forgotten about 3
Justin’s out-of-town tryst. A dull weight settled in her heart. Justin 4
would go off with Laura. And she’d be alone again.
5
“So where are you going?” Kate said, hoping her feelings didn’t 6
show.
7
If he noticed anything amiss, Justin didn’t let on. “Connecticut.
8
Some bed-and-breakfast. I don’t remember where, exactly. Laura 9
made the reservations.”
10
The weight on Kate’s heart increased. She pictured Justin and 11
Laura conferring, making plans for the trip. Justin had a whole life 12
now, a life she knew nothing about. And this was just the begin-13
ning. Moodily, she gazed at a family photograph on the bookshelf 14
next to her chair. Justin sat on a love seat, with one arm around his 15
sister. Behind them stood their parents. Sarah Daniels’s flaxen hair 16
was piled on top of her head. She wore a lavender silk dress and 17
pearls. Next to her was Justin’s professor father, tall and self-18
possessed.
19
Staring at the picture, Kate felt utterly alone. She thought of 20
the lonely little match girl in Hans Christian Andersen’s fairy tale.
21
That was how she felt right now. Normal people had families, 22
people who stood by them and loved them no matter what. But she 23
had no one. She could feel the self-pity seeping in. What had life 24
brought but an unending succession of losses? Sometimes it 25
seemed like she was being punished. Of course, she knew this 26
wasn’t true. The bad things that had happened in her life — her 27
parents’ divorce, her mother’s death, Michael’s betrayal — they 28
really weren’t her fault. But maybe she wanted to believe that they 29
were. To believe that events took place for a reason.
30
“Kate?” Looking up, she met Justin’s eyes.
31
“Sorry. I’m a little distracted.” With one finger, Kate traced the 32
wooden arm of her chair. “Remember in law school when we 33
learned about the rule of reliance? How, even if you don’t have a 34 sh
35 re
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contract, you can still force someone to perform? Like if someone 2
mows your lawn by mistake and you know what they’re doing but 3
let them finish. You know that they expect to be paid. You can’t get 4
out of it by saying you didn’t ask them to do the work.”
5
“Yeah, I remember.” She couldn’t be sure Justin was really lis-6
tening. But, warming to the subject, she didn’t much care. “Well, I 7
think that relationships should be like that, too. Like if you tell 8
someone you love them, you shouldn’t be able just to change your 9
mind. Not if there’s detrimental reliance. Not if the other party —
10
the other person, I mean — has already done something not in 11
their best interest because they believed what you said.”
12
Justin laughed. “Gee, Kate. As a legal matter, I don’t quite see 13
how that would work.”
14
“I’m not saying it would work, ” Kate said, a slight petulance 15
creeping into her voice. “I’m just saying that it’s how things should 16
be. In an ideal world. If life were fair.”
17
“So I guess you’re not a big fan of no-fault divorce?”
18
Kate shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe in the real world it has to 19
be that way. But that doesn’t mean it’s right. People should do 20
what they say they’ll do. They shouldn’t just be able to change 21
their minds. To pretend that the past never happened.”
22
Justin was covertly eyeing the stack of documents on his desk.
23
“I should go,” Kate said. But she really didn’t feel like moving.
24
Instead, she remained in her chair, her eyes fixed on Justin’s face.
25
He looked tired today; he probably hadn’t gotten much sleep. But 26
he was willing to indulge her, to be there if she needed to talk.
27
For a moment, Kate felt like crying. A swell of emotions stirred 28
in her chest: Gratitude, sadness, yearning, and another feeling she 29
couldn’t quite name. It was an old feeling, a sensation almost for-30
gotten. Pleasurable but also frightening. A feeling that seemed 31
equally equipped to save or destroy her. And then, with a start, she 32
knew what it was.
33
Love.
ort 34
Kate looked at Justin, stunned. The familiar curve of his cheek.
reg 35
The faint lines around his eyes. Warmth flooded through her body.
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It was like something was melting or breaking in her chest, some-1
thing she hadn’t even known was there. Kate felt her lips curve 2
into a smile. She almost laughed out loud. Why hadn’t she real-3
ized? Why hadn’t she seen it before? The world seemed to resolve 4
into a single thought, a single realization. She was in love with 5
Justin.
6
“You know, I should really get back to work. Laura’s going to kill 7
me if I have to stay late on Wednesday.”
8
Like a punctured balloon, Kate felt herself spiraling down back 9
to earth. What had she been thinking? Justin was happy now.
10
Happy with someone else. Looking down at her lap, Kate thought 11
of another fairy tale, the little mermaid who’d loved the prince. In 12
exchange for a human form, she gave up her tongue and the power 13
of speech. She also accepted unending pain: every time she took a 14
step it felt as though knives were piercing her feet. And still she 15
didn’t get the prince. He married another mortal.
16
Abruptly, Kate rose from her chair. “So I should get going,” she 17
said.
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Tuesday, January 26
2
3
Detective Cathy Valencia squinted
at the fluorescent numbers on 4
the radio alarm clock: 3:12 a.m. She was usually a heavy sleeper, 5
but lately her nights had been fitful. Now she felt wide awake. Slip-6
ping out from under her sleeping husband’s arm, Valencia climbed 7
out of bed.
8
Downstairs, the kitchen was warm and quiet. Valencia put on a 9
kettle of water, then sat down at the dining table. She fished a copy 10
of Glamour from under a pile of newspapers and began to flip 11
through its pages. She never thought much about her appearance, 12
as long as she was neat and clean. She’d loved those early days on 13
the force when she hadn’t had to think what to wear. Half asleep, 14
she’d pull on her uniform. In minutes, she’d be on her way. Still, it 15
was strangely soothing to look through fashion magazines. To study 16
the too-thin models, with their vacant eyes. Perhaps she envied ort 17
their apparent ability not to care about anything at all. She had al-reg 18
ways cared too much.
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The kettle had begun to whistle. Valencia turned off the burner.
1
She dumped a packet of fat-free instant cocoa into a mug im-2
printed with the words “Save the Humans.” Then she filled the 3
mug with hot water, stirred, and went back to her chair to sit 4
down. Sipping the hot drink, she felt a heavy softness press against 5
her leg. “Why, hello there, Mr. P.” Valencia reached down and 6
stroked the cat’s silky back before pulling him up to her lap. He was 7
a fine fat tom with an orange-brown coat. His name — short for 8
Mr. Potatohead — came courtesy of her three-year-old niece. For a 9
long moment, the cat’s yellow eyes gazed up at her face. Then he 10
circled once around, plunked down on her thighs, and was in-11
stantly fast asleep. If only she could learn his secret!
12
After another sip of cocoa, Valencia leaned back in the chair 13
and closed her eyes, willing her mind to be silent. But her brain 14
just wouldn’t shut up. Once again, her thoughts moved back to 15
Samson & Mills. For days now, she’d tried to forget. After all, the 16
cases were closed; they’d received exceptional clearance. Still, Va-17
lencia couldn’t get over the feeling that facts had been overlooked.
18
In the clutter of papers before her, Valencia came up with a 19
notepad and pen. She opened the notepad to the first blank page 20
and drew a straight line down the middle. She labeled the two 21
columns “Pro” and “Con.” Then, frowning, she tore out the sheet 22