by Jo Cattell
“Chloe, you don’t have to do this.” Nick took back the bottle and tightened the lid. He placed it on the floor next to him.
“You said you wanted to find out about me. Know my story, that when I trusted you, I could tell you. I trust you now and I have never told anyone what happened here six years ago. I was told not to, because it would make him look bad. It screwed me up for life, but he doesn’t look bad. So go ahead and ask me.” She started to shake. The truth was coming, and with it, he would be gone.
“Chloe—whether you believe me, or not, I do care about you. I can see how tired you are, and I really just want you to try to sleep. I promise I won’t leave if you don’t want me to. Let’s get your things together and go back to my house.”
She picked up one of the pillows and held it to her chest. Her body felt like it was spinning, but still betrayed her in trying to relax. “Do you know what I miss the most about my mother? Aside from the normal stuff moms do. Something, I bet you take for granted. Something, no one has done for me since the night she died and the one reason I acted the way I did when you hugged me.” She was rambling. She’d never had anyone with her when she drank like this. The alcohol was bringing the truth to light. Everything she’d hidden, her fears, her needs. For a moment, she’d forgotten he was even there.
“What?”
She was starting to get tired now, it was harder to think. “The night she died, she’d been very weak. She asked for tea but could hardly drink it. She could see how scared I was. I kept kneeling at her bedside and praying for help or for my dad to come home. I wanted to call him, and she said no. She knew she didn’t have much time. She told me she was tired; she needed sleep. Her voice was a whisper by then. She’d been in a lot of pain, but she had me climb into the bed with her.” Chloe stopped there. The huge lump in her throat was making it harder to talk.
He sat up and waited for her to continue, his face full of concern.
After a few minutes, she wiped the tears from her eyes again and laid her head against the cool glass of the window. “She told me she was cold, and that she wanted to hold me. She missed holding me since she‘d gotten sick. I fell asleep in her arms. I don’t know what made me wake up; I think it was something that brushed past my cheek. The room had gotten so cold and dark. When I turned on the light, I noticed her. Her lips were blue; her hands were so cold to the touch. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t cry. I just asked her to wake up. I remember trying to put her arms around me, but they were stiff. I couldn’t hold her hand because it had turned inwards and I was afraid I would break her because she had grown so fragile, like Millie had…” Her voice trailed off as she thought of Millie.
“When did you call for help?” he asked her softly.
“I never did. By the third day, I heard the front door. I’d sat vigil by her body, waiting for her to wake up. I promised God I would be a good girl. I promised I would be a nun, whatever he wanted; I just wanted her to wake up. My father came into the room and found us. There was no expression on his face. He looked from her to me, and then called Shelly. He told her how my mother had passed and he would be in touch. All he said to me was to go to my room. He wouldn’t let anyone talk to me. I just sat in here, on my bed, waiting. When you told your mom about Millie, what did she do?” she asked him.
He looked as if he were on the verge of tears. “She took me into her arms and held me,” was all he could say.
“That’s what I miss. No one has held me or calmed my fears since she died,” she confessed. She held the pillow tightly now, wishing she could feel that warmth. Wishing she could have felt the love that his mother had shown him earlier. “This is why I’m so screwed up. I want something that people take for granted. I’m so afraid to let someone close to me, because if I start to feel again, when they leave, I’ll be right back here in the emptiness. That’s why when you hugged me and held me earlier, I was uncomfortable. I don’t know how to react to that. No one has done that for me. I forgot what it was like.”
Nick said nothing. He simply got up and pulled her to her feet. When she looked up to him with tear-stained eyes, he put his arms around her and cradled her to his chest.
She wept hot tears as she sobbed against his shirt.
Gently, he stroked her hair. “Come lie down for a little while, Babe. I’ll hold you. And when we go back to my house, I’ll hold you through the night while you sleep.”
Finally, she nodded and he took her over to her bed. He got on to the bed and waited for her to climb in next to him. When she did, she nestled into his arms. He stroked her hair and hoped that she would feel secure enough to answer him. “Chlo, what happened when you slit your wrists?”
“I wanted to get his attention. I wanted to make him look at me. I didn’t want it to be deep, just enough for him to finally notice me. I went too deep, though. I tried to stop the bleeding but I couldn’t. I just remember sitting there, watching the blood flow onto my skirt and wondered if he would even notice I was gone. Sister MM and Gabbie found me. I don’t remember much about going to the hospital. I just remember the sister yelling at my father in the hall about how worried she was about the way I was handling my mother’s death. When they released me, he yelled at me for taking him out of a meeting. My father wants nothing to do with me and I don’t know why. It was a stupid attempt for attention, I know. But it was all I could think of.”
She could feel the sleep coming on. She was trying to stay awake for a little longer. She wanted to remember what it felt like to be in his arms, at least for tonight. The steady rhythm of his breathing and his gentle touch was lulling her to sleep. “Nick,” she whispered.
“Yes, Chloe?”
“Do you think anyone would’ve noticed if I were gone? If I’d died that day, would anyone have cared?” She didn’t know why she asked him that. She just wanted to hear that there was someone who would have missed her.
“I would have. I know I didn’t live here yet, but I would have missed the girl who butted in front of me in line at the carnival. I would have missed your smile. There is just so much about you, Chloe, I would have missed.” He spoke softly. He kissed her forehead and held her tightly in his arms.
The early morning sunlight woke Chloe from her dreamlike state. For the first time in a long time, she felt warm and safe. As she opened her eyes, she realized she was still in Nick’s arms and he was sleeping soundly next to her. He had stayed. She laid there watching him sleep while taking in every inch of his face.
She never noticed before how his hair curled around his ear, or how he had a little stubble around his chin. There was a small freckle beside his left eye that she‘d never spotted before. And his lips were so soft and pink. She wondered how his lips would feel against hers. She reached up and gently ran her hand down his face, watching how his soft, dark curls ringed her fingers. He’d cut his hair recently; she just realized it had not been as bushy as the first day of school, when they had first met.
Suddenly, he stirred. “Hey,” he said softly as he touched her face.
“Hey. We need to start getting up.” She really didn’t want this moment to end. She’d told him her secrets and he had stayed. Why? She didn’t know, but she was glad he was still here.
“I know. You fell asleep finally. I had to call my mom and tell her I couldn’t wake you up. That’s the only reason we’re still here,” he informed her.
“Thank you for letting me talk. I needed to do that for a long time.” It felt like she had let go of those dark secrets last night, and that all the pain from the past was finally freed from her.
“Anytime you need to, just let me know. I will always be here.” He brushed a stray bang out of her face.
She smiled at him, got out of bed and went to her dressing table. “Oh God, I still have dark circles under my eyes,” she said, seeing how tried she really was.
* * * *
Nick watched her. “You can lay down when we go to my house. You’re still coming, right?” he asked her as h
e leaned up on his arm. With everything that had happened last night, he wasn’t sure. She’d let him into her soul last night, told him things that even her so-called friends didn’t even know. He would do whatever it took to make her feel that she was something to someone now. If he had to wait forever, she would be his.
“I think I should. I don’t want to be here alone. Do you think your parents will let you just sleep with me? I think I slept better with you here.” She sat back down next to him again.
He took her hand in his and played with her class ring. “As much as I would love that, they would say no. If you’re nice to me today, I will, however, let you borrow my…‘Binky Bear’ but you would have to give him back before you leave,” he said, teasing her a little. It was like she was coming out of the dark cloud she’d been in.
“I promise I will be nice. You know too much about me now for me not to be.” She laughed a little.
He grabbed her hand. “Chloe, I would never tell anyone about the things you said last night. Not unless you wanted me to,” he promised her.
“Thank you,” she said softly. “I’m gonna go take a shower. There should be something downstairs if you’re hungry and there is a bathroom in the guest room if you want to talk a shower, too.”
Nick decided to take a chance and tease her a little, to see if she was okay with where ever they were at that moment. “So, technically, we would be taking a shower together?”
Chloe’s mouth dropped. “Nicholas, I’m shocked you would say such a thing,” she answered with a smile, and then headed to the bathroom.
An hour later, they were standing at the cemetery, Nick watched Chloe closely. She seemed to be preoccupied with something during the service. It wasn’t until after it was over and they were headed to the car that he decided to ask.
Again, she looked off into the same direction. “My mother is buried here,” was all she said.
He started to drive off and slowly passed a huge maple tree on their way out.
Chloe whispered for him to stop.
He’d almost missed what she said; her voice had been so low. But he had a feeling she needed to be there.
“My mother is buried up there. I’m not allowed to be here.”
The idea of that sounded crazy to him. This was where her mother was. Who would stop her from coming here? He turned off the car and got out. Walking around to the passenger side, he opened her door. She looked up at him like a child. Nick offered her his hand and Chloe shyly accepted it. He could tell she was scared.
“If we go there, don’t tell anyone. My father forbade me to come here a long time ago. I was afraid to ask you to stop, but I don’t want her to think I’ve forgotten about her,” she explained as she looked towards the grave.
“She knows you didn’t forget her. We can go up. I won’t tell,” he said. After what she had told him last night, nothing surprised him. She looked at him as if he had offered her the world. Slowly, she started up the hill to find where her mother was.
Nick followed her through the rows of headstones until she stopped. He looked down at the headstone.
MELISSA GARDNER BELOVED WIFE AND MOTHER.
It was just a simple granite stone, nothing fancy like the ones around it. He watched Chloe sink to the ground and gently touched the stone, tracing her mother’s name. Her hand shook as she lifted the small brass plate that covered her mother’s picture. She ran her hand over the faded picture.
Nick put his arms around her.
Chloe seemed to relax. “That part of the story was true. I used to come here a lot. The first time was the night we buried her. I climbed down the trellis and rode my bike here. You would think any ten-year-old would be scared of a place like this. I wasn’t. There was a hole in the fence that I could fit through. I laid right here, next to the mound of flowers that covered her. There was a silk ribbon that had the word ‘mother’ on it. I just ran my fingers over it and traced the letters. I woke up close to dawn and rode home. I was freezing. He never noticed I was gone. I was able to do that for months, until one day, I was woken up by one of the workers. That’s when he told me I was not to come here again. She was gone and I was to forget her,” she said, still tracing her mother’s face on the photo plaque.
“No one else knew?” he asked her. It was still hard to believe she’d gone through this alone. At ten, he would have only entered a cemetery on a dare, and never stay the night alone.
“I didn’t have many friends then. When I went back to school, no one talked to me. They would just whisper about me. Kids can be really mean and I was the shy girl who kept to herself, the one who never had any parents at the spring concerts or parent nights. He never even went to a conference for me. Then, I was moved to private school and I met all of them. They didn’t know me. Well, except for Gabbie. I was just so happy to have someone talk to me again, that I didn’t care who it was. I’ve been alone since I was ten, since the day she left me. And I know what you think about me. You think I’m pretty, and smart, and I have everything going for me. I would trade it all for a minute of the craziness you have at your house with your brothers,” she said and looked at him.
“That’s the real reason you were letting them talk you into dating Josh, isn’t it?” He knew that now. She was afraid of losing her friends, if she didn’t do what they wanted. It was all making sense now.
“I’m willing to do whatever they want just so that I have someone who will talk to me. You’ve been really great the past few days. You have let me talk about all this and I know what you must be thinking. You can take me home. You’re off the hook now. Tell your parents I went to stay with one of my friends.” She let him out of making her stay with him.
Why did he want to kiss her? This was not the place or the moment and all he could think about was how much he cared about her and wanted to kiss her. “You don’t know what I’m thinking, and I’m not taking you home. I understand why you are the way you are now. You have been through so much and I can’t believe how strong you are. I want to be your friend, if not more, but I’m not going to push you to do something you don’t want to. You can tell me no and I won’t leave you,” he explained to her.
“Why do you care so much about me? You don’t even know me.” She seemed confused by what he’d just said.
“I care about you, Chloe. You’re not like the other girls I know. You didn’t flirt with me or write me silly notes when we first met. You just talked to me, like we are doing now. I meant what I said. You really can trust me.” He took her hand into his.
She smiled shyly at him. “I’m so tired,” she said, laying her head on his chest.
Nick nodded and helped her up to take her home.
When they got back to Nick’s house, Max and his friend ran towards them. Both little boys were wired as they jumped on Nick. “Nick, where you been? I got the high score on World of War!” he yelled, excited to tell his older brother what he’d done.
“That’s cool. What did Kevin say?” Nick asked him as he took his coat off. He loved it when Max could do something that was better than them.
The excitement on his little face was priceless. “He’s so mad. Hi, Chloe. You want to see my high score?”Max always seemed to get excited when Chloe came over. When Nick brought her over the first time, he seemed to remember her right away, they talked about the ride and how Nick was mellowing out.
“Maybe a little later,” she faked a smile for him. She followed Nick into the kitchen where his mother was.
“Hi, Guys. How did it go?” His mother asked as she put down the bread.
Nick was waiting for her to yell at him about the night before, but she didn’t even have that ‘We will talk later’ look on her face. “It was hard, but we made it through. Millie’s parents were happy to see us.”
“You two look exhausted. Are you hungry?” She asked and she looked concerned..
“That was my fault. We were up most of the night talking. I’m really sorry about that. We should have come rig
ht here,” Chloe replied.
His mother’s face softened. “Sweetie, I know this has been hard on you. It’s fine. Nick called and told me where you were and that you were okay. That’s all I cared about.”
“I’m hungry. So, yes, I would love a sandwich.” Nick blinked his eyes at her the way he used to when he was little.
“Hey, Nicky is home. It’s about time. There is a ton of stuff to do upstairs.” Kevin seemed glad that now that he was home, he could start pulling his share.
“Leave him alone. Nick, why don’t you take Chloe’s things upstairs to the guest room? I’m still washing the sheets, so I’m sorry, the bed isn’t ready. How clean is your room?” she questioned Kevin and Mark.
“I cleaned it up this morning. Kevin helped. Wait, why?” Mark asked while looking worried.
“I was going to suggest that Chloe could rest in there. What did you two do?” she asked, suspicious now.
“Nothing, that can’t be fixed.” Kevin’s expression looked sheepish as he looked over at Mark.
“Yeah, we could go and fix it now before lunch,” Mark added while his eyes sparkled with humor.
Then, both brothers headed upstairs.
“That’s fine, but where am I going to take a nap?” Nick asked.
His parents looked at each other. They were working in most of the house today and Max had his friend over.
“In your room, but the door stays open,” his father explained. Of the three boys, Nick was the one he seemed to trust the most, but he didn’t want to take any chances.
“Just checking, come on, Chloe, I’ll show you to your room,” Nick said and went to get her bag.
After showing Chloe the guest room, he went to his room to change.
Kevin and Mark were taking down things from his bed.