Waiting

by Ha Jin

  Down below, along the brick wall behind the hospital, a man and a woman were strolling eastward despite the cold weather. Both of them wore uniforms; the man was a head taller than the woman, who looked rather small and delicate. Every once in a while she would run a few steps to catch up with him. They looked familiar to Lin. Lin strained his eyes to make out who they were, but his sight failed him. It occurred to him that the rule that prohibited two people of opposite sex from walking together outside the wall had been almost abandoned in the past year. Few leaders would now bother to criticize young men and women who walked in pairs outside the compound. He had heard that some nurses had even gone into the woods with their patients. Yet somehow to him and Manna, there still seemed to be a wall around them. They had never walked together outside the hospital since they were married, and Manna still could not ride a bicycle.

  A moment later Lin stood up and whisked the snow off his lap with the mittens. Instead of going up to the summit, he turned back at the middle of the slope, coming down slowly, weak at the knees. A few goats were bleating from the birch woods on the left; a line of cow dung dotted the white road, still sending up curls of steam. Up on the slope a cart was climbing toward the hilltop, its iron-rimmed wheels rattling away on pebbles and ice. Down there, at the foot of the hill, a tiny whirlwind was hurling dried leaves along the bank of the frozen brook, swirling away toward the vast field studded with corn stubble.

  He reached home twenty minutes later. On opening the door, he was suddenly nauseated by the smell of rice vinegar, which had been blown into the air to deactivate the flu virus and which, before now, had always been pleasant to his nose. Manna came and told him in a soft voice that lunch was in the bamboo steamer on the cooking range. She had made noodles and fried some soy paste. But he didn’t go to the kitchen. Instead, he went into the bedroom, flopped down on the camp bed, and pulled a blanket over his face. The bedsprings under him creaked as he turned now and then.

  Manna began sobbing. For a while he didn’t want to comfort her, for fear that he might join her in weeping if he tried. But a moment later he pulled himself together, got out of bed, and went up to her. Sitting down beside her, he put his arm around her shoulders and said, “Come, stop now, dear. You’ve cried enough. It’s bad for your health.” For the first time he felt she was as fragile as though her bones might fall apart at any moment. His heart was again filled with sadness and compassion. He kissed her cheek.

  She raised her eyes and said with shame, “I was nasty. Can you forgive me?”

  “Forget about it, darling. I should have been more careful.”

  “Say you forgive me.”

  “It wasn’t your fault.”

  “Just say it!”

  “I forgive you.”

  “Please eat lunch.”

  “I’m not hungry.”

  “Please eat.”

  “All right, if you say so.” He tried to smile, but the effort distorted his face, which he turned aside to avoid being noticed. He got up and went to the kitchen.

  12

  “Why don’t you escape?” That question came to Lin’s mind now and then.

  He couldn’t help forming imaginary plans—withdrawing all the 900 yuan from his savings account, sneaking away at night to the train station, using an alias from now on, restarting his life in a remote town where no one knew him. Ideally he’d like to work as a librarian. But in the depths of his heart he knew he would have been weighed down with remorse if he had abandoned his family to seek his own happiness. Wherever he had gone, the hound of his conscience would have hunted him down.

  When the Spring Festival was at hand, Manna said to him, “Why don’t you take something to Shuyu before the holiday? Just to see how she’s doing.”

  “Why do you want me to do that?” He was surprised.

  “She must be lonely, no family around except Hua. Besides, don’t you miss them?”

  “All right, I’ll go see them.”

  At first he thought perhaps Manna had suggested the visit because her illness had softened her feelings, or because she knew that the twins might depend on Hua and Shuyu’s help in the future. Then he wondered, Isn’t Manna a lonely woman herself? Did she imply that she didn’t feel as lonely as Shuyu because she had a family intact? Can my role as a husband make such a difference? Do most married women feel the same way?

  To some extent, he was eager to see how Shuyu was getting on, though he had heard from Hua that she was well. Her sciatica was greatly alleviated by hot baths she often took in the match plant. But his daughter had also told him that sometimes her mother missed their home village. Shuyu would say, “I’m like an old tree that can’t be moved to another place.” She made Hua promise that next April the two of them would go back to Goose Village to sweep the graves of Lin’s parents. Despite complaining, she enjoyed her life in the city.

  Two days before the Spring Festival, Lin put into a duffel bag four frozen mackerel and a bundle of garlic stems, both of which had been allocated to their family by the hospital for the holiday, and he was ready to set off for the Splendor Match Plant. As he was leaving, Manna got up from the bed and gazed at him. He had on his fur hat, with its earflaps tied around his chin, and his hands in leather gloves were holding the handlebars of their Peacock bicycle, which was an economical brand, the only one that didn’t require a coupon at the time. Manna’s eyes were glowing and wide open as though unable to close. She bent down and kissed the elder baby River, who was sleeping with his brother Lake in the suspended crib.

  “Be careful,” she said to Lin.

  “I will.”

  “Come back early. I’ll wait for you.”

  “Sure, I’ll be home for dinner.”

  It was half past four in the afternoon and traffic was surging in the city. The sky was overcast with gray clouds and smog. One after another lights flickered on in the two- and three-story buildings on Spring Street, along which Lin bicycled. He was going to the city’s west end. The tops of the houses, covered with red pantiles and ice, turned murky in the dusk, and the road was slippery with the snow pressed hard by carts and automobiles. He told himself not to pedal fast. A week ago a girl had been killed by a truck while bicycling on this very street.

  When he arrived at the plant, it was already dark; all the houses had their lights on. Without difficulty he found Unit 12, which had been assigned to Hua recently and was in the middle of a dormitory house. Hearing his daughter singing from inside, he didn’t knock on the door. He couldn’t make out what she was singing, perhaps a dance song.

  It had begun to snow lightly. From a tall smokestack in the south, a loudspeaker was announcing the evening news after the music of “The East Is Red, the Sun Is Rising.” Outside the plant a few firecrackers exploded on the balconies of some residential buildings.

  Uncertain whether he should go in, he remained at the window, whose panes had almost frosted over. He bent forward and looked in with one eye through an uncovered spot. Inside, Shuyu, in a white apron and a green cotton-padded jacket, looked healthy and happy. Mother and daughter were making pies together. A round bamboo grid on a kneading bowl held three rows of pies. Hua was rolling out the dough with a wooden pin, while her mother was using a spoon to stuff the pies with sugared red-bean paste. Shuyu looked younger now, somewhat urbanized; she reminded Lin of a professional cook. For some reason he was overwhelmed by the peaceful scene, and his throat tightened. He straightened up, looked around, and saw a few white cloth sacks, which must have been filled with frozen dumplings and pies, hanging outside some windows of another dormitory house. He remembered that back in their home village each family would make thousands of pies and dumplings at the end of the year and have them frozen in the storehouse, so that they wouldn’t have to spend a lot of time preparing meals during the holiday season. Winter was the time to relax and enjoy themselves, and many men would gamble and get drunk every day.

  Should he go in? He remembered that a few months ago a retired official h
ad died of a stroke while getting together with his former family. The old man had left his home village with the Communist army in the fall of 1943 and later divorced his wife when he became a middle-ranking official in Harbin. Forty years later, when he retired and went back to visit his home village, he found his former wife still waiting for him and their four children already raising their own families. Overwhelmed by the family gathering, which consisted of sixteen members of three generations, the old man had a stroke at the dinner table and died two days later.

  Now, standing outside the apartment, Lin was afraid he might not be able to control his emotions if he went in. So he left the duffel bag on the briquets piled beside the door. But before he could move away, the bag fell to the ground, together with a thick bunch of frozen scallions that had hung above the coal.

  “Who is it?” Hua cried from inside.

  The door opened. “Dad! Come in.” She turned around and shouted, “Mom, my dad is here.”

  Shuyu came out, rubbing her floury hands. “Don’t stand in the snow. Come on in,” she said with a broad smile, as though he had returned from a long trip.

  Lin locked the bicycle and went in. The room was so warm he took off his hat and glasses, which misted up instantly. He kept wiping the lenses with his thumb and forefinger.

  Both Shuyu and Hua urged him to get on the brick bed, which was shiny and well heated, so he unlaced his boots and climbed on it. He crossed his legs, covered them with a small quilt, then removed his jacket. In no time Shuyu placed a large mug of black tea on the low table before him. She said, “Drink this to warm yourself up. It’s so cold outside.”

  Sitting on the brick bed made him feel cozy. How he would like to lie down and warm his back for a while. He was tired, and the feeling of being at home moved him as he sipped the tea and listened to his wife and daughter talking in the kitchen and cooking dinner.

  His heart was full, and he was breathing heavily. He looked around and saw four Spring Festival pictures on the walls, similar to those in their village home and each having at least one fat baby and a pair of giant peaches in it. The thought came to him that Shuyu and Hua could live quite well without him. This realization saddened him and made him feel like a good-for-nothing. “I’m a superfluous man,” he muttered. That was a phrase he had read in a Russian novel long ago. The author’s name escaped him.

  He tried to recall the holidays in recent years and found himself at a loss—not a single one of them was distinguishable from the rest. He couldn’t say that he had ever had a happy Spring Festival since he left Goose Village. His mind shifted from holidays to love, which perplexed him more because he had never spent a day with a woman he loved wholeheartedly—no, there had not been such a woman in his life and that emotion had been alien to him. Yet one thing he was certain about now: between love and peace of mind he would choose the latter. He would prefer a peaceful home. What was better than a place where you could sit down comfortably, read a book, and have a good meal and an unbroken sleep? Deep in his heart he knew this was merely wishful thinking, because soon he would have to return to Manna and their babies in the other home. He closed his eyes. What a mess he had made of his life and the lives of others!

  Dinner was ready. Hua put on the table a cabbage salad mixed with cellophane noodles, a plate of stewed chicken, a small basket of fried pies made of glutinous-rice flour, and a casserole of sauerkraut and pork and tiny shrimps. Shuyu opened a bottle of wheat liquor and poured a full cup for Lin, telling him, “Bensheng asked Second Donkey to bring this bottle for you when he came to town.”

  “When did Second Donkey come?”

  “Last week. He was here with his son Handong to buy a used truck. He’s so rich now he wants to start a hauling business.”

  “How’s Bensheng doing?”

  “He’s fine. Second Donkey says he envies you a lot.”

  “Your brother envies me?”

  “Yes. Bensheng said, ‘How come all good things happen to Lin? Why am I never that lucky? He has the best education, a high rank, and three kids.’ ”

  “Why did he say that? Didn’t he make a lot of money from his grocery store?”

  “Don’t know. Second Donkey said Bensheng burst into tears when he heard you got two sons. Never so jealous.”

  Lin raised his head, facing the sloped ceiling. He thought, How we’re each sequestered in our own suffering! He turned to his daughter. “Get two more cups, Hua.”

  “We have only one cup, Dad.” But she went out into the kitchen anyway.

  “We have more good news,” Shuyu said.

  “What?”

  “Hua’s boyfriend, Fengjin, is going to leave the navy soon. He’ll come here and join her. He wants to be engaged. Lin, in a few years we’ll become grandparents, and our family is going to get bigger.”

  “Mom, don’t talk about that please,” Hua cut in, having returned with two small bowls.

  Shuyu’s words made Lin want to smile and weep at the same time. He closed his eyes for a few seconds, then he poured some liquor into the bowls and said, “We should all drink for this family reunion.”

  “Happy holiday!” Hua said to him.

  They clinked the cup and bowls and drank. Shuyu said to him, “Try a pie and see how good we made it.” With her chopsticks she put one of the two chicken legs in his bowl.

  As he was eating, he remembered that this was the first time he had celebrated the Spring Festival with Shuyu and Hua, if he could call this a celebration. The holiday was still two days away. Every winter he had stayed at the hospital, and he had always returned home in summer. This memory upset him. Somehow he wished Shuyu and Hua had hated him and barred him from this home. That might have made him feel better, at least less attached to them. It was harder to bear their kindness.

  He drank one cup after another, as though wanting to numb his mind and make himself forgetful.

  “Dad, don’t drink too much. You’ll get drunk,” his daughter said.

  Shuyu glared at Hua, as if saying, Shut up, girl!

  “I’ll be all r-right,” he said, raising his cup again.

  Soon he was unable to control his emotions. He felt pathetic, eager to say something that could make them understand him, but his tongue seemed no longer his own.

  He grabbed Shuyu’s hand and said tearfully, “Sweetheart, I didn’t mean to hurt you. Can, can you forgive me?”

  “All right.”

  “I’m a bad, bad man, sweetheart.”

  “No, you’re a good man.”

  “Oh, I don’t want to be a good man. I just want to be a normal man.”

  “All right, you’re not a good man then.” Shuyu couldn’t stop her tears by now, because this was the first time he had ever said an endearment to her.

  “Don’t, don’t cry, dear,” he went on. Somehow his vision blurred, and he saw Manna weeping before him, together with his sons. He rubbed his eyes and they vanished.

  “I’m so happy, Lin, at last you came home,” Shuyu said and glanced at their daughter, whose eyes were traveling between her parents’ faces. Shuyu believed that now he was showing his true feeling about her, because a man would speak his heart when drunk.

  “Oh, I was so stupid.” He turned to his daughter. “You know, Hua, Manna will die soon. She’s a goner. Ah, she isn’t a bad woman, but her heart can’t last long.”

  “Daddy, stop please!”

  “All right, all right, I’ll shut up.” But he embraced Shuyu with one arm, touching her face with his free hand, and asked, “Is that you, Shuyu?”

  “Yes, it’s me, your wife Shuyu.”

  “Sweetheart, will you wait for me? I’ll come back to you soon. We are still, still one family, aren’t we? Don’t leave me. Manna’s going to die in a year or two. Oh what—what should I do about the twins?”

  “Please, don’t talk like this. Don’t worry your head about that.”

  “Will you help me?”

  “All right, we’ll help you, I promise. Don’t be so upset.
” She turned to Hua and ordered, “Get a bowl of vinegar, quick. Your dad is real drunk.”

  He went on, “My dear, I’m so sad. My heart is so full, about to burst. I can’t stand this damn life anymore!”

  They made him drain a bowl of diluted vinegar. He fell on the warmer end of the brick bed, and an instant later began snoring tremulously. Having covered him with a thin cotton quilt, Shuyu told Hua, “Go call the hospital and let that woman know your dad is too drunk to go back tonight.”

  Wrapping a scarf around her head, Hua rushed out into the rustling snow. She ran toward the guard office, which had a telephone.

  After breakfast with Shuyu and Hua, Lin returned to the hospital, his footsteps still infirm because of the hangover. Manna was relieved to see him back, saying, “You should’ve taken care not to drink too much. You’re no longer a young man.”

  “I’m sorry.” He put on the table the duffel bag, stuffed with hazelnuts and chestnuts.

  “I only slept two hours last night. How I worried!” she said.

  “I didn’t mean to stay there. I left the fish and the garlic stems at their door, but Hua saw me before I could leave.”

  “How are they?”

  “They’re doing well, better than in the village.”

  “That’s good to know.”

  Since the babies were sleeping, Lin and Manna began to prepare for the holiday. She stewed pork feet and a hen to make aspic, while he took their kettle out to do some scouring and descaling at the faucet. As the aluminum pot was boiling, Manna put roasted peanuts and sundry candies into two cookie boxes for the people who would come to pay them a holiday visit the next morning.

  Hua came early in the afternoon. She looked so happy that even her eyes seemed to be smiling. While Lin and Manna were cleaning the home, Hua looked after the twins, humming a folk song to them and telling them the story of a big gray wolf and two little lambs, as though they could understand her. The room was filled with the babies’ prattle and laughter. Hua cut a rooster and a prancing cat out of red paper, showed them to the babies, then pasted them on two windowpanes. Manna was pleased with the paper-cuts, which made their home more festive, especially to the eyes looking from the street.