A Flawed Heart

by April Emerson

  We step inside the elevator and Jason pulls me into him. He kisses my neck, and my icy skin catches fire with his touch. I sigh as his hands slide down my sides and rest against my thighs. I part my lips, asking for him to kiss me, and he does. His hand cups my chin and he squeezes his eyes shut. The passion he feels for me is evident in his expression and the way his lips dominate mine. I want to satisfy my craving for his touch. I grip his tie in my fist, and pull him even closer just as the elevator dings.

  “Are you feeling better?” he asks.

  “I am now.”

  We untangle ourselves from one another, and walk down the hall toward Jason’s studio. He searches for his key and opens the door.

  “Wait here.” He returns quickly, holding a balled up piece of fabric, which I assume is a blanket. He carefully wraps the champagne bottle and the flutes in the blanket and hands it to me. The bolt clicks shut as he turns the key again, then leans his shoulder against it and grins at me.

  “Why do we need a blanket?”

  “You’ll see.”

  He throws his arm over my shoulder, tucking me against him, and we walk away from the studio toward a steel door that reads “Stair B.” The stairwell is dimly lit and Jason ascends the stairs rapidly and elegantly. I take careful steps behind him in my high heels. We reach a landing, and are confronted with a steep and rickety ladder, which leads to hatch in the ceiling. Stenciled on the hatch in white letters are the words “Roof Access.”

  “I don’t think I can climb this,” I say shaking my head in refusal. Fear of my ever-present clumsiness overrides any fantasies of being with Jason on the roof.

  “Sure you can.”

  He takes the blanket from me and places it on the floor beside him, then bends down on one knee and looks into my eyes. I forget to breathe and cannot speak. I’m lost in Jason’s gaze. His eyes hold a million untold secrets, and I want nothing more than to know what he’s thinking right now. He opens his mouth as if he’s about to say something, but then grins and looks down. I feel his hands begin to caress my calf, and then I realize what he’s trying to do. My shoes are removed from my feet, and I feel his breath against my knees. A sudden rush of desire courses through me as I envision Jason’s head buried between my legs.

  He stands and smiles. I can’t describe how sexy Jason looks in his dress shirt with my strappy shoes dangling from his hand.

  “Up you go.” He gestures for me to climb the ladder.

  “Shouldn’t you go first?”

  “Oh, definitely not. I’ll be able to keep you safe this way. And I’ll get a much better view.” He grabs a hold of my ass.

  I swat his hand away and begin to climb. I unlatch the hook on the hatch and flip it open. Jason pushes me up and I crawl out on to the roof. I stand there barefoot and blink my eyes as they slowly adjust to the dark. I begin to discriminate shapes, and smile at what I see. The entire Manhattan skyline is visible from here—the Chrysler building, the Empire State Building…all of it.

  He rises out of the hatch and places my shoes in front of me so that I can step into them.

  “Aidan and I used to come up here to get drunk and write music, but he hasn’t come up here in forever. We don’t have yards in Brooklyn; roofs are the next best thing.”

  There are empty beer bottles and a million cigarette butts, so it’s obvious that someone uses this place. Jason sweeps the garbage to the side with his foot, positions the champagne bottle between his knees, and twists the top. I watch how the muscles in his forearms flex as he wrestles the cork from the neck of the bottle. Champagne spurts out, and he fills the flutes. He hands one to me, and then spreads the blanket. He lies down and places one hand behind his head and eyes the space next to him.

  I lean back next to Jason and snuggle into his warm, hard body. My eyes drift upward and I gasp. I can actually see stars punctuating the sky. They twinkle and shimmer, and I feel as if I could touch them if I reached my hand out far enough. The moon is a delicate, silver sliver on the horizon.

  “I haven’t seen the stars since I was in Savannah.” A sudden pang of homesickness pricks my heart. I miss the summer nights of my childhood…catching fireflies with my dad…my mother’s voice. My chest turns to lead and the pang becomes a steady pain and a fugitive tear escapes my eye.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing. I just miss my family. Talking to Daniel—seeing Lydia’s sculptures—and now this beautiful sky. I don’t know. It all makes me miss my mom…and my dad.”

  “We can visit Savannah anytime, babe. We can go for Christmas,” he offers.

  I nod and brush the tears away, feeling silly for getting so emotional. I finish my champagne and Jason does the same, then he places our empty glasses on the roof.

  “I didn’t bring you here to make you sad. I brought you here to make you happy. Please don’t cry.”

  I grip his jaw and pull his face into me, then kiss him with passion. The highly charged emotions from the evening explode from my body. I slip my leg over his hip and squeeze him into me. He returns my invitation, and grinds his hips into me. His erection presses right at my center, and my thin, lace panties don’t provide much of a barrier against his weapon. Tiny waves of increasing pleasure flood through me as he grinds his cock against my clit. He threads his hand in my hair, and his thumb presses against my jaw. The gentle pressure causes my mouth to open even further for him. He completely claims me with his kiss, his tongue swirling against mine. He kisses my neck, and my back arches as he licks and nibbles the sensitive skin.

  “That feels so good.”

  He thrusts his hips harder as I speak, and the friction causes me to cry out. I dig my fingernails into his back as he slides down my body. He grabs the hem of my dress and slips it up over my stomach and out of his way. Then he hooks his long fingers into my panties and yanks them down my legs. He parts his supple lips and spreads my legs, then, finally, he gives me the contact I’ve been craving. He slides his tongue between my lips. I gasp at the sensation and look down to see his gorgeous hair stirring between my legs. He moves his lips to my clit and sucks it as he slides and pulses his fingers inside of me. He moans again and again as he tastes me, and I relish the way the vibration feels against my sensitive skin.

  “Shit…” I grip and pull on his hair, forcing his face even deeper between my legs. The pleasure he’s making me feel makes me abandon all of my inhibitions. I grind myself against him, and my face gets hot as I feel climax approaching. He pulls away and kneels before me again. His face glistens and he licks his lips. His hands shake as he struggles to open his belt and then he unleashes his enormous hard-on. It bobs in the air on front of me and I groan in anticipation.

  He retrieves a condom from his back pocket, tears it open with his teeth, and then enters me without warning. I gasp as he fills me. Without hesitation, I wrap my legs around him, binding his body to mine. After several quick and rough thrusts, he slows his pace and his tongue tangles with mine. Between kisses he mutters incoherent, but sexy ramblings. “So fucking good…I love you so much…so God damn sexy, Claire…oh, fuck…”

  He reaches back and grabs my knee, holding my leg as he thrusts. Sweat begins to spread on his skin, and I bite my lip as I feel myself about to break into tiny shards of ecstasy.

  “Claire, baby, I want you to…”

  At his words my head spins, and I gasp for air as my vision clouds. I feel my body weight shift and before I know what’s happened, he’s on his back and I’m straddling him. My face is pressed against his chest and he strokes my hair. His cock is still hard inside me and I know that he hasn’t come yet. He rocks his hips as I regain my senses. I put my hands at either side of his face and sit back, pressing my wet slit all the way down around his hard-on. My hair dangles in his face and he hisses as I swivel my hips. He reaches up and pulls down my dress. The fabric falls away and my nipples harden in the cool air. He sits up and his greedy mouth sucks and licks at my breasts. He bites at my nipple and flicks it with his ton
gue. I arch my back and begin to grind into him harder, closing my eyes as I focus on the sensation of Jason’s mouth on my body. He grips my ass with both hands and squeezes as I hold onto his forearms to steady myself. He looks up at me and his tongue protrudes from between his teeth. He spanks me twice, and I whimper as our eyes lock. The way he looks at me makes me tingle and crumble at the same time. My knees scrape against the roof, but the uncomfortable pinching is no match for the unspeakable pleasure I feel with Jason inside of me. My breasts bounce as his hips make rough thrusts.

  “Ah…Claire…fuck…” He moans and curses. I reach back and place my hand on his thigh to steady myself. He pumps into me like a jackrabbit, then tenses and comes, squeezing my thigh as he does. He pulls me down to rest on top of him and we lie together, under the stars, exhausted and satisfied. A serene smile resides on his lips.

  “That was fucking unbelievable.” He kisses me as his hands slide through my hair, and I find myself wishing that this moment would never end.

  My love for Jason feels like a weight pressed against me, as if my chest is caving in. The panic I felt earlier this evening after speaking to Daniel and seeing Lydia’s sculptures has returned, and I realize the reason why I feel so uneasy. How long can this happiness last? How much longer will I get to feel this?

  He stands up and puts his pants on, as I readjust my dress. I avoid his gaze.

  “What are you thinking?” he asks.

  “What do you see when you think about your life?” I answer his question with a question of my own.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, when you think about the future…wherever you are…am I there, too?”

  He pulls out a cigarette and lights it. Smoke floats and snakes through the air above us, casting a thin veil over the starlit sky. He’s quiet and thoughtful and doesn’t answer right away. His silence makes me anxious, but I don’t press him.

  “I would love nothing more than to continue to be with you…” he pauses.

  A chill of terror roars up my spine. “And?” I prompt him.

  “But…” he continues.

  “But what?”

  “It’s no secret that I’m damaged, and you’ve certainly helped me with that. I’m a far better person now than I was before we found each other. I just wonder if it’s fair to you…being with me. I don’t want to weigh you down. Sometimes, I wonder if you deserve more than I can give you. Maybe there’s someone out there who might be able to make you happier than I can. So, when I think about the future…I don’t know what I see.”

  “What is that supposed to mean?”

  “Relax. I’m just thinking out loud.”

  “I love you. How could you say that to me? Don’t you feel the same? Don’t you love me back? What has this all been about, Jason?” I feel my throat closing with panic.

  “Of course I love you. Claire, I love you more that you can possibly imagine.”

  “Then why are you saying this? I can’t see myself without you—ever. How can you say it wouldn’t be ‘fair’? How do you think that makes me feel? Why were you so hot about me moving in with you if you don’t see us together in the future?”

  “I said it might be better for you. Fuck, I don’t know what I’m saying. Just forget it, forget I said it.”

  “How can I just pretend like you didn’t say that? I’m putting myself out there right now. How can you hurt me like this?”

  I grab my shoes. Tears betray me by pouring out of my eyes. I feel as if I’ve been stabbed in the heart. He struggles to stand as I make my way to the hatch.

  “Claire, don’t leave. I don’t know what I’m saying.”

  “Please, don’t follow me.” My voice cracks.

  I step down the ladder, and see Jason raking his hands over his face through my tear filled eyes. I stumble down the hall, and once I’m inside the elevator my shoulders shake as tears stream down my face. I feel like I can’t breathe. I made myself vulnerable and instead of reassuring me like I thought he would, he slams me with doubt and admits he can’t see a future for us. I crash through the front door of the building and race down the block, letting out a sob as I reach the corner.

  “Claire? Is that you?”

  I turn around and find Tony standing right in front of me.

  “Claire, are you okay?”

  “No. I am definitely not okay,” I say, not bothering to wipe my mascara-streaked cheeks.

  He steps toward me. His face is wrought with concern and he places his hands on my shoulders. “Is there anything I can do?” he asks.

  I’m suddenly overcome with the need to have a friend—a shoulder to cry on. “I think I just need someone to talk to.”

  “Come on. Let’s get you home.”

  We enter our building and stop on Tony’s landing. “Come inside. I’ll make you some tea or something.”

  I sit down at his kitchen table.

  “What happened? Was it Jason? Did he hurt you?”

  I smile in spite of myself at how true this statement is. “No. He just…he said some things I didn’t want to hear.”

  “Like what?”

  “He said he feels like there’s probably a guy out there who could treat me better than he can. He thinks I deserve more.”

  “Well, sounds like he finally got something right.”

  Tony’s words sting and he backtracks when he sees he’s hurt me. “I’m sorry. I think that came out wrong. I mean, it’s not exactly a secret that I’m attracted to you, but it’s obvious how much you care for Taylor—and how much he cares for you. Claire, I have to be honest with you—I’m not thrilled with the fact that you’re taken, but I’m actually glad about one thing…”

  “What’s that?”

  “I’m glad you’re with someone who’s so in love with you. I’ve seen the way he looks at you. It’s like you’re the only person in the room—like you’re the only person on the entire planet.”

  I feel the tears begin to flood again. Tony lifts my chin with his finger, forcing me to look up into his brown eyes. “If Jason said those things to you, it’s because he feels unworthy of your love—not because he doesn’t love you. Maybe he’s just trying to push you away. Maybe he’s afraid. I know he’s suffered a loss before, maybe he said what he did because he can’t bear to go through that again. I don’t know for sure why he said it, but I do know that he’s in love with you and I know that you love him, too. I’m jealous of the guy, but I’ve made my peace with it. I want you to be happy. I know you may not feel happy right now, but I know Jason wants to be the one to make you feel that way. Maybe you should take it easy on him. I don’t think he meant to hurt you.”

  Tony’s words seem heartfelt. I feel a wave of warmth wash over me. I stand and lean my head against his shoulder and wrap my arms around his waist. He smells like soap and cologne…so different from Jason. Jason’s whole body feels like home to me. This feels so strange and foreign. I feel Tony’s arm slide up my back and he begins to rub my shoulder. A touch like this from Jason would send me into a spiral of pleasure, but sitting here with Tony, I feel nothing. His arms tighten around me and I feel him kiss my forehead, and then my cheek. I pull away from him.

  “I have to go. Thanks for the talk, but I have to go.”

  He lets out a frustrated sigh. “Okay. I’m always here…if you need me.”

  “Thanks.”

  I run out of Tony’s place and fumble in my purse for my cell phone. Of course, there are several missed calls and all of them are from Jason. I dial him back and he answers right away.

  “Where are you?” he sounds worried and relieved at the same time.

  “I’m at home. Where are you?” I ask.

  “I’m double parked out front. Please just come down and let me explain,” he begs.

  “I’ll be right there,” I answer and hang up.

  As I exit the building, Jason’s car sits underneath a streetlight. I run over to the Charger, open the car door, and slide into the passenger seat. He doesn
’t look at me. His hands grip the wheel as if he’s driving, but the car is off, the engine cold. His leg shakes with what I can only assume is anxiety.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey.” I wring my hands together and finger the edge of my dress.

  “Where were you? I called Lydia. She said you weren’t home.”

  “Uh…I ran into Tony.”

  He jerks his head in my direction. “What?”

  “I ran into Tony. He saw I was crying, so I went up to his apartment for a minute.”

  His hands ball into fists, and he pulls back and punches his dashboard with so much force the car shakes. “Are you fucking kidding me right now? You went to his fucking apartment?”

  I flinch. “Nothing happened. We just talked.”

  He grabs the door handle and I know that if he leaves this car, Tony will end up in the hospital. I grab his elbow and use all of my strength to keep him from leaving. It’s no easy feat.

  “Please just wait a minute! Fucking calm down and listen, will you?”

  After a struggle, he relaxes back into his seat but his posture is still tense. “Talk,” he commands.

  “I was upset. He listened. That’s it.”

  “You could have fucking talked to me instead of running into the arms of that punk.”

  “Maybe I would’ve talked to you if you hadn’t been such an asshole on the roof! You’ve got a lot of nerve right now. You’re the reason I was upset. And for your information, Tony was defending you.”

  “I didn’t realize I couldn’t talk to you about how I feel, Claire. Am I supposed to walk on eggshells with you, or can I be fucking honest?”

  His words cut into my heart. I want to scream. I want to hit something. I want to hit him. Without thinking, I raise my hand and swing it at Jason’s face. Before I can make contact, he grabs my wrist. His mouth is gaped open with shock. My need to find a target for my rage is still not satisfied. I futilely struggle to free my wrist, and then raise my other hand to try to strike him again. I want him to feel my frustration. I want him to know how much he’s hurting me.

  “Baby, stop.” He grabs my other wrist and pulls my body over the console and into his lap. I struggle against him. His eyes no longer hold anger, but sympathy.