Truth or Death

by Sara C. Roethle

  “Yggdrasil helped her,” Aila explained. “Fate guided her.”

  They both went silent after that. Her heart ached for her brother, and for Erykah, but a small glimmer of hope blossomed inside her. If Madeline had succeeded, Erykah would be safe. It was the one thing that, for Madeline, would be worth dying for.

  12

  I gasped, flinging my body backward in shock. My head hit against solid stone.

  “Ow,” I said, sitting up and rubbing the stinging welt that had formed. My eyes adjusted to dim light as I looked around the small cell, stone on three sides, and iron bars on the third.

  “What the hell?”

  A door flew open outside my cell, and Morgan came running into the corridor. “What was that?” he demanded. “I heard a ruckus.”

  I blinked up at him. “Morgan? What am I doing here? The last thing I remember—”

  Morgan sneered. “Do not waste your words on me, prisoner.”

  I furrowed my brow. Didn’t he recognize me? “Am I dead? Is this what hell is like?”

  He took a step toward the cell. “Did you hit your head, Hecate?”

  My hand froze halfway toward the lump on the back of my head. “What did you just call me?”

  “Your name,” he sighed. “I suppose I’ll have to tell Odin about this,” he muttered as he turned to walk away.

  “Morgan!” I called, but he’d already gone through and shut the door.

  I wrapped my arms around my knees, cradling my body. I had to be dead. Maybe I was in limbo, because there was no way I was trapped inside Hecate’s body.

  “I thought you’d be more grateful,” Hecate’s voice said in my head.

  I lifted my hands to cover my ears, trying to block her out.

  “Oh don’t be so childish. It doesn’t look good on me.”

  I pressed harder on my ears. “What are you talking about? What’s going on?”

  “Odin had planned on giving my body to Frigg,” she explained. “He gave me everything I needed for the ritual. In exchange, my energy would be freed to move on to another realm. I did what he wanted, but I gave my body to you instead. I captured your soul before it could move on. Before you could truly die, a death beyond your mortal shell.”

  I blinked at the bars of the cell, slowly lowering my hands from my ears. “What?”

  “Do you not remember destroying your body? To defeat Odin?”

  I tried to remember what she was talking about, but it was like a distant dream. Maybe my mind had shut it out to keep myself from snapping, though I wasn’t sure I even had a mind anymore.

  “You have a mind, Madeline. Use it. You have defeated Odin. Yggdrasil returned his energy to Asgard, where it belongs. That asshole probably is with his wife right now after all.”

  “So let me get this straight,” I said out loud. “I’m not stuck in your body with you . . . forever?”

  “Turn around Madeline.”

  I turned, then nearly jumped out of my skin. A spectral form was standing there. The color had been drained from her auburn hair and green eyes, but it was most definitely Hecate.

  “I told you, I gave you my body instead. It is yours now. You deserve it for binding our magic, along with the Well of Urd, to the earth forever.”

  I took a shaky breath. “So it worked? Yggdrasil and the Well of Urd are how they are supposed to be?”

  Hecate nodded. “While I would have preferred to live on earth myself, this seemed an acceptable alternative. You may now have my mortal form to live out your life with your daughter. Treasure this gift I have given you.”

  I looked down at my hands—not my hands, Hecate’s hands—and felt sick. I couldn’t just live in her body. I wasn’t me anymore.

  Hecate huffed. “You of all people should know that your mortal trappings have little to do with who you are. They are a shell, a vessel for your energy, nothing more.”

  My entire body began to tremble. “So what am I now? My body was Vaettir. What does that make me?”

  “You are a fallen goddess, Madeline. It is not much different.”

  I finally managed to stand, though I felt unsteady on my feet. Hecate’s feet. I was never going to be able to look in a mirror again. My mind would snap.

  Hecate eyed me with a small smile on her face. “You’ll get used to it . . . if you ever manage to get out of this cell.”

  “She’ll get out just fine,” a man’s voice said from behind me.

  I hadn’t even realized someone else had walked into the corridor.

  Loki stood with Morgan by his side.

  Morgan eyed me warily. “Are you sure that’s Madeline?”

  Loki nodded. “Yes, a little birdie told me.”

  Morgan seemed to doubt him, but he still stepped forward and unlocked the cell. He opened the barred-door and stepped back.

  Loki wasn’t exactly the person I wanted a hug from in that moment, but it didn’t stop me from diving into his arms.

  He hugged me back, chuckling softly. “You mortals are so dramatic. You’d think after saving both Midgard and Asgard, you’d be gloating, not crying.”

  I hadn’t even realized I’d started crying. I was filled with fear and loss, but also a bit of elation. Did this mean I’d get to see my daughter again? Losing my body was important, but the thought of not losing her . . . well that trumped my mental discomfort any day.

  Loki patted my back, then pulled away. “You might want to let me explain things to Alaric before you see him. I haven’t told him yet, just in case you being here wasn’t true.”

  I nodded and wiped my eyes. “So he’s alright? And Mikael?”

  Loki grinned. “Both fine, though my daughter might have toyed with them a bit.”

  I looked over my shoulder toward Hecate. “What will you do now?”

  “Who are you talking to?” Morgan asked.

  I looked to him, then to Loki. “You guys can’t see her?”

  Loki shook his head, Morgan just looked dumbfounded.

  I turned back to Hecate, waiting for her answer.

  “I’m free now. Perhaps I’ll go to one of the realms Odin damaged and make the flowers grow.” She began to fade from sight.

  I lifted my hand. “Hecate, wait!”

  She stopped fading, then waited for me to speak.

  I lowered my hand. “Um, thanks, I guess.”

  She smiled. “I told you from the start, Madeline, you and I were on the same side.”

  This time she faded away entirely.

  I turned back to Loki and Morgan. “Take me to my daughter. Tell Alaric whatever you need, because I’m seeing her tonight no matter what he believes.”

  Loki nodded. “I see your new body has not changed you much.”

  I took a steadying breath. I guess it really hadn’t. “So who was the little birdie that told you I was here?”

  “Marcos.”

  I blinked at him. “You’ve got to be kidding me. He’s still alive?”

  Loki put an arm around my shoulders. “He’s quite like a cockroach, really, but he knows your energy better than anyone elses'. He used Yggdrasil to track it here, and together he and I deduced what had happened.”

  “Marcos can use Yggdrasil?” I balked.

  Loki laughed. “You gave him Yggdrasil’s energy, even after he released it, it left him changed. You should know better than I.”

  We left the cells behind. My shoulders relaxed once we were in the long exterior corridor, then tensed when I remembered they weren’t my shoulders. Walking and talking felt normal enough. I couldn’t sense a difference in my voice, though others probably could. I supposed the main shock would come when I looked in a mirror . . . or when I saw the look on Alaric’s face. Or Mikael’s.

  . . . Or Erykah’s.

  It was the last part I was dreading the most. Would my own child even recognize me?

  Ready to leave, I nodded to Morgan. “I guess I’ll see you around, though I’m not really sure what’s going to happen now that I released a bunch of
magic into my earth.”

  Morgan nodded, his expression still wary. Maybe he still viewed me as Hecate. “Is Odin really gone?”

  I shrugged, knowing it wasn’t that simple. Gone, but not forgotten maybe. “His energy is still here in Asgard, he’s needed. He’s just . . . in another form. Maybe a form where he’s not totally warped by his pain.”

  Morgan chewed his lip.

  Loki leaned in toward my ear. “He’s wondering if his contract still holds now that Odin is gone.”

  My eyes widened. “Oh . . . I really don’t know what this means for you.” I turned to Loki. “Do you?”

  Loki shrugged. “All mortals who serve in our realm signed contracts directly with Odin. With him gone, I suppose they hold little weight. They may be free to depart if they please it.”

  I looked back to Morgan. “Does that mean you’ll die?”

  Loki laughed. “You of all people know death is not a true ending, Madeline.”

  Morgan smiled softly. “This lifetime ended long ago for me. I’ve been ready to move on for quite some time.”

  Loki gave my shoulders a squeeze. “See? He wants to go. Maybe somewhere deep down, Odin did too.” He nodded toward Morgan. “I’ll let Freyja know some of you may want to depart. She can take you to Hel, and your soul will move on from there.” He chuckled, as if at some private joke. “Though I’m not sure Freyja will be terribly keen on going back there right away.”

  I pulled away from Loki and gave Morgan a brief hug. “I guess this is goodbye, maybe. Thanks for being the only normal person here.”

  He grinned as I pulled away. “I never thought I’d get a hug from Hecate.”

  My stomach instantly twisted into knots. “Please, let’s not say that name anymore. This is weird enough.” I turned to Loki. “I’m ready to see my daughter now.”

  Morgan waved us away as we started down the hall. A lock of auburn hair fell across my eyes, and I quickly shoved it back. I was definitely going to have to dye it to my color, not Hecate’s. I’d just do that, put on my clothes, and never look in a mirror again. Yes, that would completely solve everything.

  Or so I kept telling myself, lest I lose my mind completely.

  We reached the cottage where we’d been staying. We saw a few gods along the way, but none seemed to be in a state of panic. Maybe they understood better than anyone else that Odin was still here, perhaps more closely aligned to who he’d been before Frigg died.

  I looked to Loki as we stood outside the cottage door. “Be quick. I don’t really want to wait out here for long looking like this, I gestured to my body, and prisoner’s garb.”

  Loki patted my shoulder, then opened the door and went inside, shutting it gently behind him.

  Seconds ticked by as countless emotions surged through me. Sadness, fear, and regret, but also relief and a strong sense of gratitude. Hecate, after all I’d done to her, had sacrificed herself to give me a chance to be with my child.

  By the time Loki finally returned to me, I already had my hand on the knob, unable to wait any longer. I lowered my hand as the door opened, quickly registering the worry in his expression.

  “They don’t quite believe me.”

  My shoulders slumped. Of course they didn’t. They thought I was dead. To believe I had returned in Hecate’s body was ridiculous.

  “They did say you could come in though, if only to prove my ruse false.”

  I sighed. “They’re not going to attack me, are they?”

  He smirked. “I’ll protect you. Let’s go.”

  I felt oddly like I was floating as I followed him through the house. I couldn’t wait to see Erykah, but I dreaded seeing Alaric and Mikael. Seeing looks of revulsion and hatred on their faces when they looked at me would break something deep inside me.

  We reached the closed bedroom door.

  Loki called out, “We’re coming in! Everyone be nice!”

  He opened the door, went inside, then stepped aside.

  I took in Sophie, Alaric, Mikael, Faas, and a black-haired woman I didn’t recognize, whose features suspiciously resembled Loki’s.

  Alaric rose from where he’d been sitting on the bed, cradling Erykah protectively. He looked at me like I was a stranger.

  I swallowed back tears.

  “Bring the child,” Loki ordered .

  Somewhat grudgingly, Alaric obeyed.

  I began to relax. He was at least going to let me see her, though what I really wanted was to rush into both their arms.

  He reached me, and everyone else in the room seemed to fade as I looked down at Erykah, her dark hair, her gray eyes. Recognition sparkled in those liquid orbs. She reached for me, almost frantically.

  My tears flowed freely. Did she actually recognize me?

  His expression awestruck, Alaric loosed his hold as I took Erykah from his arms.

  She gurgled happily, clinging to me.

  I laughed, then sobbed, “She recognizes me.”

  Mikael and Sophie walked up on either side of Alaric.

  “Maddy?” Mikael questioned. “Is that really you?”

  “It’s her,” Faas said from behind them.

  I grinned at all of them. “Now who else would I be?”

  Mikael laughed, then reached out and rubbed a strand of my auburn hair between his fingers. “You know, I’ve always had a penchant for redheads.”

  I didn’t have a chance to reply as Alaric suddenly wrapped his arms around me and Erykah, then Sophie wrapped her arms around the three of us.

  “You’re not dead!” Sophie sobbed.

  Alaric was yet to speak, but his body shook with tears. Somehow it was more comforting than words. If those I loved could accept me in this new form, I knew I could make it. I could survive, and I could watch my daughter grow.

  13

  After a day and night recovering in Asgard, Loki and Freyja escorted us back home. There was something profoundly different about both of them. I wasn’t sure what Freyja had gained from Odin’s death, but Loki had regained his daughter. We both had.

  Leaving Erykah with Alaric, I’d made a beeline for the safety of my bathroom as soon as we’d arrived, needing a moment alone.

  I made the mistake of looking in the bathroom mirror, and now I couldn’t look away. I had the overwhelming compulsion to slam my fist into the glass. I’d hoped I’d get used to Hecate’s face looking back at me, but right now . . . I shook my head. I’d changed into a crimson sweater and black jeans before we left Asgard, but my clothes didn’t seem to fit right. Hecate was around the same height as my old body, but not the same shape, apparently, or maybe it was just that she’d become too thin while imprisoned.

  I really had to stop thinking of her as Hecate. She was gone. I was still here.

  Going crazy.

  At least I had a lot to distract myself with . . . a lot of things that would take me away from the bathroom mirror.

  We still had to worry about the elves. They were still in Hillsboro, doing who knew what now that Odin was gone. According to Loki, their realm had been drained of magic by Odin, the thing that would make them eventually go extinct in the current timeline. They were a dying race in their realm, whereas here, there was plenty of magic. Would they even want to return home? Beyond that, how would we even bring them all back with Yggdrasil’s path to their realm severed?

  Just thinking about what needed to happen next slowly calmed my nerves, though I wasn’t about to raise my eyes back up to the mirror.

  A knock sounded outside the door.

  “Just a minute!” Turning away from the mirror, I dabbed at the moisture in my eyes, tugged my sweater straight, hating the way it now clashed with the locks of hair draped over my shoulder, then turned toward the door.

  I opened it to reveal Mikael, wearing a forest green tee-shirt that complemented his auburn hair, and faded jeans.

  I looked him up and down. “You’ll have to teach me how to dress with this coloring.”

  He lifted a brow. “At least you d
idn’t wear much makeup to begin with. You would have had to throw it all away.”

  I brushed by him. Steady. I would keep my voice steady. “I used to wear makeup, then I fell in with you lot and no longer had the time.” My voice didn’t tremble at all. I deserved a gold star.

  He followed me into the bedroom. “Everyone is waiting to see you. Most don’t know the full story of what has occurred.”

  I turned around to find him standing a little too close.

  I gritted my teeth. I wanted to hug him. To collapse. To melt into a puddle and just not have to exist. “Can I help you?”

  He lifted a lock of my long hair, then pushed it over my shoulder. “It’s harder to get used to than I thought it would be.”

  “Imagine how I feel.”

  “I do imagine it. That’s why I’m worried. How are you feeling?”

  I looked down at my feet. “We shouldn’t keep everyone waiting.”

  He placed his finger under my chin and lifted it. “They’re used to waiting. And I’m used to you hiding your pain. That’s why I asked Alaric to let me come fetch you. He allowed it . . . grudgingly.”

  I grimaced. We were all alive, and I got to be around to raise my daughter. It should have been enough, but . . . “I’m sure I’ll adjust eventually. It’s just weird. I think about my own body. Odin basically destroyed it, and what was left must have been obliterated when I released the well’s magic.” I shook my head. “It’s hard to explain, it’s just—”

  “Weird,” he finished for me.

  I nodded.

  “Is Alaric . . . struggling?”

  I shrugged. “He’s pretending not to, but I know it bothers him. Last night . . . ” I trailed off, thinking of the awkward silence before we fell asleep, “like it or not I’m still an empath. I can sense his discomfort.”

  “Have you . . . ”

  I glared. “That’s none of your business.”

  He held up his hands in surrender. “I’m only trying to help, honestly. Erykah is a baby, I think it’s easier for her to adjust. Alaric was quite used to you.”

  I tensed my jaw. “Yeah, you’re really not helping.”