Gnome On The Range

by Jennifer Zane

  “Okay, go on.”

  “Propane inside the tank is liquid then converts to a gas when it mixes with air. Propane gas is heavier than air so it settles low to the ground. It should have spread into the basement and to the hot water heater or furnace where it would ignite.”

  “Right,” I said. This whole gas thing was a little over my head. I knew he was speaking English, but not all of it made sense. Some of it. But I never really thought about blowing a house up before. “Go on.”

  “The Moore’s water heater and furnace weren’t in the basement, but in a closet off the garage. Not uncommon, although most are in basements. I guess since the house didn’t actually have a basement, they were given a space off the garage.”

  This I understood. “My friend Kelly’s house is like that.” I suddenly had a really crappy thought. “Should I be concerned about her house blowing up?”

  He casually pointed his fork toward me. “No. She doesn’t use propane, nor did someone tamper with her gas pipe.”

  Thankfully true. “How did they tamper with the pipe?”

  “Pipe wrench.” Ty took a bite of his steak.

  I nodded my head envisioning someone with a huge wrench crouching down behind the Moore’s house. Conceivable since the yard was lined with very mature lilac bushes. Definitely shielded from neighbors.

  “Long story short, we smelled gas because we were downwind. Whoever did it must’ve assumed the water heater was in a basement or a lower portion of the house where they hoped the whole house would be launched to Kingdom Come. But they were wrong and it didn’t cause a huge explosion.”

  “This wasn’t a big explosion?” I asked, amazed.

  Ty shook his head. “This one just flung crap through the air and made a huge mess.”

  “Huge,” I added, thinking of the collapsed garage and Ty’s smooshed truck.

  “Huge,” Ty repeated. “But the idiot didn’t know about the water heater off the garage and when the gas seeped in, it filled just that area and the pilot light ignited it quickly. There wasn’t time for the gas to fill the lower area of the house. Besides, the propane tank itself was almost empty. The Moore’s never had it refilled before they moved to Arizona. That’s why the most damage was to the garage and the left side, nor overly big. He didn’t make a real explosion, thank God. He just wrecked the house.”

  “That wasn’t a big explosion? I don’t have a lot of comparison here,” I added, sarcastically.

  “Let me put it this way. If it had been a serious propane tank explosion, instead of the fridge being on top of my truck, it would have landed on someone else’s a mile away.”

  Okay, that’s a big explosion. “So you’re saying this was done by an amateur.”

  “I’d say an Internet-savvy, anti-social person intent on hurting someone.”

  “I’m an idiot when it comes to fire, although I can light my grill.” I sipped my iced tea. Ty nodded. “Yeah, I’d say you’re at least that smart.”

  I smacked him on the shoulder. “Funny. But we still don’t know Morty’s whereabouts. All we do know about whoever’s trying to hurt me is that he’s some half-cocked person spending too much time online. That’s probably half of the population of the US.”

  “True. But he was obviously trying to blow up the Moore’s house. And just that house. As I said, Mr. and Mrs. Moore have been out of town for awhile. They weren’t the target. Someone wants Morty dead, someone who knew he’d been staying there.” Ty ate a couple of bites. “The real worry is when whoever’s doing this decides to get smart.”

  “Because they’re trying to kill me now, too,” I added. We didn’t comment more on that but ate instead. My burrito didn’t taste as good as it did a minute ago. Or maybe it was the whole death and destruction thing that put me off my food.

  My cell phone rang. I jumped in my seat and grabbed for my bag, frantic to find the phone.

  “Relax, the kids are fine.”

  I gave him the evil eye. I looked at the caller ID. Phew, not CNN calling about a downed commercial airliner.

  “Hi, Goldie,” I said. I took a deep breath, my heart rate slowly dropping back into normal range.

  “We’ve got a doozy of a problem.”

  “Okaaaaay.” That could mean a thousand different things.

  “No, no, don’t worry, I’m fine. You’re the one with all the secret admirers,” she said sarcastically. “Remember the bachelorette party we arranged to do?”

  “Sure, it’s next month.” I absently forked up a bite of burrito. Ty watched me as he ate some fries.

  “Actually, it’s tonight. It’s a surprise party. The bride was at the store with her girlfriends and they couldn’t blow it by giving the actual day. So, they told us next month. Unfortunately, dingbats that they are, they forgot to call us and tell us about the real date. Until now.”

  I looked at my watch. Six thirty.

  “What time’s the party?”

  “Eight.”

  “Holy crap.”

  Ty perked up at that.

  “I’ve got everything organized and in boxes here at the store. I just need you to pick them up and get to the party.”

  I took a deep breath. “Fine. Call Dingbat back and tell her we won’t be there until eight thirty. She can make do until then. We’ll be by the store in an hour to get everything. And Goldie, make sure you get good directions. The last time I drove all over trying to find the place.”

  Goldie hung up. No goodbye.

  “Dingbat?” Ty asked.

  “Don’t worry, you’ll meet her.”

  “Huh?” A fry was halfway to his mouth.

  “How do you feel about bachelorette parties?” I scarfed down a bite of my meal.

  “Never been to one.”

  “That’s about to change.”

  “Oh really? Male stripper call in sick or something?”

  I contemplated that for a moment, the image of Ty stripping like a Chippendale dancer. It actually wasn’t a pretty thought. I’ve never been big on strippers. Didn’t do a thing for me. Seeing Ty naked though was something entirely different. And maybe watching him take his clothes off might not be so bad either. The idea made me hot all over. I took a sip of my iced tea to cool off. As long as when he finished he was naked instead of wearing some pouchless briefs or banana hammocks. Gross.

  “Have experience with that? If you do, you may not want to mention it to Goldie or you might have a side job.” I paused to let Ty consider this back-up career. “Actually, we scheduled a toy party for a couple of bachelorettes last week. There was some confusion about the dates. It’s tonight. We’ve got two hours to get there.”

  “We?” he asked. I could tell he was a little nervous. What guy wanted to break the invisible barrier between men and women and end up at a bachelorette party? He had every right to be anxious. The few males who ended up at one were only wearing day-glo yellow nut huggers and a pair of cowboy boots.

  “Don’t worry. You’ll keep your clothes on. I thought you didn’t want me going anywhere by myself. Besides, I’m your girlfriend.” It was a perfect time to throw that word out there. See what I might reel back in.

  Ty took a swig of his beer. “You’re right. I don’t want you going off by yourself with everything that’s happened, but I draw the line at stripping in front of a bunch of women, especially one named Dingbat. If you want me to take my clothes off, we can go back to your house—or mine. You can even help.” He lifted his eyebrows rakishly and took another swig of beer. “But here’s the thing you need to know if you’re going to be my girlfriend.”

  He looked me in the eye. I was practically hypnotized by their blueness.

  I licked my lips in anticipation. I hadn’t been a girlfriend since tenth grade. And that consisted of holding hands while walking through the mall. I dated. I married. There was no girlfriend status ever with Nate. “What’s that?”

  Ty’s mouth twitched. “I can cut my own meat.”

  I looked down at my fork and knif
e. I was so flustered by the boys’ departure, the night’s change in plans, the imagery of Ty getting naked, I didn’t even notice what I’d been doing.

  I had cut up Ty’s steak into little bite sized pieces, just like I did for Zach and Bobby.

  Chapter Twelve

  “Oh shit,” Ty mumbled as we rolled up to the house for the bachelorette party. You couldn’t miss it. Unless the house had penis shaped balloons attached to the mailbox just ‘because.’ “This can’t be good.”

  We were in Belgrade, near the airport. The subdivision was brand new with matching street lamps all the way down the road. The house had two stories, painted a cheery yellow with red shutters. The two car garage took up most of the lower floor except for a tiny porch and front door. The yard had been put in by landscapers but ended abruptly at the property line on either side as the home abutted two empty lots.

  “Where’s your sense of adventure?” I mocked. Secretly, I was enjoying every moment of this. His discomfort was comical and I tried hard not to laugh. Hell, I tried hard not to crack a smile.

  “I will be the first man in the history of the world who’s ever gone to a bachelorette party unpaid.”

  “I think you have enough testosterone to make it out alive.” My mouth twitched.

  Ty popped the trunk of his rental car. He’d insisted on driving as his car was unfamiliar to anyone who might consider following me and doing me harm. It was pale blue, two doors and small enough to fit in the bed of Ty’s pickup truck. It was a clown car and he had to practically fold himself in half to fit behind the wheel. Its only saving grace was a remarkably large trunk. Ty was a big man and he needed room. Lots and lots of room the rental could not provide. I could imagine him standing on the curb waiting for the mailman to arrive with his insurance check just to be rid of his pint-sized rental. Images of the boys waiting for the ice cream truck came to mind.

  I started digging through the boxes Goldie packed for me.

  “What the hell?” Ty asked as he picked up a rubber dildo from the box. The tip of it jiggled like the Colonel’s Jell-O. “What on earth do you guys do at a bachelorette party?” he snapped.

  “What do you guys do at a bachelor party?” I countered.

  Ty’s eyes lost focus as he most likely imagined strippers, porn and lots of liquor. “Never mind. Please explain.” He couldn’t figure out where to hold the dildo, his hands shifting from the shaft to the balls to the tip.

  I took it from him. His face looked as if he’d swallowed a bitter pill. “I believe that’s the All American Whopper Dong and friends.”

  Ty shuffled through the box. Inside were at least ten dildos, all identical. He mumbled something I couldn’t catch, but I did hear the words ‘women’ and ‘insane.’ I decided to let it go. We weren’t even through the door yet.

  “You’re here!” A woman—from the looks of her—the bride, squealed. She weaved her way down the walkway, most likely very tipsy. Although, if I wore the black patent stilettos she had on I’d be weaving around, stone cold sober. She wore a white tank top that showed off her youthful breasts. I’d bet my paycheck they’d been medically enhanced. Somehow she wore a jean skirt that was as big as a Band-Aid and kept everything legally covered. I’m not sure what would happen if she sat down.

  Her hair was long, straight and dark. A little poof in the back gave it lift that only came from a half can of hairspray. On her head was a plastic diamond tiara in the shape of the word BRIDE. To accompany this she wore a Miss America sash that read ‘Bride To Be.’

  “I can’t believe the surprise! I thought it was next month! I’m sooooo excited!” She even came up and hugged me. Yup, drunk. She smelled of rum and something fruity. “OMG, we’re going to play with dildos! That’s great because it matches the party’s theme!” I had a pretty good idea what that was. “We’ve got a penis cake and penis shaped ice in our drinks. This is going to be amazing!” She grabbed the dildo from me and ran back up the walk. As she entered the house I heard more screams than a ninth grade sleepover.

  We grabbed the boxes and headed inside.

  The front door opened onto a family room with two tan couches, a wide screen TV and a fake plant. White walls and bare floors. Probably recently moved in. I quickly counted heads. Nine women of various ages were drinking wine from the box on the coffee table and eating chips and salsa, gabbing like sorority sisters. They ogled the dildo as if it were the Lost Buddha from the Ancient Empire. They sat on the couches, squeezed in like peas in a pod, with one or two ladies on chairs probably pulled in from the kitchen.

  All heads swiveled to us and it became as quiet as church on Sunday.

  No one looked at me. I could have been naked twirling batons of fire. No one would have noticed. They were all looking at Ty. Like a piece of meat. Okay, I now knew what Ty had been saying when he told me Dex had looked at me that way. These ladies would eat him alive if I wasn’t there.

  I actually thought I heard Ty gulp. With a shaky smile he said, “Ladies.”

  “This is Ty,” I replied by way of introduction.

  “A stripper! I didn’t know Goldilocks did that!” A bridesmaid I recognized from the store squealed with delight. I figured this one was Dingbat.

  Ty took a step back.

  “No, he’s not a stripper,” I clarified.

  They took in his faded, well worn jeans and how they hugged his really nice ass. They admired his button-down gray shirt and how it showed off his broad shoulders. It was rolled up at the forearms to reveal tanned and toned muscles. His hair was still cut short and he was clean shaven. I could even smell the soap he used. I don’t blame them the ogling, or taking him for a stripper. He was a man at a bachelorette party, and he’d come with me, the woman who ran the adult store. And of course, he was hot.

  A chorus of “Hellooo, Ty” rang out.

  He pointed his thumb at me like the Fonz. “She’s my girlfriend.”

  So now I’m his girlfriend. The ladies looked at me, sizing me up. Was I worthy of a hunk like Ty? Some of the mean looks the women gave me said no.

  “Hi, ladies!” I said brightly. “Let’s get started.” I slid the box of dildos in front of me. “If you each will take one and pass the rest around, great. No, there’s enough for everyone. Tonight you’re going to learn how to give your man the blow job of his dreams.”

  Ty coughed. I looked at him and I swore he choked on spit.

  I dug back in the box. “Oh, here, the plastic plates are for you to suction cup your—”

  “Cock!” one woman shouted out.

  “Dick!” Another.

  “Man part.” Another.

  I laughed. “—whatever-you-want-to-call-it to. You want to keep your hands free. It’s all about the mouth.”

  I should have been mortified I was talking like this in front of Ty. I wasn’t because I knew the more I talked on the subject of dildos and BJ’s and mouths, the more embarrassed he was going to be. And I thought that was hilarious. Goldie would be mighty proud.

  The ladies shouted out while they were laughing, wielding their rubber phalluses like swords. This was a typical reaction to this activity. No chance of getting their full attention. I didn’t take it personally. I just let it go. It reminded me of Zach’s kindergarten class and trying to get them to glue cotton balls on Santa’s beard during craft time. Half the Santa’s went home with cotton ball pants.

  I demonstrated how to do the suction cupping.

  “Here, can you hold this for me?” I passed Ty the cock on the plate. He looked at it, the tip jiggling back and forth. Goldie didn’t pack the little guys, she went for the eight inchers.

  “Uh, sure.” Ty started to look panicked. His expression was a cross between extreme embarrassment and intestinal cramping.

  “Ty, come sit next to me,” a woman who looked a lot like the bride, but thirty years older and wearing a longer skirt, purred.

  Between the ladies ogling him, the super-sized man part on a dinner plate and the cat calls, I wasn’t
sure what was worse for him. “Ladies, leave Ty alone,” I scold gently.

  “Now, don’t worry, all of the dildos have been washed and sanitized.” I grabbed for the condoms at the bottom of the box. “So, if you can each take one of these, I’m going to show you how to roll a condom on just using your mouth.”

  The ladies hurriedly passed the foil packages around then heard several thwaps where the rubber smacked the plates.

  “If you’re at the coffee table, you can just stick them on there instead.” Some ladies ran with this idea.

  I ripped open a foil packet and pulled out the condom, then held my hand out to Ty to get my plate back for the demonstration. I looked at him and smiled. He winced back.

  I sat down on the arm of the couch. “Stick the condom, all rolled up on the tip like this. Good. Just like that.” I paused and waited through the sexual banter, laughing and talking until almost everyone had finished. “Now, you’ll use your mouth and tongue to slowly unroll the condom as you move down your man’s penis. Like this.”

  I leaned forward to demonstrate.

  “I’m out of here,” Ty said as my mouth was almost on the dildo. He was halfway out the door before I got the plate onto the coffee table.

  “Ladies, you try it. I’ll be right back.”

  I walked out onto the front porch and heard the ladies laughing and chatting behind me.

  “I thought you didn’t want me left alone just in case someone…you know.” I tucked a stray curl behind my ear.

  Ty stood on the front walk, stuffed his hands in his jeans pockets. “Sweetheart, no man is going to come to a bachelorette party to hurt you. After what I saw in there, he’d kill himself first.”

  “So where are you going to go?”

  “There’s a ballgame on somewhere.” He looked at his watch. “How much time do you need?”

  “Mmm, can’t say for sure.”

  We both heard a woman shouting, “My man’s gonna get some tonight!”

  “Right. Just call me when you’re done.”