Fighting to Stay (Fighting Madly Book 2)

by Ziegler, S. L.

  “You know, I don’t think your guys’ shit is over yet.” Gus takes a swig of his drink.

  “Why would you say that? When I came back last time, at least I got some passion out of her. Most of the time it was yelling, but it was something. I would take it over what this shit is. Now she just looks through me.” Like I’m a damn window, only in her way.

  “I didn’t say you guys are going to get back together. I don’t know that shit. But you could rebuild a friendship.”

  “I can’t do just a friendship with her.” I can’t—not when all I see when I look at her is what we shared, how she was fucking perfect next to me.

  “That may be your only option left. Listen, I’m going to head out. I have to catch my flight. Tell Hadley I’ll call her later.” And with a slap on my shoulder, Gus leaves me alone, wanting to cry in my damn beer as I stare over at Hadley.

  What I saw wasn’t her in love, but at first I thought it was because I’ve never seen her that free before—I’d held her back. Hadley on that street was happy and healthy by herself and when she looks my way across the patio and offers a smile—a fucking small-ass one, but a smile—that damn sign flashes in my brain again.

  I know that what I did, what I hid from her, wasn’t right. I can’t lie and tell myself I only did it for her now. I didn’t just break her trust, I threw a fucking grenade on everything she was and it blew up in her face because I didn’t want to show her the bad that lives in me, the awful part of the life I lived when she wasn’t in it.

  I did nothing to put Hadley back together after that. She did it without me, without her family, the ones she thought she always needed. She did it.

  With my best damn intentions, I swear to myself right here, I will be her friend if she wants that. I will build that trust back up. I will earn it. I will get it. And afterwards, I’ll get her back, because we belong together for all of this life with nothing hidden between us.

  No one will take her spot. Hadley’s my place. Now I need for her to get that too.

  A drunk Matt I can handle. A Matt wasted, not so much. He talks more and more out of his ass with each drink he orders. With each drink he pounds down, more useless words come out. He fell deep for some girl when I was gone, and now the poor sap can’t figure out his feelings enough to make any sense of what his heart says. I talked to Matt almost every day and he only ever mentioned some new girl, Stephanie, at work. She annoyed the shit out of him, but he never told me Stephanie was the same girl he was falling for. He’s in love and wants to fight it.

  “I mean, look what love did to you. And God, fucking Mark was the worst. All happy and did all the romantic shit with a girl in high school, and then bam, got his heart ripped out and stomped on. It was like the idiot turned into an ass overnight. All because he couldn’t deal with it, and never was the same when that one ended. Because news flash, Hads, it always ends, always.” Matt puts his head in his hands and his shoulders slump.

  “Mine was the exception not the rule, and Mark found Sarah and that’s not ending anytime soon. So it doesn’t always end.”

  “You almost died. I mean, you spiraled so far out of control with this stupid love. You were gone from us for so damn long. And Mark didn’t find Sarah till years later. I mean years, and even Sarah doesn’t help his assholeness. His shit story, man. I was ten and I still remember what he went through. I mean, the tension around the house was crazy.”

  “Again, I’m back in the land of the living and he found Sarah. So your points aren’t valid. You are thirty-six with thirty-seven creeping up. Don’t you think it’s time to settle for one girl? You are no Hugh Hefner.”

  “Nope, I’m Matt Thomas, and by the way, our family’s net worth was higher than his last year. Didn’t you see the list?” His face perks up with the first true smile he’s shown me since he started talking.

  “Okay, on that note, I think it’s time to stop all the drinking and go home.”

  “Not on your life, sis. Stephanie has me all twisted. Why do you girls do that to us? She doesn’t understand that I need time to see if us being together is worth the risk. Maybe that’s what I get for falling for a thirty-year-old single mother.”

  “She’s a mother? And did she let you near her kid?”

  “Kids, and nope. Stephanie says I’m not stable enough. That’s funny—me not stable? Come on, I’m stable like this table.” Matt slurs and slams his fists on the table, and sure enough, the damn thing moves.

  “Yep, totally stable. I can see that one. Let’s get you home and in bed.”

  “You used to be the fun one I could count on to get wasted with. But not now. You’re living like an old hag,” he whines.

  “That’s what growing up is all about. Now pay your tab before you pass out, because I can’t carry you and the only person that can help is Mark. And I don’t want to make that call.” I love babysitting my ten-year-older brother.

  “One foot in front of another, please, Matt,” I urge him, but silently I’m pleading for him just to fall asleep on the stairs.

  “Andrea was such a damn bitch to Mark, just like Reed was to you, and just like Stephanie’s being to me. That’s the Thomas curse—to get bent over and ass fucked by people we love.” He rants on and on. And on some more.

  “Did you just say Andrea?”

  “Yep, that bitch said she was pregnant. I even remember seeing her belly, and then it was like the baby never came. Magic shit and stuff. No one ever talked about it again, like the damn secret of the century. But I could never forget. Last time I saw her, you were a fucking little shit yourself, and she came over to our house and screamed one night through the door. Mom got so upset that night.”

  “Matt, what are you saying?”

  “Hads, haven’t you been listening to me? Mark’s first love went crazy, and then one night she upped and disappeared. Wonder whatever happened to her. Probably the crazy farm…” He drifts off in his own head.

  “What did she look like?”

  He blinks, waking him back out of his head. “Fuck, I don’t remember. I was like ten. All I know is she was insane in the brain. Why are you questioning me? You were just a baby. You never met her. And I was like fucking ten or some shit. It’s fuzzy, so maybe I don’t remember like I should have.”

  If that’s the Andrea from my mother’s wake, no wonder she didn’t seem to like my mom. But still, I need to ask him about it when he’s sober. I could use it to my advantage when Mark wants to say he’s better than me.

  Finally, we make it to his room without any more drunken garbage coming from his mouth, and I toss his drunk ass, down on his bed, no covers pulled over, and still in his clothes. Matt closes his eyes the moment his head hits the pillow and mumbles a few times about getting ass fucked. Poor guy. Love turns even the strongest into the weakest when you get hit by that arrow.

  I make my way to the kitchen and pour a huge glass of wine.

  I have a two-drink maximum now, and never drink at a bar. It’s part of the promise I made to myself when I left treatment and something I have never even wanted to break.

  I settle on the couch, prop my feet on the coffee table, and I’m about to turn on the television when my alert for my text messages goes off.

  James: What’s cooking your way?

  Me: Just put my drunk brother down, you?

  James: wish I was there with a camera to see that. You want to meet for dinner tomorrow?

  Me: yes! Tell me when and where.

  My phone chimes again and I assume it’s James. I immediately hit read, and my heart shoots up when it’s certainly not James. My fingers get twitchy as I read the first text from Reed in months.

  Reed: I hope you get this. I went and got a new number just for you. Do you think we can meet up for coffee or something later this week?

  Stupid iPhone. I can see the bubbles for him writing something else, it starts and stops twice more.

  But nothing else comes to me.

  I swallow a sip of wine. Better ge
t it over with.

  Type, delete, type, delete, and after five more attempts, I press send to the best message I could come up with.

  Me: That’s fine. Want to meet at the coffee place at 11:00 on Peachtree tomorrow?

  Two seconds later a response is back from him.

  Reed: See you then

  Three single words make my insides feel like an earthquake.

  Tomorrow.

  I rest my head on the back of the couch as, Lucy, my sweet, amazing cat that never lets me down when I need a little love, comes and crawls up in my lap. “I’m ready to do this. Maybe after I get done with this, I’ll take you over to his place so you can play with Loki.” My damn cat went through withdrawals being away from that dog. And I’m ready to see Reed, talk to him face to face. We can be friends, maybe be nothing. But either way, at least when I leave the coffee shop tomorrow, I’ll know what can be between us once and for all.

  I slip my feet into my shoes then grab my purse off the table.

  “Where are you going?” Matt asks, looking too good for how trashed he was last night.

  “Meeting someone for coffee. How are you feeling after last night?”

  “Peachy. Who are you meeting?”

  “Reed,” I say quietly

  “Who did you say?” He pops his head up.

  “Reed. I’m meeting Reed. Don’t make it a big deal.”

  “If you want to meet that asshole, that’s up to you. But don’t come crying to me when he comes and crushes you again, because that’s his MO. He comes back, says the shit that needs to be heard, and you go running right back to him without a second thought to what it means.” His words hit hard and straight at me and then he turns his attention to the coffee pot.

  “Don’t be like that. I won’t. Have some faith.”

  “You didn’t see you lying in that hospital, wondering if you were going to die. That was me. That was Dad. And even Mark. Since then my faith in anything that surrounds your relationship with Reed isn’t happening.” His voice is laced with sadness.

  “Matt, yes I don’t know what you went through. And God, I’m so flipping sorry I put you or anyone through that because of my actions. I decided to go, and I decided to get high. I went and took the first hit. I did that. Not Reed, not anyone else. I went all in like I had nothing to lose when, in fact, I had everything to lose and not a fucking thing to gain doing that. I should have dealt with it totally different. It was all my mistake.”

  “Got it.” He snaps with his back still away from me.

  I hurt for what I put my family through. “Matt. I love you.”

  “Love ya back, Hads. Now go meet the asshole. And bring me back some muffins or something.” He glances over a tensed up shoulder as he forces a smile.

  I run over and kiss him on the check. I wish he could understand it’s all my decision, recognize I’m a little better. “Thank you for always having my back, but this time I’m different, so it won’t happen again. I understand you don’t trust me yet, and that’s okay. I’ll just have to prove it.”

  “Whatever you say, but don’t expect me to bring cake to his damn birthday party this time.”

  I sit in my car at the coffee shop and listen to Meg Myers through my speakers, not sure how I even got in the parking lot in the first place because the whole drive is certainly a mystery to me.

  Nervous isn’t even the word I use for what I’m experiencing building through me. I’m facing him to find out if we can save some of our old friendship, to see if I can handle being in his life at all, to see if something can be salvaged in the wake of our prior actions.

  I flip down the visor and glimpse at my reflection, and for the millionth time I play with my messy ponytail on the top of my head, trying to get the look just right. My blonde roots are staring back at me, but I stop myself from thinking about anything else before all my insecurities come shining through.

  Reed may be many things, and being early has always been one of them. He’s sitting inside waiting for me, and I’m putting off the inevitable, not stepping out of the safety my car offers me. A thousand excuses pass through my mind, and one after the other, they all sound like valid excuses to cancel on him. But knowing Reed, he would see through my bullshit and question all of them.

  I take a final look and slap my visor closed before I pull the key out of the ignition. I take my lead filled legs and approach the door, keeping my fingers crossed the entire way that he doesn’t sense the earthquake inside of me.

  The bell above the door rings as I enter, and I immediately spot him hidden in the corner. A red hat proudly sits on his head and a tight black shirt shows off his muscles and the tattoos I love. Sneaky ass is pulling out all the big guns for this meeting.

  I navigate through the tables to the counter and order a plain coffee—simple, black coffee—and I avoid any looks from or to Reed while I wait for what feels like hours, but I know it’s only minutes, if not seconds. I don’t want to wait. Waiting fills my mind with crazy ideas, like running out like a chicken with its head cut off, and sending Reed a text on the way out the door that I’m having an uncontrolled bowel movement since that’s one he won’t second guess. Because no one ever does.

  It’s now or never as the waitress hands me my coffee. I walk calmly over to Reed, and I jerk the seat out in front him. He lifts his head and his hazel eyes light me on fire when he looks at me. I carefully and gradually sit down, laying my purse on the tabletop. The longer he penetrates me with his stare, the better that text idea is sounding. It probably wouldn’t work now.

  “Hey, Reed. Sorry you had to wait,” I say, as my guts quiver from my stupid nerves.

  “That’s okay. Thanks for meeting me,” he says quietly, giving me only a half-shrug and not one ounce of a smile on that face I love.

  “No problem. I figured we need to get to common ground so it’s not strange when we’re with our friends.” I start to pick at my nails but I stop when Reed takes a drink of his coffee, making a funny face as soon as he swallows. “I guess you didn’t start liking coffee, did you?”

  “Nope, but I’m at a coffee shop, figured you needed coffee to sit,” he states, his hands almost reaching for mine before he pulls them back, putting them together on the table.

  “You didn’t have to say yes. We could have met somewhere else.”

  “It’s not that big of a deal…” His tongue darts out, wetting his lips. “I wanted to tell you everything.”

  I tap one finger on the table and clear my throat. “Reed, I don’t need your truths anymore, really. Maybe I needed it months ago, but not now. And if we talk about it, it’s going to make this thing go backwards, and I don’t want that. We need to move forward.” I lock eyes with his and with one hundred percent honesty, I continue. “Because if you tell me friendship won’t be possible…”

  He takes a deep breath, his expression one of pain, as if I’d just taken a knife and stabbed him in the chest. “Is that the only thing we can have?” he asks, tilting his head toward me.

  “Yes. Even if I wanted you back, or well—anyone else in my life, I can’t. I have to learn to love myself—I mean really love me before I dip my toes back into another relationship. It’s friendship or nothing, but I’m leaving that option up to you.” It’s out there. All out there. Now all he has to do is answer.

  “I just don’t want you to hate me, Hads.”

  I sag against the chair. “I don’t hate you. I think I did for a while at least, but not anymore. I can’t hate you. I’m as much at fault about our past as you are.” Because I am. I didn’t want the nasty things to touch us. I only ever wanted the spotless, beautiful things between us, and when the bad touched the tiniest piece of us, it tarnished everything, and from there, it all fell apart.

  “No, Hadley, you aren’t. It was me.”

  “Can we put a pin in this, or maybe x it out, so it doesn’t have to be talked about again?”

  We stay silent, both avoiding each other’s looks as I pick at my cup�
�s top. I’m going right in my life but this heart in me wants to go left, back in the circle called Reed.

  Reed pulls my coffee from of my hand, seeking my attention out. “So I guess we can try this friendship thing out.”

  “Okay.” Pin in place, marked off the list, we have it. That’s what I need, to be able to see him, talk to him without wondering if he thinks something will come out of it.

  After a couple of long seconds, he asks, “How was Columbia?”

  “It was amazing, life changing, for sure. I saw you got yourself another belt.”

  We can do the small talk.

  We are doing it.

  This is okay.

  Reed releases a long and low sigh. “I did. Glad you watched it. My next one is scheduled for September. You should come and see it.” His voice lacks the normal energy he normally had when he talked about his fighting. He may have won, but something is defeating him. And I’m a huge part of that.

  “Maybe.” Knowing seeing him fight isn’t going to happen yet, I veer the topic to another place. “How’s Loki? Lucy is missing him. My dad said she was sad the whole time I was gone.”

  “Loki’s good.” Before we can talk any more, both our phones go off at the same time. I glance down at mine and two words make me face him with a smile so big.

  BABY TIME!!!!

  “She is the cutest little girl, isn’t she, James?” I ask as he unlocks his door to his house. Gracie graced us with her presence a little after midnight, and I can’t believe just how perfect she is. I’m already planning on playing matchmaker with her and Jadon.

  “That little girl is going to be so spoiled. Did you see how Lance wouldn’t put her down?”

  “I did. It was like she melted his iced heart. He has changed so damn much. Years ago, he would have ran from a baby. Now he growls when someone tries to hold her.”

  I move to his kitchen, grab two beers for us, and drop down on the sofa. Even though I’m unbelievably happy for Courtney, I long for mine that I never got to see. Reed holding Gracie there in the hospital made the visions of my baby clear in my head. He was looking down, laughing, and in awe of her when she let out a wail, not the least bit frighten by it. It was like he’s done it before, but I guess he has with Krystal.